Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

Disagree.
ADHD is defined by certain behaviours else it would not be a condition.
It's shorthand for saying that this person will display certain behaviours.

Maybe you could point me in the direction of the part where the OP was being ‘rude, controlling, generally horrible’?

There is far too much projection going on in many of these posts. You cannot possibly know what their marriage is like.

No it is very much the mature option when you're living with somebody like the OP.

He's probably constantly overwhelmed.
I genuinely think him leaving is the sensible option. Honestly I do.

There's no thrashing it out. It's insolvable. He should stay away for both their sale's.

He must be under enormous stress as it is.
I generally think that in the absence of abuse people should at least try to make a go of it. Not here.

@allthegoldicouldeat

yeah, sod his dying mam. She has the nurses with her…who does OP have??

Yes, it's a terrible overreaction when someone says to you, 'Your mother's died. Oh no, my mistake, just some random celebrity.

I admired Judith Chalmers. I remember her as a young BBC announcer. I would always say, 'Judith Chalmers.' As I would say, 'Claudia Winkleman.' I don't know either of them and I wouldn't expect anyone else to pick up the reference if I just used the first name.

The shock that must have given your DH will have been massive. To him, it must have seemed as though you didn't care about his concerns and worries over his mum. Big apology needed.

She did show understanding, that does not mean that she has to agree that she deserves to be treated like she behaved truly terribly.

Do you disagree that if in general she is caring and attentive with her dh and especially on the topic of his mother who is unwell, if she shows interest and compassion generally, then an 'oopsie' moment as described by op will not have such an impact. If she is disengaged from his experience and worries around MIL this may well have been the straw that broke the camels back.

Yes I disagree, She may well be supportive and compassionate about his mother generally and he just might be irritated by her or the relationship may not be in a good place.

Of course if she hasn't been supportive generally about the MIL that is different but there's no way to tell from the post, and someone making a silly slip like that does not mean that they haven't been supportive.

Am I sure? No, none of us are sure, we weren’t there and are giving our opinions based on how we are each picturing a situation described by OP. We all picture it differently, which is why we all give different answers. It’s up to OP to look through them and see which ones resonate with her 🤷

Sorry to hear about your experience with your colleague. Are you suggesting that’s how all people with ADHD are, or just that you don’t believe in ADHD and think it’s an excuse for rudeness?

Haven’t you ever spoken without thinking and then immediately felt awful and apologised? That’s all that’s happened here. Very normal and always mortifying, which hopefully helps our brains not to do the same thing again. It’s really unfortunate and I feel for OP’s husband, but that’s pretty much all we can sensibly say, isn’t it?

Leaving the family home for space can be a nuclear option, not just for the person leaving but for the one who has been left. I disagree that it's the mature option.

It may well be her choice to leave.

This is such an ableist thread. Basically, the gist is, stop feeling comfortable in displaying your ADHD traits as society hates that and ensure that you mask as heavily as possible at all times as that makes neurotypical people feel happier.
so if this means then they are rude, controlling, generally horrible, it’s “not being kind” to mention this or not accept it?

I completely agree.

In the DH's shoes, I'd find it very hard to keep my attraction to OP if this sort of thing is a feature of their relationship, which it appears that it is.

I think it's utterly ridiculous that OP said what she said. ADHD does not render you incapable of controlling what comes out of your mouth.

Yes apart from Diana or Elvis I can’t think of anyone where just a first name would used ( except obvs stage names like Bono, Cher etc)

I can no longer identify mn sarcasm….🙃 hopefully this is!

Not sure at what point I did say any of that had to be tolerated? I was referring to the OP’s situation. If that is your situation then I can understand why that would take its toll on you. There comes a point in a relationship with a neurotypical or neurodivergent person where you need to decide whether it is viable or not. Neurotype may explain difficulties but it doesn’t mean that anyone has to stay when they are unhappy.

@QuintadosMalvados but this isn't what the OP was talking about.

I'm sorry if this were your experience and situation. I hope you resolved the relationship and that you are doing well now. But it's not the experience of every person in a relationship with someone who is not neurotypical.

Of course he should. She’s clearly a very troubled soul.

Imagine having your day ruined because a simple task was not completed by your spouse. A task a typical 10-year-old could do in minutes.

Imagine piles of empty bottles just strewn about the living room after you've cleaned it. In spite of there being a bin next to the bottles!
Imagine having to navigate your way through the hallway of your home because the junk they meant to take to the recycling centre is STILL there weeks later.
Imagine having to live in chaos because there's not one corner of your home they haven't managed to make a mess of.
Or if there is a room you have free of shit, you have to constantly defend it from encroachment of their stuff.

Imagine having a hole in your roof pissing water through the ceiling because in spite of you giving them half the cash and money is very much available to fix it and them saying they'd call the roofer but haven't so you get into a big argument because they get annoyed if you say you'll do it.

And then, after another day of this, you can't even watch your favourite TV show cause they talk all the way through it.
F*ing endlessly.

You can say it's nobody's fault and I'd agree. Nobody should have to tolerate this behaviour from another adult in a marriage, though.

@allthegoldicouldeat

yes, probably at the hospital with his mum. Or do you think he should have stayed home to placate and soothe Op?

And that’ll bring out the “under his mummy’s thumb, how selfish for him to abandon you when he’s upset you so much!!” remarks….

This is such an ableist thread. Basically, the gist is, stop feeling comfortable in displaying your ADHD traits as society hates that and ensure that you mask as heavily as possible at all times as that makes neurotypical people feel happier.

The amount of shame being piled on the OP for daring to have a conversation with her own sister, in her own home where she was truly being herself and not monitoring every word is unreal! Yes she upset her partner, entirely unintentionally. She has apologised to him for that and, given he is her partner, he’s the one who should know whether the OP is someone who is generally a malicious person and probably meant harm or not.

Imagine having to spend your whole life monitoring everything you say, whether you interrupt, whether you’re speaking too quickly, whether you’re giving enough eye contact/too much eye contact, whether you’ve asked enough questions/too many questions, are you too full on, too loud - trying to keep your volume at a level so people don’t tell you off. It’s exhausting and why so many neurodivergent people cycle in and out of burnout so frequently. Think about how even being at home isn’t a safe place where you can switch off and be yourself because you’re shamed for that there too. Research states that by the age of 11 a child with ADHD has heard 20,000 more negative messages than their neurotypical peers. That continues for the rest of their life. Judge the intent behind a situation, not the outcome. OP has apologised and acknowledged how the comment made her partner feel but some of these posts won’t be satisfied until she sheds blood for it!

Yes probably with his terminally ill mother.

He wanted an excuse to be somewhere else.

Flipping hell. Sorry I've done it again. Will let that poster answer.

I don't know and really don't care. I see people using that as an excuse every time they read something they don't like.