AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

I’m sorry for your situation, you’ve had such a tough time. I know how awful and cruel Parkinson’s is and for your husband to get it at a young age is really hard. Also you having undergone cancer, what a difficult time you’ve experienced. Illness can severely impact lives and finances, as it has to your family. Im
not surprised you’re quietly resentful, when your parents seem
oblivious to your circumstances. I wonder if it’s possible to start discussing IHT / estate planning with them? Not an easy conversation, I know. But they could be giving you £3k tax free per year (to all 4 of you pp) They could also use the gift allowance from their surplus income to give you and/ or daughter regular gifts. Your parents could simply pay your dental work outside of any IHT. It seems tone deaf of your parents not to offer or be aware of your challenges

Kindly OP, but unless you are prepared to ask for the money it may be time to step back and reassess what you are prepared to give now. Your parents have money, they can pay for the care/support they need now. Give what you are able to give, but not at the expense of your health or your family

I had this with both sets of my grandparents. They had plenty of pensions and investments to have a very comfortable retirement (thank goodness!) There was a point I had to reduce what I did because I had to take care of myself. They all wanted family to take care of them but weren't prepared to support their family to do so. I couldn't live on air so I had to do what was needed to take care of me. You aren't a bad daughter if you do less. You are doing far more than most.

Just ask her. For all you know she’d love to help with your dental costs but doesn’t want to offend you by offering.

@Giraffeowlllama ignore the bashers and the idiot who said you were ‘improvident’….yes, to get cancer once is unfortunate, twice is careless eh?! And how selfish of your husband to go and get Parkinsons. As for your teeth - I suppose you should just put up with it no? @Safarisagoody the op isn’t asking for ‘her inheritance’ she was simply venting about her circumstances - if I was sat there with chronic dental problems I couldn’t afford to fix, while my dm waltzed off and bought a Mulberry bag because it was cute, I’d be silently seething. Surely any wealthy mother who expects the same daughter to look after her and her df in their dotage could pay for her dental treatment - if only as an investment in her dd health so she’ll be able to look after her aged parents? The aged parents who have 50k in a current account and much more in other savings and investments. Much of which will go to the jolly taxman if they don’t do some careful wealth planning.

SHE HAS HAD CANCER TWICE.

Rather than worry about the inheritance, I would be advising my Mum not to keep £50K in a current account. If she gets scammed, that is a lot of money to keep in an "accessible" account.

Your situation is horrible OP.

I think your parents are unlikely to respond well to suggestions they 'give you your inheritance now' - I would be furious and point out that I am still here so this money is my savings, not your inheritance! But it is reasonable to tell them in detail how hard things are and say you'd be grateful for any financial help they feel able to offer. I hope they do help you.

This is all so distasteful. The enthusiasm of wanting her to go after her parents money, encouraging her to think she’s entitled to it and her parents are somehow wrong for not giving it to her

i cant beleive people think like this. I’m sure her parents could have given the op all their money many times over. And had nothing left.

some peoples family relationships are so so bad, when all they do is eye up how much cash their parents have and how they can get it.

Yabu. It's her money and she might need it for care costs. 50k is nothing and will be gone in a year if so.

You see, the thing is she doesn’t have to have her parents die to get her inheritance.

Hence, the allowable gifts, the seven year rule etc. Inheritance tax planning, but also seeing your children enjoy it.

I won’t end up the richest person in the graveyard, I’m gifting a reasonable amount prior to my death, whilst ensuring sufficient to live on,

In this country that’s how it works, you can gift before death.

Everyone may have a different attitude, and sorry your DF passed away, but no amount of money keeps anyone alive.

I think sensible tax planning and seeing my money go to good use is imperative, no way would I have cash or investments that I’ll never likely use, whilst watching my child struggle!

Your parents need some IHT planning advice. They can gift you £3k a year and also if they have “excess income” can make a regular gift from that. They are free to pay directly for your dental bills etc.
Have they always been kind loving and generous parents to you? It doesn’t sound like it.
Also as a parent I would never expect my child to be my carer, I want them to live their life. Love, help, support, visits - yes. Daily care- no.

Can you speak to her about estate planning? With that level of assets, she does need to be thinking about it, it is prudent to do so. Look at IHT403 and also gifting to support your child at University.

Having said that, you also need to speak to them about future care plans. If they expect you to do this, talk to them about the financial aspect of it as it sounds as if it will not be possible for you to take it on without them remunerating you.

I looked after my remaining parent after the first one died. It is hard. I am single with no family responsibilities. You will not be able to do it all if you need to look after your own DH.

Although you say they will not need/want residential care, sometimes that is the only option. The money your mother has in her current account would have lasted just under six weeks at the home I eventually had to place my parent in. They needed 24 hour care and their house was not safe to remain in. At £1,950 a week, the money soon goes. It was worth every penny though as the care given was outstanding.

I know what you mean OP - and honestly I am very fortunate in that my mum would never see me suffer.

She is not rich by any stretch of the imagination, and I am not banking getting any inheritance tbh. But if I told her I needed a bit of help towards urgent dental treatment she would give me as much as she could afford.

I can't imagine her being in a more comfortable position and not offering to help me get on the housing ladder or things like this.

Improvidence? Meaning: the state of lacking foresight or thrift. It describes an inability to plan for the future, often resulting in reckless or extravagant spending and irresponsible decision-making.

How remiss of OP not to plan for having cancer twice and being unable to work during and immediately after treatment. She should also have planned better for her DH getting Parkinsons. There is no extravagant spending from OP, just a constant struggle to make ends meet.

There has been absolutely no help from OP's parents, either financial or helping with their grandchildren while OP went through aggresive cancer treatment twice. They expect her to drop everything to provide care for them though. OP said that:

My df was ill last year and I moved in for 2 months to help while wfh.

I think that OP's parents should hang their heads in shame, not OP.

This is how I feel about money/inheritance. Pass it on while the beneficiaries need it, not once you've died and they're in their 60s. Makes sense from a tax perspective, too.

The only thing you can do is just ask her for the money for your teeth. I have helped out my children with things like that eyeglasses, etc.

There are a lot of posters on this thread that I would hate to have been reared by. Although I suspect quite a few are just enjoying getting a dig into the OP - not that that is an attractive trait either

How about your husband’s parents?

I see where you are coming from, OP, and I do sympathise. Your family have had some very stressful years.

I recently raised something similar with my mother regarding her estate’s future obligation when she passes away. Inheritance tax at 40% after a life of extreme frugality is steep. I think you should ask for help dental expenses, and ask if she would consider giving your DD some financial help for university, up to the tax free £3k limit at least.

I think this is my first post on here. If not the first, it’s the second. I’m hardly moved to post and I’m usually fine with just reading and moving along.

This post crawled my skin. Ugh. YABU and quite entitled. I really thought you were going to say she failed to pay you back or feigned being broke when you know she has money.

Your mother is being smart as it’s her money and her money alone until she dies. By then it may be quite reduced or even all gone. The future is unknown and she may need those funds for elder care / health costs or simply to enjoy her retirement years. I’m not sure about the laws in your country but in mine a person doesn’t have to leave a penny to their child unless that child is a minor at time of death.

Posts and mindsets like yours piss me off. Do you know that needs to happen for you to inherit? Your mother has to die. I don’t know about anyone else but I’d rather have my folks around for a long time than even think about being a beneficiary to anything they leave me. I’ve always thought that way. My lovely dad recently passed and I’d give anything to have him here rather than have an “easier” life due to the fact he passed and left me some money.

Okay so I’ve read all of your posts. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. BUT! have you actually discussed any of this with her? Have you asked for help? Have you said you need it?!

Carers cost money though, it's not only care homes that use up funds. My mother died 5 years ago. We looked after her but she had carers that came twice a day, to get her up and put her to bed (she was chair/bed bound). They came for half an hour on each occasion at a cost of £500 per week. It soon adds up.

Her mum has £50k cash, which points to many hundreds of thousands held in pensions / investments, they’re not her “life savings”.

Holy shit this is just a crazy level of random spite. Sorry your parents didn’t love you and you don’t know how people should treat one another.

Yeah that’s rough OP. She seems to be totally oblivious to your challenges and financial hardship. I would spell it out to her otherwise she’ll keep upsetting you. Asking you to check her £50k balance and flaunting a new mulberry bag is tone deaf.