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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel annoyed my son gave his friend's mum the wrong impression?

145 replies

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2026 10:17

I think I’m being grouchy but my son has irritated me and I need a reality check. To be clear there’s not been any big argue anything but I need to see if my reaction is unreasonable.

He is 13 and has ASD - he travels to school independently and sometimes gets the bus homes with a friend and friend’s mum.

He gets £8 a week pocket money and £50 a month for his special interest. Last month he wanted something really expensive so DH said he’d lend him the additional £5 but would owe it from the following month’s £50. All good.

This morning he’s handed me £3 and asked if I could put it on his card. I asked where he got it. His friend’s mum gave him £5 because he explained he was ‘in debt’ to his dad.

He didn’t explain how this ‘debt’ came about and now this woman thinks we’re these awful parents who makes out young teen pay back small amounts of money.

AIBU to be annoyed that he gave zero context and to really not like how this parent will perceive us?

I don’t normally care what people think tbh, but this has really irritated me.

OP posts:
ThatsNicer · 23/05/2026 16:58

Livelaughlurgy · 23/05/2026 10:29

The irony being that you're believing his narration about how he got the money off her.....

Meeting her, my first question would be "Exactly what did the little toad/darling say to you about being in debt"?

PeppermintPatty10 · 23/05/2026 16:34

Completely agree with you on the phone front, OP.
I also agree with @Shoola above - the Mum might be ASD herself so thought she would help solve the problem of your son owing money. Try not to worry about it and when schools go back, just thank her for the money and explain briefly!

BudgetBuster · 23/05/2026 16:23

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2026 16:18

You don’t think £80 a month is a generous allowance for a 13 year old? 🤣

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Our 14 year old gets €20 😂 His €20 phoenix paid and anything over that he needs to earn!

Warhammer and modelling hobbies are so expensive so I think you allowance is really good.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2026 16:18

Contrarymary30 · 23/05/2026 15:18

Hardly a generous allowance!

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You don’t think £80 a month is a generous allowance for a 13 year old? 🤣

OP posts:
Mightchangemyname · 23/05/2026 16:06

oh thats a bit awkward isn’t it!! My DH and DD have an ongoing/inside joke about her owing him a fiver and I’ve heard her telling her friends mums this before - never once did I see them looking worried or attempting to give her money!! Bit of an odd thing for the mum to do but maybe she was just being nice. I would reach out and say ‘oh this is a bit awkward thank you but….’ And explain

Shoola · 23/05/2026 15:37

It really isn't a big deal. The other mum probably thought it was a straightforward solution to your son's lack of money. She might well be autistic (her son is) and not so bothered about the social nuances. I doubt she thought about much and probably isn't judging you. Even if she was, who cares? You don't even know her.

Contrarymary30 · 23/05/2026 15:18

Rosiemate · 23/05/2026 10:49

I’d be annoyed with the friend's mum, not your son. She shouldn’t be giving money to other people's children.

I'd send it back to her, with a note. "It was really kind of you to give DS some money but I’m returning it to you as I think he probably didn’t explain the situation clearly. He gets a generous allowance but wanted a small advance on next month's allowance so he could afford to buy something expensive that he wanted. As part of our efforts to teach him about budgeting we agreed to the advance, but made it clear it would be deducted, as agreed, from next month's allowance (which would still leave him with plenty).
I appreciate that you meant well, and thank you once again, but we don’t allow him to accept money from people outside our family."

Hardly a generous allowance!

chaosmaker · 23/05/2026 15:11

Littlecrake · 23/05/2026 13:05

Odd of the other mum but people are odd. When my eldest was at the age of starting to go into town to meet friends at weekends a friend if his had a mother who kept offering lifts. I don’t want lifts because A - I don’t have time to reciprocate and B - I wanted ds to get confidence on public transport. We live in a place with very little in walking distance and DH and I work shifts and after can’t taxi them about and it’s important that my dc can be confident in the bus and train network. I was explaining to this woman until I was blue in the face that I wanted him to use public transport and she was having none of it and on more than one occasion intercepted him at the train station (out of her way) and got him off the platform. Then she would phone me at work and ask for a lift for her ds as she’d done it last time. Her ds wasn’t allowed to use public transport so couldn’t go out if there was nobody to take him. She probably tells her friends about an absolute mad women who refused to drive her kids about and made them get trains and buses everywhere.

It is hobbling your kids to not let them learn to navigate the world. I think it's why there is so much anxiety as well as screens constantly.

Sasha07 · 23/05/2026 15:00

Yeah, I'd write a short note explaining that you're teaching him how to budget and a little of the context, with thanks for the kind intent from her. Put that in a sealed envelope with the money so your son doesn't need to be put on the spot if she does try to be kind again and refuse to take it/tries to give it back. I'd even get the friend a little chocolate bar or whatever is appropriate just so she sees it as genuine and a gesture of appreciation. Tell your son to give it to her before he gets out of the car so she read it once he's left.

Sorry if this sounds daft, I have no experience of ASD but I see where you're coming from and that she had good intentions.

SoLaidBackImHorizontal · 23/05/2026 14:49

@Merryoldgoat as well as returning the £5, you need to explain to your DS that if he’s only due £45 of the £50 next month because he’s already spent £5 of it this month, then that doesn’t allow him to go seek an additional £5 from elsewhere to get next month’s allowance back to £50.

mrsbowes · 23/05/2026 14:33

Mmmm19 · 23/05/2026 13:44

This. I’d text her and transfer or give some how directly so you can explain and avoid further confusion
my 9yead old currently owes me £1 for his advanced pocket money for football cards

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She doesn't know this woman or have any contact details.

waitinginwonderland · 23/05/2026 14:32

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2026 13:07

@Elbreth every single person I know whose child has a phone has had issues. I think many people who gave their child a phone too early have to do loads of mitigation are are desperate for others to do the same so they don’t feel like they made a daft mistake.

100% agree. I work in a primary school and the amount of “oh they’ll be left out,” to justify giving phones to very young children (sometimes aged 5 or 6!) is ridiculous. If people parented properly and didn’t leave their children to be babysat by electronic devices then no one would be left out and they would all have far better communication, imagination and problem solving skills.

Okiedokie123 · 23/05/2026 14:14

@budgetbuster I don’t think things were that different really. There were bullies, predators, dodgy strangers, pickpockets just as there are now.
But we managed differently.

BudgetBuster · 23/05/2026 14:05

Okiedokie123 · 23/05/2026 12:28

Goodness it’s a wonder any of us who grew up before mobile phones became essential life support devices survived to adulthood.

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Well the OP has said that her son has a tracker so clearly she understands.

Well done you on surviving in a very different time

SwatTheTwit · 23/05/2026 13:56

I’d probably try to clarify it with her but other than that it wouldn’t really annoy me. Kids say all sorts of out of context stuff, if not straight up lies sometimes.

Mmmm19 · 23/05/2026 13:44

Teado · 23/05/2026 10:30

I’d do it myself. Rather than giving it to him to give to the friend to give to her. The context will definitely get lost in translation that way.

If the cash finds its way to her at all!

This. I’d text her and transfer or give some how directly so you can explain and avoid further confusion
my 9yead old currently owes me £1 for his advanced pocket money for football cards

Anyahyacinth · 23/05/2026 13:42

I'd give it to the Mum just to be absolutely sure it actually WAS from the other Mum

FunkyFringe · 23/05/2026 13:35

I don’t think the other mother did anything wrong.

mrsbowes · 23/05/2026 13:34

Odd behaviour from the other mum but maybe she also struggles with social expectations.

I wouldn't be annoyed with your son but I would let him know he's not to accept money from people.

I don't think £50 is a ridiculous amount for a special interest either - I wish I only spent £50 a month on each of my kids activities!

Pinepeak2434 · 23/05/2026 13:20

I wouldn’t be upset with the mum - she thought she was doing something kind, she won’t know about the budgeting or the circumstances.

My dad used to do budgeting with me when I was a kid. He had this little book where he’d write down my pocket money, whether I was saving it or owed it. Then I eventually got a bank account. It really helped me learn to be good with money as an adult, unlike my husband.

bettyboo9 · 23/05/2026 13:17

I don’t think the mother did anything bad and at the end of the day it was £5. She thought she was doing the right thing. Teenage brains alongside ASD, things can get lost in translation. I would go forth with your plan to give it back but hopefully keep it lighthearted and lots of eye rolling. I don’t think there’s actually any fault within all parties concerned. . All adults obviously care about him which is a huge thing of ‘takes a village to raise’ etc. I would proceed cautiously and with all the love intended x

Viviennemary · 23/05/2026 13:16

I think I would contact the mum and say sorry about the misunderstanding and give her the £5 back. Find a way to contact her. Or it's going to be unresolved. She was only trying to be kind. It wasn't your fault.

frozensh · 23/05/2026 13:14

She’s been asked for a fiver (in a round about way), and has no way to contact you to see if it’s ok, he’s spent £2 of it - possible in a place she felt it was ok to give it. It really isn’t a big deal at all. Give him the £5 to take in when back at school.

Nn9011 · 23/05/2026 13:13

I've said you're unreasonable not because it isn't embarrassing but because you are not really understanding this is his asd not intentional behaviour. He shouldn't be punished, this is an excellent moment to teach him about the implications of what we say. Explain to him how she will have taken and tell him that he needs to understand words have impact. He won't get it overnight, it will probably still happen but if you layer this message as he grows, it will help him in the long run.
Try and see the funny side, this is something you can tease him about when he's older.

Isittimeformynapyet · 23/05/2026 13:10

Livelaughlurgy · 23/05/2026 10:27

I'd go back to her and see what happened, it could be that he was stressed out of his head about the "debt", could be he pleaded poverty, could be she gave them £5 each to go to the shops and when he was giving her the change she said keep it and he said that's great I'll put it towards my debt. But no harm you understanding the circumstances and if needs be say he actually "borrowed" off next months bonus, he's still getting pocket money every week.

could be she gave them £5 each to go to the shops and when he was giving her the change she said keep it and he said that's great I'll put it towards my debt.

You're getting carried away with your "could be"s here 😄