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AIBU?

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Original poster

Relative took my niece and missed my child's party

244 replies

Familygal1 · 22/05/2026 20:32

Please bear with me as this is long but I don't want to miss details out.

It was my child's birthday and I'd organised a small party after school with them, their sibling and 2 cousins who are also siblings (and who we are very close with) - 4 children in total.

The morning of DC's birthday, I found out from another family member that she's taking one of the cousins away for a few days and that child won't be attending. The plans were last minute arranged very late the night before and purely so parents didn't have to parent.

Side note: I'm also close with this family member as she has my neice/nephew for childcare and we meet up a few times a week with the kids.

So, when I found out she was taking her, I was absolutely devastated. It meant a lot for both cousins to be there to celebrate my child's birthday. They'd agreed to come and I'd made a cake, sorted food etc. because it was such a small gathering, their presence was missed. This family member knew all of this and decided not to mention to parents or try to resolve it.

To be clear, before the relative left with my niece, I expressed my upset and disappointment. She told me she understood etc. and admitted that there was no reason for the niece to be going other than it been a break for parents. Obviously this didn't seem like a valid reason to miss a close family members part to me and I reiterated how upset I was. Family member did nothing.

I told nieces parents that I was upset and they said they hadn't thought it through, it was last minute and apologised. I was still upset but ultimately I accept this. They didn't know how I felt until it was too late.

However, I was still feeling really hurt the next morning and actually, things had progressed to anger. I messaged the relative calmly (at first) to get it off my chest. I told her that she could have said something to the parents, especially after seeing my hurt and upset. I told her I felt like my child wasn't a priority. I honestly feel like she shouldn't have gone, told the parents that it wasn't fair to my child to not have everyone there to celebrate them etc.

She said sorry for not calling but quickly followed this up with excuses and said she was trying to help (obviously not my child or me). She said she didn't think I'd minded (after I explicitly expressed my feelings before she left). Honestly the message felt insincere, dismissive and unapologetic. There was no accountability.

I was fuming after that and message back saying it was 'bull💩' she didn't know as I told her and she saw me.
I told her she let me and my child down.

I know this is harsh but it's also true.

Her response was dismissive again: 'im
sorry you feel that way'.

I blocked her after that message as I realised she either didn't actually care how hurt I was or couldn't accept any accountability and I wasn't going to get an apology or the validation of my feelings I needed.

I'm sure this is a bit U. But am a unreasonable expecting her to put my child first given it was his birthday, the birthday plans were made and their new plans were VERY last minute and could have been easily cancelled? Like I said I was close to her so for her to see how upset I was and not act isn't something I feel I can easily forgive. AIBU?

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 23/05/2026 08:49

Familygal1 · 23/05/2026 07:02

I also read the comments and I know I shouldn't have blocked. It was something I did in the heat of the moment, after feeling unheard by the family member. I entirely appreciate what you're all saying though, she was in the middle.

However, I do see it slightly differently. The parents either genuinely forgot or really didn't think I'd mind and have apologised after they knew, by which point family member had already left.

My relative was there and I spoke to her about how I was feeling. If it were me, and I saw a family member genuinely hurt by this, I'd have quickly phoned mum and said 'x is upset y is missing z's birthday. Do you want to leave her here and you can drop her off later so so she can do both?'

So, I suppose I'm not saying I'm hurt that nice went. Obviously it's great that she could have done that. I'm upset that the relative saw me so upset and, in my opinion, could have prioritised a birthday celebration over something that wasn't essential and easily could have happened later that day to preserve the relationship. It's a feeling of being let down. I know what people are saying: it's not really her place, BUT i cannot help feeling that more should have been done by her, rightly or wrongly.

It was something I did in the heat of the moment, after feeling unheard by the family member
They didn't need to "hear you"... it literally had nothing to do with them and your anger is completely misplaced. Blocking them is just petulant.

If it were me, and I saw a family member genuinely hurt by this
It wasn't you and tbh being genuinely hurt by this is just ridiculous. You need to toughen up for your kids sake. You are being so horrid to a family member who has done NOTHING wrong. Your issues are your own to deal with.

BUT i cannot help feeling that more should have been done by her, rightly or wrongly.
Wrongly. It literally had nothing to do with her.

SummerMadnessBegins · 23/05/2026 08:37

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a response to someone who has completely over-reacted and will not see basic reason.

aquitodavia · 23/05/2026 08:36

You do seem very disparaging of her parents - your brother/sister, or in laws? Perhaps they don't feel that close to you either, so didn't want to give up the chance of a few days break (probably rare) for one tea party?

Twooclockrock · 23/05/2026 08:35

Firstly, at that age they birthday child will probably bot even remember there was a party even if it was a huve affair. We geld a third birthday party for my son which was a huge joint party, themed with entertainers, fancy dress, hired a hall and bouncy castle.. he does not recall this ever happened.
You ca be a bit annoyed but you are being way over the top.
I suggest you apologise to your family member that you blocked and arrange a nice day out for you all to clear the air.

SALaw · 23/05/2026 08:34

JFC it was a bit of cake for 4, now 3, kids?!

Brucebogtrotter257 · 23/05/2026 08:27

Toys out of pram much!

Butchyrestingface · 23/05/2026 08:24

How did the party go, @Familygal1 ? Did your child have a nice time? Were they upset by cousin’s absence?

CaesarAugusta · 23/05/2026 08:11

My relative was there and I spoke to her about how I was feeling. If it were me, and I saw a family member genuinely hurt by this, I'd have quickly phoned mum and said 'x is upset y is missing z's birthday. Do you want to leave her here and you can drop her off later so so she can do both?'

Why didn't you call yourself to put that suggestion?

EasilyPleased · 23/05/2026 08:09

Ethelspagetti · 23/05/2026 07:52

I’m meaning the parent of the child not the relative who took them away. The parents would have had to agree to said relative taking their child away, instead of the party. I used to be nice and rise above things but now I do the same back. I don’t get emotional about it at all. If someone stops buying presents for my children, or leaves my child out of plans then I follow suit. There’s no problem as we’re all doing the same thing. If there is a problem on their end because they don’t like it, then I remind them that they did the same thing. I’m not sure why people think they have to accept bad behaviour from friends to keep them? It is possible to tell them you’re unhappy and still be friends.

Show quote history

No one is suggesting you accept bad behaviour from friends. This is just a pre-schooler’s family birthday tea that was supposed to have four children in attendance now having three, because of one of the children’s childcare arrangements making it not possible for them to attend. How or why this is the case is not the OP’s affair, and her massive overreaction suggests other issues, as does the fact that she wouldn’t invite other children from nursery because she ‘doesn’t want strangers in my house’.

deeahgwitch · 23/05/2026 08:08

Starzinsky · 22/05/2026 20:52

Have I understood this correctly. You were angry at the person watching your niece not the parent of the niece who made alternative plans for her.

That’s what I understood too.
Wrong person to get mad with.
I presume it’s OP’s mother.

chirrupybird · 23/05/2026 08:02

Sounds more like a family tea than a party. How old is the cousin that couldn't come? I expect that's what the Aunt thought just having a few of the family children around for a birthday tea, no big deal.

stillhiding1990 · 23/05/2026 07:59

Absolutely devastated? Just be thankful you have a healthy child to celebrate birthdays with! This post is utterly ridiculous- I’m sorry but you’re teaching your children that it’s ok to throw a temper tantrum
and swear and block people if they don’t conform to your plans.

stillhiding1990 · 23/05/2026 07:58

duplicate

stillhiding1990 · 23/05/2026 07:58

duplicate

stillhiding1990 · 23/05/2026 07:58

duplicate

Lovingapeacefulgarden · 23/05/2026 07:57

Goodness what an extreme reaction to one child not being able to attend your childs birthday party. Its an invite not a summons and whilst I would agree it wasnt nice of the parents I would have let it go. You chose to book a party after school to accommodate them they didnt ask you to (unless I missed that). I think you should focus on building relationships with people who have kids of similar age so thoae kids are invited instead. My children's cousins (outwith 1 who they are very close to) are not going to be invited to dc3 party nor were they invited to dc2 last year. There not friends and have nothing in common other than a blood link.

stillhiding1990 · 23/05/2026 07:56

It’s too much pressure on the guests if you only have 2 guests. I think you’re teaching your children how not to be a well rounded individual if you model this sort of petulant behaviour. Yes, it’s ok to express disappointment but then you need to demonstrate how this is trivial in grand scheme of things and adapt and overcome by coming up with plan B. Invite some neighbourhood kids, don’t be so selective and only invite 2 people if non attendance throws you off like this.

Boomer55 · 23/05/2026 07:55

Bit rude of them. Massive overreaction from you. It’s just a child’s party. 🤷‍♀️

Ethelspagetti · 23/05/2026 07:52

EasilyPleased · 23/05/2026 07:34

And this is why so many Mners have no friends.

As well as being insanely petty, this isn’t going to have the slightest impact. The person taking the child away, who has excited the OP’s fury, is not the child’s parent, and we have no idea if she has any children of her own, far less any who would be sad to miss a preschooler’s birthday tea.

Show quote history

I’m meaning the parent of the child not the relative who took them away. The parents would have had to agree to said relative taking their child away, instead of the party. I used to be nice and rise above things but now I do the same back. I don’t get emotional about it at all. If someone stops buying presents for my children, or leaves my child out of plans then I follow suit. There’s no problem as we’re all doing the same thing. If there is a problem on their end because they don’t like it, then I remind them that they did the same thing. I’m not sure why people think they have to accept bad behaviour from friends to keep them? It is possible to tell them you’re unhappy and still be friends.

mamajong · 23/05/2026 07:51

😱 yabu! This is someone you are close too and youve sworn at them.and blocked them?!

Is it annoying that they didn't come? Yes. Yanbu to have said you were disappointed but your reaction is completely disproportionate and OTT.

And imo taking the kids to someone else so they can have a break is ok, close or not you never fully know whats going on in someone's life and why they might need a break.

Get a grip,if you fall out with everyone over minor issues like this you'll be very lonely by the time your kids are grown

KitKatPitPat · 23/05/2026 07:44

I wonder if there’s more background to this, as in maybe you have felt that this relative dismisses your feelings or doesn’t prioritise your kids in the past?

I mean I agree completely that they all behaved badly, but your reaction to it is so strong that maybe it’s not just this one incident.

My parents didn’t come to my 3 year old’s family birthday celebration many years ago, because they prioritised doing something non-urgent for my sister instead - and on the one hand hey, not a big deal, their choice. But on the other hand and after a lifetime of them prioritising my sister over me, that was very much the last straw and while I haven’t had a strop or blocked them the relationship has never fully recovered.

So that made me wonder how the relationship was before this issue?

ShetlandishMum · 23/05/2026 07:39

Familygal1 · 23/05/2026 06:45

I just wanted to address something a couple of people have mentioned. It may have come across as mean towards nieces parents. I don't think they're shit parents or have any resentment etc. I appologise if it came across like this (I can see why) and that's my bad!

For context though, we parent very differently and have different attitudes towards it; I like routine etc. They take a much more relaxed approach to parenting and let kids go to bed when they want, don't really monitor what they are watching (has been an issue in the past when my child was watching inappropriate content at theirs) and even when they both at home and not working, they still rely on relative to take kids for childcare.

I guess my point with the comment I made was that she didn't need to go at that time, meaning party would be missed. It wasn't an emergency, no one was poorly, the car hadn't broken down, etc. It seemed like a very inconsiderate/ selfish move considering we're close family. I wouldn't dream of taking my kids out somewhere and missing one of my nieces/nephews parties when it was completely unavoidable.

Let it go...

TheBlueKoala · 23/05/2026 07:38

At that age your dc would care more about cake and gifts than who is there or not there. So the only one being devastated is you @Familygal1 . I would def have been angry about the lack of respect but to block and be devastated is a bit extreme. Just go lc and don't ever count on her again- she's selfish and lazy.

Ellie1015 · 23/05/2026 07:35

Parents accepted the invitation, then allowed neice to go away with relatives. They are the only ones you should be annoyed with. It isnt up to relative to recind offer to take neice away so she goes to party.

Really unfair to be taking your frustration out on relative.

EasilyPleased · 23/05/2026 07:34

Ethelspagetti · 23/05/2026 07:28

I learned that the best way to resolve these thing is simply to do the same thing back. When it’s her child’s birthday, don’t go. She will learn how it feels when her child’s asking where her cousin is.

And this is why so many Mners have no friends.

As well as being insanely petty, this isn’t going to have the slightest impact. The person taking the child away, who has excited the OP’s fury, is not the child’s parent, and we have no idea if she has any children of her own, far less any who would be sad to miss a preschooler’s birthday tea.