Stuck in the middle with family and husband

Guessing your husband has anxiety right? If you don't see your family much maybe you should do visits without him? They probably want to see you not him anyway.

If you like him making decisions normally, then why wouldn’t he stick to that?

Your family sound like the overbearing ones here.

But it’s ok when women do the same thing? OP says her SIL and Mum do the exact same thing as her DH which is where the main tension lies. They all sound a bit insufferable.

I think if it is just a couple of weekends a year he needs to suck it up or stay at home. Or you could invite them all to you instead and he can come up with a programme of what you are all doing.
If he had a particular opinion on what he would like to do, could you not suggest that on his behalf and see what happens. It is odd that one person gets to dictate everything. Maybe suggest you plan a day each in terms of activity

I think it sounds like them that are rude - you are expected to fall in with their plans, stop wherever they want to stop but if you stop then they go off without you? I am team DH for wanting to put my foot down. It's fair enough to go along with some plans but it sounds like there is never any discussion and you are expected to just fall in line.
I think you could compromise the weekend like others have said - if they want a picnic but you don't then say that. Likewise for a meal out of they say let's go to X, why not say we always go there, would love to go to Y again as not been there in a while.

I’m team husband for at least half the visit. I expect my husband to support me with his family. Here you just make a call beforehand if necessary and let them know. Hi mum, looking forward to the weekend! Dh and I are going to this restaurant Saturday night, would you and dad like to come too?

That sounds awful actually. Leaving you if you don't keep up is unbelievably rude. Why do you expect your husband to put up with being treated like this?

Why is it so important to keep your mum and SIL happy, but your husband's feelings don't count?

If you're guests and your hosts are planning a spread, I think you need to go with that. But if he doesn't want a picnic on a day out that's fine, surely? You just say "actually, we fancy buying lunch there so don't make anything for us". If they sulk about not being in control of everything then that's their problem 🤷‍♀️

This

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and say something.
perhaps text or say to your M and SIL that your H finds it hard that what you are doing when you visit is done without consultation and let’s make a family WhatsApp group chat to put ideas on.
say to your H that you’re doing this so everyone can put a restaurant or activity into the chat and we can organise doing something from everyone’s choice.
I always find being truthful stops upset or arguments later.

Does your SIL insist on making food at home, i.e. the buffet and the picnic due to money being tight and not being able to afford to eat out? If that's the case, I can understand why they do it but I can also understand why your DH isn't keen. There doesn't seem to be much 'give and take' from your SIL and it sounds like everyone is scared of upsetting her.

ETA that I've just read your post saying that it's not a money issue so I think that you can tell them that you will be going to a restaurant rather than eating the picnic and will meet up with them afterwards.

It just feels awkward because then he’s moaning to me in private but pretends to be happy to them.

I think this is the bit where he’s being unfair. He can’t just put pressure on you in private and then say nothing.

I think you need to speak to your Mum and SIL and make sure they know your DH isn’t happy with not being consulted, and wants a say in plans.

And tell DH you really hate being in the middle so he needs to speak up for himself.

It doesn’t sound like they are objectively unreasonable things one way or the other (not akin to the MILs who won’t give their DIL’s any food but pile their son’s plate high) so it’s not like it’s a “your family, you must speak” situation.

My sil is like this. Her always making the plans mil agreeing. We get a last thought invite.

Sil Likes take away B I refuse to eat there as their last rating got a 1star!! But mil will
go along. So last time I ordered from take away A. Oh the evils while they waited for their B take away. I have zero fucks. I paid in full while mil paid for hers and sils. Though we haven’t been invited for another take away but I don’t care Im not eating bad food to harmony and constantly being ignored. Dh hates take away B as well and introduced me to take away A but he won’t stand up for himself 😩 I don’t mind being the bad evil dil.

Following them around sounds absolutely miserable.
Is money an issue for them is that why they don't want to eat out? Can you afford to pay for everyone for a meal out?
Can your mum not come and stay with you?

You are continually putting SIL above your DH and signalling to him that his preferences mean less than your SILs.

It’s exhausting going along and putting on a smile so as not to offend when you’re being dragged around to do things you don’t fancy and no one will listen to you. Traipsing around following other people and not having any say in food choices as a weekend away sounds utterly terrible. You’re expecting your husband to do it every time because you can’t be arsed to stand up for him. That isn’t “going with the flow”, it’s being a wet blanket.

He knows giving his opinion will just end up as him vs SIL. He knows you’ll agree with SIL over him to keep the peace because she’ll be more vocal, so he’ll look like a dick if he pushes it. He’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. Thats why he’s moaning to you. If numbers matter, your vote matters. Why won’t you back him up? You aren’t keeping “everyone” happy. You’re just keeping SIL happy and expecting him to suck it up. Would you rather he started acting like her and making his displeasure very obvious instead so he actually gets a say in his weekend breaks?

Errrr, actually it's not just about numbers. It's about people-pleasing. You, your mom, and your brother, are willing to not have preferences so as to avoid setting off your SIL. Your husband has preferences and is made unhappy when he is expected to give up his preferences so he can people-please. Just because the rest of you are ok being doormats doesn't mean your husband has to be one?

Id either leave him at home or tell him to suck it up for a couple of days..

he can’t have his way all the time and he should speak up for himself if he isn’t happy and not expect you to do it when you are happy going with the flow.

I think there is no way round it: this is never going to be easy. The talking over/not listening to what you two say sounds annoying! I think you could say, for example, "A picnic sounds great, but don't worry about us, we'd like to buy from what's on offer there."

Would DH take himself off to see something interesting instead of a walk and a chat? Or bring a book to read or a podcast to listen to! My uncle always gets the paper out when my mum and aunt get chatting!

What is your father like OP?
Seems to me that you & your brother have both married strong minded people, and your mother goes along with what SIL wants for the sake of an easy life, because you mention your DM deferring to your SIL.
Your DM feels there is more benefit or less consequences to defer to SIL.

I would step right back from this and say to him, "I honestly couldn't care less where we are going if Sarah is prepared to organise it. If you object to her plans then open your gob and say so, and you, her and Mum can thrash it out between you, but I'm not getting dragged into it"

He can then argue with them or go with the flow. Either way, it's not your problem.

If DH is fussy about what he does then maybe he needs to organise it in advance, as in “ Let’s go to d to eat on the Sunday, I’ll book the table for 6pm, and then on Tuesday let’s go for a picnic at x park , it’ll be fun for the kids. Has anyone got any thoughts about the other days?”
Presumably there is a family WhatsApp so he could put it on that. Why is he expecting you to argue when you don’t mind either way? Let him deal with it.