To not make my 4yo wear clothes at home?

OMG you’ve triggered me! Your experience reminds me of DS2 as a child (he’s now 30!). We felt the same as you but DS2 says ‘surely you realised I wasn’t normal!!’. He has audhd and the clothes issue went on for years (and still a bit now!) - clothes were ‘itchy’. I wish we’d got a diagnosis and help much earlier - it’s not a phase and it’s not you! Also you can’t dictate with them! Good luck 💐

The book Big Baffling Behaviours is good for understanding what's going on in their head with the meltdowns/caged tiger reaction.

Definitely pursue assessment through NHS, but consider paying privately for occupational therapy to try and find a solution for the clothing issue as the NHS waiting list will be much longer and might not cover this.

OP this sounds exactly like my SD, although it all started properly for her when she was 10. She's always had a few issues around clothing though, even when she was little.

She literally only wears one outfit every single day, and has done so for over a year now, and thisnis progress from where she started - which is where your DD is now, refusing to go out or put on any clothes at all. She is in therapy for this and other issues too.

If she is able to wear shorts and t-shirt all day at nursery, perhaps there is a favourite amongst those that she could potentially handle wearing?? Even if it's always the same one.

I really feel for you though, it's horrific.

I would also agree with it possibly being a transitions issue (both DD and DH are autistic) and have issues with clothes. DH especially, it’s not the clothing really which is the issue but when he is feeling overloaded it’s something he focuses on.

DD also has severe eczema.Not saying yours has anything like that but specialist eczema friendly clothing might help to get her into something.

Eczema clothing or happy skin are websites to look at. All designed light weight, no seams, breathable etc, so as little to annoy them as possible and can really help with sensory issues even if no physical cause.

Hello,
I am not an expert on SEN and my daughter is not, as far as I know, neurodiverse however she has a lot of sensory issues with food, smells and clothes. Though less serious than it sounds like you're dealing with, I'm sure you are doing a great job!

When she wouldnt get dressed I bought her a paper doll, who she could dress when she put on an item of clothing. I think it gave her a feeling of control, and the doll was only used for getting dressed so it was special and distracting. I don’t know if this would work because maybe the sensory issues she has would make it impossible but it was a real game changer for us.

My child is ADHD and Autistic - so yes I do have issues to deal with. The fact ive suggested consequences and you've jumped to "shall I beat her then" makes me wonder - do you know how to discipline. Theres a lot of space inbetween doing nothing and beating a child to submit.

I would punish her yes, I would say that her behaviour was totally unacceptable and I would do something like take the TV away for the afternoon or evening, you can do that whilst being empathetic about her situation but a line has to be drawn - being "cruel" to be kind if you will. If nursery are sending you a photo of her happy as a clown 10 mins after you leave, then im inclined to think she's doing this for your benefit.

Look - you have to try something different - you can't possibly transport your naked child around in the car and take them to school in a towel. It's school uniform too, so it's not going to be a floaty cotton dress either.

What impact is this having on your elder child? Are they able to access after school activities? Have friends round for play dates etc?

I work in a mainstream school and we would accommodate this, I’d dress the dc if it meant her coming to school vs not or coming in so disregulsted. I’ve had a boy in the past with asd who wouldn’t leave the house in school uniform as he wanted to go to the shop for ice cream etc and would only do that in regular clothes so parents would let him wear those to get him out the house but once inside the school building he’d totally melt down about not being in uniform so mum would bring a bag with unform in and I’d change him - so totally depends on the school so speak to them about your concerns. It’s not going to be ideal walking through the playground with a dc this age naked wrapped only in a towel though but I wonder if dc will realise this themselves?! Pants in the house is def something to work towards as she gets older. It’s inappropriate for guests, workmen etc for her to be totally naked moving around the home. As you say. Waiting lists are v long and help limited. Are you able to go private?

It doesn’t really matter what you call it - you can say ‘autistic’ or ‘extreme sensory sensitivity with uncontrollable meltdowns’ - the result and impact are the same. If you’re sure the issue is that she ‘can’t’ as opposed to ‘won’t’ then you need to find any support you can now before it escalates. You won’t have this option on the table soon and then what?

I don’t want to scare you, but this is very extreme behaviour and you’ll need as much time as possible to address it as you cannot keep taking your daughter out naked.

I’m a reception teacher and if you haven’t already, you need to make your daughter’s new class teacher aware. We have occasionally helped a child to dress who wouldn’t get ready but they were in pyjamas but that was on rare occasions, maybe once or twice with one or two children. I don’t know how we’d manage the other 29 coming in and a naked child, we’d probably have to look at getting an extra member of staff from
another class to help.

Is it manageable for pre-school because they all start at different times? You call them teachers but is there a teacher and what’s the teachers opinion?

As you’ve realised, this is extreme behaviour and sounds really stressful for you. It’s either a battle of wills, with you taking a gentle approach (I don’t mean to sound rude but there are a lot of parents now who are powerless to tell their children and risk upsetting them) or your daughter has additional needs and you need more support. At our school our SENCO would be getting involved, looking at how we can prepare you and your daughter for the transition.

Have you tried making the clothes warm? Eg on a radiator or wrapped around a hot water bottle. Even in warm weather, it's so nice putting warm clothes on. This has worked on my kids before when reluctant to get dressed

I’m sorry if this is super obvious or someone else has already suggested it, have you removed all the labels from the clothes?

Your little girl may not be able to articulate exactly what is bothering her about the clothes. I have known babies to scream for apparently “no reason” , then be fine when after the tags inside the clothes are cut out.

What happens if you make the house colder? We live in the Highlands and whilst the children love to be naked by a roaring fire they also like to cover up for colder rooms!
I have multiple children with various extra needs so truly understand they can have strong…preferences…but if you aren’t careful they can very quickly snowball as I think you are finding.

Consequences can be useful - ie, simply, she doesn’t get to go to preschool if she is not dressed. (simple clothes at first). And mean it. I’m presuming she likes going. Or just repeating the same thing again and again and again - if it takes 36 times of you replacing socks so be it. Tomorrow it may be 35. It’s not long until school, now’s the perfect time to change your response.

Sorry to ask but how did you even get to the point where you think your only option is to take your child naked into a childcare setting and let her teachers dress her? You need to get some kind of sen intervention and let her school know that they will dressing a 4.5 year old every morning from naked to school uniform so she can be shielded from her peers

How is taking a child into pre school naked wrapped in a towel not an absolutely giant safeguarding issue? You either need to homeschool or figure this out by the time she starts reception because that is not appropriate at all

If your daughter will dress when she gets to nursery, can't you go in and dress her, rather than handing her over for the staff to do it? Still not ideal, but you taking her in a dressing gown or pyjamas, then calmly taking her into the toilet to get dressed would be an improvement.

Great post!

I think a firm kick up the arse is just what the OP needs.

Well done you. Problem solved.