To wish I’d never had children

This
Parenting children without special needs is exhausting and relentless at times and it can all feel overwhelming.
You are allowed to feel as you do OP.
Sooooooo important that you take care of yourself..
One moment at a time.
As hard as it is, please try to stop comparing to others. Nothing to be achieved and upsetting for you.

Absolutely. You don't know what you are getting. Kids do not come with a read out either to tell you how effectively you are parenting. I always thought this when mine were being autistic/overwhelmed. You can not tell if you have acheived 100% best outcome or not in this situation, whether you have done pretty well or fucked up completely unknowingly. (I know I have fucked up and realised it sometimes, but we are all human and parenting is difficult, exhausting and sometimes we make mistakes. Unfortunately making a mistake with an autistic kid can be very loud and obvious)

I know it’s been said but I think you should speak to the gp about therapy. Just some time to yourself to unpick thoughts and have the opportunity to feel your feelings.

It sounds incredibly tough and I think having some support may help you to make small steps in making your own life more fulfilling because it sounds like you’ve tried so much but are stuck in a rut that probably needs some outside support to get you in a better place to deal with it.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, and I can understand the grief you feel at being dealt this hand.

Hi op
just to say my eldest (Audhd) will be 20 this summer and it has got easier. I’d say there was a real biting point at around 13/14. And your less academic youngest will find something they’re good. Have you tried drumming lessons by any chance? Also neurodiversity doesn't come from no where. You mention the rejection you’re preempting? Have you heard of rsd? You maybe be adhd and most likely your husband is ASC. This is often the case. Tonight i’m wishing I’d stopped at 2!!!

@SaySomethingMan yiur comments really are unhelpful

As if the husband would do fifty percent of SEN parenting.

I found it was worse when churches/ church leaders and congregants were awful because they are saying one thing and doing another.

As a disabled single parent of two autistic/disabled children getting to church on time was hard, yet it was said on more than one occasion by none disabled, married parents of nondisabled children that they could not understand why people <hint hint me> couldn't get to church on time.

Other people in church were wonderful and caring, but unless the general ethos is caring, then it is not much use.

Have you tried going to therapy? It might help to have a space where you can regularly go and talk about all of this. It all sounds very hard. 3 years of PND is brutal. You sound like you have a lot of stuff to unpack and think about.

I think this all the time as someone who works with disabled children (and has children on the spectrum myself.) Even more so when the parents are getting older.
Something that is also shocking common is having one obviously disabled child, and going on to have another (very often more seriously disabled) sibling. I wish there was a way to educate people more on the risks and the reality because it's such a hard life for all involved.

It is hard to believe this but it will be ok.
These are challenging times but it will and does get easier.
The children love you and you do them.
F society norms and expectations.
You do you.
This is your life make it what you want.

You have to let go of the idea of a ‘normal’ life. You won’t get it and pining after it will only make you more miserable. However you should allow yourself time to wallow in sadness but thrm move on and control the things you can

Can you not leave and pay child support?

I say this as an autistic mum to A very challenging autistic teen I love very much , planned and wanted. Just because you're A woman no one should judge you for doing what's best for you all. A man wouldn't think twice.

That sounds really difficult. Even for people who craved the idea of having children, having children with SEND is really tasking.
What sort of help do you have? any respite? Can they access any local groups for children with additional needs to help with their social life?
Try not to take it to heart. Some teenagers with plenty of friends still make those complaints.

Sorry I can’t help you but just to let know that I hear you and I understand. 💐

Take a step back.

You have neurodivergent kids. The rules change.

What DO they thrive at?

Then start with the unrealistic. If money was no question, what would your life look like if you could do whatever you wanted so that your kids thrived?

You're stressing out and feeling low because you're trying to mould them into the shoes that a neurotypical child would walk.

Life is for living, so maybe start thinking about a completely different way of doing life. I have an autistic child and it is hard. Utterly draining at times. Sometimes you need to look for other ways to approach things.

I felt like you until I started HRT. Perimenopause and 10 years of SEND parenting were a savage combination. I felt like I’d got nothing left to give anyone anymore and that I’d failed at everything and didn’t know who I was any more. HRT gave me back a sense of hope.

I honestly think you need mental health help ( I’m not saying this in an unkind way ) that is not a normal feeling to feel for a long time towards your kids . I have 2 children with special needs , one severely autistic now a young adult needs care all the time , very hard to please on verbal etc and I still love him non stop and unconditionally , the other is a bright 10 year old very smart struggling makes friends but very kind and she is just brilliant some times and I’ve been proud of her many times . I have 2 more kids too and 2 step kids they all had their faults but I still love them to bits . What you feel is completely alien to me if im
honest .
Maybe it’s because as you say you never wanted kids and you feel so resentful.
I adore my kids , I also have a great job I love and amazing husband but my kids are my world and I never loved anyone as much as them

I just have sympathy, you sound like an amazing, proactive, protective mum who loves her boys very much. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I have no DC but I have been in that can’t focus on anything for myself and the constant worry and failure to relax. Going against the normal yoga or meditation for relaxing, I would urge you to go the other way. Something more like spinning or squash or something where you are physically exhausting yourself or distracting yourself to the point your mind is too busy looking for the ball and feeling like you are going to die to worry about anything else. Sometimes it’s nice to take a break mentally and that was the only way I could do it at one point.

I completely understand why you feel this way. What would say is that I’ve seen posts on SEN boards here where things suddenly do improve in late teens or early 20s. But I understand why you can’t hold on to that.

I’ve been where you are OP, well not quite as eldest is autistic & younger one has adhd. For me it did get better but I was on antidepressants for years. They helped take the edge of & kept me on an even keel. Sadly my marriage didn’t survive but I felt a little less helpless. Hang in there 💐

Oh, OP. I feel for you, I really do. Absolutely no judgement here. I didn't want kids either, one of the reasons being that I knew I could not cope if they had a disability. My husband felt the same, luckily, or I might easily have ended up in your shoes. And like you, I would have regretted it all and hated it. I think it's only human to think the way you do when you have such challenges at home. You're a person. And people have needs and dreams, and they get tired and hopeless. You're not a robot-angel.

Are there any facilities for autistic boys where they they could go and stay for a week here and there, to give you respite? Or any such where they stay there in the week and come home at weekends? It sounds like you've reached your coping limit, and who could blame you.

Since the eldest is 13, I suppose you'll have to start thinking about what his eventual adult life might look like. The important thing is surely to set them up in such a way that their lives will continue uninterrupted if anything happens to you and your husband. For example, I know someone who has an adult disabled sister in her fifties. She doesn't have autism (she has Trisomy 13). She lives in a small group home where there are staff, and she works in a shop. It's sheltered accommodation, really.

I know that sheltered accommodation isn't what you're looking at right now, but they'll be finished school before you know it. If you have a plan for their adulthood (assuming they can't go to uni), then maybe it will all seem more manageable now.

I know I would hate to have such difficult children. I would feel exactly the same as you, and I think that many, many people who won't admit it would, too. You are not alone.

Hugs xxxx 💐

I agree with this. Screen time needs to be limited with children.

How do they respond to physical activity? Not at a competitive level but just getting out on their bikes with you?