Page 9 | “You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

Samuelthespaniel · 2026-05-19T08:36:41+00:00

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here. For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family). When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development. Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions. He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised. I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well. Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

Original poster

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 12:18

To answer some pps, the age gap is he’s 5 years my senior so not insignificant but not so much that we’re of a completely different generation either.

We did end up talking about it a bit more and he said if it were him he would have had the respect to say (like he does when he has events on with the guys or work) “I’m looking at going away on x date, is that okay, have we got anything on?”. The thing is I didn’t have dates in mind yet so there was no point, and I actually did say it to him and he literally said “off with you”. He said that being married we had the respect to check if something is okay with the other and that because I said no way to an Amsterdam trip with the lads (perhaps stupidly, but he did mention the kind of unsavoury antics that go on) so that if I go on this trip I essentially can’t veto any trips for him either. I mean I will take responsibility as I wasn’t in favour of the Amsterdam trips as ironically I too am concerned for safety in the event of him drinking too much and hitting his head/choking on vomit, those are things I genuinely am concerned about. But ultimately it is his choice and those things could happen anywhere, and I said I doubt he was going to ask if it’s okay if he does on the couple of stag dos he has coming up next year. He said of course he’d check with me to see if it’s alright. So I suppose it’s a bit tit for tat now.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 19/05/2026 12:17

I don’t understand your point.
Your DH is working. Lots of people work in all sorts of locations.
But she said she can go away for a break and work all at the same time. I can only assume she means she works part time.

Say she works 9/5
She'll have time to have a hotel breakfast and maybe gym before work. An hour to stay local to the hotel at lunch time but get out for fresh air. Finish at 5 and the rest of the evening is hers. She said city break so I'm assuming uk, it is light until at least 10 so plenty of time to explore and relax whether it is inside or outside the hotel.
I know this because I've said in a previous post its what I do when I go on dHs conferences and wfh ( work from hotel)

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 12:17

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 11:56

Why do you think she wouldn't be? Even if she didn't do much work when there, and did more holidaying - so?
It's her time away, she shouldn't have to justify how much work she would or wouldn't be doing to him, if he's "suspicious" that's his problem to manage, not hers. He either trusts her or he doesn't.

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I didn’t expect her to justify it to him. At all.
I would to her employer. . And if her employer is fine with her taking a break ( and she might be self employed), and working combo then all is well. It sounded a bit like trying to do both things at once.

pinkspeakers · 19/05/2026 12:16

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 12:14

No, I didn’t think he wouldn’t believe it.
I found it a bit unlikely. Sure people work flexibly. Some will work early in the morning, late into the night. But depending on where she goes will impact on the ability to link up with others time wise etc. It all sounds a bit unrealistic.

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There may be no time difference. There may be only an hour or two. Her job might not involve linking up very frequently. Obviously it wont work for all jobs but it will work for some. I think you have a very narrow view of what other people's working lives might look like.

godmum56 · 19/05/2026 12:15

Jollyhockeystickss · 19/05/2026 11:59

Good for you but you seriously need to talk to him if you want children as the red flags are huge, hes the type of man that will say you are a mother now and thats your role and youre not going anywhere, and if you disobey him will try and take the children from you

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I wouldn't be doing the serious talking. I would be doing ducks in a row. he has shown her who he is, why would she not believe him?

pinkspeakers · 19/05/2026 12:14

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:56

If she works from home usually, or works flexibly and her employers don't have an issue with it, what's the problem?

I'm an academic. As long as I'm there for my classes and office hours, fulfil my admin responsibilities, supervise my reseach students etc etc, then my line managers don't care where I am writing up research etc. I could easily take my laptop to Tangiers/Chicago/Marseille/Naples for a few days, work during the day much as usual and sight-see etc in my free time.

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Exactly. My husband and I are both academics. We spent a month in the south of France and took work with us. We counted it as two weeks of holiday.

My daughter has a full time hybrid job, she only normally does 2 days a week in the office. She sometimes visits friends in Europe and does some of her hybrid days there, but also usually takes a little holiday too. Even if she doesn't, she has the weekends and evenings to go out somewhere different.

Personally I'm not sure I would choose to take a trip abroad without taking any leave at all, but I wouldn't necessarily rule it out either.

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 12:14

ConverselyAttired · 19/05/2026 11:53

She said:

" Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc"

What are you not getting? You work from 9-12 or 1, go out for a bit on your lunch break, work 2-5 then go and sightsee/have dinner. It's light pretty late.

Your point seemed to be that he wouldn't believe she will work from the hotel. Why?

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No, I didn’t think he wouldn’t believe it.
I found it a bit unlikely. Sure people work flexibly. Some will work early in the morning, late into the night. But depending on where she goes will impact on the ability to link up with others time wise etc. It all sounds a bit unrealistic.

Powerhousera · 19/05/2026 12:12

The man is clearly paranoid and maybe slightly mentally ill. He probably sits there and overthinks and stresses about everything and also probably has trust issues. You'll never be free with someone like that. They will only love you if you fall in line because everything is about control with them and not true love. If that's good enough for you then stay there but it's whack af to me.

Iamstardust · 19/05/2026 12:11

As others have said he's treating you like a small child, he issues a threat and then tells you it isn't a threat. And then tells you not allowed to bring this subject again.
These things happen gradually. The pressure and dominance doesn't need to be especially overt, it just needs to be there in the background keeping you oppressed, making you feel intimidated. Without necessarily being fully aware you start to doubt yourself, you start to subordinate yourself to him.

Cherrytree86 · 19/05/2026 12:10

You can’t leave your poor husband all his own, OP! You’re married now, solo trips are for single people. Why even get married if you want to gallivant alone?

Luckyforsome23 · 19/05/2026 12:08

Are finances an issue? If not I would go for it. I have such fond memories of my solo trips.

Contrarymary30 · 19/05/2026 12:08

This is why I'm happily single . I'd go on your break and ignore him tbh .

pinkspeakers · 19/05/2026 12:07

Some of his responses are extremely nasty and unreasonable. They are designed to make you feel bad about yourself and as if you are in the wrong for hurting/neglecting him, when you are doing nothing of the sort. I cannot imagine my DH speaking to me like that.

In the last few years i have travelled completely on my own, for pleasure, on a few occasions. I have had a week in Malaysia, a few days in Stockholm and a few days in Washington DC. I have recently booked flights for a two week trip on my own to Georgia and Armenia and am very excited. My DH does not bat an eyelid!

BrightNewLife · 19/05/2026 12:07

As well as behaving like a petulant child, he is using every trick in the book @Samuelthespaniel

He is now trying to guilt trip you and diminish you (control tactics) by trying to redefine your character in his preferred image (e.g., naive, unaware, etc).

This also forces you to defend yourself from multiple angles instead of discussing the original point: whether you are allowed to make an autonomous decision!

He is also taking a pompous and authoritarian stance to try and make his case appear more sound, whereas it is rubbish.

Well done for staying grounded and clear headed!

Trust your gut (and seriously consider your marriage, it is controlling).

alexdgr8 · 19/05/2026 12:05

I assumed from the thread title that this was a dispute between parents about letting a youngster to town on their own for the first time.
Might as well be from his point of view except he has co opted OP as a sort of wife child figure that he is in charge of.
This does not bode well.
If anyone is doubting this
Read up on coercive control.

ConstanzeMozart · 19/05/2026 12:05

He''s controlling, patronising, threatening (of course saying he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when you get back is a threat!) and now he's being emotionally manipulative ('not talking about it anymore' and 'if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job.'
I want you to have this trip and have a nice time, but I also think you have bigger problems.

YourOliveBalonz · 19/05/2026 12:03

Such a red flag. I know you are married but I would seriously consider your future here. Have a baby with him and you’re not only tied for life and less easily able to start over, you are also more likely to see him escalate his controlling ways at a time you can least push back against them. It may seem like a small thing but he’s really saying he will punish you for not abiding by him, it’s nothing to do with your safety (surely if you come back safe there’s nothing more to say?!) He would be able to control you around your child’s ‘safety’ too.

EggStation · 19/05/2026 12:00

OP, I would want to know what these ‘consequences’ would be.

I urge you not to have kids with this man. I have worked in MH for 30y and his attitude towards you is making me very uncomfortable.

Jollyhockeystickss · 19/05/2026 11:59

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills.

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

Good for you but you seriously need to talk to him if you want children as the red flags are huge, hes the type of man that will say you are a mother now and thats your role and youre not going anywhere, and if you disobey him will try and take the children from you

ConverselyAttired · 19/05/2026 11:58

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:56

If she works from home usually, or works flexibly and her employers don't have an issue with it, what's the problem?

I'm an academic. As long as I'm there for my classes and office hours, fulfil my admin responsibilities, supervise my reseach students etc etc, then my line managers don't care where I am writing up research etc. I could easily take my laptop to Tangiers/Chicago/Marseille/Naples for a few days, work during the day much as usual and sight-see etc in my free time.

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Exactly. We've done this plenty of times - gone somewhere for a few days and DH has worked a couple of the days to save some annual leave (and save money on the flights etc as Fridays/Sundays are more expensive). I can't WFH so don't do the same.

YeahNoBut · 19/05/2026 11:57

What is the difference in age between you both? It comes across as an authoritarian parent dictating what the “foolish, irresponsible young child” is permitted to do…. I would not stay if threatened like that, or treated with such contempt.

RedToothBrush · 19/05/2026 11:57

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills.

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

Go away on your trip.

Your personal safety is a matter for you not him. You are an adult who was making these decisions before you married.

It's control and he sees you as your property and is infantilising you as incapable of making decisions for yourself.

If he decides its a deal breaker, that's his decision.

It's really no ok.

If he does it over this, he will do it over other things. You do not want to have children with a man who thinks you are incapable of making adult decisions alone and that he is lord and master of your personal safety.

Tell him you are going and he can spend the time reflecting on this.

Sparkysmum · 19/05/2026 11:56

You are not joined at the hip but perhaps your husband is. .

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:56

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:41

Well it has become her issue because it has caused the reaction in him it has.
Most successful relationships of any sort do rely on a degree of tact, timing, sensitivity and listening skills by both parties.
She even admits in her post that some of her conversation with hindsight wasn’t the best.
I don’t say she should not go. But I am more puzzled by the going away and I will still be at work ! Turning in a full amount of work. Not a chance.

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If she works from home usually, or works flexibly and her employers don't have an issue with it, what's the problem?

I'm an academic. As long as I'm there for my classes and office hours, fulfil my admin responsibilities, supervise my reseach students etc etc, then my line managers don't care where I am writing up research etc. I could easily take my laptop to Tangiers/Chicago/Marseille/Naples for a few days, work during the day much as usual and sight-see etc in my free time.

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 11:56

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:46

Alright then perhaps I should have simply said ‘how she talked to him about it’.

I don’t think she shouldn’t go. But first of all he was I think concerned, then a bit suspicious. And I for one don’t think she will be working and holidaying all at the same time either.

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Why do you think she wouldn't be? Even if she didn't do much work when there, and did more holidaying - so?
It's her time away, she shouldn't have to justify how much work she would or wouldn't be doing to him, if he's "suspicious" that's his problem to manage, not hers. He either trusts her or he doesn't.