‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

So, this is a ‘you’ problem, as you know.
Best thing is to talk to him about it. He’ll probably find it hard to understand, but do your best to explain it, and ultimately even if he doesn’t understand, it IS just how you feel.
Ask if, in the half term week at least, he would mind going into the office instead of wfh?
Then you’ve got a few weeks to sort out how you’re both going to handle the summer holidays.

Good luck!

My husband (now Ex) worked from home occasionally before Covid. It made me uneasy too. DD would know he was at home and thought it was very exciting (it might be different if he did it all the time, but when it was an occasional day, it was a novelty). So I 'd have to watch her closely so she didn't sneak into his room to say 'Hi' to him. It's probably easier if you have older kids who understand that the working parent can't be disturbed. I was mindful of noise and didn't feel I could just pull out the hoover and start hoovering. Having guests over wasn't an option.

I dont care that my husband works from home. Im on mat leave, honestly doesnt even register he is home sometimes! Im not quiet, I just get on my day. He closes his door if he is in a meeting and put his headphones on. Its nice as he starts earlier and finishing earlier. No travelling. So we get to spend more time together in the week.

This is entirely on you then.

My husband feels like this when I’m working from home and he happens to be there, even though I tell him over and over he can literally behave normally and it won’t bother me at all 🤪 if I have a call I will let him know, but doesn’t need to change what he’s doing. I always mention that him being at home with our kids is still much quieter then any of the offices I’ve worked from! Think as he has never experienced working from home, he worries it needs to be deadly silent for me to get on

YANBU, at all @birdsinginthemorning My DH works 4-on, 4-off, (9 hour shifts, 6am-3pm and 3pm to midnight on alternating weeks) and whilst I am fine with him being home for 4 days, (as I'm used to it and mentally prepared for it!) I HATE it when he is suddenly off when I'm not expecting it. It makes me anxious and I don't know why. I have my own routine (WFH part time/24 hours a week,) and when it's suddenly upended, it stresses me out. He had 6 weeks on the sick a year or so ago, and I nearly went around the bend with him stuck at home 24/7. I don't know how I'm going to cope when he retires!

Thing is, when a man is around, you know it. The energy and the vibe is different, and you always know they are there. They are louder somehow, and not just noise-wise. And I don't know about other women here, but my DH just doesn't stop talking some days. He talks through my TV programmes so I always watch them when he's at work or in bed, 'who's that, what's she doing, is he married to her, is that dog his or hers, are those kids meant to be theirs they look nothing like them, la la la...' Just constant questions.

He has this habit of when I go on my laptop, or get my book out, of giving me a running commentary on what he is watching then. I'm like 🙄and I say 'you don't need to give me a rundown on what you're watching, I am not interested!' he says 'well I am interested!' Like I should drop everything I'm doing and listen to his rundown of what he's watching. I have had to start saying 'watch your programme by all means, but do NOT give me a running commentary.' If he 'forgets' and starts going on about it, I give him 3 chances, and the third time he speaks and tells me what's going on, I pick up what I am doing, (book or laptop or whatever,) and leave the room.

And some days, he follows me around everywhere, just chirping in my ear, and I can NOT concentrate on what I'm doing, be that reading, looking through the internet, or watching something on the TV. When he's off I adapt and work around him being there, and mentally prepare myself, (and I go in the garden quite a bit,) and we do stuff together.

I know it sounds like I 'don't like him very much' LOL! But it's not that, it's just that I need time to myself and I need time without him there, to do things on my own, and things I want and need to do. As I said, when a man is in the house, his whole energy takes over, and he has to be heard - and seen, and it's really hard to relax and do what I want to do in peace and quiet..... I do love him, but I sometimes wish we lived in separate houses next door to one another LOL!! 😆

I don't want to be alone though, and do enjoy being in a relationship/marriage, and the positives outweigh the negatives, and I am fine with living with him for the most part, it's just that he can be a bit overbearing and needy sometimes.

I could NOT be doing with him working from home! He has actually applied for a couple of work from home jobs, as he's so envious that I work from home and he doesn't, but he hasn't got the jobs - thank GOD! 😂

As I said, I don't know how I will cope when he retires!

.

I don't really relate to this - I'm happy when DH works from home although he only does it when there's a practical reason (eg keeping an eye on one child at home while I take one out). He tends to pick up a few chores during breaks so it's usually helpful to have him around, and it's nice to have lunch together. We spent a couple of years when he wfh every day in 2020-21, and we were fine although we had a toddler in a flat with no outside space. We're just quite tolerant people and enjoy each other's company.

It wouldn't make much difference to our half term as I enjoy the whole carousel of activities thing, and I like to be out of the house for most of the day. I don't pressure the dc to keep quiet though - and I don't think it would make much difference if I tried!

I am also off next week for half term and would also hate my dh to be at home every day. Having him home two days is fine, but every day is too much. He would hate it too tbh!

As currently described, this largely sounds like a you thing. You need to talk to him and see if the noise actually disturbs him (and if it does, he needs to find a workaround, not you).
I love wfh though, we get more time together before and/ after without a commute and I love having lunch together.

When DH started to WFH most days, I felt the same, I had to be busy, but not noisy, it drove me mad. Now, I just think sod it. Even if he is working, this is our home not an office. The only thing I don't do if he is here, is vacuum the study.
If I want to veg out in front of the TV, I no longer feel guilty about it. The house is clean and tidy, the clothes are clean, and there is food in the house. TV binge watch? No problem

Oh it's definitely both at times.
He is a presence - he shuffles about. I have irrational guilt.

Sometimes it's just nice to have neither. Doesn't mean either of us has done anything wrong.

I think you being a teacher changes the dynamic. Most working people are juggling childcare and often solo parent but you are always available during the holidays.

What you need to happen is for your Dh to have the children by himself and take them out for the day at the very least. That way you do get the house to yourself. I completely understand the freedom that comes with being alone at home.

Dh worked from home a good decade before covid on the understanding that I would absolutely not be shushing the children, this was their house and they were on holiday from school. If he wanted an office type environment then he could leave the house and go into the office.

'Real jobs'
😂

A digression admittedly, but how can you both work from home and at the same time home educate?

I actually get this. Also a teacher. No little kids though. It somehow rankles me that when I have my holidays my husband also decides to WFH. It's like he's taking a bit of a holiday as well. People might be like 'Oh that's nice, you get to spend time together,' but actually I kind of want space because there's so little of it in teaching ... I don't want to try and manage yet another relationship, I sort of welcome the mess and clutter and general capacity to 'let go,' and that's not really possible when you have to always be thinking about another person's needs.

Edit to add that I've been married for over 35 years and have a good relationship with DH, just would like some time to myself

Im going to ask you honestly, is it just him working or are you relieved when he is out of the house in general?

Thats ok by the way and you dont have to answer me, just answer yourself.

Sometimes there is a slow gradual realisation and not a big penny drop moment of ‘my body is tense and stressed around this man’

This.

DH doesn't complain 99% of the time about noise, and when he has it's not been without merit.

It's stuff like not feeling free to put the vacuum on without checking first. Or go for a bath whilst he's at work, because you aren't working and somehow that emphasises that he is and that makes you feel guilty.

It's the freedom of deed without guilt or practical considerations within your own home. You can do what you want without thinking "is this going to be regarded as insensitive and indulgent whilst he's working" or "is this going to disturb him during a meeting". There's also feeling like you have to parent in a particular way so you are "having too much fun without him". Even if he's not remotely arsed.

Its like the feeling of if he goes away for the night and you can just dump the plates on the table until the morning knowing it doesn't affect anyone else and watch whatever you like without having to ask what he'd like and find a happy compromise - but on steroids. It's that kind of freedom. He hasn't asked or expected those things normally but it's basic none selfishness.

Omg I would loathe it!
Heres my theory why
Some men seem to have this need to dominate spaces and that includes WFH
So they cannot sit and work quietly, the whole household is taken over .

I sat in a small hospital waiting room yesterday, 5 men 4 women
The women sat quietly and still , resting , reading or on their phones
The men constantly huffed and puffed, coughed and cleared their throats, tapped and jiggled

It was really noticable

Just my theory

We both WFH and I think it’s great but we’ve been doing it a long time and have offices on different floors, kids who have grown up understanding that when one of us is working they have to steer clear of the office, all that sort of stuff. Otherwise life continues as normal, we do all the activities we would normally do in the home.

I think sporadic WFH is a different beast as it sort of upends routine and no one is really used to it.

@Owlsintheforest are there kids around though? I enjoy DH being around when we're both WFH, it's nice to have lunch together, take a walk during breaks etc as you say. But it changes either when I am not working and don't really have anything to do (feels weird lying on the sofa reading a book when someone is beavering away next door, I feel like I should be productive) or when the kids are around and wanting to be doing the things kids do with varying levels of volume and emotion! I'm sincerely aware it's my perception rather than anything actively coming from DH, but doesn't stop it being the case.

What a truly bizarre viewpoint.

Came on to say pretty much the same. He has a choice.
Your children are on holiday in their HOME. No eggshells.