To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

I have driving anxiety now which HRT has helped me manage a bit. ie night driving (rubbish night vision) or driving to new places esp with passengers ie friends. Or asking my DH to slow down all the time on motorways as I could visualise a huge crash where we both die etc. Anxiety in peri M is a real symptom. I worry about my DS 18 driving my car. Less so about DD22 as she's more sensible & away at Uni so I've got used to her being absent. She doesn't have a car atm so less to worry about there too.

This is absolutely the sweet spot. Mine are mid teens and while I still have some control I’m dreading them driving, travelling, going to parties etc. I really miss the primary school days 🥹

But is it really in our nature as mothers when childrenare adults? I'd say there is a hefty dose of culture and conditioning laying it on women to put themselves last. It's subtle, but powerful and has rammed up recently with intensive parenting.

We must be better, more loving mothers than the average woman if we worry our heads off, right? One of the original 'be kinds.'

And maybe a lot of the mothers who are worrying excessively are codependent with their children. Sometimes when reading mumsnet, I feel codependency is encouraged as proof of love.

I dont answer everytime, no. She phones under the guise of how are you, what you doing. During her work breaks and after 8pm when shes on her way home. Its fine and I dont mind because I dont always answer because im busy. Its normally a quick 2 minute chat.

3 times per day is insane. Do you even have time to answer that often? What does she think is going to happen to you in between calls?
I see/speak to my mum twice a week and that feels more than plenty.

Not really as you admit your worrying/anxiety is over the top

Definitely more of a worry. Im 40 and my mum calls me at least 3 times per day to check im ok. I have young kids and a 21 year old and I absolutely worry about him more. Its not him, its other people I worry about. I dont think it ever gets easier. I imagine it will be even worse if I get grandchildren.

Mine are 18 and 21. I can’t imagine I will ever stop worrying about them, it’s in my nature as a person and as a mum.

I understand the change of routine concern, but I still think that this level of daily checking up on children who are fully-fledged adults is not normal behaviour. At some point both sides have to manage to let go a bit and develop more independence. It’s a negative development in modern times.

I think the PP’s point though is that worrying won’t change any of those things. All you can do is, to the best of your ability to try and give them the tools to navigate life safely and successfully. Worrying/tracking/being in constant contact isn’t going to change their decision making.

Yes, that’s all well and good when they play ball. What if they don’t?!

Mine is almost 18 and she has no concept of her lack of capabilities to look after herself, feed herself, go shopping. And won’t listen to anything I say. And highly vulnerable. She wants to go to university in September and thinks she is capable of looking after herself. She has ED and is a big risk taker. I had to get her to eat to literally save her life 2 years ago.

Dd has A levels at the moment and booked to go on holiday with 2 friends abroad to a party location. One of whom also has ED. We’ve refused to pay and I think one of the parents has agreed to lend her the money. And as dd won’t let herself admit she’s ill, she won’t get any help or attention from the other 2, both of whom will be getting pissed whilst dd forgets to feed herself. The other one will get all the attention as she’s really needy, whereas on the surface dd shows nothing and appears highly capable, which she is in certain areas. Ie stuff she’s practiced a lot.

Dd is a light drinker, but a party animal and I’m really concerned she’s going to be a target abroad for predators, people traffickers etc. I’m exhausted by it all.

Im hoping my younger ones will be easier she's always been my hardest child and the one I've worried about the most my other children have very different personality types and are a lot less chaotic.

maybe you can try to stop yourself worrying? I have no way of tracking my 20 y o- only texts. Don’t know his social media accounts. It makes I don’t worry as much - as he says, if something bad happens, you’ll know.

Yanbu. The baby and toddler years are simpler as you have control of their safety....the worry gets worse....

I think that's very common. Parents with tiny babies that that's the most difficult stage but for me it wasn't. Looking back that was the easiest.
The worry and anxiety gets progressively worse as they grow up and you have less control.
Being a parent is a life long job

I do actually agree with this. I've recognised my anxiety can be OTT and I certainly wouldn't track my kids, never have. Life will happen regardless. It's not easy though.

Oh yes I totally relate to this. I've got 2 adult DC who have left home and a 7 year old. I spend far more time worrying about the 2 adults. The oldest is married and settled but there are still problems and worries, and I know she's not happy at the moment. The younger is a workaholic and drinks too much. I actually told them last weekend that I was worried about them both and they could always come to me if they needed to. I'm lucky that they only live about an hour away and actually live together which makes things a bit easier. Peri has really ramped up my constant anxiety and dread and I'm really trying to work on it and accept that I can't control things, only support them as needed.

My eldest was like that. Can't believe how easy my younger 2 have been compared to him. They do mature and he does seem to have a natural resilience which a lot of young people don't seem to have.

I’m in my 30s and still message my parents when I get home from a night out or landed after a flight.
i have kids/husband/own house but my parents still love/care/worry

I think I worried more when they started being more independent. About 14. Was worse about my 1st as he was a more difficult child anyway. Not so much with the younger ones. It stopped once they hit about 20. Of course we always are concerned and interested in their welfare. My son's have traveled overseas and I don't recall being overly anxious. It could be hormonal but I think if I had a daughter maybe I would feel different.

@youalright yes and I’m not saying you can’t support your children, guide them etc but tracking them and interfering with their day is not going to stop bad things from happening is my point. It would have made me run a mile from my parents! You have to contain the worry.
I say this as a person who works with people with brain injury - the worst things that can possibly happen. Believe me, I’ve had to work through some anxious thoughts but with therapy, I’ve been able to live a happy life and contain them so they don’t impact on my children.

Come back to us when you have a teenager/ young adult and you see what kind of decisions they make and then tell us if you still feel the same. You think of 18 year olds to be grown up and mature until you have one and realise how young 18 actually is. My eldest is 19 and from the outside she seems like she has her shit together she has a full time job is in the process of buying her first house, completely capable of cooking and cleaning etc, drives a car but underneath that she's emotionally immature, very impulsive, thinks she's invincible, doesn't understand the consequences of her actions, doesn't see dangers, is easily led and has very little common sense.

Yes but you are not going to stop it is my point but you will ruin the interactions you have with your adult children. None of us know what’s round the corner and I choose to be positive.

Never say never…..

As the saying goes
When they are little your arms ache and when they have grown up you heart aches.