To wish I’d never had children

I do feel your pain but there’s no point wishing you can go back and change things when you can’t - this attitude makes life so much more difficult.

You have to change your mind set.
Your DCs aren’t going to magically become different kids but it makes a massive difference to how you view your life.

You can’t do anything about it, they’re there and not going anywhere.
You need to focus on their positives and a way to manage.

I think you and your DH need a life outside of your kids.
You could get some mum friends going through the same thing but it might be better to have a hobby that doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Even just 1 evening a week each can make a big difference.

I had a baby as a teen. I was a single parent with no support from the dad or my family.
I have often wished I didn’t have my baby as it was so difficult and my friends were out enjoying themselves and I was struggling with PND, stretch marks, dirty nappies and no sleep.
I think it’s fine to sometimes wish you had a different life but dwelling on it doesn’t help.
At the end of the day, having my child was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Other people might have easier children but it sounds as if you and your partner are both good people and on the same page . You are doing the right thing and you love and are loved . In time that will mean something even if it seems tough now

I’m so sorry to hear this. Kids are hard work, extremely hard work. They can take every ounce of you & you still show up. It’s ALOT. I don’t have much advice to give you, other than unless someone has walked a mile in your shoes, not even a similar situation, IN YOUR SHOES, do not let anyone judge you. It takes guts to admit you’re struggling! I hope brighter days are ahead for you.

Education and services make it unnecessarily harder. Everything is a fight, then you need to remind them, then they withdraw the support and gaslight you, you are accused of it all being your fault and you are a shit parent. If they don't behave at home it is your fault. If they don't behave at school it is also your fault. It is never schools fault for not meeting their needs until they want to get rid of you, then all of a sudden they can't meet their needs and you are off rolled as soon as possible. They won't even do the free stuff, like not require homework. or not punish an autistic 5 year old for not doing homework.

You are accused as making it up, fabricating their illness, they do not behave like that at school but you know they do as they are always complaining about it but then do not put it in the report and insinuate it is a parenting problem. If you are unlucky you will be one of the ones who gets reported to social services. (Heard too many stories on the SEN circuit) It's worse if you are not white, not middle class and not married.

You are accused of being a scrounge and only seeking diagnosis to claim benefits. Expected to attend all meetings and pick up the child at the drop of a hat but also a no good work-shy, benefit scrounger.

If your kid is violent the only help offered is call the police. Not therapy, not reasonable adjustments at school, not respite, not support. Caamhs are as useless as a chocolate fireguard in many cases.

13 is a tricky age. It might get better. (crosses four pairs of fingers and crosses the crossed pairs. Hypermobility!)

Have you been to therapy?

OMGosh, this is heart wrenching. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds as though you are at the very end of being able to cope with it all. Please please do not sink. Do not shut down. You can do this, you can handle this, you can find a way. The biggest things that you've done today is to post on MN about your feelings, which must have taken immense courage. I can't say anything useful, but hopefully you can get some wider words than mine.

Hang on.

You are very much not alone, OP. Sending hugs x

It is extremelly extremelly hard. You need to try finding a respite for yourself - smth you love doing.
On top of that, you need to look for support for your children. Disruptive and all comes from unmet needs, telling you as a mother of an adhd child.

Sorry, forgot to say; I had no mum friends either, it was just too much effort and I work so was putting pressure on me dealing with mine and an extra one as well.

Hi OP. So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Your feelings are valid and make perfect sense to me. My two are now adults (one ND, the other NT) and both at different times were a pain the backside growing up and even beyond if I’m honest. I hear what you say about a support group, I’d feel the same but is there something you can do, just for yourself perhaps. A group, a hobby or an interest that you can focus on to give you time out? You sound worn down and I think you need ‘you’ time too.
thinking of you.

It’s not just ‘sports achievements’ for the sake of a proud parent though is it? These milestones and moments matter, because they show a child who is moving forward and developing and finding their strengths in the world. Everyone wants that for their child. A child who is struggling at school and has no friends is a worry because that will extrapolate onto future work dynamics and relationships.

It’s NOT SELFISH to expect your child to grow independence and leave home one day. Only in 2020s has it become semi normalised for parents to ‘expect to be carers forever’ due to an adult child with these types of issues.

That is so hard. I don’t want to spout platitudes but I do want to send you love and respect.
Be kind to yourself and your partner. You are doing your best . Take joy wherever you find it and know you deserve it.

From couples I know with autistic children, one of whom very close family member, the father is always behind the mother in coming to terms with it and accepting it. Doesn't mean it's the norm.but it is in the couples I know.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much,. And that youve been dealt this hand. You know it isn't the boys fault and that it can't be undone which of course will.add to your turmoil.

Because of the member of my family with an autistic child, i know of many groups.of parents who come together for play dates, unorthodox as they are or even socialise when they can just the adults, dads will.play footy and have a pint after and rant, vent discus and support eg. Is there anything like this in your area (if.you think it'd help I mean).

It's harder with your teen as he'll he'll be feeling the default hard line "no-one understands me" teenage thing that NT teens feel too. My cousin has aspergers and sadly as it was the late 90s.when he was a teen, and his parents were in denial (you.of course.arent) he had huge crisis, regression and was sectioned at 22. He was so lonely :( finding others who share interests is so.vital, are there.no.clubs if your sons interest or does he not wish to.engage?

OP said herself 'I never wanted children'

All children deserve to be wanted, I'm sorry but it's true

I think you are very brave and absolutely entitled to have these feelings, to say them out loud must be a relief for you. I don’t have SEN children so no advice there sorry, but your post really touched me, I hope as they get older life becomes less stressful

No way do you "deserve a kicking". You have posted about the reality of your life and given a voice to what so many people are experiencing. I think that even without the extra strain of having a child/children with special needs being a parent is a real slog. I brought my one and only up by myself and I can remember thinking how hard it was, what was the point, and nearly crying with tiredness from juggling motherhood, work, running the house etc. What can I say other than I hear you and my heart goes out to you. We should be able to speak honestly about what parenthood can be like.

I’m so sorry OP. I hear the deep pain in your words. It’s understandable why you feel that way.

Are you taking care of yourself in all this? Have you got someone in real life to speak to?

I’m sorry OP. I have two young adult sons that are autistic. You sound like you are suffering from burnout. My husband and I are still quite happily together after 30 years but we each had to navigate our kids’ disabilities in our own way. I think this is normal.
Please do not compare your children to others, because they, like you, have enough on their plates.
But it will get better. Your children are just on different paths with different timelines.
Just out of curiosity, are you and/or your husband also autistic or ADHD? It’s sometimes harder to work through it if you also struggle with executive functioning etc. One last thing. Our neighbours recently retired after raising two children and putting them successfully through uni. Their 23 year old was in an awful car accident, quadriplegic and severely brain damaged. His parents are now his 24hour carers. Life is like this - it can be very difficult. And we never know what others are going through.

No. Stop.
The OP deserves to have it easier.

You don’t deserve a kicking, OP.

You do, however, need a bit of a shake to stop saying things like ‘it must be something I’ve done’ or that you’re not good enough etc etc. You know that’s not true.

You may say things like this in the hope it will pre-empt anyone else’s judgement of you but (a) people with no idea about the life you’re living will judge anyway and (b) this does not have the effect of making people admire your humility and warm to you, but rather it drives them away as it sounds full of self-loathing and that makes people uncomfortable.

Don’t waste your energy on self-loathing. You need your energy. And you need people on your side.

(I’m on your side, by the way!)

Don’t plaster on a smile and pretend to be full of optimism and sunshine. That’s also a waste of your precious energy, and it’s not sustainable when you’re raising autistic kids. You can’t be masking your own stuff as well. Let yourself feel pissed off and exhausted and disappointed. Lean into any sense of absurd or dark humour you and your DH can share. If you have any room / time / desire to connect as a couple - even if it’s only shared glances or inside jokes - do as much of that as you can.

Try to stay off social media, where even some of the most well-meaning SEN parenting advocates can make the experience look all joyful and liberating and wacky rather than often incredibly dark and lonely and boring and alienating and sometimes frightening. (And when they do make reference to any of the difficulties, they are flooded with horrendous abuse and death threats from the more disturbed corners of the autistic internet).

It is hard. You need all the energy you can muster, though, so try to turn it towards meeting your own needs as much as possible rather than hating yourself and your choices.

Hang in there. Give yourself some grace.

I wish more people would realise that having kids is a massive, massive throw of the dice. Parenting moulds the edges but fundamentally the person/people you get are what you get. You can’t change them - people like OP didn’t f*ck up, she just got a crap hand compared to most others. You can make your kids the best version of themselves, but the sheer work that takes for difficult kids might cost you your sanity. Don’t let anyone sway you unless you could imagine being in OP’s position just as much as being in the position of the parents with 2 kind, beautiful, oxbridge graduates (as we all assume we will get before having kids).

I don't want to drive the knife in. But have you really 'poured so much in' given you admit you didn't want them? I'm sure that will have influenced how you parent them right from the off, the fact that fundamentally you didn't want children.
You say your youngest is very loving but you have nothing like school awards/sports achievements etc to feel proud of, it feels like all you want from them is achievements to validate you rather than.... Well, love? As a parent I would rather have a loving child than one who was a super duper high achiever type?
Please note I'm not trying to 'blame' you for your situation more just wondering if your underlying start position here of not actually wanting children is influencing all of it.