To wish I’d never had children

As a mum to 3 children who are neuro divergent, I just wanted to say you're spot on with your answer, it's all about seeing what they can do, and taking pride in the smallest achievements. Their achievements are there if you take a step back & look even things like getting their own clothes on or brushing their teeth on their own, eating something that they don't normally eat are all achievements! And the way I look at it you have to give yourself a break too, you have to take a break sometimes and do something for you otherwise you having nothing left to give others.

As neuro divergence is normally genetic, have you considered whether you may also be neuro divergent and that may be making your struggle even harder. It took our kids being diagnosed for us to look at ourselves and realise where they got it from.

So sorry OP 😔 xx

I just wanted to say what a lovely response and much better than I could have written.

Can your GP help with some sort of respite or medical support or both? I hope I have expressed that sensitively. I mean that you are clearly absolutely exhausted and need help. I’m sorry OP.

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My heart goes out to you OP. Moment by moment. I don't have anything to say except to offer solidarity.

I feel your pain Op.

it’s a thankless job and I wish I hadn’t had any either.

So hard isn't it. I am kinship carer for ND grandson and there are times I just want to walk away. I won't.
What help are you getting ? You are clearly depressed please reach out to the GP and you must see what support services are available in your area.

Your boys deserve the best version of you. And you deserve to be happy too.
X

I hear you, I have no advice- my DD is older, mh issues, years of self harm, an eating disorder, drink, drugs, multiple boyfriends, going out and disappearing all night, I could go on - the last 5 years I have been in a constant state of anxiety with heightened responses and stressed out of my mind. My marriage has nearly ended twice because of her and her temper/ aggression.

My only saving grace is that somehow she has held down a job for 18 months. It’s the only thing I cling onto. Like you, I love her so much…. but good god its been awful.

I am just so sorry its so hard for you, you are a fantastic mum who is absolutely doing her best!!

You don't deserve a kicking. It's the last thing you deserve. You deserve some time to yourself and to be looked after for once. Agree with the poster who said that you should leave the boys with your husband at least once a week and go and do something nice for yourself.
And it's absolutely possible to love your children with every fibre of your being and to wish you hadn't had children. I hope things get easier, OP.

Can relate to all this…including people’s perception of me as a cheerful positive person. Our child came along after years of infertility and I feel so much guilt that after all that heartbreak and stress, 99% of the time I don’t really enjoy being a parent.

I’ve formed some lovely friendships amongst a group of other SEND parents in my local area. We message daily in a WhatsApp group and some of us formed in person friendships where we meet regularly with and without the kid. I found it through a parent sharing the link on local fb group and was dubious at first. I honestly think I’d have cracked up completely by now if it wasn’t for that group chat!

As a lifelong fence-sitter in my early 30's, occasionally I feel like I could be swayed or that I should succumb to the peer pressure to procreate. I know this isn't helpful to you OP and I feel for you, but posts like these remind me that I don't actually want children at all, in the slightest.

I think women who are agonising over their decision to become a mother whose stance is not 100% "yes" should pay attention to posts such as this; having a child is irreversible and living with that decision is a lifelong commitment. Your ghastly husband essentially coerced you into having 2 children that you never wanted and gave you an ultimatum.

How devoid of imagination do you have to be to write something so tone deaf?
My kids are NT but it's really not a huge leap for me to empathise with op.

I never went to groups, nor even churches which say are there for you but when you go, they just stare at you under microscope and all they do is asking probing questions and imply there must be something with you having the life you have...

Of course it's not anything you have done. I am so sorry. It's unfair. I hope you get help.

You are grieving for what could have been. Are you able to spesk to your GP about counselling?

@thegreenlight You sound absolutely drained. Can you see a therapist on your own just for you? Someone who can listen and support you and where you are allowed to express all "ugly feelings" that we almost don't want to admit to ourselves.

My DS1 ASD is 16 now. He's always been hard work but the worst was btw 12-14 when he wasn't able to go to school anymore even with 1:1 support. Puberty messed him up really badly and the psychiatrists tried all kind of antipsychotics and antidepressants. Nothing really worked - I think it was due to hormones. He's not easy now but atleast he's not violent anymore. I contemplated suicide many times because every day was just misery and I thought it would never get better. But I have DS2 as well so can't just opt out. And it did get better so please have hope. Take all help you can get and make sure you take turns with your dh so you both get some time off alone. It's really really tough what you're going through and don't beat yourself up for regretting having kids. You're so exhausted and drained that ofcourse you regret it right now- anyone would. I did. I sometimes do when DS1 has one of his exhausting fits. But we have to hang in there and carve out some joy in the middle of the war we seem to live in in order to survive.💐

All I can say is: I have accepted already my life is not like everybody else and just do my own thing, go out as a family, come back, have nice food, nice holidays, etc...I don't care what other people do and do not look for approval, friendships etc

I feel for you op. My son is profoundly autistic and is now in a care home as an adult. I was close to suicide trying to cope as a single mum. I used to dread every single day. I understand how hard it is and i used to wonder what id done so wrong in life to end up in that situation. I gave everything but got very little back. My son was/is violent at times. Been told I have ptsd from parenting due to the violence. No answers but I totally get it.

And i agree with a pp- everyone should think hard about their capability for caring for a disabled child before having kids because cases seem to be on the rise.

Focus on the positive and stop dwelling on things you can't change. Reframe things in your mind, if you feel them too much then try not to, a thread with people affirming they regret their kids, that many parents regret theirs and how it's so hard is just so negative and unhelpful. Take a leaf from DH's book be more laid back about it, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. What good is you feeling it so badly you'll hurt your health and you won't be a good mum or wife. You can only do so much every 24 hours for your kids and there is no point reliving what ifs. You are wasting energy thinking i wish and i wish. These days you can meet supportive mums online, your kids have each other so the no play dates wont affect them as much as, or you could maybe link up with mums who want a playdate for their kids with SEN. Try to be more practical and separate whats within your scope and responsibility and what is beyond you.

I have an ND child and she is very easy....but even she has had periods with massive health challenges and long periods of wining and moaning to the grind. He said few times he cannot cope anymore. I told him to either brace himself and be a man, or leave, tonight. I also did everything for her therapies,etc

This sounds so hard, OP. I am sorry.

I feel for you. Similar situation, but doesn’t sound quite as bad (though the fact we have 2 x EHCPs tells you it’s not that good either!). I often have fantasies about life without children. And the 100,000s of pounds I would have back for my own frivolities.

We do have some good times though and I try to take some joy from that. Trips and outside adventures work best for us. And I also try not to beat myself up too much - there is only so much I can do. I can’t make them do well at school. I don’t expect them to have amazing careers (or maybe any career for one of them). I sincerely hope for all our sakes that they will be able to leave home as young adults…

Most of my friends are high achievers with their kids heading the same way. But comparison is the thief of joy and all that

Would your eldest be able to join a swimming class?

My ds is 11 we found a Sen youth club and it’s been amazing. Finally somewhere where he is included and accepted.