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AIBU?

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Original poster

Urgent help needed please

135 replies

WingingItSince1973 · 22/05/2026 08:37

I'll try and be brief but I do have older posts on here if anyone needs background. So my daughter has a 10 year son who has been through so much in his short life. Abusive dad and then abusive step dad. Been hell. She got with another man two years ago. He had been in prison for domestic violence and the judge even said he was a dangerous man. She tried to reassure me he wasn't like that and it was a mistake. They got a private rent house together and he was now I see love bombing her and gs being the amazing partner and ,'stepfather'. My dgs had only just settled in school after years of school anxiety (he was on child protection from age 8 months to 2 years old because of his dad and we were asked to be his kin ship carer) My daughter seemed really settled, good well paying job etc. She had a baby 9 weeks ago and from a few weeks after the birth he has started being abusive. Refusing to help with baby, calling her the worst names possible in text and shouting them to her face. My dgs also told me he's been so scared in his house due to this man shouting at my DD even with the baby near her. So he was meant to leave today and it's all kicked off. My dgs has been staying with me because he's too scared to be in the house with her partner. My DD called me in the week sobbing because he'd kicked off and she couldn't take it anymore. So my dgs refused to go home this morning to get changed for school. He's had a few days off sick. He's also being bullied at school and is so anxious. I asked my DD if the partner was there and she said no but the way she was texting me I felt like she was lying. My dgs went home (it's a two min walk I can see her house from here) and the partner was there and immediately started on dgs so he ran back to mine. The partner was meant to be moving out today but he apologised to my DD and dgs on Wednesday which I saw coming and I don't think he is actually leaving today. My DD keeps messaging me that I need to send him home but he's refusing and now shes phoning me playing everything down and saying she hates me and will never confide in me again. It's been a very strained relationship since dgs was born and shes made some stupid decisions which has been negative to my dgs. I'm being made out now that I'm spoiling dgs. She's demanding him home that hes a child and needs to do what he's told. I'm doubting myself. Please pleas help

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 26/05/2026 14:12

You are doing the right thing OP. You know your dgs and you know the background history. I am sorry your DH is not being supportive but you are right to be concerned

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 26/05/2026 13:27

Uricon2 · 26/05/2026 13:10

@WingingItSince1973

She did say that because dd has chosen to take him back then she didn't think they could do anything. That really isn't the case.

I honestly think that you need to continue talking to police, social services and the health visitor about your concerns and what your DGS has told you and let them investigate his background and the current situation. I'd never heard of that database but it is flagged as a potentially problematic vigilante site and such places contain a lot of wrong information, for all sorts of reasons.

I've asked for it to be removed. I was just shocked when I saw it.

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 26/05/2026 13:10

@WingingItSince1973

She did say that because dd has chosen to take him back then she didn't think they could do anything. That really isn't the case.

I honestly think that you need to continue talking to police, social services and the health visitor about your concerns and what your DGS has told you and let them investigate his background and the current situation. I'd never heard of that database but it is flagged as a potentially problematic vigilante site and such places contain a lot of wrong information, for all sorts of reasons.

WingingItSince1973 · 26/05/2026 12:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 26/05/2026 12:35

Spoke to social services. Well a call handler I guess. She said she'll refer it to the MASH team and they will see if needs a social worker. She did say that because dd has chosen to take him back then she didn't think they could do anything. I said the kids haven't chosen him. I said the kids haven't chosen him, do we need to keeping learning lessons?! So I really don't know. As of now it's happy families with DD and the partner and they will be pulled into a false sense of security with him and his family. I looked his name up again online and saw an article his pic in os along with others and it was listed under sex offenders??? I've never seen this before. It does say that he's sexually assaulted anyone and relays the court information so I'm wondering why is he on there? I will post a pic of the webpage just to ask anyone if I should be more worried.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 26/05/2026 10:38

Ring Social Services again. You were told they would ring you and they didn't.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/05/2026 10:32

WingingItSince1973 · 26/05/2026 10:26

So this morning after reading the abusive messages from my DD last night my husband has said I should drop it as he doesn't think the partner has done anything to warrant me phoning the police or social services. I feel like I'm going mental.

Your husband is not being realistic or helpful here.
Of course you need to protect your DGC.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 26/05/2026 10:26

So this morning after reading the abusive messages from my DD last night my husband has said I should drop it as he doesn't think the partner has done anything to warrant me phoning the police or social services. I feel like I'm going mental.

OP posts:
serene12 · 25/05/2026 20:56

Your poor dgs, at such a young age he's having to "walk on eggshells" and he'll be hyper vigilant.
Hopefully you'll get to speak to social work and possibly the health visitor tomorrow morning.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 25/05/2026 19:49

Haven't heard anything from SS. My heart is broken. I need to see if my dgs is ok. I could go over tomorrow when I know he's at work. I will chase ss up first thing. My DD has blocked me on WhatsApp but she's reading messages on Facebook and watching my stories. I totally know she could be in a very delicate situation or she's been brainwashed that I'm the enemy. Either way I need to see my dgs. I live with my DH and youngest adult DD. My DH and I have been married for over 29 years and he is the kindest most gentle man ever and with myself have given our girls what we hoped was the best life we could possible give. We also have a fabulous large family on my DH side and my dgs has cousins and uncles and aunties that absolutely adore him. My dgs will be trying to keep things calm now and do what he can.to.keep the peace for his mum. Even if that means not contacting us. So yes I have a good supportive family and friends x

OP posts:
Liznug · 25/05/2026 16:07

Have you spoken with SS? Did they call back?

What support do you have? Do you have a partner?

CodeAmber · 25/05/2026 15:11

You’ve done the right thing. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to be a mother, what the hell is she thinking?! Those children are trapped in an abusive home because she’s so desperate for a “man” she’ll accept the dregs.

People like them shouldn’t be allowed to have children.

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/05/2026 15:09

You have 100% done the right thing. Can I add that the NSPCC are also amazingly supportive and helpful in situations like this.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 25/05/2026 14:27

100% you've done the right thing OP.

Hollowvoice · 25/05/2026 13:26

You have absolutely done the right thing and I hope in time your daughter will see that too

serene12 · 25/05/2026 12:56

You've done exactly the right thing, which is to prioritise your grand children's welfare and wellbeing.
Hopefully somebody will be able to garner your DGS views and listen to him.
I hope that social work will act robustly to protect your grandchildren, also to support your daughter to break the cycle of abusive relationships.

Uricon2 · 25/05/2026 12:53

You are doing the right thing by your DGC and at the moment that's the important thing. They are safer with this being out in public and with the right authorities involved than waiting for the next blow up by your DDS partner and noone knowing.

It's well known that domestic abuse of all kinds often starts with a pregnancy/birth. Your DD has a history of chaotic behaviour/relationships and when this one ends, as the others have, it would be the time to encourage her to get therapy/help to break the cycle she's engaged in. In the meantime carry on doing what you are, because it is right. Sadly some children are stuck in these situations without the protection and care of loving relatives. I sincerely wish you all the best.

Agapornis · 25/05/2026 12:47

Abuse starting after a birth is a known problem. Remember none of this is your fault. You're acting in the kids' best interest when no one else is.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 25/05/2026 12:26

Thank you for all you're replies. I've contacted social services today and the lady has put my name for a call back from a social worker within the hour. I'm in such torment because my daughter was so happy when she had the baby and seemed to be finally in a good place and as I said he only started acting out two weeks after she was born. Up until then he couldn't do enough for her. I hope I haven't made a mistake. This will end our relationship and I doubt I'll see my granddaughter but I'm so worried for my dgs. Please someone reassure me.

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 25/05/2026 10:43

You need to talk to Social Services yourself @WingingItSince1973 , as a priority. There will be an emergency duty worker available today and it will be back to normal from tomorrow.

Can I suggest that you make some notes about your concerns (past and present, although there will be a record of their previous involvement) and you need to stress what your DGS has said about his aggression. It's easy during a phone call like that to forget even important things and having a bit of a timeline to refer to can be helpful.

At the moment your DD is not bothered about her relationship with you and you know is not prioritising her children. She has choices (and is making poor ones) but they do not. She has allowed an unsafe man into their lives and one saving grace is that someone who has been imprisoned for DV will be considered clearly such. He can't deny the massive red flags that all the authorities will see.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 24/05/2026 21:41

*DD instead of dgs

OP posts:
Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 24/05/2026 21:37

Just spoken to a lovely officer she said they will look into it and she would be very surprised if they told her. To be honest I'm surprised the neighbours havent phoned them as he was banging and shouting in the front garden last week when she locked him out as she was scared. She's gone into defensive mode against me again. I think I've had deleted the previous posts from a few years ago when she disappeared for 4 months and left the dgs with us. She was taking cocaine alot and other drugs and then she came back and had dgs back, got a good job but then ended up with a new partner who was a drug dealer. She stayed with him for two years in which my dgs would scream and beg me not to take him home because he was scared. She split with him 2 years ago and immediately got with this now partner who is a gangster wannabe and very aggressive when he talks but also love bombed her so much so she had a baby. They both did recreational drugs until she was trying to conceive. My dgs heard him tell her he didn't want me involved with the new baby and his family especially his mum have all banded around my dgs and I think she enjoys their attention. I will phone social services but I'm so worried about our safety and he's from a very volatile family who all stood by him when he was sent to prison. Sorry I'm rambling. The police will let me know what the outcome of my complaint is and she said I can call them back anytime. I can't visibly keep eye on them now but am so so worried for my dgs as he's so sensitive and adores his mum.

OP posts:
Hassell · 24/05/2026 21:30

WingingItSince1973 · 24/05/2026 21:26

I'm waiting on a call back from the police. What I think has happened is they have been round to see her and her and the partner have told them there's no problem and they have just guessed it was me as all through the week my DD and myself have said that we will call the police if he refuses to leave and becomes aggressive. The way she's talking to me now is that I've done something terribly wrong. I saw this coming. When I say he's 100% text book

So you have not spoke to the police but rather all this has come from your daughter?

Besidemyselfwithworry · 24/05/2026 21:27

CryptoFascist · 22/05/2026 08:40

You need to report this urgently as a safeguarding concern. Both those children are at serious risk of harm.

This
phone the police now for further advice
this sounds horrific

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 24/05/2026 21:26

I'm waiting on a call back from the police. What I think has happened is they have been round to see her and her and the partner have told them there's no problem and they have just guessed it was me as all through the week my DD and myself have said that we will call the police if he refuses to leave and becomes aggressive. The way she's talking to me now is that I've done something terribly wrong. I saw this coming. When I say he's 100% text book

OP posts:
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