To wish I’d never had children

this is a good point....go and read the many threads that most ND kids with high needs never leave

do you not feel any love at all for them? I think it’s quite unusual but maybe id feel similar in your shoes. Are the feelings only recently or persistent since the birth?

im interested as i have an autistic 4yr old. His behaviour can be embarrassing. He’s non verbal and grunts/ makes noises. Awful meltdowns and can be violent to me and other children. With the EHCP business - i’m also battling and it’s exhausting trying to get him a specialist school place. My life feels limited and restricted - I used to love travel but it would be impossible. Iv been advised he will likely be in nappies long term and his basic care needs are extremely hard work

But despite the challenges, there is still a bond and I I don’t regret him (although i might say different if caught on a bad day). There are times every day when we share joy together - he loves the park, an ice cream, to see a castle or beach, he loves a cuddle on his terms when in the right mood etc, he likes to read the same book repetitively every bed time, he loves to dance (very awkwardly) to his favourite nursery rhymes.

I feel I have accepted that my parenting experience is and will be very different to the normal parenting experience. I try not to compare him to other children his age - he might never win awards or obtain a GCSE but there’s more to life than our productivity. He might not be capable of independence. But i’ll do my best to support him to fulfil whatever potential he has - even if this is quite a low level

Also he’s taught me empathy and compassion for the disabled/ Send children and their families. and i don’t think that’s a bad thing either

I think many parents regret having children it’s just that parents and especially Mothers are not allowed to articulate it. I have one friend who wishes she hadn’t had children and they were relatively easy kids. She was very honest about it, really they didn’t need children as they were enough for each other, it just seemed like the next step. I think the fact you have children that have additional needs just compounds everything because you do not see any future highs mixed with the lows.

I admit to not having a clue to what I would do in your shoes. You are allowed to be pissed off and don’t feel guilty.

I don't know, and definitely can't offer any solutions, but I want to send you a mega ton of emotional support.

I really feel for you as parenting is hard even with well behaved children.

I would start planning way ahead as it’s likely these kids may be with you well into adulthood as so many autistic kids can’t make it in this world. Forget the nonsense about superpowers but if someone can’t get the very basics right of simply behaving then there’s big trouble ahead.

I can’t offer any specific advice but would recommend doing lots of research and not just on the conventional path.

OP I really feel for you, it sounds like you have given up your teaching career which must make it even harder. I had a colleague with 2 autistic kids and a husband who worked away and she ended up burning out and leaving work.
I would agree joining support groups for autistic parents probably isn’t the way to go, my ex colleague found they were very draining, but can you join a hobby group where you might make some friends where your kids won’t be all you have in common?
It sounds like you and your DH both need a break, can you get some respite care? Do you have a family member of friend that could stay with them, so you could go away together, if not maybe take it in turns for a weekend away each on your own.

You absolutely do not deserve a kicking for admitting that being a parent to 2 challenging children hasn’t bought you the joy others experience.
You’re being really honest and that takes a lot of courage.
I’m only sorry you’ve had such a rough ride of it and that your husband doesn’t seem to be shouldering very much of the burden especially when he was the one pushing to have them. I don’t have any advice but I just know you won’t be alone in your feelings 💐

I hear you OP. I wish I hadn't had any either. People don't understand the slog of ND kids.

I did do a laugh at your husband's comments though. Why is he so sure they're going to grow up and leave home? I just see a lifetime of care in my world.

You don't deserve it at all, OP, it's just a rotten hand life has dealt you.

I wonder if some counselling might help you?

If you left your husband you could have some time off from the boys… easier to cope with them when it’s only 50% of the time.

The problem with encouraging screen activities and nothing else is they MAY go on to study engineering like your DS, or they might end up gaming in their parents box room for life, developing ‘anxiety’ as they never do anything else or interact with the outside world

Don’t plaster on a smile. That’s just another burden to manage. Be authentic with other people (like you’ve been here on MN) - they are either with you, or not worth it. Vulnerability is nothing to be ashamed of. People respond to it in surprising ways. No one will kick you, as you’re kicking yourself hard enough! Be kind to yourself op. 💐

Gosh, no-one sounds happy, so things have to change.
Firstly why are your son's sports and friends so important to you? Who gives a toot about play dates? You don't need mum friends, make friends at work or at the gym.

I'm sure when he is coding or playing Minecraft or watching youtube, your ds is happy. Isn't that enough? What is he good at? He needs to know you love him and are proud of him.
My ds was much the same, few friends, hated parties and play dates. No sport, very bright, going to study engineering. I'm proud of him every day and I'm sure he'll meet his tribe reading engineering.

Look at the things your ds CAN do and focus on those. Drawing, coding, Roblox, good with animals or science or whatever, encourage him and take pride in those things. Tell him how proud you are.

Maybe see a gp about your low mood. And book at least one afternoon a week to yourself- swim, sauna, yoga, eating cake - but just for you. Leave your dh in charge.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP. For reasons unknown this is now a really common scenario. Just look at this website - so many posts like yours.

OP it sounds really hard, I am so sorry it's been such a struggle. I hope things become easier. Wishing you well 🫂

I remember another poster on here with a disabled DC saying ‘I lost everything to being a mother, and gained very little in return’ and that always stuck with me. You’re obviously not the only person feeling this way. 💐

That sounds very tough and I’m empathetic to your situation. Parenting now just seems SO much harder than when I was younger. Every other person has children with EBSA, tricky neurodivergence, anxiety or some other condition that has the poor parent lying awake at night wondering how they will survive the coming years.

We have a handful of such cases in our own family and the parents are completely drained and all out of ideas. I feel we need to warn people now before having a baby, for the very real possibility they will need eternal parenting and be very difficult to manage and probably never fully independent.

How on earth have we got here.

So sorry

That especially doesn't help when you are the only one doing the support work, hr needs to be involved, to do his share.