Spontaneity is a lovely thing. But it needs to be set against reality. It shouldn’t lead to irritating others or to missing out on things. Those that often bemoan people who like to plan things, often complain that it ‘sucks the joy out of things’. Personally, I think that being able to do the thing you want to is far more joyful than turning up somewhere and finding that you can’t get in. And plans don’t stop joy, they mean you have something coming up to look forward to and to get excited about. There is a middle ground. You don’t need to have every moment of the day set out but it’s often useful to have some of the bigger bits booked.
It’s about being considerate and basing things on reality. Nowadays not making plans often leads to frustration and missing out on what you wanted to do. There is nothing better than having a ‘see what happens’ sort of day or weekend. But as a family or couple it often works, when it’s with others or involves going somewhere popular, it often doesn’t. I have a friend who I never see. They never commit to plans in advance, but will then often call by on the chance we are in. We usually aren’t or if we are we’re in the midst of something. We’re no longer teenagers or at university with few commitments and with a friendship circle in close proximity. We have other things that we want to do or need doing and other people to see. And, people are scattered about and have busy lives and so need to plan their lives around these things. We cannot just turn up like we used to do as kids and ring the doorbell to see if x would like to come out to play.
There is often an attitude amongst those that love spontaneity over all else, that everything should just fall into place and that if it doesn’t it’s the fault of someone or something else. My parents are great ones for not wanting to commit to a plan. They love the idea of doing something with us on a Sunday, like a walk followed by Sunday lunch in a pub. They like good food too. But when I suggest that we might look at good food pubs near where we are thinking of going, they can’t commit and say, ‘oh we’ll just see what’s around when we get hungry’. Time and time again we hit disappointment. Pubs on Sundays tend to get booked up quickly, and so we end up hungry and without anywhere to go. We then might find a café somewhere, generally have a long wait to get a seat, and then the food isn’t what they wanted. It happens all the time. But it’s never their fault. Last mother’s day we ended up sat on a cold bench eating something from the local M&S garage! They do the same with holidays – ‘oh lets have a week in Cornwall next week!’ – and then get angry that there’s no available places to stay.
And the trouble with those that love spontaneity is that they often too don’t want to make any decisions. We’ve a friendship group many of whom live abroad – university wasn’t here – and sometimes organise a meet up. A few of them coming over for a few days and we and others other here will meet up with them. The trouble is that they hate plans. Nothing is ever set. ‘Oh we’ll meet in London on Friday at some point, and then do something else on Saturday too’. ‘Ok. Where shall we meet? Do we want to do food or something?’ ‘Oh we’ll drop you a text when we’re somewhere’. When we eventually do meet – usually really late by the time everyone has worked out where everyone is and has gotten themselves there, we do sod all. We wonder randomly. No one makes any decisions, and by the time we might finally decide that everyone is starving and perhaps we might want to eat, we then can’t agree on what or where. And when finally we do – weirdly – the place we decide to eat at doesn’t have space for 15 randoms walking in from the street deciding they’re hungry. It’s lovely seeing them, but some sort of plan might actually mean we get to spend quality time together. And now that everyone has increasingly busy lives, if they booked their visits sooner, rather than saying, ‘hey, we’re in London at the weekend, who’s around?’ Then they might actually manage to see more of us! Every time they do come over there are fewer and fewer of us free to see them.
And the reality nowadays is that things often require booking. Even things like cinemas and swimming pools (since COVID) often book up in advance. Certainly theatres and restaurants and exhibitions and tourist attractions and trains and hotels. Being spontaneous is great, but what I think is better is actually doing something and seeing people. Wouldn’t it be lovely to be able to jump on the Eurostar to a city somewhere in Europe, catch up with friends there, pop into an exhibition or something, and end up in a brilliant restaurant you happen to pass! Sadly the reality is that the friends have plans, the trains are filled – or hugely expensive if you don’t book in advance - and the exhibitions and restaurants booked out weeks if not months in advance.
Nowadays I’m often guilty of over filling my diary months in advance. I sometimes look at it and feel overwhelmed (and I need to get better at not over filling my life). But the trouble is that if I want to see my friends and family or go to the theatre shows or exhibitions or whatever I love, then I have to book things in advance.