‘We’re so lucky that my husband can work from home’ - AIBU?

Why is he lucky in relation to Monday? Is he not spending the day with you all?

I'm with you OP. It was fine when we had a garden office so he was slightly removed from the house, and even now without one it's more manageable as the children are older. But when they were young and he was in the house I felt....monitored?! Idk. He'd come out if there was excessive noise (usually the baby screaming or arguments) and I'd feel a responsibility that we'd disturbed him (something I needed to work on as it was my feelings more than reality). He's not a judgemental type, but there's something kinda irksome about having someone keep popping in saying 'everything okay?', made me feel like I wasn't coping. As I say, really a me, my ego and my confidence thing that I needed to work on rather than a reflection of DH in anyway. He wanted to be helpful. It's hard for the house to be dual purpose in that way.

Or other times he'd come out to get a drink/lunch/go to the loo and his sudden presence would completely disrupt the whole atmosphere of the house and the kids just wouldn't understand why he was there but not there, and why he'd then disappear again.

It's way easier for the house to be the home and keep the office separate when the kids are in it. Different during term times when we're out from 830-430. We have another baby arriving soon and he's planning to book a desk at the office a few days a week.

Offices are hardly silent. You just accept the noise and be glad of the quiet times.
Just carry on as normal - I take it there is zero tolerance with screaming, banging and so on?

I find this so strange, I WFH and my husband also WFH 2-3 times per week. I love it because we get to have lunch together and everything feels less rushed.

How many days does he normally go into the office? Next week is forecast to be really hot in some places so maybe he doesn’t want to spend hours commuting in 30 C with no colleagues with which to collaborate because they have taken holiday. Can you not turn this round to your advantage, when he finishes work, go out with friends or for a swim, walk etc.?

I don't understand. Do you mean he's going to request total peace and quiet while he works at home (he's taken the wrong week off, if so!) or you're unhappy that YOUR peace and time with the kids is going to be hijacked and he'll be in the way?

(if the latter, I get it. My partner has started working away from home a couple of nights a week, and while I initially hated it, I now love it! He's pretty easygoing but we're always in each other's pockets)

I wfh 4 days a week. If I've not booked leave on half terms I go in at least 3 days of the week because I want the kids to be able to use their home on their holiday.

People have worked from home for hundreds of years with kids about and it is normal. I don’t know why people fail to learn from history?

My DH often works from home and it doesn’t bother us at all. He goes in the study and keeps the door shut, pops out for lunch and then goes back to work. I have very noisy children and he’s never complained. We all carry on with our day as if he was in the office.

It's not just you. If DH ever WFH on a day I have off (rare these days) I hated it. Wed have to be quiet as clients would call and you can't have screaming kids in the background. Or keeping the DC out if the office. I also admit I felt like I couldn't just flop on the couch for a couple of hours of he's working. He never made me feel that way - it's all me - but I felt I couldn't relax & just watch a show for a bit.

I think this is partly a "you" problem but also a DH problem.

For example, if he's constantly coming in and out and the kids see him and makes them go daaaaddy, that's inconsiderate of him. I used to WFH a lot when my first DS was 6-18 months and I would not have dreamt to ever do this, I was conscious that the nanny was there and I'd be making her life harder so I timed my exits and lunch breaks carefully. Sometimes she would quietly bring me coffee so I didn't have to go in the kitchen when DS was eating.

But it's also a YOU problem. HE is choosing to wfh and to interfere with your space. Change nothing, do what you usually do, and don't feel weird about it.

No, it is not just you. Working from home is not normal. And neither it is working. Real jobs don't work from home - like a teacher, a bus driver, a doctor, a dinner lady, a fireman, a hairdresser. No, it is not just you.

If the WFH person has a separate room in a big house, its not disruptive.

But when they are working in the only communal living area, it is restrictive.

Hmmm @birdsinginthemorning i am
wondering if it’s maybe worth you reflecting a little on the person you are when you are with DH and the person you are when he isn’t there. Is there a pressure (from you or from him or from anywhere) to be slightly different, like you have a bit of a “wife act” that you keep up when he’s around but relax out of when he’s not and this is why it’s difficult for you when he WFH. Or maybe even if it isn’t a mask as such is there something in the role of wife that is sapping you? Like when mums are just touched out and exhausted and they can’t “switch off” unless the kids are physically not there as they’re kind of in mum
mode 24/7?
It is worth taking some time to perhaps think of yourself and who are are, who people
would describe you to be (is this who you are or who you want them to think you are? And why?) and then who you are when your husband is around, as not being able to be your authentic self with your spouse is problematic and needs looked at I’d say. Food for thought for sure.

You sound like you are being critical just for the sake of it!

My husband works from home ft , if he’s on a call we just shut his door and he uses headphones , it really isn’t a problem

I don’t know. I don’t know how much of it is just different people and maybe how long you’ve been together comes into it. I’ve certainly never felt uncomfortable or awkward in DHs company but there is something just so lovely and luxurious about being able to put absolute shite on the TV and know no one will question it,

Would he actually question it though? Would you question if it was the other way round? I think that’s a bit odd tbh.

Hmmm
I think this depends on if your DH is annoyed or irritable if the kids make noise. My DH worked from home a lot when our kids were small. Our home was first and foremost a home and he never made me feel bad for noise (sometimes a lot of noise!). If he needed to work very quietly either he put on noise cancelling headphones or met someone out of the house/zoomed from elsewhere.
The good of working from home like coming and having lunch (he often made it for all of us) and finishing earlier etc was a big plus.

If your husband is expecting any alterations to normal family life so he can wfh then it's unreasonable and especially during the school holidays.

Does he kick up a stink if you all make noise? That would make anyone on edge.

My husband wfh and I'm off with my two yr old til he's in nursery as it was less money for me to freelance and looknafter him than work full time and send him to nursery, so we're home every day (out every day mornings but home in afternoon) and make a ton of noise but my husband never says anything. He has to.work from home, there is no off.

Your husband choosing to wfh is his choice, its s home fkrst and when kids are home noise is a part of it.

It’ll probably be easier than you fear.

We both wfh and have the younger one at home full time, the kids know that DH is working from a room upstairs and are used to him popping down for a drink or for lunch but leave him to it the rest of the time, it’s theirs and our normal. It’ll be nice for him and your DC to have extra time together at lunch or whatever, it’s not a bad thing that they’re taught he’s busy working outside of that. He’s not stressing about noise or complaining, just travel hopefully and try and find the positives.

Do you get on generally? I love DH working from home tbh

but I know I’ll feel ‘policed’ as to what I’m up to, given ‘jobs’ … when I might want to fuck about and watch homes under the hammer or whatever.

Why though?

Im p/t and have spend many a day binge watching on the sofa whilst DH is working next door and then makes me lunch!

Alternatively, if you love the person you are married to and are in a functional marriage, you try to be conscious of the noise without letting it ruin the day. And the person WFH accepts that there will be some noise.

It must be exhausting to live life in such an aggressive and antagonistic way.

DH wfh next week too as he doesn’t have enough holiday left for time off.

I like it tbh, we eat lunch together if we are about and do something in the morning before work.

perhaps he is not planning to work very hard, perhaps he plans long lunches?