Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

No, they were in the same room.. op shrieks… “Judith’s died!”

So let me get this straight, he was listening in to a one sided conversation, a conversation you were having with your sister and only heard a very small portion of it. Hes then blamed you for miscommunicating something to him...? You havnt done anything wrong at all. You werent even talking to him. He has massively overreacted.

“Families have their own short-hands and slang. Sisters have known each other their whole lives. The fact that you wouldn't know doesn't mean the sister wouldn't know“

Absolutely - but in this case, as the OP makes clear, the sister did not associate ‘Judith’ with Judith Chalmers but with Judith the MIL

Sounds like DH has already made his choice to LTB, at least temporarily …

Sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg. I don’t think he overreacted in the moment, but the comments he has made show he’s not happy with other things too.

What does accepting someone as they are even mean? If you arrive at that point, the relationship is over. Either you like and love the other person and wish to be with them or you find them off-putting, if the latter..... well

I love my audhd dh, he is unique and he is for me, I can't imagine being with anyone else. But I am paying a high price for his funny ways as the dysfunctional aspect of his behaviour drags me and the whole family down, it messes with my own cognition and it isn't something I would have chosen had I know what this would be like. But I am not accepting him as is, I simply love him and that's that.

It's really funny, when I briefly speak to my dh in the exact way he speaks to me and ask, would this annoy you, he's like hell yes that would annoy me so much 😂and I have to experience every day.

It's all about the connection at the end of the day. Does OP love her dh and she is crazy about him? If yes she has some amends to make, it sure as anything isn't easy living with someone who has social and communication problems. Because, the affect their loved ones deeply.

I'd never just accept someone for who they are, sounds off putting, if I don't like them, they're not for me and I don't waste my time.

Goodness, if you’re so determined to misquote me I will have to leave you to it. I’ve never said that people should have no recourse for their actions or their words. My concern is the blatant misinformation being bandied around about ADHD - which suddenly a lot of people are experts about and can definitively say that certain behaviours are/are not ADHD related. It’s wild that the OP has been accused of doing it deliberately, it’s been suggested that she’s abusive and some people have created their own versions in their heads of how the OP’s relationship is with her partner solely based on a snapshot of a few bits of information.

I expect the OPs DH is on a knife edge about his mum and whether she is going to pull through.

I expect that has made him snap and nobody should blame him for that, the OP has failed to control her too fast brain.

I hope that he will regain his equilibrium and remember that he loves the OP because people like her can be great fun to be around with their love of new experiences and spontaneity. The good can balance the downside in an equal relationship.

If not, then they are and unmatched pair and this will split them up, which, if so, would probably be for the best for them both.

Again, you've just made this up in your head.

So it’s ableist, to not accept being spoken to with impunity, to not accept your partner having total disregard for you and your feelings?
I would have thought it’s a helluvah more ableist to suggest if you are ND you have absolutely no control over your speech and interactions and everyone has to accept this.

I think of you are living with someone who is unable to stop themselves from saying things then it’s quite a sensible decision to remove yourself from the situation when you are upset.

No, hence why I started it with ‘this post is so ablist’

ADHD is extremely variable in how it presents!

Just a few examples of findings from the health literature:

1. 'The multifactorial causation of ADHD is reflected in the heterogeneity of this disorder, as indicated by its diversity of psychiatric comorbidities, varied clinical profiles, patterns of neurocognitive impairment and developmental trajectories, and the wide range of structural and functional brain anomalies'. - Luo Y, Weibman D, Halperin JM, Li X. A Review of Heterogeneity in Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Front Hum Neurosci. 2019 Feb 11;13:42. A Review of Heterogeneity in Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) - PMC (594 citations to date).

2. 'The present results [of this study] show that the ‘average ADHD patient’ has limited informative value, providing the first evidence for the necessity to explore different biological facets of ADHD at the level of the individual and practical means to achieve this end'. - Wolfers T, Beckmann CF, Hoogman M, Buitelaar JK, Franke B, Marquand AF. Individual differences v. the average patient: mapping the heterogeneity in ADHD using normative models. Psychological Medicine. 2020;50(2):314-323. Individual differences v. the average patient: mapping the heterogeneity in ADHD using normative models | Psychological Medicine | Cambridge Core (248 citations to date).

3. 'ADHD is heterogeneous both etiologically and phenotypically... ADHD syndrome is thus analogous to hypertension or obesity: defined by applying to a trait a clinical cut point with actuarial but not ontological meaning... One issue is that the symptom-checklist method of diagnosis in DSM-5 and its precursors structurally ensures some degree of clinical heterogeneity in most disorders... Overall, views of psychopathology are rapidly evolving away from an assumption of discrete disorders. They are [now] converging instead on a consensus view of psychopathology as an extended family of overlapping syndromes linked by crosscutting traits'. - Joel T. Nigg, Margaret H. Sibley, Anita Thapar, Sarah L. Karalunas. 2020. Development of ADHD: Etiology, Heterogeneity, and Early Life Course. Annual Review Developmental Psychology. 2:559-583. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-devpsych-060320-093413 (252 citations to date).

I hope these are useful! I've found them very interesting - they help me understand a number of personal and working relationships much better!

God, how incredibly insensitive. I wouldn't be surprised if he never forgives you. Nobody calls Judith Chalmers ‘ Judith’. I think any attractiveness you might have had to him will have just disapeared. You aren’t emotionally a safe space. I’m amazed. Horrible.

I would agree with this.

Op maybe thinks that because the upset wasn't intentional it doesn't matter?

If he needs some time away that's fine & it might do them both good to reflect.

Maybe most of it isn't insensitive or hurtful. Maybe he just doesn't like it.

What the scenario where you say he has to accept her doing whatever she wants? think she should leave him seeing as by the sounds of it he doesn't accept her as she is.? If “as she is” is being insensitive and the hurtful blurting?

Yes hopefully he does leave her based on that scenario that you've just made up in your head 😂😂

And hopefully he will leave her, given some see that he should not be allowed any emotions of his own, and must ALWAYS consider her and her feelings, while accepting she should never be expected to reciprocate?

It either didn’t happen or she said it on purpose to cause drama/hurt her DH.

I’ve never known anyone to ever refer to Judith Chalmers as anything other than Judith Chalmers. Full name, every time.

To just say ‘Judith’ in this context it would have to be a deliberate attempt to make DH think his mum had died, ADHD or no ADHD. Horrible.

Disagree - he will be completely overwhelmed. He could have raged, or left. He choose the mature option

Cool.
I think she should leave him seeing as by the sounds of it he doesn't accept her as she is.

Why have you inferred my post is solely about the ops? Are you referring to the whole of society in your post?

His mum is dying - my dad dying was the worst thing that has happened to me. I think his reaction is understandable.

I am 46 and very much know who Judith Chalmers was - I have never just said ‘Judith” if talking about. Do you think you may have (subconsciously) done it for effect??? My friend does stuff like this a lot - it’s fucking weird.

It absolutely does count for violence if you're the parent of a child who has violent meltdowns.