Hate having plans for things I enjoy

But if you know your meeting at say 6pm then you know you've got the whole of the rest of the day free to be spontaneous with

Without the time your whole Saturday is just used up with cinema, someone's going to be waiting around for the other. Spontaneity with 2 seperate groups just results in one person wasting time

I sort of get it but as a person who likes plans and organising, I would find this irritating I’m afraid! I imagine you are the type of person who would balk at being asked in June to commit to a Christmas night out I was organising, say you don’t want to commit to anything that far in advance and prefer to do something spontaneous, and then moan when by November everything is booked up and you and your workmates can’t get a seat in a decent pub!
It also disregards the needs of those who need to be organised because they have kids, caring responsibilities, and similar.

I am exactly the same - I have ADHD and this is a huge part of it for me. I think it’s called something like Schedule Aversion. Apparently it is…

‘not laziness, avoidance, or disinterest.
It’s a neurocognitive reaction to the loss of freedom, the pressure of time, and the emotional weight of a future obligation’

…and I completely relate to that.

My husband says that I make plans just to cancel them.

I’ve always been spontaneous and hate rigid plans.

Ha ha I can so relate to this! Having anything planned in the future makes me want to be on the other side of it asap. It makes me anxious knowing a party or trip is coming up, even something I'll end up enjoying. I wish I wasn't like this but there it is. I've invited the whole family over in the summer with some travelling from as far as France. We rarely get to see each other & I thought I'd host it out in the garden. So now I've been stressing about the garden for months so it looks OK & what food I'll do. I know it'll be wonderful for everyone to be here but I'm sooo looking forward to the morning when I lie in bed & it's over! It's not till mid July & someone's asked me in April what time to arrive!!

Gosh no, anticipation is at least half the enjoyment for me. Spontaneous plans make me feel like I have lost out in the anticipation of it all.

Oh my god @Rose785 i feel hemmed in and trapped just hearing about your spreadsheet 🥴😂
I never back out of plans I’ve made with people but I just commit to very few in the first place!

I am the polar opposite and LOVE a plan to the point i have spreadsheet already planning dates in December ha ha! I get irritated by 'spontaneous' friends and family if I am trying to make a plan as I find them flakey like I agree to make plans with them then last minute they back out and I think - well I turned down this or that because of our plans. But I appreciate reading your post to understand my polar opposites point of view!

You can change your mind on the day you know. But usually, I know what I'm having because I looked at it for prices and to make sure there was things that my fussy husband would eat, something my child would eat, and if going as an extended family that it covers the numerous dietary requirements. Then I have probably been thinking about a particular thing for a couple of days and really REALLY want it now.

I’d love to not book ahead for eating out but there’s little worse than traipsing round being sent away from anywhere half decent because you’ve not booked. Seeing everyone who did book having nice meals while you get hungrier and colder and end up in a spoons.

YES. This is one of the worst things about me. It's not even just "oh I have work on Monday morning". It's literally everything, even really fun stuff. I get myself worked up into a right tizzy, and absolutely dread everything.

When there's something in my diary, even a really fun concert, salon visit etc., I feel sick to my stomach. It's just KNOWING there's something, anything, in the diary. I crave that feeling of complete freedom.

I read that's it a form of neurodiversity, but no idea which one.

I am kind of the opposite, especially now that I have a non-planner boyfriend because we would never go anywhere or do anything if we played everything by ear. Except I am very much not into looking at restaurant menus beyond a quick glance to see prices and general vibe. I’m always surprised by people who know what they’re having before they’ve even got there… how do they know what they’ll fancy on the day? What if the menu’s changed? What about the specials?

I would find that very stressful, surely that just exacerbates any issues?

Am in two minds!

I hard relate to the feeling of not wanting to do planned things, regardless of whether I have planned them or someone else has. I think this is my version of demand avoidance, which is pretty heavily masked. I just hate obligations of all kinds and am never in the right headspace and feel trapped.

Obvs the worst is something someone else commits you to, that is supposed to be fun, that you don't necessarily want to do, but have to. Yes I'm looking at you, hen nights. And also at you, DMIL, who every year says "we're coming to stay near you for July and will see you every weekend and at random times all week".

OTOH, being go with the flow and serendipitous is such a massive, massive privilege. If you are lucky enough to have discretion over your free time, it is not really fair to complain, or judge "planners" as they may not have your freedom. Sadly I am so choked with jealousy of OP I can't find it in my heart to be sympathetic about her plight... Oh boo hoo you have no childcare responsibilities and sometimes people invite you to things... !!!(This is joke by the way, I freely admit the jealousy is a me problem!!)

She has never been to a concert, she is on a lifetime holiday with her family but her DH did all the booking. I asked her what activities she had planned and she said nothing, she would figure it out when she gets there! I do know she will be stressed over there as everything then has to be planned on the day, they wont leave the hotel until late.
The holiday was booked about 6 weeks in advance but she only packed the night before. She does that all the time, leaves any packing to the very last minute. I think its an ADHD thing, she cant operate until she has a looming deadline and is under huge pressure.

I hate making plans. What if I don’t want to do that on the day?! I don’t want to let people down, so I rarely make plans. Lovely quiet life!

I’m meeting a relative this Saturday and whilst I know it’ll be fun, I’m already resentful at the intrusion and planning the exhale when I get back home.

How does she book holidays or go into a concert etc?

I am the exact same, I love having planned events. Then I can plan around them. If I want to have some downtime to chill, I just plan that too. Everything goes in my calendar. Plan plan plan!

My sister cant plan anything it stresses her out but she has ADHD so not sure if its related. I have to have a plan as I am so busy with work, kids, and activities. If you give me a day and time, I can tell you what I will be doing!

My sister feels stressed if I ask her to commit to a time to meet, but if I dont it will never happen. She regularly cancels as something else she hadnt planned for came up and that has to take priority!

Completely agree. It's having the space to be spontaneous.

I am a planner and tend to have plans for weekends for a month ahead, often two. We are in London and go to the theatre and concerts often, if anyone wanted to do that spontaneously they'd miss out because it would be fully booked or they'd get rubbish seats. Good restaurants and cafes get booked up, and even swimming needs to be booked in, as soon as slots open a week ahead. Then we have stuff like birthday parties and dc's extracurricular events, so everything needs to fit in around that. I have some events that I've booked for the Christmas period - they sell out or you get stuck with bad seats if you don't book ahead. I don't really spend time looking forward to it - often it gets booked and I don't think about it at all until the week before, then I am really glad that I got it sorted ages ago.

I don't like having to coordinate diaries with other people though so we mostly do things with just our family. DH doesn't have much of a social life of his own so I never need to check if he's free.

I go away with a friend, she literally cannot make a decision - want to go to this restaurant or that - she panics! She cannot think and can't make a decision, if I relied on here to plan anything we would literally sit in the hotel all day.

I am like this OP.

And I know that IABU as far as friends are concerned. They want dates in the diary, I don’t want to commit to a town or indoor day when the weather is glorious and I feel claustrophobic if my diary is too full.

I have had such a full on overwhelming parenting / working / family care based life that perfectly lovely offers of social events feel like demands. And repeated requests by relatives and friends, activities all mapped out, make me feel as if I am being project managed.

I need to find a middle way and be a better friend and feel better myself at the same time

Your post has put me into a bit of a tizz. 🥴😵‍💫. I hate having to buy tickets in advance but I do like knowing what I’m going to be doing over the coming week or two. I don’t like time spent with friends having a schedule but I really want to know when arrangements are made exactly what time we will meet. I must be a split planner or something.

Have you ever just stuck to your way of doing things and just gone with the flow? I suppose your friends would have to accept you will either turn up or you won’t. But I’m wondering how much you will actually do / miss out on with that approach. Just thinking about it has made me a little anxious 😆

I've got theatre tickets for a big show in August. I've already had them over a year. If I hadn't got them I ran the risk of them being sold out Om getting some tickets today for a show in November. It's nice to have things to look forward too.

Well... I'm an absolute nightmare for planning everything to the Nth degree. Small gap in my calendar?! Get something booked in! I end up with no available weekends or even small gaps of time, because I'm so booked up! And then I hate having such a packed schedule and being pleased when plans fall through 🤣🤣

So I'm my own worst enemy, but yes I relate