Will we ever get our house back

It sounds like she had her feet under the table - I hope your husband would rather have his wife and children than his mother!

Interesting indeed!

Never mind the interest, she can spend the bloody capital! She's the one who put herself in this situation. There's a reason people enter long house purchasing chains and don't sell their own until they've found somewhere to move into. She chose this situation, so now she needs to deal with the new situation and rent.

Oh OP you have my sympathy. We took in my husband's elderly uncle several years ago, as he became unwell, admitted to hospital etc. The property he'd been renting for decades in London wasn't fit for purpose, so he couldn't go back. We ended up moving him in with us, in Dorset... temporarily until he was better and we could find him a property to rent. After 3 months it became apparent he was well enough to move out, but he'd made no mention of finding anywhere. In the end we had a blunt conversation, you have 3 months to find a property and move out. If we hadn't, he'd still be living with us now!!

You need a conversation with your husband about a realistic timeframe for his Mum to move out. Your MIL had her property on the market for 12 months but in that time, didn't find a single property she liked???!!!! You are absolutely correct to be concerned. She's now living in your home! She could take another 12 months, living in your home to find a property! At the very least her belongings need to be going into storage. Your husband then needs a serious conversation with his Mum, making it clear, that she needs to make an effort to find a property and we moved out within a specific timeframe. Both of you need to offer to look/go to viewings.

Why have you equated not wanting to share a living space with not ‘wanting’ someone? It’s an interesting conflation.

My ex fil was forced to live with us, it started as a temporary two week stay that turned into twelve months. My dh loved it as he hadn’t lived with his dad since he was 11 ish and I was totally pushed out of my home and routine.
I issued an ultimatum in the end it was him or me and as I was also pregnant with baby no2 my ex husband knew he had to sort it out. Horrible twelve months, I’ll never ever have a parent or in law live me with again and never will I live with my adult children. The stress was awful so no I don’t think you are unreasonable to get this sorted and the sooner the conversation happens the better

You should have ironed this out with your husband and MIL at the start.

Absolutely, it made a huge impact on their children too - they learnt Greek and are now both fluent, they learnt not to put themselves first, they learnt humanity and to see the world through the eyes of non-English speaking migrants, they realised that elderly people are precious and fragile, etc. etc. They learnt to mend and do, and most importantly, they learnt what love is. You can see I am still jealous. They would certainly not be listening what my friend told them - she told them the same - don't move us in when we are decrepit - they know what love is and what family us.

She had a year to find a new home.

i suspect when you have this conversation that you are going to discover your MIL lives with you now.

I personally wouldn't expect to stay at my son's or daughter's unless it was very short term. The fact that its disrupted your household and impacted on your children's sleeping arrangements as well as living amongst her things, is not really helping the situation. It sounds like shes made herself comfortable there and isn't in a hurry to move out. Maybe you could have a word with her and tell her that whilst you dont mind helping her out, the living arrangements are not really suitable for your family long term.

All the best. I think the fact that you all like each other means you’re half way there already.

Agree with this. How are the kids with suddenly sharing a room?

I would definitely ask how the search is going and what help she needs etc.

I think it’s best to speak to DH early before any resentment starts to set in. Also sets expectations so he knows where you stand

She is going no where!

@Feis123 it's not that they're unwanted as people in someone's life. It's that when a family buys a home, they do so with the attitude of buying the space they need. Not with it in mind that hypothetically 4 parents may also want to move in! It isn't practical for the in-laws or parents to move in due to space. It's the lack of space and lack of privacy that's the issue.

Many families would find it cheaper and life more easily affordable to house share a 4bed with another family than to rent/buy a 2bed but nobody ever does it because sharing sucks! People want their own space, they don't want the compromises that comes with sharing.

You move out from your parents home to get freedom, moving back in with them in either house is a PITA and curtails that freedom. In-laws moving in is even worse! They're basically just "people", acquaintances/friends, not actually blood relations with a shared history and natural bond. It's an even more awkward loss of freedom.

When people spend a significant chunk of their income housing themselves, they want to do so in a way that they can live their lives how they choose. Plenty of marriages/relationships break up because people can't live with each other and each others ways and habits - and that's someone you've chosen and loved! How much more difficult it is when it's not your partner you're living with and compromising for.

We all may or may not become parents, we may or may not become in-laws. But whether we do or don't have children and daughters/sons-in-law, we can be sure that nobody will ever want us moving into their happy home that suits them and the life they've built, putting a spanner in the works with our presence. It's ridiculous to think otherwise TBH and would just be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

That's lovely, but my grandparents lived with us for over 10 years and my parents have always said most emphatically that we are never to do the same for them. It broke my mum, and it had a huge impact on us as children. My GPs never made a single friend locally either, so I imagine they were pretty lonely too.

As others have said this needs an end date agreed in everyone’s interests. This includes your MIL. Giving up her independence is not in her best interests - I’ve seen friends have parents come and live with them because friend got the idea their parents were ‘old and frail’ but in reality they just needed a bit more support navigating finances, house repairs or healthcare. One friend ended up having to move her parent out after another baby arrived and amazingly her parent thrived having their own space again. The ‘old and frail’ parent lived for another two decades. Everyone had been doing what they thought everyone else wanted and were foregoing what they each needed to avoid cause offence.

Well, that isn’t true, is it?

The OP has clearly welcomed her MIL to stay with her…just not until the rapture.

The OP’s mil needs to be more proactive is all.

What a kind thing to do for your MIL. I had a wonderful late MIL, who was a very easy houseguest, I miss her everyday.

Things I would suggest is checking RM daily to help her search. Speak to local agents etc. If the storage is an issue, then absolutely say as longer than expected, out source storage options. Make the most on the on site babysitter and have date nights and perhaps a short break so you and DH marriage doesn’t suffer. Remember it’s temporary, and you might need her help in the future.

Good luck

I think the time for having a conversation and putting her stuff in storage was perhaps before she moved in. How seriously is she looking for a new home? Are her plans realistic - can she afford what she wants/needs or is she looking for something exceptional at an unrealistic price? Has she registered with local agents, is she on Rightmove every day? Is she doing viewings? Maybe she needs some active support - if she lived in her previous home for years, the thought of starting over could be daunting. Perhaps offering proactive help might be a good starting point for a discussion.

I think moving her stuff into storage would be a good start too. I can't imagine having an entire extra house of belongings in my home. Having to pay money for this storage every month might also focus her mind on the house search. Hopefully the property market is as flat near you as it seems to be generally as she could otherwise very easily find herself priced out if she didn't get a move on.

I would happily live with family I get on with so long as there's enough room for everyone. If I had to of course we could all double up, use the living room as a bedroom but luckily I don't need to.OP's MIL has enough money to buy her own home or she could suggest everyone moving somewhere bigger. Personally when I go on holiday with family I still need my own space.
It's all a balance and easily upset.

I know of someone who moved in temporarily after her partner died and stayed 27 years. What was the agreement when she moved in?

You've been played OP. They're both taking the piss and she's got no intentions of moving out. Don't worry about her or DH feeling she's unwelcome - she is unwelcome! Be honest about it, don't pussy foot around else you'll find your concerns dismissed as unimportant and be railroaded into accepting the situation indefinitely. This is your home and your life, stand up for yourself.

Definitely agree a date for moving out. As this date approaches she needs to be looking at rentals, she's not going to buy somewhere quickly enough. No arguments about how she "can't afford it" on her pension - she doesn't only have her income to live on, she has the sale price of the house and she's going to have to use some of it for rent. 6 months in the average private rental will focus her mind on buying somewhere!

As far as buying something goes, all this nonsense about "not being able to find somewhere" has to stop. She's not going to be able to find eg the conveniences of a 3 bedroom house type situation in a 1 bedroom flat. So she needs to accept reality, downsizing means things drastically changing and altering her lifestyle to fit her new circumstances.

She's inconveniencing you badly and your DC, she's putting a strain on your marriage and has filled your home with her crap. It's completely unreasonable. She never should have moved in. There's property for sale on Rightmove every single day. She's now at the point where she has to pick one. Rather than comparing them all to the cushy set up she has now or the situation she had before, finding the available properties lesser than and saying they're "unsuitable" as a result.

If she doesn't like where she's picked and can't settle there then she can move again in a few years, like everyone else has to do. If that happens don't accept her into your home again. If she sells without somewhere go to then she's going to have to rent while she looks.

Definitely don't build an annex! Unless you really want to be her old age carer. It's not fair your family should bare the brunt of that cost either and the alternative is her owning a stake in your property, if she pays for the annex to be built. Not a situation you want to get into, you'd be even more trapped.