AIBU to feel overwhelmed by the unequal mental load at home?

I do think finding a way to step back is the key, I'm just not sure how you pull it off in all areas of life, and for most women who aren't out of the house for 14 hours straight.

Ideally, you don’t start it in the first place so there is nothing to step back from. In my case, as per my username, it took 9 years for DH to demonstrate to me that he was a capable adult and would be an equal parent that would support me to return to work full time and pursue my career just as he expected to. When DD came along DH was working away 5.5 days a week but when he was at home he was fully responsible for DD for several hours a day and whatever housework needed doing we shared (I did next to none during the week). So there was never any expectation I would be doing it all, and I never did. When DH returned home permanently 18 months later he became the default parent (and still is 14 years on). Good job because my job means I travel a lot (have done for about 5 years now) and it wouldn’t be any good if he couldn’t do anything.

I went back to work part time when DD was 9 months, only one 'day' a week on the weekend, but a 12 hour shift up to an hour and a half commuting and often late finishes, so an average 14 hour day. Apart from pumping enough milk for the day until DD was 1 and could have cows milk, i left him to it.

He never picked up his fair share of mental, emotional, housework load in other areas, and we are divorce now, but he is a good dad, because i didn't give him the choice not to be.

I do think finding a way to step back is the key, I'm just not sure how you pull it off in all areas of life, and for most women who aren't out of the house for 14 hours straight.

How did that ever start?

OP, maternity leave often traps women like this. It’s meant to be there to support you to recover from growing and birthing your baby, not to enable you to be a cleaner/housekeeper.

You have a 4 year old. He’s had chance to learn already. You need to stop enabling him to be so pathetic. No, he may not do things the same way you do but he’s a grown man and perfectly capable of learning how to keep a child alive. Stop
putting up with this sexist shit. In our house, unless it needs specific genitalia to undertake the job, it’s everyone’s job.

Can you afford a cleaner OP? It would be cheaper than a divorce!

I would make some lists to stick on the fridge - daily tasks, weekly tasks, what needs to be in the nappy bag, what the 4-year-old needs for outings/school/activities e.g. swimming. Make sure you include everything you do, and make them as detailed as needed, for example instead of just 'laundry' list all the steps - wash (include different machine settings if needed), hang on washing line or whatever your indoor drying solution is for rainy days, then put away. Laminate the lists and keep a whiteboard pen next to them so you can tick off jobs as you complete them, make a note that you need more nappies for the bag, etc. He will have no excuse for not knowing what needs to be done if it's all there, and may start to gain more of an appreciation for all the things you do that he's probably not even aware of because they're just always done.
Yes it's treating him like a child to spell it all out, but he's not going to just magically change and this way any time he asks what or how to do something you can just refer him to the lists.

It so great that there are a growing amount of women that recognise that men ask inane questions to keep up a pretence of helplessness. I had to have a conversation with my husband last week as I was sick of doing all the thinking in the household, and having to contribute to tasks that he started that really only take one person to do.

Keep fighting ladies, they'll learn eventually!!

(Save the NAMALTs - not interested)

We call it “subcontracting out your thinking.”

The list thing and dividing up the chores was what really helped us to improve things.

We are well past the younger years now and still yesterday DH asked me should he throw out a rusty wire hanger. I just don’t even respond anymore, it is so unnecessary.

He will. He absolutely will. If you have even one day off a week he will think that means you should do everything. The only way is to return full time. Perhaps look into that.

As terrible as it sounds the only way this has ever changed for me or any other woman I know is to return to full time work. Not part time. Full time. He will probably go back to doing 60/40 again. I don't regret the wonderful time spent with my children but gong PT after having children ruined our marriage. It became a 1950's marriage and there was a lack of respect that came with it. Men do not respect housework and parenting their children as 'real work'.

My concern is that if he is threatening to leave that he wants you to do everything and the threat is to make you comply. That's very unusual for someone with such a small baby.

I'd go straight to suggesting marriage counselling. This is a huge deal and I don't think you can resolve it on your own if someone is issuing threats. I would also start thinking through a plan for being on your own. He does not seem willing to compromise and that's a concern

It doesn’t get better. My partner asked today if the duvet cover he was holding was single or king. When I was exasperated he said ‘ I knew you’d be angry and didn’t want to ask.’ He still did though. Then said ‘you know more about these things ‘ then ‘ don’t ask me about the car then’ I don’t because I don’t drive and the car is his and his responsibility.
We have be together 20 years. 20 years of mindless questioning. I don’t know the answer😢

I read somewhere on mumsnet 'youre only asking him to do what he would HAVE to do himself if he was a single man living alone'. So things like; clean the bathroom, tidy the kitchen, put away the laundry, remember to put petrol in the car etc. I'm very (lucky?-sad that that's the default nowadays?!) that I have a husband who appreciates that this is also his home and he pays towards the bloody mortgage therefore gets on with it, but the above sentiment still struck a chord....

The nagging thing would really irk me, I wouldn't jave to nag if you weren't a manchikd who needed micro managing.

Needs telling to load the dishwasher?

Oh and his answer is to threaten to leave? Fuck off then.

I’m currently on maternity leave with our second so am also doing more because I’m around. However I’ve really pushed back against any increase to the mental load and broadly, it’s working.

• If he asks a question, default no-thought response is “what do you think?” And then be okay with the answer.
• Calmly and politely ask direct questions at appropriate times, eg “could you take the bins out after dinner please?”
• Don’t criticise attempts, even half-arsed ones. Let results speak for themselves.
• If his laundry isn’t in the basket, it doesn’t get washed. If it’s in the way, I put it on his pillow. I fully own the passive-aggressiveness of this.
• If we go out, he packs the nappy bag.
• If I’m having a rubbish day and haven’t had time to cook dinner, I text him to let him know he will need to cook. I don’t tell him what (unless I’d already planned it) and I don’t apologise. I’m not apologising for having such a bad day with the baby I couldn’t even cook. It’s his job to pick up the slack.
• Write lists together for him to check off, if necessary.
• Remember that the stakes are very rarely that high.

Have a look at Alex Trippier on Facebook. He has some really brilliant posts on this and how to change things. He says himself that the jobs he did were just manual labour with no thought whereas the jobs his wife was doing required a lot of mental load to get to that point. Is he takes the bins out- they’re full they need emptying isn’t hard. Her cooking dinner required her to think about what everyone would eat, whether they’d had it too recently, whether it was nutritionally balanced, what was in the cupboards and fridge to make that meal, what she needed to buy for that meal. How would she buy those ingredients she needed, if she had to go out to the shops when could she do that, did she have to fit it in around other child’s needs or baby’s needs, other appointments etc. if that was a car journey to the supermarket does the car have fuel in it does she then need to go and do that as well.
he explains it so well you really see how those 2 jobs are nowhere near balanced although in your husbands eyes they will be.

Anyone constantly checking with another about what they should do and how they should do it is walking on eggshells. He is terrified of doing anything wrong. So doesn’t do it under his own steam. And asks. Which drives you mad.
Nagging, as you admit to, has not resulted in him learning to take initiative at all.
So it doesn’t work.
So stop the nagging.
I agree with posters about sitting down and just talking it through.

I would though look at your list above and recognise he does a fair bit. He works full time in addition. Don’t look at what you think he doesn’t do, look at what he does.

The mental load of having to ask someone to look after their own house and children in detail is as exhausting as just doing it yourself. No one taught which hat, drink, bag, food, bin, dishwasher, laundry. You figured it out! Give him one list once - what he needs to do every day and that’s it. Every time he asks for detailed instructions about how to look after his own children tell him to figure it out like you had to. If he decides to leave I assume he will want contact and will have to figure it out then too. My exh was the same and when he picked our daughter up to have overnight he expected me to pack a bag with bottles, formula, nappies, wipes, sun cream, snacks, drinks etc. I said no - you need to buy a supply of these things to keep at your house. Figure it out! He did because he had to.

But that is treating him like a child. Why can't he see that the bins need emptying.

(I can't talk, I have no answers to this)

Literally every couple I know seems to have fallen into this trap after having children - everyone working full time, but somehow everything home and children is her ultimate responsibility.

I think maternity leave is particularly bad for creating this situation - as you are at home, so you end up doing everything and so end up with ownership of more and more tasks. This never changes when you go back to work.

Meanwhile your DH’s life continues as it ever was, contributing when asked but not taking any initiative. Able to spend 12 hours a day out the house, while you struggle to spend more than 5 minutes away from the baby. So the resentment is twofold.

I have had endless, endless rows with my DH about this. He also has accused me of nagging but I have made it clear that asking him to participate in his own home or family life is not ‘nagging’ and if he just bloody did x or y I wouldn’t need to keep reminding him.

What has worked? It’s still not perfect but I have scheduled days he has to cook etc, scheduled days for each to get a lie in, I have a written list of tasks so what needs doing is visible. I’m still ultimately running the show but at least some tasks are taken off me - and I flat out refuse to discuss or participate in his tasks ie no don’t ask what cloths the kids need or what you should cook - that’s not taking the job away from me.

Also - and specific to your being on Mat leave - are you getting any time alone? I found this was very good for my dynamic with DH as I felt I had some life outside of the baby and the house. And it makes them more confident with decision making and caring for the baby alone.

I assume this is the reason for most divorces - it truly blows my mind though that it’s such an endemic problem, every woman I know has told me some version of this story.

He would have to do 100% of chores and childcare if he left you, or maybe he thinks he'll get another woman to do it all again.

Leaving is a threat to control you. I'd seriously consider a break . He doesn't sound great.

I think the poster that suggests having set jobs would be helpful so there is no confusion or doubt that someone else will do it. At the moment it's easy If the jobs are always for anyone to cop out of it and if he waits long enough then you will pick up the slack. If the dishwasher becomes his job you won't have to nag him about it as he will hopefully learn that he is the only one who will be doing it.
I would look at what you think would be a fair division - you won't be going back full time so you should in my mind take on more at home because of this.
Can you talk through different jobs that exist and then split them proportionally?
Trying to think how we do it
Me
Internet bill
Water bill
My car insurance
Home insurance
School admin (this i always feel is a big one as so many messages to sift through and remember)
Planning holidays, days out
Organising kids birthdays (presents, parties)
General sorting of children (clothing)
Food shop
Cooking
Dishes (some nights)
School run
One kids activity

Husband
Gas/electric bill
His car insurance
Family mobile phones
Car maintenance
Bins
Cleaning (he does it better 😂)
Dishes (some nights)
DIY (we have begun to accept that neither of us likes this so do now pay if it's something big that neither of us want to do, and cut back on other things to do this e.g painting and decorating)
Garden (he enjoys this so more of a hobby)
One kids activity

Also, I’ve stopped reminding dh of his mums birthday/ Mother’s Day etc. I’ve stopped buying the cards and presents. The fall out has been awful between him and his mum! And I’m pretty sure she blames me for it, but I’m holding firm. The internalised misogyny runs deep. But I said to her “I’m leaving the relationship between you and your son up to you”. Don’t think she appreciated that.

So because you’re asking to do his half he’s threatening with leaving? What kind of emotional manipulation is that…

You’ve got a bunch of options. Stop doing the things which will only affect him (his laundry, his dinner etc). Write a post-it every time you do a job and create a “I did this job” wall of post its. Tell him to do the same. No loud declarations, no nothing, just slowly accumulating post its to get the message across. When he wants to “borrow your brain” (when we call it in our house), call him out. I say something like “don’t you live here to?” “What do you think?” “Do what you think is best” “you’re using my brain again”.

But yes, be exhausted and keep fighting your corner.

Listen to Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.