AIBU to just let my DD crack on?

Try a compromise first, maybe say the things that affect her only, her hygiene, her room etc, do those when she wants, but the things she should do as part of the family, such as emptying the bin, are non-negotiable

No, you know at 11 just letting her do whatever she wants knowing that it will implode on her is a terrible idea. This is not likely to give her a wake up call, it will just make everything more overwhelming for her and then make it harder to get out of the cycle once that has happened. It is unlikely that she will ask for help. She will just

OTOH I understand the current situation can't continue. You need some kind of shift. Certainly some of the things in your list can be let go (wear what you want?) or some of the things you could take over, short term (emptying bins?) in the spirit of lowering demand/reducing conflict.

Something I've found really helpful in parenting is the idea of division of responsibility. We cannot control the actions of another person, and even though conventional parenting wisdom seems to suggest that we ought to be able to control our children, it's true even for children. All we can realistically control is the environment, what they have access to, and then our response to their behaviour.

DoR usually applies to eating - with the focus being that we can provide regular, healthy/balanced meals (control environment) but children will choose how much and whether they want to eat, and most of the time this works because humans have an instinctive drive to eat so even if they have a few mealtimes where they don't eat very much, for the vast majority of children they will balance out and not starve themselves.

I think you can apply this to various things, and it definitely helps take the pressure off you.

However it can fall down a bit when ND is involved because to go back to the feeding example, children may have severe sensory issues around food. In this case it would be a cue to seek professional support. When that's happening around multiple issues, then it's trickier especially in the UK where waiting lists can be so long that by the time you ever get to see anybody the problems have all exacerbated each other and become tangled up. Because you have multiple issues happening and generally high levels of conflict, I would probably say it's worth pushing to see whether any referrals can be made in this direction.

Have you come across the Ross Greene collaborative problem solving approach before? It's in The Explosive Child which is the most famous/well known of his books so you might have read this, but there is another book called Raising Human Beings which also explains the same approach without the focus on explosive behaviour. It's essentially a format where you list all the things you're currently fighting about, as you've done, and then triage and drop the demand on basically all of them temporarily, and then for the highest priority most urgent unsolved problem, you explore with DD at a completely unrelated, calmer moment, what's getting in the way of that unsolved problem, which is usually different to what you originally assumed.

This is only a very brief summary but I don't have time to explain more, I can probably come back tomorrow. I don't think it will solve everything, but it might be worth looking at as an approach.

You might also want to report the thread and ask it to be moved to the SN board so you don't get lots of replies insisting you need to make the house into a military discipline camp.

Sorry you're having a difficult time with her OP.

I say this gently, but this does sound like typical preteen/teen behaviour that's developmentally normal. Your list sounds pretty extensive there, you need to remain on top of the important ones and hand her control of the rest. So for me I'd remain firm on school work, Internet access/screens and personal hygiene and let her decide on the rest with the condition she is respectful of others and your home.

Could you access some therapy for yourself? It sounds like you have perfectionist tendencies you're forcing on to your daughter.

The thing is if you do let go of all the things on your list, it won't necessarily make the arguing stop! But I wonder if you could let some go and not others. It's a difficult age I think, my DD is 11 and had loads of tears this morning about what to wear to school 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think sometimes they lean more grown up at this age and the next day they're still a little kid.

Sorry I don’t understand your post.

It's not clear what the specific issues / examples are? What "poor choices" does she make. You really do have to pick your battles, for example, basic hygiene, studying, keeping room in a hygienic state. if she wants to stop piano, fine why would you argue with that?
Sending her to psychologist over friendship group worries seems massively OTT. i think you might need to look at your own anxiety and expectations.

Normal teenage behaviour is not morning an 11 year old

This sounds incredibly hard OP. A stage of parenting I haven’t yet reached so I can’t talk from that side of the experience, but if I were to have any thoughts it would be that to follow through with what you have written in your journal would not give your daughter much emotional containment. Showing her that there are safe boundaries and consequences and behaviours that aren’t acceptable might give her a sense that somebody is in charge and has responsibility for her which ultimately will make her feel safe and held and lead to better wellbeing in the future. Those are my thoughts based on my own experience as a teen but of course I don’t know the details of your setup so do take it with a pinch of salt! X

What specifically is she doing or not doing that’s causing the issues?

I do think some adults have insanely high expectations of behaviour for children and teenagers and forget they are children not tiny adults.

Agree she sounds pretty typical. Maybe you should see a psychologist yourself if you're finding it hard to cope?

She sounds like a totally normal pre teen girl undergoing hormonal changes. Maybe your work is making you over analyse her

I don't think you can follow your list to the letter (unlimited access to screens, school, and basic hygiene are non negotiables and there do need to be some restrictions around food unless she can be trusted to eat a broadly balanced diet herself). But I'd look at areas you can give her more control over to limit friction.

Would it be the end of the world if she gave up piano? Or sat out of some family outings? Or if her room was largely clean but untidy. Try picking your battles and see if it makes life any easier for you all, at least in the short term

Whats the hygiene thing? I have an 11 year old. Its a tricky age its not every day. I do stress to him that he must shower on an evening as he is getting older and people can be cruel and he doesnt want to smell.

Is the piano an extra lesson?

if you have suspicions of ND have you considered she might have PDA profile? If so you need to change your approach with her and see how she responds.

This sounds like very normal teenage girl behaviour to me and very typical. At this age they’re contending with hormones that do affect how they feel and react as well as their age and mixing with other kids the same age at school meaning that they want to test boundaries.

It’s a difficult age but you don’t describe anything that would raise red flags for me if this were my own daughter.

I think pick your battles wisely and you may find life a bit more peaceful.

If she is seeing a psychologist next week OP do you get the opportunity to discuss what is going on with the psychologist.? Will it be an opportunity for you to get any help and guidance as to how to handle your DD's behaviour?