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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not agree to this Holiday ?

163 replies

copingjustfine · 21/05/2026 13:48

Can someone please advise me if I’m being unreasonable here ?

Me and dad not together, I have our 5 kids living with me full time, dad sees them 5 hours A fortnight for 5 hours through his choice, and refused over nights

But.. he still thinks he can have the upper hand on everything

He wants to take tow of the children to Portugal ( aged 15 and 14) for a week 5th July-12 th July 2026. When he initially asked for the old passports so he can renew them they got handed over and I warned him via email any holiday abroad need to be planned in the school holiday after the breakup end of July

Now he’s emailed me after passports have arrived that he’s taking them beginning July. I’ve said no as we will get fined and risk of prosecution for all those days off and he replies with ‘you’ve got a loud mouth and don’t think rationally’ he’s basically backing me into a corner to agree

He said he will ask permission from the headteacher and that he’s going to tell them he’s going for a funeral. ( which is a lie)

He’s making out that I’m unreasonable, but am I?

And I know people will say ‘just let him pay the fines’ but I know this man he will tell me to ignore the fines and he a ain’t paying them but i am not doing good financially I can’t have this on my head when I’m not even the one taking them for 5 days, if it was 1 or 2 days overlap on his weekend holiday it would be fine but 5 days !!

I know if the headteacher declines his permission he will still pressure me to hand the kids over to take them and Make me look bad to the kids. I’ve asked him when did he send the permission request and he’s ignored me

What would you do on this situation without becoming the bad guy to your kids ?

OP posts:
ADAB33 · 22/05/2026 09:40

copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 09:21

The school won’t have his address as it’s me that communicate with the school and me that has the kids full
time so he won’t be the one getting the fine I will
But they simply don’t care, him and his wife despise me tha much that they don’t care the hardship they put me in, when they are the sinful ones, playing away behind my back !

Well GIVE the school his address then. Make clear that ALL correspondence is to go to you both, not just you, about the matter.

He sounds a right twerp.

Ring 101 for advice on his abuse, it is good the idiot put it all in writing to you so you have a "paper trail" of it.

BlueMum16 · 22/05/2026 09:28

copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 09:21

The school won’t have his address as it’s me that communicate with the school and me that has the kids full
time so he won’t be the one getting the fine I will
But they simply don’t care, him and his wife despise me tha much that they don’t care the hardship they put me in, when they are the sinful ones, playing away behind my back !

Give the school his address.

Go via CMS for maintenance.

Your children are old even to form their own relationships with him.

Block him.

Original poster
copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 09:21

The school won’t have his address as it’s me that communicate with the school and me that has the kids full
time so he won’t be the one getting the fine I will
But they simply don’t care, him and his wife despise me tha much that they don’t care the hardship they put me in, when they are the sinful ones, playing away behind my back !

OP posts:
MissRaspberryRipples · 22/05/2026 09:11

abbynabby23 · 21/05/2026 22:15

Yes of course you are unreasonable. If he wants go away and the kids are happy to do so, that’s ok. The life is not over with 5 days off school. I guess you know that! Also, the worst it will happen is that he will get a fine. You won’t get prosecuted!

Show quote history

Oh hey the deadbeat dad showed up. Or are you his wife who probably agrees so the husbands teen kids are on hand to babysit the little ones. Of course she's not being unreasonable. Why can't dad take his kids in the holidays rather than in term time. He's only got to wait an extra week. For someone who only sees his kids a few hours a week not even having them overnight I'd definitely be questioning why he suddenly wants a couple of his kids for a whole week, clearly it's for his own benefit

Original poster
copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 09:02

Am I right in also thinking that if the school deny his request the school will be ringing me every day and could possibly send out welfare officers to my address to check on things ? It’s not just about the fine it’s the accumulation of things that come from him taking 5 days out of school

OP posts:
Kerri126 · 22/05/2026 08:56

I would wonder if he’s only taking the two who are the right age to play babysitter for the other kids…

You need to say no, yes you will be the bad guy for a bit, but that’s what being a parent means sometimes and longer term they’ll come to understand.

It’s also really shitty on the 3 left behind and that alone is a good enough reason to say no.

Original poster
copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 08:54

Morocca · 22/05/2026 08:52

It’s not a police matter. Personally I’d block him. Are the 14 and 15 year old the youngest of the five?

You say it’s not a police matter but this is sustained post separation abuse that’s been going on for a long time, I have mountains of emails where he’s threatened me and controlling me. Even messages off his wife blackmailing me into accepting the most pitiful maintenance on the planet when she knows full well it is less than bare minimum and she is a part to play in the abuse as well
This one issue may not be a police matter but the combination of the things he does is

OP posts:
Morocca · 22/05/2026 08:52

It’s not a police matter. Personally I’d block him. Are the 14 and 15 year old the youngest of the five?

Original poster
copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 08:46

Morocca · 22/05/2026 08:39

How will he take them when you’ve got the passports? Just put them somewhere safe

i Know this man he’ll threaten me, emotionally blackmail Me via email, use children’s maintenance by not paying it when the kids need it he will torment me through the kids and the kids will give me HELL believe me. I feel so distressed and this was his plan to cause me distress and significant financial issues. He doesn’t need to take them out of school for 5 days. I’m really considering going to the police now as this is abuse in my eyes. He messaged me early in the week giving me abuse because our 20 year old is working and not saving as much money as he wants and he’s called me and my family over it saying I better take money off her and save why can’t he just leave me alone ???

OP posts:
BMW58 · 22/05/2026 08:44

Do you have someone you totally trust to hold their passports for you?

I'd tell the 2 eldest why you are not letting him take them, be totally honest and hold firm.

Once you make a stand against him and succeed it will be easier to do in future.

susiedaisy1912 · 22/05/2026 08:41

copingjustfine · 21/05/2026 14:18

Yes they are all his, I don’t know why he’s only taking 2, maybe because he feels it’s too much taking them all as He also has a wife and kids with her too so maybe he’s taking them all and just taking two of ours

Show quote history

Babysitting? Are his second family younger?

Morocca · 22/05/2026 08:39

How will he take them when you’ve got the passports? Just put them somewhere safe

ThreadGuardDog · 22/05/2026 08:36

RampantIvy · 22/05/2026 08:33

Don't give him the passports. Is there someone else who can look after them for you?

She needs to apply to the courts for a prohibited steps order if she’s going to withhold passports, otherwise he can just report them lost and apply for replacements.

ThreadGuardDog · 22/05/2026 08:34

Lucyccfc68 · 21/05/2026 21:54

The Portuguese authorities have never asked me for a letter from anyone, including my ex husband to give me permission to take my son there. We have been 3 times. It’s not strict at all.

Never been asked to do this anywhere in Europe. I got told this was needed for Brazil, so ex-H kindly obliged, got letter attested by a solicitor but they never asked for the letter when we arrived in Rio 😂

Show quote history

That being said, it’s still the case that he can’t take them out of the UK without OP’s permission, so that’s the starting point. She should refuse to hand over the passports and apply to the courts for a prohibited steps order to prevent him applying for replacements without her knowledge.

RampantIvy · 22/05/2026 08:33

Don't give him the passports. Is there someone else who can look after them for you?

Original poster
copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 08:31

Sadly I know what he will do, he will wait till closer to the time before he asks the school for permission, he will then in the meantime book the hotel and flights, even if the school decline his request he will still take them by brainwashing the kids saying ‘oh mums ruining the holiday, she won’t let you go, I’ve lost money’ and the kids will play hell with me and end up going, then I’ll have £160+ to pay in fines, money I don’t even have lol

o think what he does is cruel, he keeps me on edge over everything and degrades me constantly. He uses anything child related to keep me scared and on edge and this is why I come to the internet to ask for advice to see whether I am being dramatic or I am genuinely not as I am sometimes unsure of myself

OP posts:
ThreadGuardDog · 22/05/2026 08:28

abbynabby23 · 21/05/2026 22:20

If you are divorced only one parent pays, the one that takes them away. I assume he knows that there are fines and happy to pay, right?

Show quote history

Nope. Both parents are fined.

ThreadGuardDog · 22/05/2026 08:20

abbynabby23 · 21/05/2026 22:15

Yes of course you are unreasonable. If he wants go away and the kids are happy to do so, that’s ok. The life is not over with 5 days off school. I guess you know that! Also, the worst it will happen is that he will get a fine. You won’t get prosecuted!

Show quote history

Are you the dad ? Because you’re making a good case when in actual fact he is the unreasonable one. OP will be paying a hefty fine because he won’t comply - you seem to treat this lightly so l assume you could absorb this cost with no consequences. That’s nice for you, but many of us can’t. And it isn’t just a case of five days off school - these are older children at an important stage, so keeping them out of school when there is no need is irresponsible.

Original poster
copingjustfine · 22/05/2026 07:30

RampantIvy · 22/05/2026 07:21

Oh hello. The dad is here.

Show quote history

lol this is probably his wife or someone that knows them. I am the one who does all the hard parenting work whilst they sit back having a couple
of
hours and sit high and mighty in their thrown taking away my rights

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 22/05/2026 07:21

abbynabby23 · 21/05/2026 22:15

Yes of course you are unreasonable. If he wants go away and the kids are happy to do so, that’s ok. The life is not over with 5 days off school. I guess you know that! Also, the worst it will happen is that he will get a fine. You won’t get prosecuted!

Show quote history

Oh hello. The dad is here.

Poppyfie1ds · 22/05/2026 07:14

So it sounds like your ex is just taking the two older kids so that they can babysit his/his new partner’s younger kids while he and the new woman get tanked up in the bar. In fact I’d put money on it.

Explain this to your children (see if they still want to go) and then refer your kids to social services. Go online to your council’s website and fill out the form saying you are their mum. They can help you protect your children from their dad and his damaging their education/using them as ‘the help.’

You really need to grow a backbone and get used to saying no to this arseh*le

ThatLemonBee · 21/05/2026 23:17

Frugalgal · 21/05/2026 22:51

Someone who wants free babysitters to look after his other kids so he can get pissed.

Show quote history

He is no dad just a waste of oxygen

Ndandme91 · 21/05/2026 23:07

copingjustfine · 21/05/2026 13:48

Can someone please advise me if I’m being unreasonable here ?

Me and dad not together, I have our 5 kids living with me full time, dad sees them 5 hours A fortnight for 5 hours through his choice, and refused over nights

But.. he still thinks he can have the upper hand on everything

He wants to take tow of the children to Portugal ( aged 15 and 14) for a week 5th July-12 th July 2026. When he initially asked for the old passports so he can renew them they got handed over and I warned him via email any holiday abroad need to be planned in the school holiday after the breakup end of July

Now he’s emailed me after passports have arrived that he’s taking them beginning July. I’ve said no as we will get fined and risk of prosecution for all those days off and he replies with ‘you’ve got a loud mouth and don’t think rationally’ he’s basically backing me into a corner to agree

He said he will ask permission from the headteacher and that he’s going to tell them he’s going for a funeral. ( which is a lie)

He’s making out that I’m unreasonable, but am I?

And I know people will say ‘just let him pay the fines’ but I know this man he will tell me to ignore the fines and he a ain’t paying them but i am not doing good financially I can’t have this on my head when I’m not even the one taking them for 5 days, if it was 1 or 2 days overlap on his weekend holiday it would be fine but 5 days !!

I know if the headteacher declines his permission he will still pressure me to hand the kids over to take them and Make me look bad to the kids. I’ve asked him when did he send the permission request and he’s ignored me

What would you do on this situation without becoming the bad guy to your kids ?

They charge both parents regardless of who the child lives with

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/05/2026 22:55

Linzydx · 21/05/2026 22:48

In my part of the Uk, my 15 year old (year 10) has work experience that week in July - so check that!

Oh good call, my yr 10 has the same, I had forgotten that.

Although funnily enough it ties in with the deadbeat theme.....the business is around the corner from her fathers house so she suggested staying with him for the week and he said no as ....er....well....er....work! When DD pointed out that I work and she manages just fine, no it just wouldnt work out for her to stay there so he is sure that I can rejig my job to drop her off and pick her up (no public transport). I messaged him saying that if she isnt staying at his then he can pay her ubers because I cant just change my entire job set up......crickets.

Arsehole.

Frugalgal · 21/05/2026 22:51

ThatLemonBee · 21/05/2026 21:48

I’m a solicitor and also have a useless ex ( although thankfully my kid is now adult so don’t need to deal with him ) . Although some of that advise is in practise true , it will still give me more decision powers for traveling with asking as an example . At least your ex doesn’t seem as much as an idiot as the OP one on this thread . Who take s 2 kids on holiday and leaves the others

Show quote history

Someone who wants free babysitters to look after his other kids so he can get pissed.