To wish I’d never had children

I have an AUDHD son and stepdaughter who lives with us full time, I have a very happy and fulfilled life, I’m certainly not on medication or even close to needing medication for depression, anxiety or any other mood disorder.

I’m not sure it’s a good thing to imply that looking after a disabled child leads to mental health problems.

Exactly there is no easy answer but there are children involved and they only have mum and dad !
Op is the mum in this situation and yes she hasn't had it easy and I have alot of sympathy for her but she does have 2 children and they need to feel emotionally stable regardless of she is coping or not if she can't give them what they needs maybe she should look into respite care and have some help or contact social services for help ! X

You clearly don’t have children who find all aspects of daily life a struggle, who work a million times harder to achieve a fraction of what most kids take for granted, who are deeply distressed every single day and there is no way to help them. You have to fight for every bit of help in your own. You love them very much and they rely on you. One day you die then what will happen to them. You have to try to plan for that to.

When that is your every day parenting reality, it’s reasonable to feel overwhelmed and perhaps bringing them into the world was not the best thing.

You're right, but it's just adding to mum's guilt....and she has enough of that already - which is why she's probably burnt out in the first place. She cares too much if that's possible. There is no easy answer here... :(

It may be stupid to u but at the heart of the matter are 2 children who the op says she wishes she never had ! So I feel it's a valid point that these children have feelings 😞

If it helps her she should def continue. If she has a job that she hates it could be worth exploring her options to go pt/stop because she sounds like a burnout waiting to happen. I know that for some work is an escape but for some it's just adding to the burden.

Gosh op, how incredibly hard. My heart goes out to you. Just take each day as it comes, getting through each day as a win.

I don't know if you're wanting advice. I definitely think you could do with support and some sort of something for yourself. There is no magic wand, and funds/services are dwindling but I did best with Local Authorities unpaid carers support organisation and a carers assessment.
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/carers-assessment/

Sending you a HUGE hug. I don't know what else to do. You sound very committed and very loving as a parent - but also so, so sad. Maybe it helps to know that I understand how you feel, I don't believe you're a bad mother, or that you're doing anything other than giving your sons every single thing they need, physically and emotionally.

I'd maybe consider counselling to see how you can deal with the grief around the life you don't have, and maybe how to reframe your boys' achievements so you can find the little moments of pride.

But mostly - hug hugs x

Hi OP, I also have two autistic DS's and I'm also autistic. Eldest was also very difficult in a similar way to your eldest. He's 23 now and although he's still not got a job and spends most of his time in his room (he has a rare non 24 hour sleep disorder), he's actually really nice now. I think they develop a bit more empathy if you are more honest about how your feel (obviously within reason!!). Youngest DS is just about the finish a computer science degree so something good has come out of his screen addiction.

What I would say is to try to reduce the amount of energy you're throwing their way or you'll end up chronically ill. I speak from experience. I feel like the 'universe' is playing some sort of cruel practical joke on me and I often look up at the sky and shout 'Help me!!' or I get really cross at the hand I've been dealt. Thing is, I have solved a few problems, but this non 24 hour thing is beyond me. I cannot fix everything for them and don't have that much control. I see it as a lesson.

But back to your main point, I do wish I hadn't had children because they don't have much of a life, especially eldest DS. And now I'm chronically ill and trapped in this situation where I'm trying to support them financially and I currently have no income. I feel this pressure to keep going for them and I want to give up and don't want to be here. You can always message me if you want to chat (although I'm terrible at looking in inbox!!).

My husband is amazing - he really is… He does try to parent them like NT children and it’s not always helpful.

How does this declaration that your husband is amazing match up with your earlier statement that you are the one fighting for additional help for the kids all by yourself?

When you said that I actually assumed like some others probably did, that you worked part time or were a SAHM.

The fact you now say you also work full-time makes his lack of involvement worse.

Why isn’t he doing more for the kids? In what way is he amazing?

I'm not sure that is helpful to OP.

That would be all we have in common and I’m exhausted dealing with it for myself and always get put upon to write emails/fill out forms/ make suggestions for people as I used to be a teacher and I can barely deal with my own situation let alone anyone elses

It's exhausting enough for you as you're managing all this by yourself with little help from your husband. Who are the people adding to your stress? They need to stop asking you to do things for them.

She should keep working. If she’s anything like me, work will be her escape. Sitting around ruminating at home while they’re at school will make her feel ten times worse.

Well I’ll disagree back because I also have a child with SEN and I don’t resent him or hate parenting him whatsoever. I still work FT in an intense role, as does DH and we have four older NT DC including teens going through GCSEs to contend with.

Our lives are very full and testing but we love being parents and it makes it a lot easier. We have little in the way of family support too. If I was pushed into parenting and felt pressured into it as OP described, I imagine my DC’s SEN would be far far more challenging to handle.

Yes it's because you love them with your whole being that you feel this burden so deeply. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this op.
I would look at alternatives if current NHS help hasn't helped....??
Sorry I can't be of more help
Sending you huge hugs 🫂
https://www.neuronic.online/blog/autism-light-therapy-pbm-research

@thegreenlight Sorry if my question is tonedeaf- but do you have to work? I honestly couldn't hold down a job with all the worries with DS1. Luckily DHs salary is enough for us even though he's not a high earner with mn standards(70k/y). Like you I'm responsible for my children but that's my "job" so no resentment that DH is less invested (he also doesn't "get them" as I do). You sound like you are heading for burnout so atleast consider your options. If your dc get DLA and you get carer's maybe it's viable?

This is why we stopped at one - we just felt too lucky to jinx it.

I was similar, I told DP if he wanted children fine, but he would have to take the time off with them, while i went back to my career. I didn't want to be with them all day when they were tiny, because I didn't fancy it.
I said i would do more of the heavy lifting once they were at school.
He decided that he was happy to live without children, and we have no regrets.

What a great post.

I don't have SEN kids, but have often felt completely at the end of my rope. No shame in saying this.

Every SEN mum I know is on meds for anxiety or depression. That’s not a coincidence. It’s very hard, and relentless.

I have 16 yr old twins, both autistic. DS still in nappies. One if not both will be with me for life. I’m AuDHD too. I say this just to underline that I do understand.

You sound stuck wishing for a life you never had. I really think counselling would help because although it won’t change your reality, it would help you to work through those feelings of grief and resentment.

I sometimes think I’m quite lucky actually. I read posts on here from parents trying to navigate typical teen angst and dramas and I’m grateful that I’m never going to have to deal with that.

My DC aren’t going to parties and getting drunk, they’re not at risk of taking drugs, I don’t have to stress about sex/teen pregnancies. No panicking because they’re not at a friend’s house where they said they would be. (And no judgement implied at all - I was a wayward teen that probably drive my DM to the brink of insanity!)

The way I see it is yes, it’s harder in many ways, but in others, it’s easier. Swings and roundabouts.

And although you are still in the trenches at the moment, I bet it was even harder when they were younger. I find that it’s easy to forget how hard things were before because you’re too ground down trying to deal with the here and now,

Yes, your DC may be with you for longer but you sound as if you have a great plan for that. It does get easier as they mature - and you won’t have the constant battle with the LA/schools either. That is so incredibly draining. You probably don’t even realise how much it takes out of you. I didn’t until I didn’t have to do it any more.

I think your GP needs to review your meds as you sound incredibly depressed. You could also ask about counselling at the same time although if you have the finances private counselling is a better option.

Connecting with other SEN parents would really really help you. And maybe your DC too. If you’re in Gloucestershire, DM me.

Also, are you ND too? That’s something worth considering.

I know it’s hard to see right now but it sounds as if your DC have lots of positive attributes. It’s just hard to see that right now because you’re feeling so overwhelmed.

People always tell me to do something for me too but I find it hard and just another thing that I’m not achieving. But what I have found happiness in is sticking my AirPods in and going for a walk for an hour. Simple, easy, flexible - but I really miss it when I don’t do it.

Sending 💐

I think your first step would be to seek counselling alongside the antidepressants you are already taking.
Parenting is tough, parenting SEN children can be soul destroying.
When my eldest was diagnosed with Autism I cried with relief that it wasn’t something I was doing wrong, he was genuinely struggling but also with a sadness because his life would be that bit harder.
It sounds as though you only had the children to keep your DH and in hindsight that probably wasn’t the right course of action, because it’s set up a situation which is/has caused resentment.
You are also grieving for the children you thought your children would be, on top of your struggles.
Your DH is right to a certain extent, life will become easier once the demands of schooling etc decrease and they find their place in world, however that looks like for them.
I don’t think it’s healthy to keep looking backwards, which is why you need to speak to someone.
Neurodiversity not always, but usually has a genetic aspect. My eldest is very similar to my own Dad and Brother, and some of his struggles mirror my own anxieties.

I'm so sorry op, that is really tough! I wish I had some helpful advice but I sincerley hope things get better for you and your whole family.

You don’t deserve a kicking at all. OP I really feel for you. Parenting is really hard and you didn’t cause any of this. Haven’t read TFT but could you look into counselling for yourself. You sound exhausted and lonely.

Hello op
I think we have chatted on a different thread ,as I'm in the same boat as you except 15 years ahead of you
I didn't feel like that when they were younger
But I do now .I don't think it really sunk in untill recently,that this is my life and it's not going to get better ..when I look back I can see my life ground to a halt the minute he was born ..and then the other one just made things so much worse.
I've devoted my life to making them happy ..and making sure their needs are 100% met ,and that included horrendous battles with schools and the LEA..so many battles my mental health is shot to pieces...but mine have had an excellent education ..but I'm not sure the price I paid mentally was worth it all.
Anyway..this isn't about me ..it's your thread ..
But the only advice I've got for anyone in my/ your situation is .. prioritise yourself..100% you must prioritise yourself..for exercise,for treats ,for bath with a glass of wine ,for nice clothes,for a spa day for a haircut or a tattoo or swim or a gym session
That's where I went wrong..and that's how resentment builds ..
Take care x