AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the unequal mental load at home?

So he can’t think for himself, but if you tell him what needs doing it’s nagging.

And he’s the one threatening to leave.

Ffs.

You have a system problem!! Sit down with DH, and accept that you were nagging him. Put in place a system with his tasks/chores, yours and the shared ones. You both need to stick to the system and voila!!

He is probably checking with you constantly regarding changing baby’s top and other little task because he doesn’t want to trigger anything. Explain that you are happy for him to take initiative especially on things that makes sense and when he does, even if it’s not to your liking e.g wrong baby top.. then stay chilled. Life as a mother/wife is the hardest!

I went through this, and to a degree still am. We both work ft but he earns a huge amount more than me and with that I think he expects me to do everything kids .When I was off for maternity, I did do everything and that carried on, but there came a point when they were older (4 years, maybe 5) that they could articulate and when he dumped everything on me I silently just didn't do it. He used to say I was nagging, so I didn't remind him of jackets, water, medicine, what time the class started, where it was, where the keys were. I just said nothing. It's hard and you get grumpy or ill kids after, so I still have to make up for his mistakes but the point is so does he. He has to own it and get his shit together. When your kids get older, go on holiday for at least a week and don't leave notes, just let him do everything, just switch off, don't nag, don't correct, don't compensate, don't judge, just leave him to it. Mine called his mum within 24 hours. Game changer. Good luck!

@rollinginthedeepsea re bins. I know exactly what time DH is due home. So just before he arrives, I gather the bins, general, recycling, food + cardboard and just place them outside the front door. He then takes them to the wheelie bins before coming into the house. He jokingly moans that I only needed to go a bit further with them. Bins get done though and it’s a 50/50 job.

50/50 is the way to go for a happy household. We do both work FT though in addition to raising two kids.

I really feel for you with the constant questions too. My DH once asked me if he should throw a moldy bagel he’d left in his car in the bin. Some people get an insane level of helplessness when babies are in the mix.

It’s only nagging if you have to ask him more than once. If he did it you wouldn’t have to ask….

Are you a SAHM and he's working full time? If that's the case, I think it's fair that the stay at home parent does the majority of the housework. When I was a SAHM I did the cleaning, shopping, cooking, school runs etc BUT when DH was home, he did muck in with clearing up after dinner, bathing and putting the children to bed and would happily stick a load of washing on or hang it out.

We have clear jobs. I do not ask him to out the bins out. That is his job.

similarly he does not ask me to do the laundry I do it in my own time.

we found expecting the other person to do tasks because we were thinking they would didn’t work. Neither did expecting them to do something right away.
similarly we alternate bedtimes with the kids. Whoever had the easier child, also clears the kitchen.

absolutely it is rarely equal in the mental load, I found it as hard to give some things up as to just do all the things.

Do not feel bad for expecting your husband to be an adult.

He knows what needs doing, he chooses not to do it.

I stayed, I didn't challenge it, and it has ruined me.