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Original poster

To not make my 4yo wear clothes at home?

135 replies

Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 17:59

4.5yo has always been a bit 'sensory', but for some reason it's really ramped up in the last couple of months and it's got to the point where we can't get her dressed in the morning if it's the weekend/for an outing. Currently travels naked in the car to preschool, wrap her in a towel and her teachers get her dressed inside the door (just T-shirt/shorts) 🙈 She seems to manage fine with them on all day, then will generally keep them on in the evening after nursery (we recently had the same T-shirt on 3 days straight 😬)

It's prolonged screaming/meltdown if we try at home, I've tried many times to just whip on a pair of shorts and pick her up/walk off, but it's thrashing/screaming/kicking/biting/scratching and pulling them down as soon as she's able to, lots of lots of dysregulation, up to 1.5hr bouts for other reasons (if she gets the clothes off she's generally ok again quickly) - general limits or things not going her way will also set her off.

Extends to other areas too, just started refusing nighttime pullup as well (luckily she seems to be mostly night training herself in the process there..!)

I'm not sure if we're setting her up for failure by 'letting' her go naked at home? It's got to the point where she sometimes wants to go out, but just can't deal with any clothes on, which is the part that concerns me/makes me sad.
Possibly related to impending school start, her big sis already goes to it, so she's very aware of change soon.. Extra needs or just exerting control where she can?

It's getting exhausting and I'm wondering where all this ends up..Had an initial chat with HV but no magic wands waved.

Thanks so much for any thoughts!!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 21/05/2026 23:56

PissedOffAutistic · 21/05/2026 23:43

It does sound like it could be the transitions. It's worth trying putting fresh pants and t shirt on her at bed time and she just keeps the same ones on next day. She could even change them during the day if she feels up to it.

This is a good idea.

Does she wear PJ's? If so letting her keep those on would be better than her being naked.

MmeDubois7 · 21/05/2026 23:46

How on earth do teachers have time for this? This is not sustainable. Other children will start to laugh. You need to sort this out before she much older.

PissedOffAutistic · 21/05/2026 23:43

It does sound like it could be the transitions. It's worth trying putting fresh pants and t shirt on her at bed time and she just keeps the same ones on next day. She could even change them during the day if she feels up to it.

Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 23:27

PurpleThistle7 · 21/05/2026 22:58

I’ve done a lot of things throughout the years - my daughter is 13 now. It’s probably worth you looking up common traits for autistic girls. It often presents quite differently than what you are mentioning about stimming etc. My daughter has situational mutism and is autistic but gets very, very quiet when she’s anxious about something and is a massive people pleaser. Then she has huge, huge meltdowns either when she gets home (safe space) or when something pushes her way too far. Lots of feelings about lights and noise and fabrics and textures of food, not the stereotypical autistic presentation from books and movies.

Show quote history

Thank you for this. Will have a look. Was aware of differences with girls but for some reason didn't want to jump to a label, I guess a bit of stigma or just thinking it's a temporary patch. It's slowly sinking in that it's quite an extreme situation though, we're lucky to have various factors that 'soften the impact' so we've managed, just about..but seeing the impact on her and what she wants to do is making me sad 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 23:23

Pineapplewhip · 21/05/2026 23:13

OP what are the consequences of her kicking, screaming and thrashing about in a car park - to the point you are in tears? It seems you've tried a very kindly understanding approach - maybe its time for a more old fashioned approach where she actually experiences some consequences to her behaviour. If there are no consequences you are teaching her that she will get her way - she just needs to keep kicking off until you cave in.

Well, the consequences are that's she's taken into nursery when she's dysregulated? I'm not really sure what you're suggesting, that I beat the dysregulation out of her or something..? The consequences of the meltdown in the carpark on the outing was that we went home again as she couldn't put/keep any clothes on, she was really sad about it as she'd wanted to go. Are you suggesting further punishment once at home? That doesn't seem in any universe to me like it would help her get dressed. Have your children had these specific kinds of issues out of interest?

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 23:17

DivorcedAndDelighted · 21/05/2026 22:42

Most GPs will not have much useful advice to offer here, having neither the time or the training to deal with a specific behavioural issue like this - though they can offer a referral. And some of the advice I've had from health visitors over the years (large family...) has been OK, but plenty has also been outdated or ill thought-out. OP is more likely to get helpful advice and idea here than from those sources IME.

Edited
Show quote history

This has already been much more helpful than anywhere else, like you say ❤️ Having been told it's a 9m+ wait for a paediatric referral, I'm not holding out much hope from 'the system'..luckily we have some funds to throw at it if need be.

OP posts:
DoloresDelEriba · 21/05/2026 23:16

Pineapplewhip · 21/05/2026 23:13

OP what are the consequences of her kicking, screaming and thrashing about in a car park - to the point you are in tears? It seems you've tried a very kindly understanding approach - maybe its time for a more old fashioned approach where she actually experiences some consequences to her behaviour. If there are no consequences you are teaching her that she will get her way - she just needs to keep kicking off until you cave in.

This.

Pineapplewhip · 21/05/2026 23:13

OP what are the consequences of her kicking, screaming and thrashing about in a car park - to the point you are in tears? It seems you've tried a very kindly understanding approach - maybe its time for a more old fashioned approach where she actually experiences some consequences to her behaviour. If there are no consequences you are teaching her that she will get her way - she just needs to keep kicking off until you cave in.

blythet · 21/05/2026 23:00

RaincloudSundae · 21/05/2026 18:49

Just a gentle reminder to everyone to please be mindful of how much specific, personal information we share about our children on public, anonymous threads. It’s always best to stick to seeking professional advice from your HV or GP for these kinds of complex behavioural concerns.

Edited

I don’t see the problem. You’ve said yourself it’s an anonymous forum……and OP seems to be getting some really sound advice.
what are the risks from this post? What are you worried about?

PurpleThistle7 · 21/05/2026 22:58

Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 20:23

Thanks for your thoughts, this is kind of reassuring but also a bit of a concern that we're not going mad..and it is pretty extreme 😔 What age was she when she started the therapy? NHS or private? Thank you. The HV will request a paediatric referral but apparently it's 9m+ wait, or 2yrs+ if it's initiated once she's started school so not much help for now..

Show quote history

I’ve done a lot of things throughout the years - my daughter is 13 now. It’s probably worth you looking up common traits for autistic girls. It often presents quite differently than what you are mentioning about stimming etc. My daughter has situational mutism and is autistic but gets very, very quiet when she’s anxious about something and is a massive people pleaser. Then she has huge, huge meltdowns either when she gets home (safe space) or when something pushes her way too far. Lots of feelings about lights and noise and fabrics and textures of food, not the stereotypical autistic presentation from books and movies.

Garman · 21/05/2026 22:46

This does sound like a struggle with the transition, possibly PDA? The demand of getting dressed is just too much at home when she can be dysregulated, but at school she wants to get on with the next step and it’s not her family/where she can let it all out so she gets on with it and does it. It is extreme tbf, we would’ve had the start of this but tbh clothes outside the house were never optional, mine wouldn’t be going anywhere naked and in a towel to school, I’d have dealt with the meltdowns and physically stopping her from removing them. To exist in the world she has to wear clothes 🤷🏻‍♀️

NotAnotherScarf · 21/05/2026 22:44

I hated wearing clothes for a while between 5 and 8 years old. Would strip to my pants and vest soon as I got in. Also hated wearing socks....still do really. Not autistic or anything, just hated the feeling of material against my arms or legs.

I still get a nails on blackboard feeling if certain material touches my mouth or someone rubs material together say to remove a mark on trousers

DivorcedAndDelighted · 21/05/2026 22:42

RaincloudSundae · 21/05/2026 18:49

Just a gentle reminder to everyone to please be mindful of how much specific, personal information we share about our children on public, anonymous threads. It’s always best to stick to seeking professional advice from your HV or GP for these kinds of complex behavioural concerns.

Edited

Most GPs will not have much useful advice to offer here, having neither the time or the training to deal with a specific behavioural issue like this - though they can offer a referral. And some of the advice I've had from health visitors over the years (large family...) has been OK, but plenty has also been outdated or ill thought-out. OP is more likely to get helpful advice and idea here than from those sources IME.

Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 22:37

FiveCustardTarts · 21/05/2026 20:58

https://www.twinkl.co.uk Has a lot of social stories and templates, and now/next boards. I think you can get a free trial for the paid for stuff, but if you know any primary teachers they quite likely have a subscription.

Ah good idea, thank you 👍🏻 Twinkl for the win!

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 22:37

Hairyfairy01 · 21/05/2026 20:56

In answer to your question, no this isn’t normal. Does she has any other sensory issues, food, temperature, noise? It sounds really tough OP. My ds is ASD and had some issues, but not to this extreme.

Thanks, heating that it's more extreme than kids with a ND diagnosis is a bit of a wake-up call tbh..I think we've been hoping it'll just pass but no sign of that yet. Yes to food sensitivity (very picky eater), not with noise/temperature though. It sounds like we'd be justified in pushing for help, I'd just been thinking this was just another parenting hurdle..but I guess if it's outside the range of normal it's ok to seek help 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
FiveCustardTarts · 21/05/2026 20:58

https://www.twinkl.co.uk Has a lot of social stories and templates, and now/next boards. I think you can get a free trial for the paid for stuff, but if you know any primary teachers they quite likely have a subscription.

Hairyfairy01 · 21/05/2026 20:56

In answer to your question, no this isn’t normal. Does she has any other sensory issues, food, temperature, noise? It sounds really tough OP. My ds is ASD and had some issues, but not to this extreme.

Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 20:49

mathanxiety · 21/05/2026 20:44

Have you tried a 'social story'?

Make a laminated booklet with photos of her getting up, getting dressed, leaving the house, getting into the car, traveling, getting out of the car, and entering school, then her teachers and friends.

Go over this with her.

Show quote history

Thank you - this was the one takeaway from the HV visit yesterday, it's next up on the to-do list 👍🏻 It feels like she knows the order of things very well, but just can't manage it for whatever reason, I think from comments here we need to look at support with transitions specifically..

OP posts:
Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 20:46

chirrupybird · 21/05/2026 20:41

Tell them they have to get dressed to do x, y, z that they like or they don't get to do it. I don't know how you got to this position, it should never have been allowed in the first place.

Doesn't sound like you've ever had this issue then..🙄 Yes, funnily enough we've tried that and has ended up in tears all round, she's been desperate to do things, but can't put/keep the clothes on. Maybe if you don't have experience in this area refrain from commenting..?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/05/2026 20:44

Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 20:37

I think you might've hit the nail on the head, this really resonates - all we get if we ask her is 'It's annoying' and we know she can apparently cope with the clothes all day at nursery fine - she doesn't rip them off when she gets home and in fact I had a battle the other day removing her t-shirt for bed as it was covered in jam (the irony!). Any ideas how to help her deal with the transitions? I do wonder if it's connected to a general anticipation of the upcoming change, she did say the other day 'I'm not leaving nursery!' I think she feels really at home at the nursery and it's maybe partly sadness at leaving coming out?! They're complicated little people even at this age aren't they 🥺

Show quote history

Have you tried a 'social story'?

Make a laminated booklet with photos of her getting up, getting dressed, leaving the house, getting into the car, traveling, getting out of the car, and entering school, then her teachers and friends.

Go over this with her.

Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 20:43

Ooh, thanks, will check this out - it's such a relief to hear there are things out there to try at least! Feels like we've been banging our heads against this brick wall for a while now..

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/05/2026 20:41

Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 20:23

Thanks for your thoughts, this is kind of reassuring but also a bit of a concern that we're not going mad..and it is pretty extreme 😔 What age was she when she started the therapy? NHS or private? Thank you. The HV will request a paediatric referral but apparently it's 9m+ wait, or 2yrs+ if it's initiated once she's started school so not much help for now..

Show quote history

You need to make the appointment yourselves and go private. Time is of the essence.

chirrupybird · 21/05/2026 20:41

Tell them they have to get dressed to do x, y, z that they like or they don't get to do it. I don't know how you got to this position, it should never have been allowed in the first place.

TeflonMom · 21/05/2026 20:38

Sounds like my 4.5 yo. He hates clothes and is always taking them off at home. I got him an all in one in one size bigger than his current size and he absolutely loves it and doesn’t like taking it off now. There are companies that do different types especially for SEN kids/ kids with sensory issues. Think M&S do a specific range too

Original poster
Schnapps00 · 21/05/2026 20:37

PragmaticIsh · 21/05/2026 20:29

This might be a transition issue, as much as clothing. So the ability to cope with actually doing the transition from undressed to dressed is too much, rather than coping with being dressed. DD can't cope with getting into a shower, but she's found laying under a weighted blanket beforehand helps to calm her enough to manage it.

Show quote history

I think you might've hit the nail on the head, this really resonates - all we get if we ask her is 'It's annoying' and we know she can apparently cope with the clothes all day at nursery fine - she doesn't rip them off when she gets home and in fact I had a battle the other day removing her t-shirt for bed as it was covered in jam (the irony!). Any ideas how to help her deal with the transitions? I do wonder if it's connected to a general anticipation of the upcoming change, she did say the other day 'I'm not leaving nursery!' I think she feels really at home at the nursery and it's maybe partly sadness at leaving coming out?! They're complicated little people even at this age aren't they 🥺

OP posts: