Page 6 | To wish I’d never had children

thegreenlight · 2026-05-21T19:11:43+00:00

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school. My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

Calliopespa · 22/05/2026 00:15

thegreenlight · 21/05/2026 20:20

I wish I hadn’t - I have poured so much in to get so little out. I have no mum friends as their behaviour is so odd we never get invited anywhere. No parties, no play dates. I have been on edge and hyper vigilant for triggers and risks for so so long. I’m just so tired.

I'm sorry Op, that sounds really hard and this is a very honest thread. I am sure many people might feel similarly in similar circumstances.

My hope for you is that things change. We can never give up on our dc as parents, and that job is easier for some than others. But there may be joys round the corner you don't expect. Your youngest is loving: that is something some parents never get to experience.

And I hope this is helpful but all parents find it tough at times. Some may have less reason to, but I think everyone has moments when dc seem very "style-cramping" and hard work. You are not alone.

Dragonflyspeeding · 22/05/2026 00:07

thegreenlight · 21/05/2026 21:41

I don’t know what ‘me’ time is any more. I don’t know who I am. Ive changed careers, lost weight, learnt to play an instrument, but nothing gives me joy as it’s just treading water before the next crisis. My brain is always elsewhere worrying about them. I get no peace.

This is how I've always felt since having kids.
I think I might have managed it with one. But doing it all a second time, going through all the crisis, trauma and drama. I sincerely wish I'd never had children.

Schnapps00 · 22/05/2026 00:07

tallulahlulah · 21/05/2026 22:21

Name change as I'm going to sound awful here.

There can be an alternative @thegreenlight. Not for everyone, but for some.

We have four DCs, all of which are ND to some degree but two severely.

My eldest DS is now 18. He has autism and ADHD and has been violent and unmanageable all his life. Like OP describes, he has never has a friend and has not been invited to a single birthday party in all those years. He is capable of mainstream school but was constantly in trouble. He was excluded from schools three times (or would have been, but each time the HM called us in for the "we're not sure this is the right school" conversation so we jumped before we were pushed). At home he was aggressive towards DH and me and frequently physically assaulted his three younger siblings. DH intervened when it got physical (only to prevent him getting to them) but as DS approached adulthood it became clear that DH (in his 50s) may not always have been able to protect them. For the last two or three years we didn't cope in any meaningful way and in the end we allowed him to spend all his time he wasn't at school in his room because he was sort of happy and that was easier. Nobody cared. Since he was five we had door after door slammed shut, no support whatsoever.

When he was 17 and a half his college suggested we try adult services at our local council and they have been amazing. They couldn't do anything formal until he turned 18 but they could help us prepare and days after his 18th birthday DS moved into supported housing about 45 minutes away from us, initially for short week placement in a special unit to help young people transition and then into a "permanent" home with four other young men and full time support. This is all funded via UC and housing support.

We speak to him every day and typically see him about twice a week for a couple of hours, either to take him out for lunch or because he has an appointment or, to be honest, because he is in trouble. He shouts and swears at us as he always did, but somehow it's manageable as we return to a calmer house and he goes to his. The carers who live in the house in shifts are saints.

I know this will sound like we are terrible people and have failed him as parents, but to be honest I think this is the solution that has given us an option to continue in a relationship with him. Otherwise I just don't know how we would have coped with things on the downward trajectory they were on.

I guess I am posting this because OP's DH said they will eventually move out and lots of people have doubted that. It may not be possible, or appropriate, or desirable for many, but it can happen. OP's description of life with her DS struck a lot of chords with our own experience so I thought I would share a tiny bit of our own trainwreck journey.

Bracing myself to be torn to shreds.

Couldn't read and not stop to say what a great set up it sounds like your son has, and very sensible all round. Perhaps he loves having his (relative) independence like any 18 year old? Don't beat yourself up for a second, just because adult children need extra support doesn't mean it needs to all come from parents. Same can be true for older relatives, some people run themselves into the ground caring for them, but it can thoroughly ruin the relationship.

Itsnotfunbeingobtuse · 22/05/2026 00:07

thegreenlight · 21/05/2026 20:20

I wish I hadn’t - I have poured so much in to get so little out. I have no mum friends as their behaviour is so odd we never get invited anywhere. No parties, no play dates. I have been on edge and hyper vigilant for triggers and risks for so so long. I’m just so tired.

Do either you or your husband have autism/adhd? As I think if you are, you should have known the likelihood of your children having these too and could have made informed decisions pre-babies and not regret them now. Remember, they didn’t ask to be born and deserve two loving parents who want them no matter their behaviour.

Are your children on medication for their ADHD? I’ve seen the transformations in children once they are. It’s a much more pleasant and peaceful life for them rather than everyone hating on their behaviour which is out of their control.

DefiantRabbit9 · 22/05/2026 00:02

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 21/05/2026 20:15

How does your husband even think they'll leave home? How does he think they'll afford to?

It's possible my brother was diagnosed with Asperger's in the 90's when they were just considered 'slow' or 'odd'. He works in finance and has a fully paid off flat which he keeps on top of. They don't like change so you pretty much have to coax them out.

OneFineDay22 · 21/05/2026 23:59

Did you have a traumatic birth? PND often follows a traumatic birth, and trauma therapy can have a huge effect on ASD and ADHD etc.

Therapy in general might be a good idea.

Also, there is nothing in it for parents, really. You’ve supported your kids interests which is all anyone with sporty award winning kids would be doing. I wasn’t sporty or award winning. Loads of kids aren’t. And if I had been, how would that have been “something in it” for my DM?

tallulahlulah · 21/05/2026 23:59

tallulahlulah · 21/05/2026 22:21

Name change as I'm going to sound awful here.

There can be an alternative @thegreenlight. Not for everyone, but for some.

We have four DCs, all of which are ND to some degree but two severely.

My eldest DS is now 18. He has autism and ADHD and has been violent and unmanageable all his life. Like OP describes, he has never has a friend and has not been invited to a single birthday party in all those years. He is capable of mainstream school but was constantly in trouble. He was excluded from schools three times (or would have been, but each time the HM called us in for the "we're not sure this is the right school" conversation so we jumped before we were pushed). At home he was aggressive towards DH and me and frequently physically assaulted his three younger siblings. DH intervened when it got physical (only to prevent him getting to them) but as DS approached adulthood it became clear that DH (in his 50s) may not always have been able to protect them. For the last two or three years we didn't cope in any meaningful way and in the end we allowed him to spend all his time he wasn't at school in his room because he was sort of happy and that was easier. Nobody cared. Since he was five we had door after door slammed shut, no support whatsoever.

When he was 17 and a half his college suggested we try adult services at our local council and they have been amazing. They couldn't do anything formal until he turned 18 but they could help us prepare and days after his 18th birthday DS moved into supported housing about 45 minutes away from us, initially for short week placement in a special unit to help young people transition and then into a "permanent" home with four other young men and full time support. This is all funded via UC and housing support.

We speak to him every day and typically see him about twice a week for a couple of hours, either to take him out for lunch or because he has an appointment or, to be honest, because he is in trouble. He shouts and swears at us as he always did, but somehow it's manageable as we return to a calmer house and he goes to his. The carers who live in the house in shifts are saints.

I know this will sound like we are terrible people and have failed him as parents, but to be honest I think this is the solution that has given us an option to continue in a relationship with him. Otherwise I just don't know how we would have coped with things on the downward trajectory they were on.

I guess I am posting this because OP's DH said they will eventually move out and lots of people have doubted that. It may not be possible, or appropriate, or desirable for many, but it can happen. OP's description of life with her DS struck a lot of chords with our own experience so I thought I would share a tiny bit of our own trainwreck journey.

Bracing myself to be torn to shreds.

And to be clear, I said a calmer house, not a calm house.

Our third child, DD (15) came home from school today and announced that "I need a new phone and I'm not paying for it", and dropped a Tesco food bag containing an iPhone in about 16 pieces onto the kitchen table.

So, what happened? I asked.

"I wasn't having a good day and the phone was in my hand so I smashed it."

She has an EHCP but no diagnosis. Is not autistic according to the psych. So far oppositional defiant disorder is our best guess, but that comes from the teachers at her special school and is not an official diagnosis. It translates into "every day is war".

I respect all of the parents on here who relay awful stories but still insist "I love them with every bit of my heart".

I will confess I have moments of doubt.

SwirlingAroundSleep · 21/05/2026 23:47

Is there an autism hub or something near to you? We have one and it has regular events as well as links specifically to a PODS group with events for families of children with special needs. Just a suggestion if you’re looking for somewhere that your children can fit in and you can perhaps meet other parents who sympathise.

I deeply wanted children and have step children, one of whom is autistic and ADHD and I knew it the first day I met him (even though he was undiagnosed I knew in minutes) but I still chose to love him anyway. It’s incredibly hard at times, even though his dad does almost everything for him, but I know I chose to have him in my life. I can’t imagine how hard it is when you didn’t really want to be a parent in the first place.

Caplin · 21/05/2026 23:44

Not sure if what I say. An be helpful. Both my younger siblings were autistic, one was also ADHD and oppositional defiance, the other was obsessed with gang culture and drugs and had arrested development at 16.

You may have your kids with you for many years to come, they may not cope in the world. My youngest sibling never coped. He stayed at home into his thirties and sadly his addictions killed him.

My sister has had a few false starts in life, had to come home a few times, needed bailed out many times. But she is coping as a single parent escaping and abusing marriage.

So it is hard, you may be juggling this for many years to come, maybe forever. But my sister has finally graduated, she is doing great, her kids are great, her diagnosis means we all now understand her better.

Paramaribo2025 · 21/05/2026 23:39

Autism is highly genetic. Do you or your husband have it too?

CareBearClaire · 21/05/2026 23:34

I’m afraid I don’t have any good advice but just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if this is helpful, but if you can, it sounds like you should go and do something really lovely for yourself on a regular basis - an art class, a night away with yourself or friends, go for a day yourself to the beach, treat yourself. What you’re going through must be impossibly hard. Sending you a hug 🥰

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 21/05/2026 23:22

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 21/05/2026 22:37

Hi @thegreenlight , I think you've been very brave to post your experience, even though you think you'll be massively criticised.

No criticism from me - this was exactly what I hoped OP's DC would be able to access. It's really the only way for them to be able to move out.
I have so much admiration for what parents like you and the OP and her DH manage to live through every day.

💐💐💐

Show quote history

Should have said hi @tallulahlulah as I was replying to your post.

But @thegreenlight has also been very brave in sharing how she feels about having children. Again, no criticism here, just admiration for getting through the days.

(I worked in SEN support for 29 years, so I know a little about the challenges faced).

Fiddlesticks357 · 21/05/2026 23:17

Oh my heart is breaking for you. Your feelings are valid. Bet youre a great mum aswell. Have you had any counselling? You need some support and so do the kids. You need to reframe your outlook and life too to survive. Therapy can help. Accept your feelings, they aren't bad or wrong. No1 can judge unless they are you, in your position, and theyre not! You've been dealt a very hard hand and its going to be very tough for you. The kids do need specialist support/school by the sounds of it and that will help somewhat so that they feel heard, not different.

NameChangeMay2026 · 21/05/2026 23:14

Rubyofftherails · 21/05/2026 21:05

As a lifelong fence-sitter in my early 30's, occasionally I feel like I could be swayed or that I should succumb to the peer pressure to procreate. I know this isn't helpful to you OP and I feel for you, but posts like these remind me that I don't actually want children at all, in the slightest.

I think women who are agonising over their decision to become a mother whose stance is not 100% "yes" should pay attention to posts such as this; having a child is irreversible and living with that decision is a lifelong commitment. Your ghastly husband essentially coerced you into having 2 children that you never wanted and gave you an ultimatum.

Edited

I agree with every word of this. I fence-sat so hard in my thirties. I couldn't say I really really wanted them, but at the same time, I was DESPERATELY worried that I would live to regret not having them. I had no peace for years because of the issue, and it got worse as my thirties progressed.

My husband felt the same. We were both too frozen by indecision to move forward.

So we decided that yes, we might regret it, but that it's far, far better to regret NOT having them than the other way round. Also, children just deserve to be really wanted.

I'm post-menopausal now and happy I didn't give in to social pressure, which was INTENSE. Our parents nearly drove me to the far side of the moon with the pressure they all heaped on me. It badly affected our relationship. Plus there were friends, acquaintances, even strangers who all encouraged me, even though I showed no outward sign of wanting them. And I could NOT announce that I had some news without someone patting their stomach and raising their eyebrows at me. Any job moves or holiday announcements to friends and family were always ruined that way. Ah, I remember those days of being married, in my thirties, and not reproducing. Good times. NOT.

Now, postmenopause, it's lonely sometimes, yes, but no lifestyle is perfect. Stick to your guns if you don't want kids.

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 21/05/2026 23:13

radioX · 21/05/2026 20:17

I have autistic children and I’m also autistic and I know how hard it is. But that’s terrible what your husband said. I know how hard it can be but those boys didn’t ask to be brought into this world, maybe your husband should remember that.

Why is it horrible? Children generally do grow up, leave home and then parents are on their own again.
However OPs children are autistic and at this age there's no way of knowing if they'll be able to live independently or be able to afford to. I have 3 children, 2 of them have autism. My middle DC may be able to live independently but we're not sure. My youngest will never live independently. However my eldest who is NT is working and has vaguely talked about moving out which is what I expected to happen. What's wrong with saying one day your children will leave home. I feel I must be missing something obvious.

Fountinbeach · 21/05/2026 23:13

You 100% have my sympathy.
I think many woman can quietly regret motherhood and all it demands of us, even without SEN.
So I have zero difficulty imagining your regrets.
You sound amazing but utterly exhausted.

I have no suggestion other than do NOT beat yourself up over feeling this way.

You can love your children deeply but wish you hadn't taken the path of having children.
The two are not mutually exclusive.

Sending you genuine sympathy and empathy.

Stoneycold12 · 21/05/2026 23:11

OP, as others have said, i think your husband should be doing more to support you, you're stressed and exhausted so he needs to step up.

I think you need a break - even just one night away in a hotel by yourself, where you won't be able to rush home to sort out any issues. Maybe do this once a month, so you have something to look forward to.

if you can't afford a hotel/airbandb, you could even stay with a friend or family member and treat them and yourself to a takeaway.

But you need some time and space away from them all, and to do something that you enjoy, even if it's just a lie in, or sitting in a cafe with a book.

I think therapy could help too, so you can be open and honest, though first step is for your husband to step up, and not just be fun dad. School drop offs and pick ups are very basic parenting, I don't think it's that impressive that he does them.

Papoy · 21/05/2026 23:01

I dont know what to suggest apart from empathy and strength ...

I hope you find some joy in your difficult life... It is almost impossible to carve out some time for a hobby or some alone time....but if you could, perhaps it gives you some joy.
Sending lots of love

Candy24 · 21/05/2026 23:01

thegreenlight · 21/05/2026 21:58

I could never leave them. I’m their world. I’m the only one that gets them. It doesn’t make it any easier day to day though

Your a good mum. After reading all your updates your deeply depressed I really do hope your getting therapy to help you cope.

NameChangeMay2026 · 21/05/2026 22:59

Sartre · 21/05/2026 22:35

This is seriously gut wrenching to read. The issue is the fact you didn’t want children in the first place and felt forced into it by your DH. I think SEN aside, if you really wanted to have kids it would still be hard but you wouldn’t feel even half as bad as you do now. I really feel bad for you. I have 5 DC and the youngest has SEN, he’s thankfully not as difficult in terms of behaviour as some can be but has speech delay and other issues like no sense of danger.

I actually think I’ve developed PTSD or OCD or something because I can’t deal with unlocked doors or wide open windows, just because in the past he’s escaped and run down the road and he’s terrifying so I have to check they’re all locked every time I walk past. I have visions of him jumping out of the window upstairs sometimes, like intrusive thoughts.

It’s really difficult BUT I love being a mum, you don’t and I think that’s what makes your story harder to take. I’m so sorry, you need some professional help though, I really recommend therapy.

You love being a mum, but you have four NT children and one mildly ND. So your situation is nothing like OP's. You might feel differently if you had no NT children and your oldest was as affected as OP's is.

Stoneycold12 · 21/05/2026 22:56

tallulahlulah · 21/05/2026 22:21

Name change as I'm going to sound awful here.

There can be an alternative @thegreenlight. Not for everyone, but for some.

We have four DCs, all of which are ND to some degree but two severely.

My eldest DS is now 18. He has autism and ADHD and has been violent and unmanageable all his life. Like OP describes, he has never has a friend and has not been invited to a single birthday party in all those years. He is capable of mainstream school but was constantly in trouble. He was excluded from schools three times (or would have been, but each time the HM called us in for the "we're not sure this is the right school" conversation so we jumped before we were pushed). At home he was aggressive towards DH and me and frequently physically assaulted his three younger siblings. DH intervened when it got physical (only to prevent him getting to them) but as DS approached adulthood it became clear that DH (in his 50s) may not always have been able to protect them. For the last two or three years we didn't cope in any meaningful way and in the end we allowed him to spend all his time he wasn't at school in his room because he was sort of happy and that was easier. Nobody cared. Since he was five we had door after door slammed shut, no support whatsoever.

When he was 17 and a half his college suggested we try adult services at our local council and they have been amazing. They couldn't do anything formal until he turned 18 but they could help us prepare and days after his 18th birthday DS moved into supported housing about 45 minutes away from us, initially for short week placement in a special unit to help young people transition and then into a "permanent" home with four other young men and full time support. This is all funded via UC and housing support.

We speak to him every day and typically see him about twice a week for a couple of hours, either to take him out for lunch or because he has an appointment or, to be honest, because he is in trouble. He shouts and swears at us as he always did, but somehow it's manageable as we return to a calmer house and he goes to his. The carers who live in the house in shifts are saints.

I know this will sound like we are terrible people and have failed him as parents, but to be honest I think this is the solution that has given us an option to continue in a relationship with him. Otherwise I just don't know how we would have coped with things on the downward trajectory they were on.

I guess I am posting this because OP's DH said they will eventually move out and lots of people have doubted that. It may not be possible, or appropriate, or desirable for many, but it can happen. OP's description of life with her DS struck a lot of chords with our own experience so I thought I would share a tiny bit of our own trainwreck journey.

Bracing myself to be torn to shreds.

It's great that a sheltered living place was found for your oldest son, and how could anyone flame you for this?

In an ideal world he would have had a residential place from a younger age, to safeguard his siblings, and to enable him to have access to on-going therapy.

I think we've gone way to far in 'care in the community' - often the community or family just can't provide the supports neded, or are exposed to abuse as you and the rest of your family were.

Please don't feel that you've done anything wrong - your son needs ongoing support, and professionals are best placed to provide it - emotions don't come into play, they get regular breaks, and your son, while in supported housing, has managed to leave home, this isn't a negative thing.

researchers3 · 21/05/2026 22:55

FernFaery · 21/05/2026 20:28

That sounds very tough and I’m empathetic to your situation. Parenting now just seems SO much harder than when I was younger. Every other person has children with EBSA, tricky neurodivergence, anxiety or some other condition that has the poor parent lying awake at night wondering how they will survive the coming years.

We have a handful of such cases in our own family and the parents are completely drained and all out of ideas. I feel we need to warn people now before having a baby, for the very real possibility they will need eternal parenting and be very difficult to manage and probably never fully independent.

How on earth have we got here.

What an unhelpful - not to mention, inaccurate post.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 21/05/2026 22:53

tallulahlulah · 21/05/2026 22:21

Name change as I'm going to sound awful here.

There can be an alternative @thegreenlight. Not for everyone, but for some.

We have four DCs, all of which are ND to some degree but two severely.

My eldest DS is now 18. He has autism and ADHD and has been violent and unmanageable all his life. Like OP describes, he has never has a friend and has not been invited to a single birthday party in all those years. He is capable of mainstream school but was constantly in trouble. He was excluded from schools three times (or would have been, but each time the HM called us in for the "we're not sure this is the right school" conversation so we jumped before we were pushed). At home he was aggressive towards DH and me and frequently physically assaulted his three younger siblings. DH intervened when it got physical (only to prevent him getting to them) but as DS approached adulthood it became clear that DH (in his 50s) may not always have been able to protect them. For the last two or three years we didn't cope in any meaningful way and in the end we allowed him to spend all his time he wasn't at school in his room because he was sort of happy and that was easier. Nobody cared. Since he was five we had door after door slammed shut, no support whatsoever.

When he was 17 and a half his college suggested we try adult services at our local council and they have been amazing. They couldn't do anything formal until he turned 18 but they could help us prepare and days after his 18th birthday DS moved into supported housing about 45 minutes away from us, initially for short week placement in a special unit to help young people transition and then into a "permanent" home with four other young men and full time support. This is all funded via UC and housing support.

We speak to him every day and typically see him about twice a week for a couple of hours, either to take him out for lunch or because he has an appointment or, to be honest, because he is in trouble. He shouts and swears at us as he always did, but somehow it's manageable as we return to a calmer house and he goes to his. The carers who live in the house in shifts are saints.

I know this will sound like we are terrible people and have failed him as parents, but to be honest I think this is the solution that has given us an option to continue in a relationship with him. Otherwise I just don't know how we would have coped with things on the downward trajectory they were on.

I guess I am posting this because OP's DH said they will eventually move out and lots of people have doubted that. It may not be possible, or appropriate, or desirable for many, but it can happen. OP's description of life with her DS struck a lot of chords with our own experience so I thought I would share a tiny bit of our own trainwreck journey.

Bracing myself to be torn to shreds.

Bless you lovely, that sounds such a hard situation. My parents gave their all to raise my late DB, and got some dreadful abuse from him and at times he could be violent too.

He eventually moved into his own place, but really the worry never stopped, as I'm sure it hasn't for you. But it did take the pressure off my parents a bit, which I'm sure you can relate to. Sending hugs 🫂

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/05/2026 22:53

Fatiguedwithlife · 21/05/2026 20:40

If you left your husband you could have some time off from the boys… easier to cope with them when it’s only 50% of the time.

Plenty of dads who become non resident rarely do 50% with neurotypical kids...

roseswithoutthorns · 21/05/2026 22:52

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 21/05/2026 22:26

Why would you be? It sounds like an ideal arrangement for all of you. Not every parent is able to care for their disabled adult dc and sometimes it's in the best interests of the disabled person to live elsewhere. As you say, you have a relationship with him that works.

My profoundly autistic son is in a care home and he is much happier than he was with me. His needs are being met and I finally have peace and space to take care of my physical and mental health.

Anyone who judges simply hasn't a clue what life was like and what led to such a decision. It's never an easy one.

Show quote history

I know profoundly autistic children who were eventually placed in an excellent residential care facility. The trouble is there are not enough places available and worse families being made to feel guilty for considering it. I can assure you there is absolutely no shame in holding your hands up & saying for many children & their parents it's by far the best decision.