“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

He's being ridiculous! You're an adult! What if you were single, would he expect you to never leave your local area? That not caring, its controlling.

OP I think if you choose to have children in the future I would think very carefully of allowing him any position of financial power over you. Sounds like he would abuse it.

DH behaviour aside I think the majority of people, if you were being honest, would be uncomfortable with their partner going on a solo holiday trip.

If someone posted their husband wanted to go for a long weekend to Blackpool on their own to take in the sights and sea etc people would immediate jump to being sceptical and making accusations of cheating. Therefore, on one hand you can understand a partner not liking this suggestion.

Also if you go away 3-4 times a year already would this solo trip resulting in excessive spending that takes away from joint savings? Even short city breaks can lead to run away costs. So if you're suddenly spending alot more on yourself compared to DP, or limiting the ability to save for a house project etc then I would also say this is selfish.

Not really, Going to AMS with mates, on a drunken spree with strip clubs etc, Is effectively putting yourself & your marriage at risk.
Whereas, going to ex. Vienna alone, to sightsee & do a few museums is not !

I have lived with this sort of disapproval, (even going home to visit my parents caused tension.) I never gave in, I am a grown adult, he does not decide what I can & cannot do.

Wrt the Amsterdam trip - do you have reason to believe that he would drink himself to oblivion, vomit and choke? Has his past behaviour led you to believe that this might be the case?

If yes and he is known to have a problem with alcohol, self control and general behaviour when drunk, then I'd say you weren't totally unreasonable to have been concerned enough to prefer him not to go.

If he has never behaved in an irresponsible way before - then in that case I would say you were in the wrong and showing signs of being overly anxious.

But his forbidding of your trip on what seem to be spurious grounds is so controlling that I wonder if the pair of you are very very anxious and that you are propping each other up and maybe reinforcing one another's behaviours?

Either that or he's a dick.

Who goes on holiday but is also working ?

Lots of people. I've done it several times over the past several years and I will be doing it again this year. It's a great way of maximising your annual leave.

This is so weird as me and DH had a similar conversation last weekend. I’d like to do a short, 2 night break on my own to a city we both know well.
Slightly different situation here as we have a 4yo.
My DHs response was that he was a bit worried about my safety as I have a rubbish sense of direction and some parts of the city are a bit rough but aside from that he’s more than happy.

As partners I think you’re allowed to say you dont want your partner to do something but not to say that they can’t.
My DH has been on a few trips to places I really wished he’d avoid for safety reasons but I wouldn’t attempt to stop him. Instead we talk about how to make me comfortable with him going (he tells me his safety precautions, he puts a temporary tracker on his phone etc) - because we’re parters not parent and child!

I think your DH has backed himself into a corner and is struggling to be ok with you going without feeling like he ‘lost’ the argument. Bit childish but it happens.

Will he calm down over the next few days then you can talk again. Maybe push on exactly what he’s worried about as my guess is it’s less about you being safe and more you being on your own.

Well done for calling him out on his threats to you!

Now what are you going to do about it? Are you going to let him dictate to you for the rest of your lives? Men like this don't change.

She obviously can't prevent him from going on stag dos either, though it's a totally different kettle of fish. She can divorce him if he is unfaithful on a stag do though.

So should he have just gone to Amsterdam then?

the thing is, if his complaint was that you didn't even vaguelly discuss it with him, I'd sort of understand. DH and I, pre kids, would 100% have had a chat about what we thought about it, and co-ordinated on timings etc.

But he's backtracking a bit in that it sounds liek he basically said if you go, he's going to punish you. And now he's saying he was upset that you didn't discuss it. So ....

I do think however that you nixing him going to Amsterdam on a stag was ridiculous too.

I don't want to sound patronising but you both sound very immature.

"Not a chance" get a grip, you have no idea about the OP's job or working arrangements.

Assuming you do what you like in your free time outside of work what does it matter if it's at home or somewhere else, if the OP's job allows it? Sounds like someone's jealous they don't get to work from wherever they like.

And OP yes you should go on the trip- and never return. He's a controlling arse.

I wouldn't have asked my DH's permission, I'd have just told him I was going.

I skimmed and didn't realise that you actually vetoed his Amsterdam trip. You shot yourself in the foot there I'm afraid.

It doesn't absolve him from the threats and consequences thing at all. However, I do wonder how you worded your veto.

Ah ha... just seen the comments about an Amsterdam stag do now.... yuk etc...... I think he doesn't trust you OP.

So.. he was equating you saying no to a trip because he and his friends get up to "unsavoury antics" and him saying no to you wanting to travel alone at all?

Oh yes, maybe you are naive. Not about single women in cities. About married men in cities.

Where is it that you're travelling to? Is it a remote eastern European city or something? It sounds less like concern for your safety though and more like control. Sounds though as if he's feeling left out, wants to come with you and is so used to doing everything together that he's being petulant because of that.

Maybe he has trust issues? He thinks you might have a quick fling with someone there...? Maybe he's basing his lack of trust on his own self....?

I know in my last relationship he had absolutely no issue with me travelling alone... then again, I've done it since I was a teenager. Turned out he actually didn't give many shits about me in the end... he couldn't have cared less if I'd ran away with a sexy local I reckon!

So were sooooooo unreasonable to have vetoed his Amsterdam trip, OP

You reap what you sow…

@Samuelthespaniel

In what world does someone get to tell you, a grown adult woman, that you can’t go somewhere on your own? In a controlled world; that’s where.
This is definitely controlling behaviour dressed up as “looking after you”.
You don’t need looking after you’re not a child.
I’d be telling him to fuck right off.

I think you need to go and reflect on your marriage whilst you are there.
He may just be jealous you have some leave left and he doesn't!!
A few days solo arty trip is very different to a stag do in Amsterdam!
There is a way of demonstrating care/concern for a person about safety etc that is very much loving and there is an unpleasant and controlling way too. Unfortunately I think your DH falls into the latter category.
My DH was a bit protective about what I did whilst pregnant but if he overstepped the mark I pushed back and he accepted it. I'm disabled now and my DH can be a bit negative about what I can manage but I shut it down straight away. He knows if he doesn't I will consider staying with him!
(I've been in an abusive relationship before, no children, but now need to consider what is best for myself as well as my children. Not saying my current relationship is abusive but certain boundaries are in place!!!)

Yes and OPs update that she banned him from a trip because of safety concerns shows that it is actually quite unfair.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

Holy crap, I'd have gone straight to book the trip!

I don’t think that’s the issue. OP had legitimate reasons for not wanting him to go to Amsterdam on a stag do, and if he chose not to go, then he clearly understood her reasoning and whatever was behind it. There are no clear reasons for his objection to OP’s trip, other than she wants to go alone. He speaks to her as though she’s a child, rather than his equal partner, and now he’s treating her like a child to be reined in. That’s what’s unacceptable. And according to OP he’s planning to go on another stag trip in the near future - what’s his justification in thinking there’s any more safety in numbers in the company of out of control drunken ‘stags’ intent on getting wasted, than there is in a sober solo trip which mixes work and sight seeing ?

Hmmmm. He is being controlling but so were you. I'd apologise for vetoing the trip and agree in the future both people can make up their own minds provided nothing is planned.

Do you know the term “gaslighting” @Samuelthespaniel ? There are so many examples of it in your op.

He makes a statement, and then tells you that it means the opposite of what he has just said:

I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own.

When you challenge him with an objective fact, he disregards it, or tells you that doesn’t count:

we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”

Or he refuses to listen and tries to shut you down completely:

He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night

He makes a threat that he won’t take responsibility for, but won’t retract, and tries to alter your perception of what he has literally just said:

we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat.

Then the whole mind bending nonsense of not being able to go away for 3 days but crack on with taking a year off.

You cannot argue with someone like this. They just keep reinventing reality to support their perception of their own identity. There’s no solid point you can agree on, because anything can be re-interpreted to suit them.

We tend to assume good faith, and that the other person understands the nature of the world like we do. It’s very destabilising and exhausting to deal with this. You can end up thinking that whatever you wanted isn’t worth it, or feel you were unreasonable to want it in the first place.