To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

I think it's just something you do - I worry about dh (and he worries about me) and I worry about my kids - I know some people never do - we're all different.

It's what you do with that worry that the important thing, if it makes the recipient feel loved and cared for in an non intrusive way that's good - if it constricts or controls it's not good, if it makes you feel ill it's not good.

Sounds like my dd she tells me everything
she's a massive oversharer, I think this is why I worry so much as I realise what an idiot she is. I wish she lied more like I did with my mum

YADNBU. It's a bit of a kick in the tit when you realise this.

Why did she tell you she'd been drunkenly skinny dipping?

I think that's sensible...our children should not be responsible for our peace of mind...they have their own lives to live and this tracking business is mad!
We weren't tracked, were we?

Having said that, a brief message to say, home safely, after a long drive/journey may not be unreasonable, as long as it's not followed by breathless parental relief, too much pressure, and too emotionally intrusive for our children.
"All things are possible, not all things are probable" is a mantra I've used for many, many years. It's served me well.

I know its a heatwave in London just now. I messaged him to wear sunscreen and drink plenty water.. he's got a job earning 4 times my job, educated to PhD level. I know I didn't need to tell him that but I cant help it. To be fair he replied "will do mum "

I think that's quite sweet!

My eldest 2 are 16 and 19 and I hate it not knowing where they are all the time and knowing the absolute dumb arse decisions they make (especially my eldest) how my eldest is still alive is purely just a miracle at this point. The stress anxiety and sleepless nights have definitely increased the older they have got.

Following their location at 3am then fretting if they are not at home

What happens if they hook up and go back to a random house? Do you panic when you see that they're not home but in a house you don't recognise? Do you phone them and demand an explanation?

Stop the tracking!

I'm going against the grain here.
You need to believe in your adult dc!
Have you not brought them up with common sense and the normal, basic skills of adulting ?

It isnt about how you brought them up it is the worry of all the bad things that could happen to them in the big wide world. DD best friend was killed last year at the age of 21, a car mounted the kerb and knocked her down, common sense would not have saved her nor how she was raised.

OP I know exactly how you feel mine are 21 and 22 (one at Uni and one in central London) and every night I do a mental tally in my head as to where they are and if they are ok. It was only at Xmas when they were both sound asleep under my roof I could fully relax. It is because we love them so much.

I think you should talk to your GP - you're worried that you're over anxious and I think you are. We all worry, but you're consumed with anxiety, which is not your normal.

HRT might not be enough to tackle your anxiety. A friend of mine got fantastic relief from anti-anxiety medication when she ended up in an anxiety spiral, also when she was perimenopausal.

You don't have to suffer through this.

We worry about our kids forever. The issues change, but we still worry.

It’s not just worrying about where they are and whether they are safe. Waiting for uni results, worrying whether they will get a job. And DC has a partner who is also job hunting so have added them to my worry load 😂

So yes @BurnoutGP, I understand what you mean completely!

Ds is late 20s, living in London flatshares. He's going to a festival this weekend (where? What? Who knows..).

We are in Scotland. I know its a heatwave in London just now. I messaged him to wear sunscreen and drink plenty water.. he's got a job earning 4 times my job, educated to PhD level.

I know I didn't need to tell him that but I cant help it.

To be fair he replied "will do mum "

He must have been thinking "Oh for gods sake"....

I voted yabu but with kindness. I work with someone who lost a whole day of work time fretting about whether her 22 year old dd had made it onto a train from Birmingham to somewhere about 4 hours away. It’s not healthy that we can see so much and track everything.

I say this as someone whose 18 yr old has just done a trip around the world. I had occasional chats, a few WhatsApp’s, we had a group chat for his and his travel buddy’s family and let them get on with it.

when I did it, my parents had no clue where I was for weeks on end. We micro manage everything and I’m not sure the risks are higher than they were.

all this monitoring will not stop accidents happening but it will rob us of any peace of mind for now.

ps hrt helped me massively in managing the bizarre anxiety that suddenly hit me in my late 40s

I’m the same OP. I’m currently on holiday and worried sick about DD22 back home alone. My anxieties probably fall into OCD territory when I’m stressed. I’ve found CBT techniques helpful when it happens.

I know it stems from control-freakery. We can no longer guard them or manipulate their environment to keep them safe. Therefore my brain automatically jumps to the worst case scenario! Remind yourselves of all the times you got wound up and she was fine.

It gets easier, or at least did for me. You have to accept that they are adults - easier said than done but start with not messaging your older daughter each day or checking her social media, hearing from her every few days is plenty, you need to give her space and you will begin to relax because you aren’t expecting daily contact. Because of one of my DD’s jobs it can be 4-6 weeks and even then it’s just email, you do get used to it

I think, kindly, you sound a bit over anxious to be honest. Maybe this is due to the expected constant contact with mobile phones/SM?
When I went travelling at 18 I sent a postcard every few weeks, and the occasional call.
Otoh my 17 year olds friend's have all just passed their driving tests, he has his soon, I'm pretty relaxed about most things but this I am worried about!
You just have to trust that you have raised them to make sensible decisions.

This resonates with me so much! The anxiety and worry is next level now mine are young adults!

My youngest was diagnosed with Epilepsy last year out of the blue and that extra layer of worry colours my life daily. He still goes out drinking even though I know it is not good for his health condition so weekends are awful as I worry about him getting in but then worry if he is going to have a seizure. I am a lone parent working full time too so the responsibility to be alert and provide first aid if needed is constantly there. My eldest is coming to the end of a vocational degree which she has worked so hard for and is brilliant at - no jobs in the whole of the UK currently!

I have always been anxious and am perimenopausal and on HRT but I don’t think it is designed to manage my high anxiety so not really a cure as such!

It is helpful to know others feel the same as it is not discussed openly at all I don’t think. This stage of parenting has been far and away the most challenging for me and I am not sure that will ever change - bit bleak really 🥲!

Yeah,I know what you mean.Sometimes I try to force myself to stop worrying about my adult son but it always creeps back in.I wish I could find away to stop worrying so much.

I'm now wondering if my 98 year old gran worries about her 76 year old son??! Probably...!!