To wish I’d never had children

@Mumtobabyhavoc a helpful and well thought out post.

OP, ignore some of the dross on here.

Wow. Please don't ever become a counsellor. A disgraceful lack of empathy. Shame on you. OP came here for support, not a kicking. OP loves her child with every fibre of her being FFS, but she is allowed to also feel despairing given her situation.

Just to crystal clear, what I said was “Every SEN mum I know is on meds for anxiety or depression. That’s not a coincidence. It’s very hard, and relentless.”

Every SEN mum “I” know. That’s within my personal circle and within the not-for-profit SEN group I ran which provided specialised support to families in our area. It is anecdotal and we all speak from our own experience.

Your most recent post indicates your child has low support needs and only has “occasional” support needs.

I don’t have families like yours in my social circle - all my friends have children with needs that range from medium-high to profound. As do mine. And the group I ran would have been at the even higher end of that too. So perhaps less surprising that my experiences are different than yours.

The “sweeping statement” you keep referencing as “not being helpful” was me talking about my personal experiences. However offensive you find this fact doesn’t stop it from being true.

And if there are parents with SEN children who have medium/high/profound needs that don’t need/haven’t needed mental health support of some kind then that’s absolutely brilliant for them. I mean that genuinely and wholeheartedly. I never claimed to speak for every parent - I was simply sharing my personal experience of the very many strong, intelligent, practical women who have all needed to take medication.

But not being able to cope carries a lot of shame and stigma. And I think the opposite of what you’re saying is true - I actually think that hearing that many other parents in similar positions also needed antidepressant medication is helpful. If you’re struggling, hearing about other SEN parents who have needed help in some way can give you “permission” to say “I’m not coping” or “I’m feeling incredibly stressed and can’t go on like this.”

Bearing in mind the OP is also on medication but clearly still struggling with her mental health, it’s particularly relevant here. When you’re at rock bottom, I think it’s helpful to hear that you’re not the only one to have/had those feelings and you’re not weak, or a failure. Hearing that other families are coping just fine just makes you feel even more shit, and increases your feelings isolation, and underlines your beliefs that you are just a crap parent (which is almost always never the case). Of course, it’s great if other parents are doing well, but that’s not always what helps you the most when you’re down - it’s the voices of solidarity that often mean the most.

We’ll just need to agree to disagree on this in the strongest possible terms.

Agree, it also depends on care needs, and I will admit the care needs for ours are low beyond some occasional emotional and social support.

ND is a spectrum after all, I’m just not sure a sweeping statement that most people who have SEN children are on medication or depressed is helpful… and speaking anecdotally, none of the SEN parents I know are depressed or taking medication, but that is caveated by the fact our kids all have low support needs.

It's a mixed bag. It relieves a lot of pressure but work outside home also provides a break and a sense of achievement and personhood separate from the family. Probably even more important when you're in it for the long haul.

I'm not working at the moment (dealing with adult disabled child who isn't as complicated as some, so easier to find bright points and do lovely things with them that I enjoy) but I do miss the ability to work sometimes. If I could find a job one day a week I'd do it, but those jobs are so rare.

Last night I dreamed I had taken on a full time job. On one hand it was great, but within a few hours of starting, I was thinking of my child at home alone and already planning to resign. Even in my dreams the conflict exists.

I'd be cautious about giving it up altogether but going very part-time might be a good middle option.

Op you deserve a medal ! . Could you have a day / afternoon off each week , leave the kids with DH or perhaps a carer?. Just so you get regular breaks? time to do something you like or just to be quiet with no one to think about but yourself ? My heart goes out to you hope things improve x

I'm not on medication either. I am quite selfish in carving out time for myself. To do the things that keep me sane.

However. Just because life is pretty steady for you now, doesn't mean it'll stay like that. Life has a way of knocking us on our arses. Our partners die, we get older, life changing incidents happen. We see our adult child(ren) who is/are going to probably outlive us, that sort of stress takes its toll eventually. It's not the sort of thing you can take for granted

@thegreenlight
Maybe you can get some help and info here:

https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory/neurothrive

https://parentingspecialchildren.co.uk/parents-carers/support-groups/neurodivergent-parent-carer-support-group/

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/human-resources/equality-diversity-inclusion-committees-and-networks/parents-and-carers-together/parents-and-carers

My suggeztion would be that you join a group and you dh joins another. You both need to have your own spaces to vent.

Could you be ND, too?

https://www.theneurodiversitypractice.com/parents

Sanctimony is not helpful, Florence.

@tallulahlulah and others who have posted about adult children in supported living. I have worked in this area as a support worker and just wanted to say that we try really hard to support adults to be as independent as possible whilst giving them the help they need with day to day living. Everything is designed to be 'person centred' and I have to say that we had a lot of laughs on a daily basis as well as dealing with challenging behaviour. I have also worked in a day opportunities centre which was attended by lots of older adults some of whom still lived with elderly parents. It will be so difficult for those older adults to adapt to living in a new environment when their parents die. Those of us with NT children expect our children to move out when they become young adults and ND children should have the same opportunities without the parents feeling any guilt. Those of us in the sector will do our very best to support your children whatever their age.

Moping? depression is moping?

I can share one thing: I dont sit around moping and crying over something that happened and that I can't change, wishing my life away.

I can also share that I love my kid no matter how difficult and "abnormal" his behaviour is, and I generally dont give a shit about him not being like everyone else.

I think (hope) it was a joke....?

Another gem from a caring individual. 🙄

@thegreenlight

Thank you for your extreme honesty. Please, I would urge you to read up on blocked care and secondary trauma. You are clearly trying to pour from an empty cup. I recognise so much of what you write. Sending you care, sympathy, empathy and solidarity.

The children have feelings but right now as a woman and a Mum my heart goes out to OP.

She can't send them back. She can invest in herself.

I’m happy for you, genuinely.

I used to run a local SEN group and my circle is entirely made up of SEN mums. I don’t know anyone who isn’t taking medication. You might not like what I’m saying and that’s your prerogative. But it doesn’t make what I said any less true.

And if you read the rest of my post I was actually really positive about raising ND children.

But let’s not pretend that raising SEN children isn’t incredibly stressful - and I don’t even mean because of the children. Again, as I mentioned in my previous comment, trying to get the right provision for them is utterly exhausting. And for some parents, the fight against the LA and/or the school can go on for YEARS. Add in the financial pressures of many SEN parents not being able to work a 9-5 regular job because their child needs more support and regular childcare not being available to SEN children, and the current rhetoric around slashing benefits and “autistic children just need proper parenting” and you have the perfect storm.

If you have been able to navigate all of this unblemished, you’re lucky. And that’s great for you. But that’s certainly not the case for the majority and I don’t think it’s helpful for the OP or others in trying to pretend otherwise.

Why would you be torn to shreds? Someone should walk quite a few miles in your shoes before commenting shouldn´t they?
I think you found the best solution all round for your adult son.

If you read my post, clearly it is only a suggestion which some parents may not be aware is an option.
not sure why you have a bee in your bonnet about my comment? The op is struggling and I simply offered something that may be worth looking into, that’s all… every case in different and unique clearly however as op is sounding desperate, showing that there could be potential solutions to help, not sure why that’s a bad thing

What you've described sounds very difficult but I wouldn't say it's not worthwhile. You're probably burnt out with the effort physically, emotionally and mentally that comes with raising SEND children. You can regret having them but you can't change it. I'm sorry OP, I hope that you find some ways your efforts have been worthwhile, I'm sure your boys think your effort has been worth it, you will be their whole world.

OP hasn't said she doesn't love her kids. You keep saying that.

And completely genuinely and perhaps a different thread so as not to hijack this one. If you have genuinely had a child like the ones we are describing and he now has a "successful career" - I would like to know how and what that looks like. I didn't think it was possible.

Blimey, I think you were joking... 😳😖

Just walk out and leave them all. Send maintenance. Or not.
Change your name and move country.
Life's short.

Actually I do ! I have a grown up son with ADHD he has a successful career and he has struggled all throu school social.situations abusing cannabis and even had OCD ! It's hard I am not saying it isn't !
But these children no matter how your feeling need to feel like they matter and loved ! No matter what they can and can't do u should be proud !!

I’m so sorry OP. You don’t deserve a kicking at all.

you definitely need to prioritise yourself and do something for yourself only. Have your own friends just for yourself.

i also think it’s unfair that your husband is dealing with 0% SEN fight and aspects. You need to reassign some tasks to him and drop the rope.
In fact you may need to just allow to drop the rope a bit in general on the accommodation and etc SEN battle. It doesn’t look like it’s really making a massive difference so maybe temporarily at least you can allow yourself that?

It would be also good if you had access to therapy just for yourself.