‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

Also - when I was a kid my dad always worked from home…this situation you describe was never a thing then. Simple rule that kids just don’t go into the office…it’s genuinely not a hard rule. Does the same happen after school on Mondays and Fridays? I think it’s a good opportunity for you to work on adapting to different environments, and for the kids to learn a rule. All good life skills and without them suspect a lot of things will feel harder than they need to.

Ok - sounds like a tough situation. When I work from home - here’s how it goes. Kids ages 3 and 7.

morning, I get up early do breakfast with the kids, get them dressed and easy for the day. Pack the bag.

9am, husband comes down. I go to my office and shut the door. Kids don’t knock the door as it has just always been off limits. I’m on lots of calls. They do their thing. Go out to the shops or park normally.

lunchtime, if we are all in at the same time, might have lunch together, might not. Kids give me a hug when they see me. But that’s about it. I go back to work.

they get on with their afternoon.

i am around for dinner time as i don’t need to commute. Hubby does his own thing from 5.

no chaos when I pee or get a coffee - in the same way that at the weekend there is no chaos.

so, appreciate that you have some chaos. But…not sure that’s to be assumed or is connected to WFH. You are sensitive to kid noise and phone noise. Again, fine but not sure hubby on the hook for that.

what does confuse me is your lack of seeing things from his side.

if I were him I’d be like:

ok - I’m off on bank holiday Monday but instead of us doing something together my family have booked a day out without me and forgotten I was off…if you want a day to yourself you had a chance but didn’t think.

and instead of saying in advance “should you mind working from the office on tue and thu too as it’s easier for the kids” you are acting like he is being unreasonable for not guessing that and changing his plans because you don’t like the idea of him being in the house.

what does he think? Why is he at home? What is his work like at home v office? How sore is his leg? Talk to him.

If the worst thing he does when working from home is go for a pee im not convinced he’s the problem here…

i take it you dont work in an office. 100% people interrupt you all the time. With questions, chat, their calls. I think that’s a pretty common experience. Unless your comment is a joke? It was funny either way.

I think the folk making it about sex are all the ones saying “men are just loud” “as a mum”… and suggesting this partner is some tone deaf person wandering around interrupting them and telling everyone to be quiet. He’s apparently not but OP is just feeling less relaxed when he is at home….prob best for him and his sore leg that he goes into the office so that she feels better. Who cares why he’s there or how nice he’s being…

I get this OP though my husband has an office (garden shed) at the bottom of the garden which I highly recommend. We are so lucky he works from home because I'm a teacher too and I have no flexibility to do school runs, pick ups. He also looks after the kids when they are sick (they are a primary aged now) as he can still work around them or manage a half day. The summer is annoying though. I feel judged if they are watching TV, I'm on the sofa scrolling etc. It's a long summer to fill and you will know as a teacher we also need to recuperate in-between playdates, park trips, picnics etc.

Oh come on really?

You have peers who are disrupting your job constantly, making it harder by their presence and regularly asking you why you are doing and what you are doing when they have no role in your job?

The OP has said her DH wanders through getting coffee, asks what they are watching/doing etc. That doesn’t need to be aggressive to be a distraction and intrusive and wind up the children.

You are not acknowledging that she is doing a job as well. That is a common problem on MN - parents at home with children are doing an actual job which deserves the same respect as paid jobs (which she also has).

I get why you are so keen to deny its a problem when you do it yourself. The reality shown repeatedly on this thread is that the parent with small children generally finds life more difficult with a 'semi there' parent in the house.

You are the only person who has made this about sex.

I was the office based worker as well. I knew full well that if OH was at home with the kids when small it made his life harder to have me at home. I would go into the client office unless we had plans which made it more sensible to WFH

If I was home with the DC it was rarely an issue because WFH wasn’t an option for him. However if he brought work home to do out of hours it was a pain trying to wrangle young DC who knew he was in the house.

Neither of us put our own preferences first without regard to the parent actually managing the DC that day.

100% people interrupt you all the time in the office. It’s much harder to get your head down and work in the office.

i mean - the original post suggest the default is that it’s helpful when someone works from home. “Lucky”. The other parent can pop out etc. get 2 extra hours as no commute plus lunchtime to properly help too.

not everyone is uptight about disrupting a person who doesn’t feel like they are being disrupted. That’s all in the head. might be a real worry, but it needn’t be.

If he was really disrupting them, different. But firstly, that’s not what OP is saying. He seems to not be bothering anyone, she just feel on edge when he’s there.

i mean - if he was marching around telling everyone to be quiet and interrupting them all the time that would be something to discuss. But given he’s just sitting in a room and occasionally goes for a pee or grabs a coffee I’m not really agreeing with all this chat.

I totally get it!! I adore my husband but I do not want him in the house trying to work when I’m off - whether our son is here or not! I relate to everything you said.
I'm not awkward with my husband at other times and I’m happy when he’s home and we are all spending time together. But when it’s the school holidays I want him out of the house if he’s working!

Ignore the goads. Its nothing to do with sexism - its the reality of trying to manage small children with someone constantly looking over your shoulder and questioning what you are doing. They don’t have to be doing it unpleasantly for it to disrupt the children and make life more difficult (especially in extremes of weather from memory).

Its also entirely normal to simply enjoy a bit of peace to get on with all the random crap around the house without “helpful” comments and questions.

All that said, if you are stuck with it this week just carry on regardless and don’t toptoe around. Use the vacuum, TV, music, games just as you normally would - its a home first, not free office space.

yeah I get that - a bit annoying. As I say - I do this and try and hide as much as I can because it’s disruptive popping in and out.

but I think it’s fair to consider, why do you think he’s working from home? Sore leg. And is that a better reason / benefit than you wanting him not to? Plus he works from home half the time so it’s not that odd for him to be doing it a little bit more.

not being adversarial - I know it’s annoying and said that. It is definitely capable of being annoying. It’s just - I’m not sure your preference trumps his. And he’s being pretty reasonable about it.

The comment about this chat being a bit sexist is not directed to just you. I mean - if the gender’s were swapped here it l think it would be a super different chat. It seems there is an (under)current of “women have priority over home/kids and men office” on both assumptions about underlying motivations, and just generally.

"this has resulted in a bonus day for him because I forgot he isn’t actually working Monday anyway" - OP, do you think his view of you taking the children out would be that it would be a bonus for him because he doesn't have to be with his family?

And from your other post:

I jump at every chance to get any extra time with the kids and can feel quite sad if I miss out on all the holiday fun because of work. It can be a bit distracting to the kids when they are off and I’m working from home, but it’s just the odd week

So your own fun and enjoyment is more important than the extra load on the parent at home that week. With small children its hard enough without having the working parent installed to disrupt the flow at random unplanned intervals during the day. Small children can also find it very confusing.

Its not all about you or the DH in this set up. Would you be happy in the office if one of your peers kept looking over your shoulder, generally distracting the teams and asking what you are doing and why, engaging your team and then walking away leaving you to get them back on track? Now repeat that multiple times per day.

The parent at home with small children is trying to do a job as well.

I WFH 4 days a week. DH WFH 1 day a week, when I'm in the office and works compressed hours so is off completely on Fridays. He will also sometimes WFH if I'm not so the office is free.

Days he's WFH are so much easier. He's around for breakfast and getting DC up and out for school and he's there as soon as work finishes rather than 40 minutes later after the commute.

I'd rather he took the opportunity to WFH any time he can.

When dh works from home we carry on exactly the same. If he complained I’d just say this is a home first and your workplace second (as I did when lockdown started and we adjusted to working from home) it was tricky when he worked in the kitchen and I would try to time meal prep around his meetings. But now he has a home office I forget he’s there. And it means no commute so he is around to help earlier.

Sore leg though - seems a decent reason to not want to commute. And assume he works from home sometimes during term time. So you think because you are also off he’s barred from his own house. Think you just need to try and relax a bit when he is WFH. He seems to be being perfectly reasonable and you are complaining about a load of things he’s genuinely saying are not an issue. So you are kind of annoyed with a ln imaginary problem?

this whole convo seems pretty sexist too. “A man’s place is in the office” 🫣

Im.a nanny. I get you! I loved my job before 2018 when everyone was in office! Its not super bad there are some pros (ie mum can take child to school sometimes) but like you i prefer when parents leave the house so theg dont keep popping in and suggesting activites when the timing is wrong and then having to keep quiet etc!

I don’t like DH working from home. Home is my working space and I want to get on with chores in whatever order I choose. I don’t want him coming down for a drink when I’m about to clean the floors or vacuum. I just feel like he’s in my space. He is really good about noise though, he doesn’t expect quiet when the kids are home, he puts his earphones in and listens to music when not in meetings. Just carry on as you would normally do and he will have to tolerate any noise made.

because his wife is a teacher and therefore spending her whole holiday on childcare.

whats he saving his for? A nice peaceful day in term time?

agree he should take at least 1 day off and take the kids out so you get a free day