Stuck in the middle with family and husband

I am siding with your husband despite what a lot of others have said. Similar situation to your husband where DH family tend to bow down to one person and no one speaks up.

I tend to be a fairly laid back go with the flow person but when I am with my DH family, FIL dictates every last detail- the restaurant, what time we are eating, what time we leave, whether we are allowed desserts, what activities we are doing.

it’s like being marched around on a boring school trip in primary school.

I once ‘had the audacity’ to get up early while everyone was still sleeping and go and grab a coffee in a local cafe. It nearly started WW3. Fil didn’t speak to me for the rest of the weekend- it was great!

life is busy, short and expensive and I don’t like spending it having plans barked at me everytime we meet.

others have said on here for your DH to speak up, which is interesting because when it’s the other way around the advice is always for the DH to deal with his family.

I think you could make it easier on him when he suggests something different and say ‘yes that sounds good’ if others don’t follow the change of plan say ‘ok well you do that and let’s meet back up in an hour’. Although ideally you would suggest the plan in advance.

The reason SIL always gets her way is because you all let her. It's not that you're all easygoing, you're all doormats and sound insufferable.

The purpose of the visit is for you to spend time with your family,it sounds like its occasional and that you don't mind what you do with them and go with the flow.
So,in essence you agree to your SIL deciding and arranging things.
Your DH doesn't and wants to do what he wants to do.
That sounds unreasonable as its so infrequent.
So, either he accepts the visit is for you to spend time with your family doing whatever they decide or he decides he won't go along with that so declines to visit.

Exactly this.

Having plans imposed on me for days on end no longer works for me. When I was younger I would go with it. Now not so much. I need to have some control over what I am doing if it’s goes on for days or I am really unhappy.

I make sure I have input on certain things when I am visiting - that’s over when I arrive, how I can leave, access to food I want to eat for longer periods. I also don’t want to be coerced into ‘activities’ and need opportunities for alone time. Probably makes me a joy to be around but that’s my line and I make sure to be agreeable and join in for most of the time.
There has to be balance.

If your family live a distance away presumably you've both spent money on this trip and taken leave from work?. I wouldn't want to use my time and money to have my Sil dictate what I'm going to do. Talk before hand and put up a united front. If she wants to go somewhere you don't say' that sounds nice but we are doing x, you're welcome to join or we'll catch up with you later. Either that or go by yourself and let your family call the shots.

I take the approach that things should be balanced between your family of origin and your husband's. Sometimes, depending on the location of each family, you can't balance it precisely (a week with them, a week with us) but there should be some balance.

Also, it should be balanced with the fact that time off work and school is in short supply. Neither you nor your husband nor your children should be spending significant amounts of rare vacation time being made miserable because you are forced to capitulate to the wants of people outside your nuclear family.

This can be moderated by "big" things like a parent with a terminal illness. But not with a generic "I don't know how long my parents will be with us so we have to do all our vacations with them."*

You are asking your husband to subsume his vacation wants to your sister-in-law's demands, during your visits to your parents. Why should your sister-in-law always get what she wants? Why can't your husband get some of the things he wants?

As for you, you sound like you are so used to pleasing other people that I am not sure you even KNOW what you want to do, since you say you would rather just do whatever your sister-in-law and your mother want, for your own peace. I am worried that life will pass you by and in 20 years you will look up and feel sad and angry that you were so afraid of your mother/SIL's ire that you didn't even get to KNOW what you wanted, let alone to actually DO any of it.

Life is short. Don't get to the end of it and look back and realize that you spent all your vacation time making other people happy by ignoring your own happiness. Your husband matters. You matter just as much as your husband. Your mother matters, but not to the exclusion of you or your husband. Your sister -in-law's happiness is...not your problem, and her happiness certainly does not necessitate you always giving in to her.

Your husband sounds annoying by just criticising the plans (and organisation work) of others. Tell him to make the plans himself he doesn’t like it.

This ^ absolutely
give us examples but I suspect that your DH has a point.

My husband doesn’t like this and as it’s my family he expects me to speak up and say we (mainly him) want to do something different

So he doesn't speak up himself - he wants you to encounter the discomfort? No he is being unreasonable, STOP getting dragged in, tell him if he has a problem with something thats organised - speak up.

Its not just a case "its your family - you have all the contact" - this isnt a massive fallout - this is not agreeing a dinner location; he doesn't get to call the shots from behind your back via your mouthpiece.

I had a similar dynamic. Sort of. Similar in some respects and different in others.

Actually, I can't tell if you think your DH is being difficult or is justified in his views. I had an XH who was a bit of both.

XH likes doing what he wants to do, doesn't like doing anything he doesn't want to do, and generally hates forward planning. When we were still a couple and went to visit my DPs, my DPs would suggest things and want to make plans, especially if something needed to be booked. I think they were partly worried about the DC getting bored. XH would never commit to anything ("maybe" is his stock answer to everything until the very last minute). I was stuck in the middle.

Things that helped...

I started visiting without him. So if he came every other visit then that made life a bit easier.

I would try to identify a couple of things XH did want to do and mention them in advance. Or say "We want to do X. It would suit us to do it on Yday" and then either suggest they come along or not depending on the activity.

Sometimes back up XH. If DPs were suggesting something that suited them more than us, I would say "actually, we had fish and chips last week, we'd really enjoy Chinese this time".

Divorced XH (bit extreme if you don't have other issues!)

My DPs like a plan. They were generally OK with the "we want to do x" approach, because for them it's often more about knowing what the plan is than the actual activity, if that makes sense.

[Edited for typo]

Would DH be happier not going? Would you be happier there without him?

Well of course he's moaning, I would be fed up in his position too.

In the sort of situation you describe when your DH suggests doing ABC and your SIL says "No, let's do XYZ", why on Earth can you not say "Actually I think I would prefer ABC too." You never know, someone else in the family might make that choice also. Even if they don't you would be putting down a marker that you are not always going to be dictated to by bossy boots SIL.

I agree with your husband that having the wishes of one person or one side dominate all the decisions and all the activities can be very dreary and its not fair. Cant you guys get together and divvy it up so one day its one lots choice, and then the other lot gets the deciding vote next time?? Its not that hard, and if mom and SIL kick off against it then that says a lot about their attitude towards controlling activities and always directing things. Everyone should have a say.

So he’s used to getting his own way and throws a wobbly when he doesn’t, on the odd occasion. He sounds lovely - NOT.

What happens if you want your own way at home. Or have you stopped asking that for an easy life?

Does he have to go?

Also you can message them in advance and tell them your preference if they refuse then you can leave dh at home

or send a polite message asking if you can choose the restaurant next time?

Like the strong minded mum and SIL

Make plans before they suggest. If your husband wants to go to a certain restaurant or place then say you’re going there if they would like to join. It’s then upto them if they object or join you.

My parents visited my Mum's brother and his wife. My Uncle's wife had mapped out what they were doing the entire 3 days my parents were there. No discussion, no asking for my parents input at all. She just announced that my Mum and her were doing X and my Uncle, her son and my Dad were doing XX! My Dad just turned around and said 'No, I don't want to go to XX, it's not somewhere I'd choose to go'!! My Uncle's wife was absolutely livid!!

Your Mum and SIL should be asking for your input, not just assuming you're all going to go along with their plans. I can understand why your husband is irritated to be honest. Of course the easy option is to go along with whatever plans your SIL has made. The problem with that is, if no one says anything, she'll just continue to decide on everyone's behalf forever more.

Is he willing to do the planning? Because it sounds like she does. Or does he want to express a preference and someone else plans?

If they are both going to behave like children then they need to learn to take turns.

Why does SIL get to ‘impose their way on others and control every show just to prove a point and show they’re boss’?

Everyone should be compromising here. Your SIL chooses the lunch venue today, your DH chooses it the next day, or picks the dinner venue or whatever. He shouldn’t have to put up with his whole vacation / visit being dictated by other people. He should also be allowed to go and do his own thing for a while too. When we visit my family my DH will sometimes go for a walk, out for a coffee, whatever, on his own. Gives him some breathing space and my parents some one on one time with me. And does your DH have to go with you on every visit?