AIBU to speak to grammar school about DS11's changing behaviour?

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy…”

(and possibly develop mental health issues)

Why would you 'set extra work' for him if he'd no homework?

That's OTT. And you sound way too strict.

And saying gaming devices are not permitted in our home makes you sound like you think they're the equivalent of hard drugs or something.

Does he have hobbies?

If you don’t want him gaming that’s fair enough but you have to make sure he has a way of socialising elsewhere (as this is how a lot of kids will socialise).

I have an 11 year old year 7. She does sports a couple of times a week, will ‘hang out’ with a friends a few times a week (go to each others houses, the park, the shop etc) and chill on other days. She’ll watch telly/ YouTube etc.

We let her do her homework whenever but will remind her through the week. That’s all though.

Hopefully ‘back-off! He’s doing great and deserves fun after school’.

Hes 11. Wtf are his responsibilities

Why cant he have some access to games?

@FlakyNavyScroller he is a child , leave him alone , life is not about a constant round of schoolwork / tutors / homework , he sounds perfectly normal to me . What exactly do you think the school are going to do ?

Are you his parent or his commanding officer in the military? When does he ever get to have fun or participate in all the activities that his peers are doing - sports, gaming? I can hardly wait to hear what the school says to you in a meeting.

I tend to agree that this is pretty dull for an 11 year old but what I think is missing is not gaming, but fun. Does he do sports (preferably non competitive!), read, play chess (also not competitive), go out on his bike, make Lego models, watch films, go to town with his friends for a hot chocolate or a film, have a pet, make stuff, play in the park or the woods, go to Scouts? Or is it all school, homework or tutor?

To put it bluntly, ‘you’re ruining his childhood’.

Carry-on and you’ll put him off learning all together. He’ll rebel!

I have two kids both in grammar, one selective and one super selective. They do the work set and revise for exams. Other than this, my son enjoys gaming (he’s year 12) and my daughter enjoys her theatre school (he’s year 10). They are happy, so we are happy. They get good/great grades at school even with owning every device under the sun.

Let your child be a child and he will do his best at school along the way.

Can you explain the problems you’re seeing with his behaviour, because from what you’ve written I’m not seeing anything. He’s a pre-teen child, not a mini adult.

So, which part of your post describes what it is that your 11 year old son is doing wrong? You want a meeting with school because your son is doing nothing wrong? Okaaaay.

Poor kid, too much. When does he get downtime? Seems like he is naturally pushing back on the intensity of academics, not school itself, nor is it their responsibility. If you don’t give him some space soon he will rebel completely.

Wow sounds miserable for him. Let him have a device just monitor how long hes on it. I wouldn't force my son to do his homework straight after school , just as long as he does it at some point before bed.

Your routine sounds far too rigid and joyless. Your DS is still a child but will soon be a teenager and he needs to be learning to manage his own study and leisure times. He needs to be allowed to make choices and to sometimes get things wrong. Of course we don't want our DC to make dangerous mistakes but you ought to give him some relaxation time and opportunities to build friendships. Discuss with him how much homework you all think is reasonable and when that will be done but his current behaviour is definitely not something his school need to be involved with.

Why does he need to do additional work daily after school? He's at a grammar school so presumably isn't behind academically so I can't imagine why this is needed?

He's been at school all day and at a grammar school that will mean he's spent 6 hours in a quite a highly academic challenging environment, why shouldn't he have a bit of down time after school?

If he was having daily tutoring it sounds like he was overly hothoused in order to secure the grammar school place.... Is he now struggling because of this?

Is his day longer since starting secondary school? It's likely to be more intense than primary school so planned downtime is important.

Also his hormones/growth will start to kick in plus he will be feeling more pressure to fit in to larger peer groups. I think the first 3 years of secondary are the most challenging as development at that stage is enormous. Your 15 year old son will look and speak very from differently from 11 or 12.

I think keeping some level of discipline is positive and too many parents are hands off but you need to accept that he is on his way to adulthood and it's important he starts to make some of his own decisions. Look over a week rather than day to day. Does he get enough sleep, socialise, exercise, have family time and of course focus on his studies. A good life provides opportunities for all of these.

How's his school reports looking?

Poor kid. He gets a day off from homework and you jump in to give him work instead? Support him to ensure required work is done then let him relax. He's only in year 7 and the work will ramp up over the next few years so he'll get his chance to work hard then.

My son is 16, in the middle of GCSEs. Even he takes an hour break after school to stare at his phone/play the piano/watch some nonsense on YouTube before revising for the next exam. He's predicated all 9s.

I'm not sure why you think school would get involved in DS's after school routine?

Wow! I certainly don't come home from and work and ...get straight to work. Why should an 11 year old be any different? He'll soon learn what routine works for him

I think it’s important that he has time to decompress after what is surely a more challenging school day than he had previously.
There’s nothing wrong with him having an hour or two before he starts working again - most adults would want it, so why shouldn’t a child.
And setting him extra work when he didn’t have homework is… a choice.

My brother went to a grammar school. It’s intense and hard work. Your son needs a bit of a break when he first gets home.

My brother and I would both game/watch tv for an hour when we got home from school to relax, then did our work, then did other hobbies.

If you don’t relax and loosen up a bit, your son will burn out and resent you.

Why mention that the school is Grammer? What's that got to do with this (non) issue?

I think you are putting too much pressure on him re setting him work to do if he does not have any hwk- I say this as a secondary school teacher. It will be relentless at school. The lad needs a break. Why does he have a tutor? Stick with him not having devices overnight, but apart from that you need to cut him some slack.

I get where you are coming from as I find myself having to constantly remind my 11yo son to take care of his responsibilities before switching on the TV or gaming.

It's normal though, isn't it? It's not a "problem" with your son. He wants to have more say in how he spends his time, as he develops independence. It's our job to work with them to achieve some kind of balance.

Why not let him have a snack and chill a bit after school, but insist that his chores/responsibilities get done before switching on the TV? If we don't do things in that order in our home, the chores never get done. (And by "chores" I mean simple things like emptying his bag and practising the instrument that he begged us to let him get lessons for - 5min practice is all we ask, so hardly onerous).

Also, connecting with friends through games is a huge part of kids' culture nowadays. That's not to say that they should be allowed unlimited access or to be able to talk to strangers, but connecting with friends in that way can be a really positive experience.

The best piece of advice I've heard so far about parenting a preteen/teen is that we as parents now need to shift into the role of co-manager with them, rather than manager.