To wish I’d never had children

Very few will say this because everyone thinks it’s impossible for a mother but plenty of men do it.

You are allowed to leave.

I think maybe you need a support thing for you. Like separate to your struggles from DSs. You did want to have another baby, I just wanted to clarify it wasnt like you were struggling with DS1 and coerced into another pregnacy.

Like its OK to love your kids and hate some aspects of parenting and maybe if there was support. Or even a hobby you could take up for you as a person not their parent you might feel more hopeful?

Or could you need more MH support if you have a history of PND?

No

Go away.

Genuine Qn. Considering the age gap if DS1 was so difficult why did you decide to have a 2nd?

No judgement- just curious

https://carers.org/grants-and-discounts/introduction

Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Have you ever counted all the right choices that you made for your children.
Is there any way you can reduce your hours. There is no time for you to decompress and breath.
You love your children, it is hard, things do improve.
17 year old DD is much better than she was 3 years ago. I couldn’t imagine it at one time, baby steps. Sending virtual hugs. 🥰
just to add. DH isn’t as impacted, same as my own as the children suck on me and need my input over his, it’s the way they are, I’m much more in tune with their sadness and anxiety, as a mother we want to fix it at the expense of our mh.

Stupid and unhelpful comment.

Suggest google support for carers in your local area

They may have

Places to meet up locally
Advice about respite
Discount cards
Discount holidays
Advice for future

Good luck

Please see a GP. See a very good, reputable therapist weekly to process some of this stuff and to get support going forward.
Access any scrap of support you can. Get a cleaner for a start. Book a break.

Many parents wish they had never had children, the rosey picture is not true.

FWIW I never looked at parenting my children the NT way.
If anything my mother (most likely ND) would compare me to my NT peers and expect a NT response from me if anything happened and thought that by screaming at me I was suddenly going to turn into this NT child.
It made me parent the exact opposite to her

I think to some extent comparing what you don’t have with what you do is not doing you any good
I think looking at what dc are interested in and are good at and teaching/parenting them accordingly will get better results for everyone.

I think we sometimes try to shield children from the truth
eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful

I think a calm discussion about the differences between NT and ND and how sometimes you have to behave in a certain way, say please and thank you and “mask” to fit in. It’s exhausting and confusing. Sometimes it’s better to not say anything than to say something that will annoy someone and it’s about keeping the peace and getting through the day
I used to have long discussions with dc about what could have been done or said differently if they found people or things stressful.
It helped because when they came across a similar scenario they recognised the situation and would come home feeling proud because they had replied with an appropriate response and not the comment that was on the tip of their tongue and noted that no one had been angry with them.

People might think this isn’t appropriate but a discussion on how it’s a game he needs to learn to play. Going through different responses to different scenarios as they come up.
There will be errors and mistakes along the way and a lot of situations that make their teeth itch but it’s about fitting in and not annoying people to get what they want.
Eventually they will meet people who do understand them but until then it’s about playing the NT game.

That all sounds so very hard, OP. I have no words of advice but just wanted to say, I hear you, and really hope and pray things get better for you

I had the same feeling today - after both girls stormed out. One in a huff because I reminded her to take sanity towels, the other because I gave her my posh suncream to take.
I just thought - Im running around and these spoilt little brats can't even pretend to be nice!

I just want to give you a hug OP. We have two children, only one has needs (pretty severe, in a special school) but it breaks my heart that they know what they miss out on/can’t do and we are in the depths of mental health difficulties….
I work 80% and that has been my saviour and respite because it distracts my mind from
the stress and worry. And going to the gym is non negotiable (mummy needs to get herself into the green zone!). But I have to employ expensive carers to cover after school and holiday hours as my child can’t do clubs. If funds allow can you find someone who might help for a few hours a week? Previously we’ve found students, ex TAs from SEN schools etc.

OP, you and your husband sound like wonderful parents and your children are lucky to have you. Your husband’s comment sounds well-meant to me, like “when the children grow up and leave, we can relax and be happy together again”. Optimistic, but showing his love for you.

I hope there is a happier future ahead for all of you.

I know life is hard even harder in your situation!
Just please remember thou their children they didn't ask for this either !
Imagine how they feel because even thou they have problems they will still have feelings and pick up on how your feeling 💕

You are an absolute saint, a very brave woman and a great mum. Are there any support groups near you where you can meet others in the same situation?

And thats the thing when you have disabled children your life isnt normal
My son is 16 now and is severly autstic non verbal etc
Our life is very different to most peoples lives
I had ti give up comparing our life years ago for the sake of my own mental health
What helped me was meeting people in a similar situation to us as they are the only peoole who understand .

This whole thread has had me in tears. I understand op, the feelings, all of it. I've got a severely autistic non verbal, incontinent 7 year old. I love him so much, but it's high alert all the time, constant fight or flight. I worry about what will happen when my DH and I die. I can't see the path in front so I try to focus on day to day but it's hard.

The autism comes from my DH side. I remember internally worrying about what would happen if we had children as I could see what it was like for his relatives with their adult severely autistic daughter and also a cousin and his DB is autistic too, albeit milder, would have probably been Asperger's back in the day.

My DH parents never got his brother diagnosed so he is in his 40s with no clue he has needs. But he does, and needs support with things. He still lives with my mil. Yet DH brother is able to hold down a job and has friends, albeit a small number. If our son grew up like his uncle I'd be happy but I don't see him ever being able to live independently. It's heartbreaking but I'm also angry. Then I feel guilty for feeling angry.

I see friends with all the usual stuff, the scouts weekends away, football clubs, friends, sleepovers, abroad holidays, school sports days, their wee friendships, and I wish with all my heart that was our life. I watch friends' and even strangers' 7 year olds talking away, playing, reading, writing, going to the toilet, all stuff that just "is" with most children. It's bloody hard not to wish that your child is doing all that, I grieve for the child I imagined sometimes. I'm looking into getting counselling tbh as since my mum died my feelings have got worse, I think I need to let it all out. Hopefully you can do the same. X❤️

@pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist feel better now? Superior?

You very much did want to drive the knife in and I’d suggest you spend as much time thinking what that says about the type of person you are than asking OP to blame herself, couched in ‘helpful advice’.

@thegreenlight you sound exhausted and worn down and no one with a shred of humanity would blame you.

You need support, and a break. I have to disagree that your husband is an amazing dad. A good dad would be in the trenches with you in finding support, filling the forms, sharing the soul crushing grind of the admin that comes with having SEND children in need of support.
School pick up and drop off, making costumes, ‘helping out’, refusing to acknowledge their ND is not amazing parenting. He wanted the kids, he needs to now step up to where you are to share the load. He also needs to give his head a wobble and stop with the ‘they will leave home and it will all be fine’. Even NT children are not leaving home at the same rate any more due to housing costs.

He doesn’t have the luxury of denial.

He also is the one most likely to walk away and leave you in the shit when reality hits.
You need to dig deep and have a very blunt and honest chat. You can’t continue running on empty like this and he needs to take as much responsibility as you’ve been carrying.

Good luck. I hope things get better.

I wish there was anything any of us could do to help. I hope it's helping venting in a (largely!) safe space.

Wanted to add you have some serious resilience and strength @thegreenlight
It might not feel like that to you, but you do. Many people would not be able to have done the things you have done, for so long.
You underestimate yourself x