To not make my 4yo wear clothes at home?

Does she like audio books? My daughter found them enormously helpful for a while. If you got one of the portable players you could put a book on first thing and she could focus on that through breakfast / teeth / dressed / drive to nursery and it keeps the transitions flowing.

Personally I'd stop the naked car rides immediately though as that is not something you want to bed in too long or it will be hard to change it. It's really not great for a lot of reason (appreciate that sometimes you just end up doing something and eventually something totally random feels normal, but if you step back from this a bit I think you'll agree it's not a great place to land)

That is 100% progress! I would not try to force her unless you think she is doing it deliberately, but it doesn't sound like she is and it doesn't sound like you think she is.

Autistic here (as if the name was not a clue!) and I bloody hate getting dressed. No idea why - it's just urg. Having clothes on is fine, but getting dressed - urg. Over the years I have found clothes I like and I wear the same ones a lot. I would just keep things calm and light-hearted, and sympathise with her that putting clothes on does indeed suck but having them on is not so bad and it enables her to do things. Can she be distracted while dressing maybe? TV on, loud music, whatever she likes.

I always insist on underwear at home at a bare minimum, the idea of kids butt's on everything makes me 🤢. We have finally found good coverage underwear from asda and seamless socks really help.

DD can be fussy but is getting better. Hang in there op, do you suspect ND?

Like others upthread I think the clothes issue is less of a big deal than her overarching presentation. You say your nursery is great with SEND, I don't know if you have an understanding of her particular send needs? Have you thought much about the future and what you may need for the next few years? Get on the referrals list for diagnoses as soon as you possibly can, via the GP or health visitor or whoever.

You say you would pay the price of a new kitchen... obviously that's to show how difficult things are, and I fully sympathise! But literally and honestly if you have £6-7k in savings now, I would pay for a private autism assessment and a private occupational therapy sensory assessment as soon as you possibly can. Then you will be able to approach the new school with a good understanding of what she needs and professional records to back up.

Also not to scare you but for a child as young as yours who is already having profound sensory issues, you really need to get an EHCP under your belt asap. In 2030 she will be only 8, and given autism in girls, she might only be starting to present with proper school troubles and burnout at that point. You absolutely need provision in place before the SEND reforms make it more difficult for her to get the support she needs in a legally enforceable way.

(And that is one of the stupid unintended consequence of the reforms- we will see a boom in requesting EHCNAs this year).

It sounds like this is something your daughter is struggling with as much as you. With my youngest, who is the most stubborn child you have ever met, this means very careful handling (and ignoring everyone telling you to punish/that wouldn't be acceptable in my house etc).

We didn't have any issues as problematic as yours, and not so young, so he was at least more able to understand and articulate even if he wouldn't.

But I learned this has to be approached slowly, and sideways. The closest to direct questions about what was stopping him with X was discussing it on a car drive, and backing off the moment the conversation got anything other than casual. Extracting the information he had for why he was refusing whatever it was occasionally took weeks, and slowly getting to where we need to be often took months (he once wore a wooly hat to school all the summer term while we were working on the requirement to tie his hair back - thank goodness the school was accommodating!)

Going at anything head on, trying the brisk chivvying, bargaining - none of this worked. Had to be done on his terms without him even knowing it was being done on his terms, and at a snails pace.

OP this sounds exactly like my SD, although it all started properly for her when she was 10. She's always had a few issues around clothing though, even when she was little.

She literally only wears one outfit every single day, and has done so for over a year now, and thisnis progress from where she started - which is where your DD is now, refusing to go out or put on any clothes at all. She is in therapy for this and other issues too.

If she is able to wear shorts and t-shirt all day at nursery, perhaps there is a favourite amongst those that she could potentially handle wearing?? Even if it's always the same one.

I really feel for you though, it's horrific.

I work in a mainstream school and we would accommodate this, I’d dress the dc if it meant her coming to school vs not or coming in so disregulsted. I’ve had a boy in the past with asd who wouldn’t leave the house in school uniform as he wanted to go to the shop for ice cream etc and would only do that in regular clothes so parents would let him wear those to get him out the house but once inside the school building he’d totally melt down about not being in uniform so mum would bring a bag with unform in and I’d change him - so totally depends on the school so speak to them about your concerns. It’s not going to be ideal walking through the playground with a dc this age naked wrapped only in a towel though but I wonder if dc will realise this themselves?! Pants in the house is def something to work towards as she gets older. It’s inappropriate for guests, workmen etc for her to be totally naked moving around the home. As you say. Waiting lists are v long and help limited. Are you able to go private?

I’m a reception teacher and if you haven’t already, you need to make your daughter’s new class teacher aware. We have occasionally helped a child to dress who wouldn’t get ready but they were in pyjamas but that was on rare occasions, maybe once or twice with one or two children. I don’t know how we’d manage the other 29 coming in and a naked child, we’d probably have to look at getting an extra member of staff from
another class to help.

Is it manageable for pre-school because they all start at different times? You call them teachers but is there a teacher and what’s the teachers opinion?

As you’ve realised, this is extreme behaviour and sounds really stressful for you. It’s either a battle of wills, with you taking a gentle approach (I don’t mean to sound rude but there are a lot of parents now who are powerless to tell their children and risk upsetting them) or your daughter has additional needs and you need more support. At our school our SENCO would be getting involved, looking at how we can prepare you and your daughter for the transition.

Have you tried making the clothes warm? Eg on a radiator or wrapped around a hot water bottle. Even in warm weather, it's so nice putting warm clothes on. This has worked on my kids before when reluctant to get dressed

What impact is this having on your elder child? Are they able to access after school activities? Have friends round for play dates etc?

Reading Ross Green’s ‘The explosive child’ helped but he was 13 before we began to ask for help/referral - I wish we’d done it when he was under 5! He was diagnosed as an ‘ODD’ child but this has changed now to Audhd - so there is on the one hand better understanding of ND but also some dismissal too (as seen but some comments on here!!). Good luck!

I would also agree with it possibly being a transitions issue (both DD and DH are autistic) and have issues with clothes. DH especially, it’s not the clothing really which is the issue but when he is feeling overloaded it’s something he focuses on.

DD also has severe eczema.Not saying yours has anything like that but specialist eczema friendly clothing might help to get her into something.

Eczema clothing or happy skin are websites to look at. All designed light weight, no seams, breathable etc, so as little to annoy them as possible and can really help with sensory issues even if no physical cause.

Hello,
I am not an expert on SEN and my daughter is not, as far as I know, neurodiverse however she has a lot of sensory issues with food, smells and clothes. Though less serious than it sounds like you're dealing with, I'm sure you are doing a great job!

When she wouldnt get dressed I bought her a paper doll, who she could dress when she put on an item of clothing. I think it gave her a feeling of control, and the doll was only used for getting dressed so it was special and distracting. I don’t know if this would work because maybe the sensory issues she has would make it impossible but it was a real game changer for us.

OMG you’ve triggered me! Your experience reminds me of DS2 as a child (he’s now 30!). We felt the same as you but DS2 says ‘surely you realised I wasn’t normal!!’. He has audhd and the clothes issue went on for years (and still a bit now!) - clothes were ‘itchy’. I wish we’d got a diagnosis and help much earlier - it’s not a phase and it’s not you! Also you can’t dictate with them! Good luck 💐

Ah heck, back to the drawing board! I think somehow you need to move the dressing away (in time) from other stuff. Eg "we'd like to go to [fun place] this afternoon. can you put some clothes on before then DD - whenever between now and then is fine."

Dressing probably need to be a game too - "ok, we have scratchy item number one, who will win, DD or the jumper - one two three GO!"

I work in a mainstream school and we would accommodate this, I’d dress the dc if it meant her coming to school vs not or coming in so disregulsted. I’ve had a boy in the past with asd who wouldn’t leave the house in school uniform as he wanted to go to the shop for ice cream etc and would only do that in regular clothes so parents would let him wear those to get him out the house but once inside the school building he’d totally melt down about not being in uniform so mum would bring a bag with unform in and I’d change him - so totally depends on the school so speak to them about your concerns. It’s not going to be ideal walking through the playground with a dc this age naked wrapped only in a towel though but I wonder if dc will realise this themselves?! Pants in the house is def something to work towards as she gets older. It’s inappropriate for guests, workmen etc for her to be totally naked moving around the home. As you say. Waiting lists are v long and help limited. Are you able to go private?

I’m sorry if this is super obvious or someone else has already suggested it, have you removed all the labels from the clothes?

Your little girl may not be able to articulate exactly what is bothering her about the clothes. I have known babies to scream for apparently “no reason” , then be fine when after the tags inside the clothes are cut out.