AIBU to feel hurt when one school mum ignores me in groups

If you know you are adhd, and suspect rsd, then you already know that your mind is playing against you and will only look for evidence to support this perceived rejection. Or, the other mum really is just a complete nob.
How are other things in your life? Where do you feel you can find the validation that you need and are clearly not going to get from other mums? Focus on that.

Lol. As explained in my post I'm still polite to people I don't like, only rude arseholes are rude to people or refuse to engage in basic social niceties. Chatting to someone politely to avoid confrontation does not for one minute mean I actually like them or want to be friends with them. The problem comes when people like the woman plaguing me and OP take any sign of politeness as a green light to go full BFF on someone and can't understand why they don't want a limpet. She will be nice to you sometimes of her choosing to avoid social awkwardness. We learn as children that we all have to rub along together and that means being nice to people we don't really like just to avoid conflict in situations where we can't avoid eachother like school pickup.

I'm not defensive at all, don't know where you got that idea from. Just pointing out that more often than people blowing hot and cold isn't a power play, it's not all about you, it's just someone tolerating someone they wish would leave them alone. God I wish my limpet would leave me alone! But she's my stable neighbour so I can't just tell her to fuck off because I don't like her can I? I have to be cordial to keep the peace like we do when we have to get on with people we don't like in all walks of life. She thinks just like OP and you do about the social warfare she perceives but none of us put any effort into the games she thinks we're playing, we put all our effort into avoiding her where possible and being cordial when we can't! I just want to be left in peace to enjoy my hobby, like lots of mums just want to be left in peace to drop their kids off.

As per PP, a lot of people on MN seem to vastly overestimate the amount of time other people spend thinking about them. Just forget about this woman and her imaginary power play. She'll probably be grateful you've moved on and she won't have to entertain your need socialising with her anymore.

If you think not wanting to befriend someone you don't like when they try to insert themselves into an existing friendship then guilt trip everyone for not including them and as a by-product ruin all the nice times you were previously enjoying with your friends is Regina George territory then that explains a lot about why you think everyone is waging social warfare so often in your life!

Thank you for your observation, of course it's occurred to me, but why would somebody 'just not like me'? I'm the mutts nuts!

If she 'doesn't just like me' why is she nice sometimes, at her choosing?

So thanks but I haven't 'just dreamt up' anything, neither has the OP, and reading behind the lines of the defensive tone of your reply, I would hazard that you know exactly how this game works and could probably teach Regina George a thing or two!

Wishing you all the very best xoxoxo

If she's engaging one to one, she doesn't hate you, this is a power play. Are you extra nice to her because she does this to you? Some people see that niceness as a weakness and an okay to continue being on and off.

Rather than using mind-control and being jealous, she might not give you a moment's thought. She just doesn't want to be friends for some reason, probably nothing to do with you. I think some MN posters grossly overestimate how much time other people spend thinking about them.

You feel singled out in the same way you might if you were in the playground and everyone was offered a sweet except you. Your extreme hurt reaction is probably linked to something from childhood where you felt excluded.

Has it ever occurred to you that this game you've dreamt up is probably all in your head and this woman just doesn't like you so doesn't put any effort in and really doesn't care if you like her not? It's highly unlikely she cares enough to play control mind games.

You need to know that it's not you, it's her. She is mean and uses it as a control thing. She is probably jealous of you. It's nothing you have done and can rectify, she's the type to just go cold on people for mystifying reasons of her own.

I have been on the receiving end of b*txhes like this and I can tell you the only way is to mirror their actions. If she talks to you and is kind, talk back and be kind. If she ignores you, ignore her. Don't ever rise to her or let her know she's getting to you and never lose your cool. Also try not to talk about her Be really friendly with the other mums but cooler with her, same way she is. The minute she knows she can't phase you, she will grow some respect for you and stop it.

Above all, you need to remember it's not a you problem, it's a her problem.

there is a cow like this in every single school year, making someone's life a misery.

I think all the comments about her being horrible and stupid from PP are silly and childish. This woman doesn't have to be your friend and she clearly doesn't want to be so leave her alone.

I'll give you a perspective from the other side. I have a horse and love riding, I am very selective as to who I ride with because I'm quite nervous and don't want to go out with people riding spooky naughty horses. A new lady turned up in our stable last summer, she instantly started going on about us all riding together. I told her I only ride with one lady and no one else and I told her why. She said her horse was calm and well behaved and we'd all be a good match so I said fine, we all went out for a ride together. It was hell. Her horse was a nightmare, he upset my horse and made me feel unsafe to the point I got off and walked home with him. Since then she constantly goes on about us l riding together. I've made it clear I'm not going with her again several times but she continues to push and sulks when she sees me riding with my friend because we're "leaving her out". She constantly messaged us both and set up a group chat that never stopped pinging. It's awful. When I see her in the barn I am polite and engage in chit chat as not to be rude but I don't like her at all and we are not friends. We never will be. But she doesn't get that and just keeps harassing me, sending us all messages about how she feels left out of the group and we're isolating her. No one is doing any such thing, we just don't like her! MN posters would be telling her to "match my energy" and "stop putting effort in because I'm stupid and nasty". Honestly I'd be relieved if she did that! If someone isn't being all chummy with you it's because they don't want to be, it doesn't mean you have to grind them down until they treat you the way you want them to. This woman is not entitled to be part of our friendship group and she is not entitled to my time or headspace and she needs to accept that. You need to accept that about this woman. The fact that she's chatty with you one on one may just be that you are chatting to her and she doesn't want to be rude. That doesn't make her horrible or blowing hot and cold, it makes her polite for entertaining someone she doesn't want to be friends with rather than just ignoring you.

Accept she doesn't want to be your friend. Accept you can't change that. Accept you aren't entitled to her friendship. Then move on. Rejection hurts us all but you have to accept some people won't like you and it doesn't mean that you're not nice! I'm nice and not everyone likes me. The woman I don't like at the stable is nice, I don't dislike her because she's not nice, I dislike her for a while host of other reasons. That's life.

I was a minority in the UK for twenty years. I would say two things to that.

(1) It’s a mistake to assume that someone of the same ethnicity is automatically your friend because they feel familiar, any more than they would be if you met them in your country of origin.

(2) They may not want to befriend you just because you share a background.

I tended to avoid people from my country when I moved to the UK, if anything. If I’d only wanted to hang around with people from there, I’d have stayed at home! That didn’t mean I was unfriendly, I simply didn’t think we needed to automatically become close friends, just as I didn’t need to befriend the parents of children my child liked — I would have that child over, absolutely, and the accompanying parent if the child was young, but unless I genuinely liked the parent, I didn’t befriend them.

This woman may feel similarly. If, as you say, you struggle socially, she may not want you to latch onto her. It’s not her job to make it easier for you in groups.

Anyway, it doesn’t particularly matter why. She’s made her position clear. She doesn’t mind an occasional chat, but doesn’t want to befriend you.

I absolutely get that rejection hurts, but it’s happened to us all at one time or other. I don’t struggle at all socially, and there have been times I’ve made overtures of friendship and it’s been a no. You just say ‘Oh, well’ and move on.

Well at least you have your answer! I wouldn't have messaged her but at least you know it's not in your head. You could just say you didn't mean her and the other parents in the group. You just find it hard meeting new people (keep it brief if you are replying) then just leave it as you sound like you're trying quite hard.

honestly school is a very long time and you’re going to meet people who are odd. I’ve got terrible rejection sensitivity (adhd) and I’ve had to really be firm with myself since my son was a baby to chill out when it comes to people being odd. I had one mum friend who went from being all over me at sensory classes to ignoring me in the local park repeatedly. No idea why, other friends noticed it. But at the end of the day I didn’t do anything and that’s her problem.

I would just continue being lovely to everyone else and being you. You’re better off without her if she’s playing those games at this stage of life. Don’t try so hard, if you are chatting fab but don’t go out of your way.

Oh lordy. I wouldn't have wanted a hug. These mums aren't friends. They are purely the mum of a child whose a friend of your child.

That was my first thought. Terrible if so.

What is RSD? I have definitely seen some minorities be hostile when someone else like them turns up. I think they feel it threatens their special status, if you know what I mean?

I’ve got two school mums like this who have always completely blanked me. At first it made me feel really rubbish and I took it personally. Then, I remembered that I’m actually a nice person. I may not be the best communicator, or the most fun or interesting person, so I may not be everyone’s best friend, fine, but I’m nice and I don’t deserve to be ignored. Since then, I now ignore them back and don’t think twice. It’s an issue THEY have, not us.

As we go through life, we realise there are some strange people out there. I’d just nod and smile and leave it there, she’s obviously a bit of an idiot.

Firstlty i'd say its just her not you. I've had this so many times with school mums, nice one to one but as soon as there is someone in their eyes who is more useful around they ignore you and talk to them. Could be because the other mums child is the class alpha, on the pta anything at all.

Secondly interesting to hear that you have RSD, can i ask do you think you've had it all your life and how much does it affect you in social situations and friendships?
I think my daughter also has it and she is really struggling with friendships, constantly being friends one minute then falling out but saying she doesn't know why. There isn't much around about it and it seems they won't really diagnose it until older anyway.

Have you spoken to her about your RDS/adhd? Has she hugged you before and maybe you flinched etc?

Hugging other mums? Who actually wants that? No one would be hugging me! Be glad about not being hugged. She sees you as part of the furniture. She doesn’t need to be ultra demonstrative with you as you and dc are constant. She’s acting up with the others for some reason. Curating friendships maybe? You just have to ignore the stupidity.

Do you think she’s in some way sort of ashamed of her background and doesn’t want people to lump to together as the xxx women or whatever?

Could you call her out on it? “Oi Mable where’s my hug?”

Its sounds like it’s a her issue not a you issue. Do you want a closer relationship with her or are you worried the other women will lessen their interactions with you because of her behaviour?

I think the issue here is giving it so much headspace. The question you need to ask is so what, who cares if she hugs you. She’s not your family, she’s nice one on one, stop making so much effort, stop thinking about her so much, she doesn’t matter, honestly she really doesn’t matter.