AIBU to speak to grammar school about DS11's changing behaviour?

Why is him going to a grammar school relevant?

Edited to say: Damn, I asked that question in May!!

Really wish the OP had come back for an update. I wonder if she has now acknowledged the detriment she has caused her son.

Hope the lad prospers.

My oldest is yr 10 at a grammar school. Its a long, quite intense day. Once home, he does no hwk until after dinner. He will play on his switch or watch. It all still gets done and he has learned to manage his time. He is doing very well in all subjects.

Respectfully, lay off your poor son OP

Bonkers post. You should absolutely talk to the school. The teachers need a good laugh! Honestly you're setting this poor kid up for burnout and going NC with you as soon as he can.

Tutor every day after school?

Mine come.home, have a snack, 30mins of TV or gaming then onto homework. Then rest evening is sports or TV or gaming or hobbies

Are you running Stalag 17?

Are you kidding??

This is a lot of pressure for your son. I went to a grammar school. I did all my homework, but didn't have tutors or do any extra work. I also didn't necessarily do my homework straight away. He will be tired and may need to decompress a bit from his day.

Grammar schools teach bright children. They typically give a reasonable amount of homework, but most children will have plenty of time (at least in year 7-9) for other hobbies, be that sport, music, gaming.

Your son has presumably worked hard to get into the school. I would ease off now and not work him so hard, or he may burn out. He is starting to see how other families do things and is feeling hard done by. Go easy on him!

Your poor son. You sound controlling, verging on abusive.
You want your son to have an utterly joyless life and he has started to see that for himself, hence he is starting to (gently and passively) question the situation compared to his peers.
You are setting him up for mental health issues and a life of being a people pleaser.
Why isn’t he allowed a gaming device at his age?
I feel incredibly sorry for him being held back socially by you. What fun does he get to have?
What mental health/inner child issues do you have that you feel the need to control him so relentlessly?

All grind and no downtime at all makes for rebellion. Your dictatorship sounds extremely unpleasant for a child to live under. What's his reward, he gets to sleep when you deem he's done enough work?

Yes, please do contact the school with your concerns than an 11 year old would like to game and isn't grinding every waking moment.

Retired secondary teacher and headteacher here. Yes, a few parents tend to think school can and should solve their parenting problems!

I'm with everyone so far - give the poor kid a break!

Fucking hell, give that kid a break.

He’s obviously been talking to his friends at school, who don’t do half the shit you’re making your son do. And he’s rightly thinking: well, fuck this for a game of marbles.

Let him decompress and have some time to himself.

I used to get this sort of rubbish from parents, S/He has become awful since starting High School and it's the school's fault, what are you going to do about it?

My standard response was to point out that starting High School at 11 unfortunately coincides with puberty about which we the school could do nothing!

The OP will be horrified to know that in the 6th form, I went to the pub and clubbing with my friends, as you could then, and still got into Cambridge.

Because my parents trusted me, and had done since I started secondary school, re the need to do the homework and also relax and have a social life.

He's 11, does school all day, does a tutor and then extra work provided by his parents. He's suddenly realised that normal parents, even of presumably very bright kids, don't think their kids need to be working for longer than an adult work day all day, because they don't. Cut the tutor. If you don't want him gaming, help him to choose a couple of active clubs that he wants to do - marshal arts, sport, scouts etc. Give him a good amount of decompression time each night. play boardgames, work through craft activities, find other stuff he enjoys. Stop expecting your young kid to work harder than most adults!

I can see you want the best for your son and that having a good education and achieving well academically will set him up well for later life. I don’t know what your background is but speaking of my own childhood, my parents were immigrants to the UK and doing well at school was seen as the best way to have choices and financially security. Money was not flowing for us but ok. There were no tutors and no grammar schools but my siblings and I went to good unis and have professional careers.
But the thing is there is so much more that a child needs to learn to live a good life. What you describe sounds joyless and removes all choices for your DS. He just has to follow the routine with no bright spots in the day and no autonomy. Does he know how to have fun? How to relax? How to take care of himself in terms of physical and mental health? How to navigate friendships? Stand up for himself? How to be kind and empathetic etc? How is his self esteem? Is it based mainly on results and meeting your expectations? All these things are things I have struggled with and am still struggling. I’ve no doubt my parents did what they absolutely thought was best and that they loved us. And I have benefitted. But I wish I’d been supported in all these other ways. That’s what I’m trying to do with my DD now 12. It’s hard but I have to let her be her own person. I might be rambling here but I hope it might be helpful in some way.

My god OP CHILL OUT!!! The poor boy... he is doing nothing wrong it is all perfectly normal pre teen boy behaviour. Let him have some space to relax and be a kid. If you don't this could end very badly for you. They don't need structure and rules 24/7 and as for responsibilities 😂he is 11 years old.

This. Poor poor child. A full day at school, straight to tutoring and just no down time in between.
what a life.

Yes I agree with others. I see no challenging behaviour here.

Many 11yos have gaming consoles, he probably just wants to fit in with his new peers. I think that's fine, and can be regulated in terms of age-appropriateness and time spent playing. Watching TV is also fine.

Maybe discuss with him how to structure his evening; perhaps a time to relax on getting in from school (does he have a long commute? Secondary school is very full-on and tiring) with a snack and some play/TV followed by HW and then some TV/gaming time. You might find he is a bit more amenable then. Or could he take up sport or music lessons or something else away from schoolwork?

I don't think you need a meeting with school about any of this. It's for you to sort as a family.

As a side note, I'm a bit sad that you would give him extra work if no HW from primary school. And after an hour's tutoring as well? Really there was no need.

Why is it being a grammar school relevant?

I guess it points to a certain expectation on op’s part, with emphasis on academics. If he needed tutoring to secure the place maybe it was not the best school for him especially if that is ongoing and he resents it.

You're not going to get any support for your tiger parenting ways on mumsnet! If you want support from like minded individuals you could try an expats in britain facebook group.

What are you hoping to achieve? What's your end goal? Is there any consideration to your son enjoying his childhood/youth or are you purely focused on academic achievement?

It's sounds like he went to tutoring every day and then homework? That's crazy.
My daughter has 11+ tutoring once a week for 2 hours, no chance I am asking her to do anything after school plus 2 hours tutoring other than have dinner, shower and bed.
Her school homework takes her 30 mins per week, plus we do a couple 30 mins 11+ homework, and even then I think I'm possibly pushing her too much and need to step it down - after all, they are children, not mini adults.

Is he being rude to you? Not completing his school homework? Not getting himself to school on time? Getting detentions? I can't see any issues with what you have said so I guess there must be something much more to this?

You sound like my MIL. DH has nothing to do with her any more.

Let the kid breathe, fgs.

You sound really scary tbh. He’s only 11, passed the 11+ and got into a grammar school but you’re still demanding he sees a tutor and you set extra work if school haven’t! I dread to think what you’ll be like when he reaches year 10… Poor kid, give him a break and let him watch some YouTube.