“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

Is he perhaps projecting? I wouldn't feel comfortable going on a solo break, so I tried to talk my mum out of one, and felt really sorry for her going on her own. But she explained to me that it was fine, and she really enjoyed it. I should never have tried to talk her out of it, but I didn't want her to get there and realise she didn't want to be on her own.

@Samuelthespaniel
If say, your husband was the one planning a trip on his own and you really wanted to be a part of that trip. If you were to say to him to delay going, would he delay the trip?
It is a difficult one, because he wants you to go with a friend, so he's not completely saying no you can't go.
I think before becoming annoyed with one situation, you need to look at the whole of your relationship if there are any other controlling events.

Before kids, there were a few times I told DH I was off for the weekend after I‘d booked the flights. Solo trips doing things he doesn’t enjoy. Sometimes I met up with a friend living in that city, sometimes I was completely alone.

Being charitable, is your OH someone who would never imagine going somewhere alone? Neither DH nor I had an issue with eating alone, going to the cinema alone or travelling alone, although we did all of that and more with each other and friends too.

We still do things alone now from time to time, although we talk it through and ask permission first as someone needs to be there for our child.

I would be booking the city break and a solicitor when I got back.
I'm law abiding but there is no way I'm going to be told what I can and can't do by anyone.

After your update on Amsterdam I think you do need to reflect and acknowledge you were being inappropriately controlling, whilst standing firm about the unacceptable way he has spoken to you recently.

In a monogamous relationship it's perfectly reasonable to object to strip clubs etc, and to your partner taking part in exploitation of other women. But to 'veto' his trip on safety grounds, as if he couldn't assess this himself? That's exactly what he's trying to do to you now!

Having said that, I couldn't tolerate a partner who thought he was responsible for my safety, if he really does think this, wtf? I think you need to unpick your responsibilities for each other and obligations to each other with him & be prepared to accept having overstepped the mark yourself in the past.

As well as him feeling some resentment about you vetoing his trip, is there also some embarrassment on his part? Do his mates know it was you who put a stop on the Amsterdam trip and does he now feel embarrassed about them knowing he can't stop you going away? That doesn't make his response to you ok, and it's immature at best, but it might mean safety is a bit of a red herring.

He thinks you would be safer if you didn’t go alone. What’s his justification ? And as he’s planning to attend a stag do away in the near future, ask him whether he thinks there’s any more safety in numbers when you’re in the company of blokes likely throwing caution to the wind in favour of getting totally wasted.

This. I go somewhere alone every few months, though! Absolutely lovely and restorative,

"Sorry for confusion, but I wasn't asking for permission, I was informing you. Thank you for your concern, but I have got it. Please feel free to go on a similar trip solo too."

I go alone somewhere every couple of years. It is the best.

I have to agree. A man that talks about respect within the marriage - as in OP’s update - but then talks to his life partner and equal in terms of ‘off with you’ and ‘I don’t want to hear from you for the rest of the night’ is a real cause for concern because clearly he doesn’t consider respect a two way street, so what else does he consider appropriate for himself but not for OP ? And absolutely not a man to have children with because they would undoubtedly be used as pawns for control and coercion.

Not okay. I do exactly this sort of trip once a year usually and have done so forever. We have dc. I don’t want a family holiday. I want to relax and go to a museum and eat at nice restaurants and read a book and go for a swim occasionally. So I leave dc at home with Dh and take myself off for a few days. Dh also gets to go do things he enjoys too at other times.

Absolutely no way would I tolerate anyone telling me I can’t travel. That said, Dh literally met me when I was living solo and working and travelling in Asia, so he knows this is how I am and this is the life he signed up for. He wouldn’t think of saying no. We just work out the childcare logistics between us.

I've read your updates, but they make little difference as far as I'm concerned. He threatened you with consequences. Not a veiled threat, an actual threat. I wouldn't be able to get past that and I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. He thinks he can dictate to you and punish you. This is not a man to have children with.

OP he’s talking about respect within the marriage and checking with each other - but isn’t that what you did ? You were thinking about doing this but didn’t have any specific plans, so mentioned it casually. What’s his problem - in the way that you brought it up, the words you used ? I ask because if his idea of being respectful is ‘off with you’ and ‘I don’t want to hear from you for the rest of the night’ you really do have a problem. OK, so you vetoed the Amsterdam trip, but l think that’s different in that there were legitimate concerns and he must have seen it from your point of view if he agreed not to go ?

If he’s got stag trips planned alone, what’s his justification for him being able to go, while he’s voicing thoughts such as ‘you’re not going alone’ when you essentially suggest the same thing. On a stag do with a load of drunken out of control mates, I don’t necessarily think there’s any safety in numbers, if you going solo is his concern.

You are right, we don’t.

Of course it’s a threat.

If you back down now it will only get worse. I’m sorry he’s like this but you have to push back if you don’t want it to be your life going forward.

Controlling men habitually use the ‘it’s for your own safety’ defence. Or because they imply you’re not competent to make those decisions. I’ve discovered that that’s bullshit and they’re not always right. Losing your autonomy undermines your confidence and sense of freedom. It’s insidious. Don’t let him make your life smaller. I know for a fact you’ll regret it one day.

PS women go on holiday on their own all the time. I do regularly. I’ve been abroad. I’ve gone with small children. I’ve gone on driving holidays to unfamiliar towns. I’ve had a ball and every single time it’s built up my confidence and sense that I can handle things.

I think after that conversation I would have immediately gone online and booked my flights.

I used to have a job that required me to fly all over the world. DH always used to encourage me to tag a few days onto the end of my trip to have a bit of me time, site-seeing etc.

But you have no idea what OP does for a living? Maybe she doesn’t need to link up with other people. Most of my team work in a completely different time zone to me. I could very easily spend a few days working on a presentation or a data file with absolutely no need to speak to anyone else directly.

The difference is a stag party in Amsterdam isn't because they love the Netherlands, it's all about drinking and the sex industry. You haven't said where you want to go but I doubt it's so you can spend 4 days pissed, on weed and throwing money at male strippers Op. When men really don't want you to do something it's too often judging you by their standards, they'd misbehave so that must be why you're going.
He speaks to you like you're a naive teenager instead of an educated woman in her 20s and none of his arguments hold water, he just doesn't want you having a life without him.

@Samuelthespaniel He's presenting binary options again. Once more, it isn't these extreme "either or's" - it is not "You said no to a trip so I say no to yours". He is not showing any ability to understand nuance or context - not many people would be happy with a stag do with known "unsavoury" events like strip clubs etc. Just because you hesitated on that doesn't mean he gets to shut down your trip – again, that is childish.

I keep tagging you as I want you to read these! (Or at least listen to the other posters who have experienced this, as we can see it clearly as control).

If she can see all she wants to after 5pm then she is happy. And so is her employer assuming she is not her own boss.
It works well when I've done it.

Its a change of environment so it feels different. Its nice having room service when im working in a hotel and as I said its light at the evenings so theres still time for plenty to do.
It really does feel like a mini break even though you are working.

Oh dear. I was with you until you mentioned the veto on Amsterdam, @Samuelthespaniel.

Your earlier posts were almost giving me palpitations. And making me feel glad to be single.

But, yeah - you ruined your own argument.

The two of you need some marriage counselling. Because this isn’t acceptable in either case.

Please go, enjoy yourself, and don't let anyone tell you it is unreasonable to do so. If he can't turn things around, apologise, and understand that you are still allowed freedom whilst married, I think you have an answer regarding how much he respects you.

I'm married and have kids, and have been away previously for a few days on my own. I needed a reset, and my DH understood that. He gets time away on work trips regularly (which often have plenty of time for him to do his own thing), but if he wanted a weekend away I would also understand and try to facilitate.

We did have a discussion about where he felt comfortable with me travelling to on my own, but there were very few options he wasn't comfortable with. I do understand that there will always be some places he would really rather I didn't go alone. He wouldn't stop me, but I know he wouldn't sleep or relax while I was away, so would try not to put him through that.

Saying you aren't streetwise is insulting, particularly to someone who grew up in a city as you did. It also implies you are dependent on him.

Have a great time on your trip!

Run. And keep running. What kind of poor excuse for a man threatens you like that? A very insecure one who wants to keep you in your place, only doing what he sanctions.

If she can see all she wants to after 5pm then she is happy. And so is her employer assuming she is not her own boss.

You're slightly missing then point though in the sense that you may have win the battle but you haven't won the war.

It's great that you can assert yourself in this situation where you can control what you do. But if you merge finances or have kids or do anything that requires consensus, you'll have a battle on your hands and you may not win, particularly if he has power to veto.

So now you can't do things that require complete trust like having a shared bank account or rely on him to take decisions in your best interests (such as if you need him to act on your behalf because you're incapacitated because you can't trust he will do what you would want for yourself rather than making the choice about what he thinks is best, like in a power of attorney situation).

You may well be right about the time difference. And the other aspects of work.

But you aren’t right about a narrow view ! No.