Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel the dilemma of where to spend Christmas this year?

30 replies

LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 14:33

My parents divorced years ago. This means I usually spend Christmas with my mum's side of the family one year and my dad the alternating year. He has had a couple of girlfriends over the years but he's currently single so in recent years spends the day alone when I'm not there.

Last year he ruined my Christmas Eve while I was away celebrating it with my mum's side. He blew up over the phone about the fact I forgot to send him a Christmas card (should say I also suspect my dad is undiagnosed autistic as he gets fixated on odd things) even though I bought him great presents and was due to see him on return. He still hasn't apologised but our relationship is fine again. He said he was glad we would be together this year for Christmas.

Now the spanner in the works - my mum's side wants to change the year we have Christmas together so that we can include my cousins families and their young children. This means we will go again this year to them, so two years in a row, to reset the year we see them. This will be great as Christmas is always better with the little ones and there's quite a lot of us! I have so far said I'll need to miss it as I said I'd be with my dad this year but I would rather be spending it with them. Given my dad doesn't cook though, I would rather go away somewhere so it doesn't all fall to me. At least with my mum's side we all muck in. That said my mum has asked me to think about it.

YABU - I should spend it with him this year
YANBU - I should tell my dad I'm spending Christmas with the other side but I'll see him when I get back

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
MyLimeGuide · 22/05/2026 17:44

Duvetdayneeded · 22/05/2026 16:30

What about your partners family?

Did she mention partner?

fantam · 22/05/2026 17:38

I know this is not helping, but I dislike Christmas with a passion for just the situations you mention OP.

WTF is it about a day in the middle of Winter that causes so much stress? It's one day. You can see your parents at separate times at any point during the year and let them do their own thing at Christmas. Break the mould (if that's what you'd like - Christmas in Italy anyone?). Just saying. I am sure once the decision is made people accept it and you meet for a special day/weekend at another time. That's what being an adult is all about!

This will be our fifth year spending Christmas away from home in Andalucia. The first year my siblings were aghast that I wouldn't enjoy the chaos and boredom of a full day in someone else's house. Now they ask what date we are going and how long for, and wish they could do the same!

Adults parents and siblings/relatives are less likely to have a hissy fit than you think! Try it....

WhatNoRaisins · 22/05/2026 17:29

One thing I've learnt when it comes to difficult people is that whatever you do it's never going to be enough to please them. That's not to say that you shouldn't try but I don't think you should try to the point that it makes you unhappy.

Original poster
LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 17:14

@Petronaslady I'm early 30s now. Too old to be bothered with BS. Good for you.

OP posts:
Petronaslady · 22/05/2026 17:12

My parents divorced when I was two and they've always been difficult about who I visit over Christmas and birthdays. It got so bad that when I turned 35 I told them I won't be visiting either anymore (on those days).

They're in their 70s now and I have kept my boundary firm. But each year without fail my mother makes a dig about it. I am not responsible for her happiness!

Original poster
LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 17:11

@yoshigizzit Exactly, I dream of buggering off to Italy one Christmas and just doing whatever I please.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 17:10

Empress13 · 22/05/2026 17:06

Your dad is an adult not a child. If he can’t be happy for you to spend Xmas with who you want then it’s a poor show. Anyway he may have met someone else by Xmas have you thought of that?

I agree. His behaviour last year was out of order. But outside of Christmas we are actually close. I almost properly fell out with him though.

He told me he recently he's done with dating for good! I was gutted really...I'm thinking great, so it really is just me now. He has a lot of friends but he doesn't spend holidays with them.

OP posts:
Empress13 · 22/05/2026 17:06

Your dad is an adult not a child. If he can’t be happy for you to spend Xmas with who you want then it’s a poor show. Anyway he may have met someone else by Xmas have you thought of that?

3luckystars · 22/05/2026 17:06

You can’t make him happy.

yoshigizzit · 22/05/2026 17:06

I empathise OP, no one talks about how difficult it is to have divorced parents as an adult.

We spend it with my mum every year as she’s on her own and my dad is remarried. I crave a Christmas to ourselves without guilt or pressure.

Original poster
LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 17:03

WhatNoRaisins · 22/05/2026 16:57

I think you should focus more on what would make you happy. Your dad sounds like a difficult character and even with the best will in the world these sorts can be hard to please. I'd only visit him if you get something out of it. In general I'm very wary of Christmas schedules like this, what if you want to go on holiday or spend it with a partner?

I think part of the motivation for this schedule change is that my aunt and uncle are getting older, they're at least 10+ years older than my dad. So we're all keen to spend as much time together as a group as we can.

You might be on to something regarding thinking about what makes me happy - the consequence of being a child of divorced parents is you end up thinking about how to keep both sides happy. It's not good for my nervous system!

OP posts:
ThePieceHall · 22/05/2026 17:03

Just do what pleases you. Adults are allowed to enjoy Christmas also. You are entitled to go where you choose. So much obligation, pressure and guilt makes for a miserable Christmas for you. You are not your father’s emotional support buddy, because he does not have a current female crutch.

shiningstar2 · 22/05/2026 17:02

There are two issues here.

  1. What is 'fair'
  2. What you would prefer to do.
It is a pity your dad ruined Christmas Eve last year. It seems you enjoyed the rest of the Christmas Break with DM and her f.amily as you would like to repeat the experience this year and I can understand that especially with the child relatives there ...always special at Christmas. However . . It is DMs side of the family who want to change the arrangements so it would seem 'fairer' for that side to skip a year to make the change. It does seem convenient for DMs side to change this when it means it gives a reason for you to change the usual a arrangements and the get to have you again next year which would please them and you. And you are fitting on with the cousin's arrangements which might change nearer the time.

Another however ...all this being said ...you don't have to go to your dad's if you don't want to. It is perfectly acceptable for you to spend Christmas where you will be happiest and make another arrangement with your dad. 💐

WhatNoRaisins · 22/05/2026 16:57

I think you should focus more on what would make you happy. Your dad sounds like a difficult character and even with the best will in the world these sorts can be hard to please. I'd only visit him if you get something out of it. In general I'm very wary of Christmas schedules like this, what if you want to go on holiday or spend it with a partner?

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/05/2026 16:50

Stay home. Less hassle.
Go to a nice hotel.
Stay with DH family.
Volunteer to work for a charity over Christmas.

Original poster
LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 16:50

The pressure to meet everyones demands is exhausting though. I admit that.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 16:49

YoBetty · 22/05/2026 16:47

Neither. Tell him you have been asked to spend Christmas with your cousins and their young children.

If the bad-tempered git had a go at you and ruined last Christmas Eve, he doesn't deserve your company this year.

I would be spending it with my cousins and their young children, plus my mum and aunt and uncle. We were out of sync due to my cousins arrangement with her husband's parents, but the reset is going to fix that.

I know people are saying to hell with him and I can do what I want - true, but my still don't want to badly harm the relationship by blowing him off this year.

OP posts:
YoBetty · 22/05/2026 16:47

Neither. Tell him you have been asked to spend Christmas with your cousins and their young children.

If the bad-tempered git had a go at you and ruined last Christmas Eve, he doesn't deserve your company this year.

WingBingo · 22/05/2026 16:46

As you’re an adult you get to do what you like.

DalmationalAnthem · 22/05/2026 16:44

Do what pleases you. Everyone involved is an adult who is free to cultivate their own friendships and make themselves be pleasant company. If they choose not to that's ok, and no one else's problem.

3luckystars · 22/05/2026 16:40

I would just stop spending Christmas with him. It’s only adding to your workload. Fuck that.

Original poster
LoisLaneKent · 22/05/2026 16:38

I should say I have some empathy for my dad being alone, of course I do. I think that empathy was somewhat dented when he ruined my Christmas eve due to being bitter about being alone last year.

my cousin has little kids and I'd really like to be with them all as we're close but the more I think about it the less likely I feel it's going to be possible or the 'nice' thing to do.

OP posts:
Twasasurprise · 22/05/2026 16:37

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/05/2026 16:35

I feel sorry for your Dad. Why not go to his the next 2 Christmas's and then re-set the schedule?

This is my thought too. He's not the one that's changing things, and if Autistic it sounds like it will be especially hard for him to deal with the change

DalmationalAnthem · 22/05/2026 16:36

I would opt out entirely and go on holiday or stay home and relax. I have zero tolerance for adults who tantrum, demand and manipulate people like your father does.

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/05/2026 16:35

I feel sorry for your Dad. Why not go to his the next 2 Christmas's and then re-set the schedule?

Swipe left for the next trending thread