To wish I’d never had children

Firstly you and your husband need a break.
Do whatever is required to make one happen.

Whilst on your break, spend 1hr a day making a plan of how you can improve things at home.
Cleaner, some more childcare, whatever it is that would help you. Make a Plan A, and then make a plan B of secondary ideas you could implement IF you needed even more change.

The way things are now doesn’t have to be how they stay xxxx
big hug for you xxx

I know this might not be what you want to hear right now but parenting is so much harder if you think of it in terms of what you get back out of it. It is normal nowadays for kids to want to grow up and leave their parents, to be unable or unwilling to care for us in old age, and in the end to give very little back for all we have sacrificed. I try not to expect anything from my children in that regard - it’s an expectation that will likely lead to disappointment and a reward that would come with great delay.

Instead I try to think of parenting as something I give to myself. When I give something to my child, I’m allowing myself to feel the love I never felt myself growing up - allbeit from a different perspective. If they are being shitty, which all people can be, by handling that im giving myself the gift of resilience. That way, mentally, I can find something Instant to grab onto as to why it’s worth it.

But your situation sounds especially hard. I guess you can always reframe it as this is still a choice. Every day you choose to stay, not leave. Although you were pressured, you chose to be a parent. Owning those choices might make you feel more in control. Put the Option of leaving as something realistic on the table and see how you really feel about it.

Have you and your dh ever looked into getting tested as ADHD/autism is a genetic condition
Also lots of women have been diagnosed with depression, got prescribed anti depressants that don’t work.
When they are diagnosed ADHD and take the meds, they realise that they never had depression in the first place

Could you maybe use the bungalow as an escape for a couple of days and nights each week. Or if that is too close to home maybe renting a small studio for you or your dh to go to on a regular basis just to get out of the house and out of being a parent. Where for a couple of days each week you learn to be you again

Firstly it might make your dh more aware of the limitations that both your dc face.
Secondly, I don’t think he appreciates the work involved in raising your DS’s. I think the drop offs and collecting is really just fiddling round the edges. I know he takes an interest in what they do but it doesn’t show him the battle with paperwork and educators who are trying to deny your child an appropriate education.
Thirdly you need time off otherwise you are going to get ill. The stress you are under isn’t doing yourself or your dh or dc any good.

Have you looked into going back to work and being the main earner. Would that be a possibility

FWIW I have 2 ND children. Both have ADHD (as do I. 9/9 in all areas of ADHD and Autism)
Before I realised that my struggles were because of ADHD I watched as my DS struggle with primary school and then crashing out of secondary school.
I tried to find my DS an appropriate school.
He quite clearly had ADHD. But wasn’t diagnosed. He needed a school that was between the comprehensive (which he couldn’t cope with) and the special schools.
(which weren’t appropriate)

I asked the local and county wide education authority, I asked in different forums, I googled and was met with a No.Doest exist.
In the end I gave up work and home schooled him.

During Covid dd took on work as an agency TA and for 1 week worked at the exact school that I described to the EA and was told didn’t exist.
Your description of eldest DS sounds exactly like the pupils in the school.
If pupils get overwhelmed in class they just inform the teacher they are going outside the classroom to walk around for a while.
A lot of the children had their own specialised interests they were encouraged to talk about and work on.
Dd said DS would have thrived in such a school.

To be honest OP I’d be leaving your husband. He sounds awful. Leave and get at least a 50% break.

If you work in a SEN school you surely must be aware its not a one size fits all solution nor is it a guranteed and simple proces to get respite ?

You do not deserve a kicking, you deserve a medal.

Do you get any respite support? Sounds like you need a break before the situation breaks you.

"No wonder he is unhappy - he sure can feel his mum sees him as a failure and does not like him...Poor poor boy.
You need to pull yourself together. No good moaning ..."

JFC @localnotail Is that your idea of a pep talk? Maybe you thought you were giving good advice but what you've written is so judgmental that it's offensive.
🤦‍♀️

I have nothing helpful to add here but I'm sending you love, OP. And an 'unmumsnetty' squeeze.

You sound so exhausted- I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to parent two autistic DC with such challenging behaviour.
My DC had their challenges with their mental health (probably undiagnosed ND, but they are adults now).
Can you ever get a break for yourself/respite/your dh look after them while you go for a coffee etc. what help has been put in place?

I was thinking just that! What are SEND parents getting so terribly wrong here that this poster understands so very much better?

Can you sign them up to clubs or competitions or talk to the school about things your boys are good at and are passionate about?

My son is ND and isn’t a stereotypical boy, he HATES sports with a passion, so he does art and creative writing instead and has won awards and commendations for that.

@thegreenlight Just wanted to add: don't think and fret about the future. You have no idea

1. How your children will develop- brain plasticity is really a thing- so much can change in a couple of years.
2. What services will be available to your children- there are group homes/supported living which others have mentioned so the time they live at home with you may be limited.

Try to focus on one day/week at a time and make sure you get time for yourself in order to breathe.

Also wanted to add that I have been surprised and touched by all posters on this thread. I was afraid of the OP getting kicked while lying down but the majority have been lovely and compassionate. I hope you take that with you OP 🌻

It’s tough. They are here and they need you to keep moving forward. So many children with extra needs are unwanted, it’s very tough for them too.

Hey lovely,

absolutely no judgement here. This sounds an awful situation and a situation neither you or your children asked to be placed in. It sounds really tough, I hope you have people you can vent too.

im the mother of an adhd child and my god it’s exhausting. Also, I work within a sen school and I do see the more extreme types of behaviour and I know it must be so hard.

i wondered if you had ever looked at special sen schools? The one I work at offers a residential unit where children can sleep a couple of nights a week. We had regular children do one to two nights a week which offered their parents a great deal of respite. With an EHCP you should be offered transport for these types of schools too. We have students travel from the city I live, plus ones further a field, even one student from London who comes on a Monday stays the whole week and then makes the three hour journey back home on a Friday.

Im sorry parenting has been boys has been so very tough.
I admire your honesty in expressing how your feel. Many parents for many reasons(not just neurodiversity,mental health issues) have felt its a thankless task and wonder if they should have embarked on it ,particularly if their heart wasnt in it to begin with.
Life sometimes disappoints us, i get that.
I can see from your post that you are a mum who has been devoted to your difficult to parent boys and that you love them.
I think those slating your DH are looking for someone to blame for your unhappiness, he may have been trying to support you with his light at the end of the tunnel comment about them growing up and leaving,it may or may not be true for various reasons ,but this "season" will pass.
Your boys are at a particularly difficult age ,hormones etc,spiky and hard to please is normal teens.
The pressure to be a "success" in every sphere of life ,the rosy spin portrayed online, can leave us dissatisfied.
I understand you feel you've made a mistake and its tough,i dont have any pearls of wisdom to change that other than find support and time for yourself.
I hope you have people to talk to IRL and take care of yourself.

I also think the Dad is missing the point a bit when he says “they’ll grow up and leave and it will just be us again.”

It feels a bit like he’s fast forwarding to the “good part”. But you can’t. This is life not a movie.

It’s all very well talking about the future but his wife is struggling with the reality now and instead of being more supportive, he just talks about this “child free” future he imagines that may never actually transpire.

It may be okay for him because he got his much desired children,and is now
taking a backseat with fighting for them to get the additional help they need while OP is battling single handedly. OP has brought these two kids into the world against her better judgment and now struggling to raise them. That’s 18+ years of her life she will be struggling.

Parents know it will be hard raising kids, but they also understandably hope to have a lot of joy in the process. That there will be heaps of fond memories to look back on.

Not just raising kids in misery for over two decades and then ticking a box saying “glad that’s done now, phew they are out the house and it’s just us again”.

Nothing useful to say except it sounds so hard. 💐

Yeah I don’t think the husband is terrible for saying the kids will one day be gone, but I wonder how realistic he is being?

Even in today’s society it’s hard for many NT kids to leave home until they’re much older due to ridiculous rents and things like that.

Not saying they will never leave home but he may not be waving them off to uni at age 18 or even 21, like I suspect he expects to!

Im sure my husband is in denial - I have had to fight single handily for every bit of support we have got. I did everything alone, the forms, the parent conversations, the mediation.

I also think he needs to step up more, why is he the one who pushed for kids and yet Op is the one fighting the hardest for them on her own?

I would love to know how you manage around your disabled children. Please do share you top tips and hacks :-)

Your husband wanted the children most.

You need to admit that you've done your fair share of being the main carer.

Find a three day per week job and give DH notice that he will be the main carer for three days per week for the next ten years.

Concentrate on your career.
Enjoy a well deserved change.

I think OP you need to have some counselling. I get a feeling you depend too much on what others think, on fitting in, on complying with norms. Why are you so obsessed with sports, friendships and playdates? To be honest, even school is not massively important on the grand scheme of thing. What important is to be there for your DC and to support him no matter what. You say your eldest talks about his interests - what are they? You are trying to fit him into a "normal"-shaped hole when in reality you should try and develop a connection with a human being your son is. No wonder he is unhappy - he sure can feel his mum sees him as a failure and does not like him...Poor poor boy.

You need to pull yourself together. No good moaning about never wanting children - they are already here. Its hard, but you need to find a way to manage. You also need to make sure you have time for your own life, and your DH needs to step up. Your life, frankly, is what you make of it.

You are so real. My kids are older. I understand.

It sounds like your DH has very little understanding of your situation based on that comment. Are you looking after him as well? As the children were his dream (too?), he should surely do at least half. Why doesn't he?

I know this is not what you asked, but does he add to your life? You need to do all you can to build the best life within the options you have. If he puts more strain on you, you could leave him. If he would take the boys even every other weekend, you would have time to yourself. Sounds like he doesn't do that currently. Take care.

Yes, I'm close to someone who had two healthy children and then had a profoundly disabled daughter. Apparently there's a genetic issue on her husband's side, but they rolled the dice again. (To be fair, it's possible that they didn't know that about him before it actually happened.)

I think the birth rate has fallen due to the impossibility of life today, in terms of INSANE house prices and INSANE childcare costs. Add in husbands who don't pull their weight even before kids, the rising costs of food and petrol, the high divorce rate, and I can see how many people decide it all looks way too difficult.

But I think house prices are the main driver. If they weren't so stupidly expensive, people wouldn't need stupidly expensive childcare because it would be much easier to manage on one salary until the children are at school.