To worry more about adult DC than I ever did when they were little

When my 16 year old son was angry with me he would slam out of the house, get on his motorbike and drive away. Much more worrying than toilet training, or did he want to wear his wellies in bed!

Yes, in this entirely fictional scenario made up by you, maybe I’ve fictionally interfered too much in my children’s lives. I will apologise to them.
You’ve pressed me and pressed me on this for absolutely no reason other than you appear to want an argument. Do I think people tracking each other is intrusive, generally speaking? Yes. Do I care if your adult children track their friends or vice versa? Absolutely not, I couldn’t care less what your adult children do. Can we end this episode of Jackanory here?

And maybe you interfere more in your kids lives than you like to think.

What an odd take.

Do you have adult children @dreaminglife ?
Are you not able to discuss different things with them ?

Not sure why you are pressing TotalBaloney on this hypothetical situation ?

I mean, I could be completely off track and maybe in this fictional scenario they’d react completely differently. Maybe they’d laugh hysterically and run around with their pants on their heads? Who knows, because it’s a fictional scenario.

This is actually a really weird conversation 😂.
Ive never had that particular discussion with my kids, so this is all an entirely fabricated scenario based on you asking me whether I felt that people tracking other people is intrusive. So no, my kids aren’t particularly ‘innocent’… I’ve never had this conversation with them, because they don’t allow their friends to track them.
If they did, and if I felt it was a problem, I may say to them that they don’t have to do it just because everyone else does etc. In this entirely fictional scenario, I envisage that they would either roll their eyes at me or maybe say ‘yeah, actually maybe you’re right’. But I don’t know, because it’s a fictional scenario that was invented by you, not me.

They’d be inclined to ask why I felt I needed to state that - don’t you think your kids know that already? Maybe yours are more innocent than most?

They don’t see us having a conversation in which I express an opinion as ‘interfering’. You are honestly saying that your adult kids would be pissed off if you said ‘don’t feel obligated to share your location with friends if you don’t want to’? They sound pretty sensitive and easily offended.

Having a personal opinion is fine - having an opinion about how they live their lives and expressing it - now that is going to be controversial and from what I know on here and through my friends, adult DCs do not appreciate their parents opining on their lives. Are your kids really happy about you interfering in this way?

Well I wouldn’t be ‘informing’ them as such, it would just be a conversation in which I gave an opinion. Surely your adult DC don’t mind you having opinions? My children certainly don’t always agree with mine, but they don’t mind me having them and voicing them.

I'm a great believer in thinking that if two consenting adults choose to do something they are both happy with, then it isn't any of my business BUT, if it were a thing that came into a conversation with any of my dc, I would ask them why? I would like to be reassured they'd thought about it and made a conscious choice to allow it for certain times, for what were (for them) good reasons and that it wasn't something they thought was just 'normal' and particularly that it weren't part of a coercive relationship.

That must have been difficult - mine were more the don’t really care what you do - that didn’t feel too good either. Extremes are never good. But you can’t hold yourself responsible for your kids choices - you can’t think that modelling perfect parents will chuck out kids who make perfect decisions- they have to learn by their own mistakes and allowing them the freedom to make mistakes is what’s really missing in modern parenting.

I grew up with controlling parents who didn't trust us checked up on us constantly and often questioning us like they didn't believe us.

Of course I'm more prone to see that pattern of behavior than others and find it very odd that tracking of adults is being so widely normalized as I can see the downsides.

I also have kids two at uni and one just under that age who is out and about under their own steam - and worry this normalisation despite us not doing it could potentially impact them.

I don’t think there’s anything to discuss. You have a particular view that I found quite dismissive. I responded in kind.

I’m interested in your views because you come across as feeling very strongly about this. Don’t worry - there’s no conspiracy - I don’t work for Snapchat or Life360 and I’m not a stalker - so we’re all good!😌

Why are you so desperate to normalising tracking other adults?

If I or my kids choose if for a short term reason hardly worrying.

Routine tracking I do think it problematic -- I think it can fan anxiety which some posters seem to think may be happening to OP though I'm not so sure. It can also normalisies behavior that often a precursor to stalking or control. Though again it depends on circustances - though I think where it's helpful it a lot rare than many MN posters want to admit.

If my teen or young had a partner or anyone tracking and constantly questioning them about location I'd be worried and I think most parents would be.

I have been struck though how defensive many posters are about tracking their adult kids and how willling many young adults are to go along with it. But then I didn't realised how bad a lot of my parents behavior was till much later - and married a man with similar background - things our parents would have flipped out at if their own parents had tried they couldn't see issues with when it was them doing it to us.

I think it's worth considereing why the tracking being done - if it's about control I don't think that's healthy - if there's an actual decent reason and everyone happy well there's no issue. I don't think any of that view is revolutionary TBH - the few families I know who do it and it's very few it's seem more done without much thought put into it.

I agree it fine not to want to be monitored but is it also fine not to be bothered about it?

If it was mentioned to me -depending on how it came across when they did so ie context - I'd assume something about it was worrying them and reassuring them it's fine to not be tracked if they don't want to.

If not like coercive control and abusive relationship aren't know for starting with excessive mointoring and controlling where the victim is going. I'd do same for other family members friends and collegues gently point out it's fine not to want to be mointored.

I'm not washing my hand of all involvement when they hit 18 nor am I tracking them.

That's not to say I can't think of situation where phone tracking can be useful - house moves or meet up - but routinely I think that goes into problematic behavior - just because tech allows it doesn't mean we always should. One of DD2 friends has parents who track her - though she rarely ventures far from home or college - she does it back and questions them on where they've been - having had parents who were very controlling I'd really struggle with that dynamic.

If adult kids are traveling remotely or giving birth or doing anything more high risk than average of course parents will worry more. OP has a couple of extrenal stressors but seems sensible to me. However joyfully telling her it always going to be like this is I think unhelpful. It will get better and it may then get worse again but it won't stay as stressful - this is just a bad patch and it will improve eventually.

Surely it's better if you put it in words, then we can discuss it.

Well I've read the full thread @SabrinaThwaite and think you're being rude.

If you’d read the full thread you’d know why.

Interesting where the lines are - my adult dcs would think me informing them that they shouldn't feel pressured to allow their friends to track them would be overstepping into "none of your business - I'm an adult" territory.😂

I’d make sure they know that they shouldn’t feel pressured to allow their friends to track them if they don’t want to. Otherwise there wouldn’t be much I could do, as they are adults.

Would you try to convince your adult children not to allow their friends to track them or would you see that as none of your business?

You could at least say why.