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Original poster

Urgent help needed please

135 replies

WingingItSince1973 · 22/05/2026 08:37

I'll try and be brief but I do have older posts on here if anyone needs background. So my daughter has a 10 year son who has been through so much in his short life. Abusive dad and then abusive step dad. Been hell. She got with another man two years ago. He had been in prison for domestic violence and the judge even said he was a dangerous man. She tried to reassure me he wasn't like that and it was a mistake. They got a private rent house together and he was now I see love bombing her and gs being the amazing partner and ,'stepfather'. My dgs had only just settled in school after years of school anxiety (he was on child protection from age 8 months to 2 years old because of his dad and we were asked to be his kin ship carer) My daughter seemed really settled, good well paying job etc. She had a baby 9 weeks ago and from a few weeks after the birth he has started being abusive. Refusing to help with baby, calling her the worst names possible in text and shouting them to her face. My dgs also told me he's been so scared in his house due to this man shouting at my DD even with the baby near her. So he was meant to leave today and it's all kicked off. My dgs has been staying with me because he's too scared to be in the house with her partner. My DD called me in the week sobbing because he'd kicked off and she couldn't take it anymore. So my dgs refused to go home this morning to get changed for school. He's had a few days off sick. He's also being bullied at school and is so anxious. I asked my DD if the partner was there and she said no but the way she was texting me I felt like she was lying. My dgs went home (it's a two min walk I can see her house from here) and the partner was there and immediately started on dgs so he ran back to mine. The partner was meant to be moving out today but he apologised to my DD and dgs on Wednesday which I saw coming and I don't think he is actually leaving today. My DD keeps messaging me that I need to send him home but he's refusing and now shes phoning me playing everything down and saying she hates me and will never confide in me again. It's been a very strained relationship since dgs was born and shes made some stupid decisions which has been negative to my dgs. I'm being made out now that I'm spoiling dgs. She's demanding him home that hes a child and needs to do what he's told. I'm doubting myself. Please pleas help

OP posts:
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Whyherewego · 20/06/2026 07:54

Oh OP. I am so sorry. Your heart must be broken.
We have to hope the authorities are looking into this properly and that somehow they will see beyond the veneer and your dgs will ultimately be safer as a result of your actions.
I am sorry it's turned out this way for now. Long term though you will be sure you did the right thing

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 19/06/2026 22:01

Hello. Thank you to all that replied to this post. As it stands I'm still not able to see dgs. Neither are any of my DH side of the family. I'm NC with my mother as she's an abusive person and I finally took a stand against her two years ago. I never made or asked my dds to take sides as they are adults and I didn't think it was fair. As it is my mother has embroiled herself into my dds life (despite her always running her down and calling her degrading names). Which now means I have trouble from her and my DD has support for her decisions. This is my mother that always said my dgs would be better off with me and away from my dgs. She also knows my DD is with an.abusive man but as my mother absolutely loves drama she doesn't let an issue like that get to her! My DH has had an abusive text from the partner of my DD threatening us with court action and injunctions!! My dgs doesn't read my WhatsApp messages to him anymore. So I'm really up against a wall. I'm going to seek legal help but I fear my dgs will be listening to what's being said about us and being turned against us. This is my dgs that would scream every time we used to take him home as he didn't feel safe and then again last month ran to our house not feeling safe. I absolutely hate the partner but he has won hasn't he? Still heartbroken but trying to carry on. Please reassure me I did the right thing even though now we are ostracized from him and the new baby. I should have just tried to deal with it myself and I would still have them x

OP posts:
CodeAmber · 10/06/2026 19:49

anomymetoo · 10/06/2026 17:41

Sending love, ❤you absolutely did the right thing. Your dgs knows you care, and I doubt this will last x

This. You did completely the right thing OP, and hopefully one day your grandchildren at least will understand and see you as safe harbour. Your daughter is an absolute disgrace.

anomymetoo · 10/06/2026 17:41

Sending love, ❤you absolutely did the right thing. Your dgs knows you care, and I doubt this will last x

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 10/06/2026 16:51

Thank you so much for replying. I'm really hoping I did but I'm being made out to be some sort of malicious mother. It's really hard because i know at the time we were so worried about them and the partner is so controlling. I miss them I really do xxx

OP posts:
WellThatIsABitMad · 10/06/2026 16:42

i don’t think from what you’ve written that them playing happy families will last very long. We don’t know how it will end, but from their past history the wheels will come off again and you’ll be there to pick up the pieces. You’re in a sort of limbo where nothing has changed, things seem worse but it won’t last. Stay strong, I think you have done the correct thing because in the future if the police are called or the school involve social care due to something your dgs says, they will have a full picture. Doing the right thing doesn’t necessarily feel 100% right, at the time, but you DID do the right thing.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 10/06/2026 16:36

I don't feel very strong today. They've all doubled down on us not seeing dgs. I wish I never involved any authorities now as it didn't help my daughter and just made the relationship stronger. It didn't help my dgs it just cut us off from him. And I'm not seeing my baby dgd growing up. It's a horrible price to pay and I'm struggling to cope. They are all happy families now. Even my cousin waded in to send me horrible messages about how my actions have caused upset to my DD and that I'm mental and need help. I shouldn't have rushed in to help them. I've lost everything

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 08/06/2026 14:31

What an awful situation, you’ve been so strong OP.

I think, sadly, things will eventually revert to how they were before. As SS are involved hopefully they’ll pick things up quickly. All you can do is wait in the background and be there for your DGS when he needs you.

It’s so hard though 💐

WellThatIsABitMad · 07/06/2026 21:46

If they have been allocated a social worker then that’s a good thing, the school will be involved and I would hope that your grandson will be spoken to alone by the social worker or he may confide in someone he trusts at school. I think it’s only a matter of time before the full truth is out and taken seriously. If you are not happy, you can report as many times as you need to social care.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 07/06/2026 20:57

Hi. It's all awful. Social services has appointed a support worker to them. Everyone I've spoken to agrees its an awful situation. I've spoken to health visitor as I know her when she was my dgs health visitor and was at the child protection conferences. My DH emailed the school and they phoned twice to say they are keeping an eye on my dgs but because we don't have parental rights they can't do anything but monitor. They said they do check in with dgs anyway each day but knowing him he will say he's ok. They've doubled down on us not seeing him. We've had awful messages and my DD messaged DH on Friday to say she's seen a solicitor. She's monitoring his messages between dgs and us. Also my mother who I have no contact with has taken my DD under her wing (they live 3 doors away from each other) and is revelling in it all encouraging my DD to keep away from me, which has meant ive had vicious messages from a cousin saying that what an awful, messed up person I am to do this to a post partum mother. They all know the partners history of abuse but they are the type of family who like all the drama. My dgs turns 11 this month and I'm hoping he is coping ok. As I've said before we have practically bought him up. When my DD disappeared, did drugs, didn't want him around for weeks at a time. She's now acting like she's the best mother in the world. I just have to let things take its course sadly as seems I can't do much more.

OP posts:
Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 05/06/2026 09:30

@WingingItSince1973 how are things? 💐

serene12 · 02/06/2026 17:13

Hope you're managed to have contact, with the professionals dealing with your grandchildren.

IndigoBluey · 28/05/2026 01:00

@Uricon2 I have no experience in this area but it seems really shocking that there has been no action taken. Especially because OP dsg was removed from OP dd, albeit a few years ago. I hope she gets an opportunity to speak to the HV very soon, although the SS and other support OP has sought so far seems blasé.

@WingingItSince1973 I really feel for you. You have taken all of the right steps and seem to be being let down by the system again.

Uricon2 · 27/05/2026 18:47

IndigoBluey · 27/05/2026 18:12

SS and HV seem to be taking their time?

Social Services etc don't go steaming in unless there is an immediate threat. They may need chasing up, but the likelihood is that they are forming as full a picture as they can before doing anything.

As far as I can tell @WingingItSince1973 hasn't spoken to the HV yet.

IndigoBluey · 27/05/2026 18:12

SS and HV seem to be taking their time?

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 27/05/2026 16:34

I must have been wrong about the blocking. It was him I spoke to him. He said they were all asleep as it was 630am

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 27/05/2026 16:09

How did your grandson message you if they’ve blocked your number on his phone?
I’d be worried it was someone else.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 27/05/2026 14:46

It did sound like he was trying to not say anything. I haven't heard from.HV yet. Shall I chase social services. They will think I'm just an interfering nan and they have most likely said I have mental health problems, which is absolutely not the case. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't go back to school until Monday x

OP posts:
serene12 · 27/05/2026 14:37

This must be so difficult for you, but how you are trying to protect your grandchildren is 100%.
But you need the professionals to listen and to protect the children.
There are so many significant factors, such as domestic abuse, substance abuse, criminality etc. which impacts on the children's welfare. The professionals will see you as a protective factor particularly for your DGS.
In my experience, sadly it's not unusual for parents to groom and coach children about what to say to professionals. They will often scare them, by saying that they will be put into a children's home. It's vital that children's voices are heard, listened to and ascertaining their views from an advocacy worker. It's sometimes a good idea to suggest that they phone Childline.
Have you managed to speak to the health visitor yet?
The professionals will use the evidence that they have, I.e. criminal records, health records and information from education. An injunction cannot be granted without evidence.

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 27/05/2026 14:11

The messages were mainly my daughter. I told my dgs that I had called someone for advice. I said it in a very delicate way. With her ex partner he used to tell my dgs that I don't want him at my house if he's naughty or doesn't clean his room properly. He made my dgs so anxious that I didn't want him.here so yes I am telling him very basic things so that he doesn't worry. What I'm typing on here is the very basic information. There's a 10 year history of my dgs being involved with her abusive partners. He still talks about the previous partner and how bad things were. So yes I'm reassuring my dgs that I am doing what I can to protect him.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 27/05/2026 14:04

Have you considered that the texts you got may have been sent by shit partner rather than your DD? He may have deleted the sent message and then blocked you, so your daughter might not be aware.

I don't think you should have told your DGS that you called SS!

Original poster
WingingItSince1973 · 27/05/2026 13:08

Hi. I'm reading every comment and I'm so so grateful for your kindness. So at 630 am my dgs phoned me. He said he was absolutely fine and everyone at the house was happy. He asked if he could come over today and I had to explain to him in a not too frightening way that I don't think he will be allowed because of what happened last week I had to phone some people and it's made his mum and partner very cross with me. I asked him if he had heard anything and he said he hadn't. But he took it all quite calmly so I'm really surprised that he wouldn't know. He certainly knew that his mum discovered him messaging young women just after the baby was born and the arguing that happened because of it. I've told him that he's welcome to come here at any time and don't worry about what his mum would say. I also said that if he finds he can't message me or phone then to cally DH or my DD (his aunty)

As regards cocaine usage. They were using most weekends which makes sense to the way the partner talks and to his aggressive, paranoid demeanor. My DD was a cocaine user before he came along. When she house shared with a lovely girl and my dgs the girl ended up moving out because my DD was constantly doing it in the house. My dgs didn't want to live there either. I really feel I've been too blasé.

I also now know that my DD had decided to stay with him on Wednesday last week so she was just playing along letting dgs come here and then picking him up from school on Friday and taking him home and obviously convincing him he's safe to stay.

I can't see the authorities doing anything. Obviously they don't think it's urgent as dgs is still there. Last time they removed him from my DD and gave him straight to me. But he was a baby then. Does anyone know what I should do now. Or just wait and see. I feel a lot better today now that dgs has phoned me and we've chatted. I do think him phoning that early when they were all asleep tells me that he knows what's going on as he knows that is super early for me. I'm gutted I fell for her lies again but I also know she has this man and his family supporting her.

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 27/05/2026 12:30

There are some great posts above @WingingItSince1973 . Your DD has had significant Social Services involvement in the past due to an abusive partner and this one has been to prison for DV. There is also a very tiny baby involved. It doesn't matter how 'charming' he is to the authorites, these are hard facts and while of course they don't always get it right, all you can do is trust the process, talk to DGS school and the HV and importantly take care of yourself.

*Even talking to him normally his voice is raised and he speaks so fast and ignores anything you say." That and the extreme confidence makes me think he's using cocaine, could be wrong of course , but it is something the professionals involved should be able to spot.

UnZenXennial · 27/05/2026 01:26

I've only just found your thread @WingingItSince1973, but I just wanted to agree with @TheSandgroper that you need to trust the process.

You have done all the right things. You've made your moves, and I know it must be agony watching the fall out while you wait for the Police and Social Services to make theirs, but not as agonising as it would be if this horror of a man hurts your DGS and you hadn't tried to stop it.

You're doing everything a decent Mother (and Grandmother) should do, and your DD will eventually realise you are simply trying to keep her and your DGC safe.

TheSandgroper · 27/05/2026 00:44

It’s the middle of the night. You are tired and distressed. You are being treated as a punching bag and unfortunately, your imagination doesn’t need to work hard to wonder what’s happening in that house.

She says she’ll going to get an injunction against you and you are sure it’s coming from him. Well, you know he doesn’t get off his arse to help himself do anything. And it will cost money. Do you think he will spend that money?

Your poor daughter drops her son off when it suits her. Do you think she will give up that luxury for ever?

It’s quite possible that someone in the house is having a temper tantrum. You have to hang in there. Right now, you have to trust the process. Have a couple of days off from contacting her. Allow tempers to settle.

Tomorrow is always a new day. This isn’t a sprint you are part of, it’s a marathon. It’s full of hurdles, obstacles, swerves and swamps. Take it slowly. Hang onto the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. Right now, have a cocoa and go to bed. You need your sleep. Mumsnet will be here in the morning.