Page 5 | “You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

Samuelthespaniel · 2026-05-19T08:36:41+00:00

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here. For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family). When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development. Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions. He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised. I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well. Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

JuliaRobHurts · 19/05/2026 14:33

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 14:22

Reading the posts here, thanks everyone, just to clarify, there was no actual tangible trip to Amsterdam, this was a hypothetical and no I didn’t issue any ultimatum )although DH knows I am quite anti-drug personally) it was thrown out as a suggestion that one of the guys might have a stag in there and my response was essentially no chance , I know what state everyone would be in, which looking back wasn’t right either, I suppose the only edge I have is that I know what groups of lads do in Amsterdam and that my husband has form for throwing up and I can only imagine that it would be exacerbated if the booze was mixed with the other stuff and how typical lad culture everyone eggs eachother on. He said himself to my brother only the other day that it’s not a place he’d go with the guys as it would be too messy so I know what the expectation would be. But again I know that this can happen anywhere.But the difference is I wouldn’t say there would be consequences if he decided to go.

I can’t imagine him having the same concerns about me, he knows that when I go away with my friend we’re very similar and it’s usually dinner and a glass or two of wine and then back to our hotel, and without trying to be sexist, I think women tend to look out for eachother a bit more, and if solo I would naturally drink less so as not to have my inhibitions lowered.

But I think what surprised was how adamant he was at first yesterday (and not in a light hearted way like when I said no chance) that me not going was a non negotiable to him (emphasis on to him, I at my ripe age of my late 20s feel a bit too long in the tooth to be curbed). If there was an actual guys trip to Amsterdam happening and the logistics/activities were discussed then I think that would be a bit different and I’d want to know more about it and express any safety concerns first before instead of saying there would be consequences if he went.

Again that sounds controlling on your part, that he would need to run a list of logistics and activities past you.

My DH is completely antidrug. Can't stand the smell of weed and always clocks it in town centres and expresses disgust. He went on a lads trip to Amsterdam a few years ago. No interest in weed cafes but others on the trip did. There were a lot of mixed activities (i.e. half in weed cafe, others not, all beer tour at Heineken etc).

Perhaps this is the logisitics you're talking about but your DH has no reason to run them past you. You either trust his behaviour or you don't.

Ralstan · 19/05/2026 14:32

utterly ridiculous. I regularly travel abroad alone and love it. Sitting in the sun by the pool with several books or exploring new places. Went to asia alone last year for my birthday. no way could I be with a man who forbade me from going away alone.

Your DH is a control freak. Probably scared of you meeting someone else

Witchonenowbob · 19/05/2026 14:32

I would not like his behaviour and him thinking I’m not capable of risk assessing “little woman” needing a chaperone!

But you’re “no way” to Amsterdam because he might get drunk and hit his head is crazy! Getting pissed in London, wouldn’t end the same??

Original poster

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 14:30

Also just to confirm, I was an adult when we met and started dating. 18 but an adult all the same.

OP posts:

SummerInSun · 19/05/2026 14:30

Firefly100 · 19/05/2026 10:03

‘I understand you are worried but your concerns for my welfare do not take priority over my desire to go if I wish. I am not a child to be told what I may or may not do and be threatened with “consequences” for misbehaviour and told to sit in silence as punishment. If you continue to behave in this controlling manner rather than work with me to address your fears whilst still enabling me to do as I wish, then I can assure you there will be consequences.’

That sounds like a pretty good speech to me. You can’t live with someone who gets to decide what you can and can’t do and thinks it’s ok to impose “consequences” if you disobey him. The consequence of his behaviour would for me be drawing the conclusion that we aren’t well suited, and unless he can get to grips with a 21st century marriage immediately, ending the relationship.

Mumwithbaggage · 19/05/2026 14:28

I couldn't be in a relationship like that!

JuliaRobHurts · 19/05/2026 14:25

notacooldad · 19/05/2026 14:10

Let's be honest loads of poeple enjoy new foreign places, city breaks etc. I'd be frustrated if DH, on top of 3-4 holidays with me each year, and several excursions with friends wanted to also go on several solo holidays.

Why would you feel frustrated though if you can afford it?

You have described how my life looks.
I take the view that you never know what's around the corner and would stop me doing things, eg Dh being ill, me becoming disabled etc. So make the most of your life while you can.

Dh's pov is why qould I spend time mooching at home if he is busy at work ( self employed) and working on a project with our sons.
I often get four or five days off in a row, especially over a weekend eg Thur Friday Saturday ( new week on rota) off Monday Tuesday. All my friends work Monday to Friday so why not travel and make the most of my time.

If you can afford it then fair enough. I meant I'd be frustrated if long term projects were delayed, due to possible savings being spent on yet another holiday (when there had already been several that year). Or if there was an imbalance with the other half spending overwhelmingly more on solo holidays excursions that I had spent.

If money is not a factor then ok, but again it's a two way street. OP doeasn't get to 'no way' potential DH trips anymore than DH gets to 'we'll have big problen' to OP.

The majority of responses will be slightly skewed as OP drip fed her controlling behaviour until further into the thread which will bypass the majority of posters initial responses.

ladycarlotta · 19/05/2026 14:24

PS - I've been on solo trips while in a relationship, but pre kids. I love a little solo break. So restorative!

I know that even now we have young kids, my partner would support me in doing it again, if we had the money for it. IMO what you're asking for is not at all unreasonable.

Original poster

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 14:22

Reading the posts here, thanks everyone, just to clarify, there was no actual tangible trip to Amsterdam, this was a hypothetical and no I didn’t issue any ultimatum )although DH knows I am quite anti-drug personally) it was thrown out as a suggestion that one of the guys might have a stag in there and my response was essentially no chance , I know what state everyone would be in, which looking back wasn’t right either, I suppose the only edge I have is that I know what groups of lads do in Amsterdam and that my husband has form for throwing up and I can only imagine that it would be exacerbated if the booze was mixed with the other stuff and how typical lad culture everyone eggs eachother on. He said himself to my brother only the other day that it’s not a place he’d go with the guys as it would be too messy so I know what the expectation would be. But again I know that this can happen anywhere.But the difference is I wouldn’t say there would be consequences if he decided to go.

I can’t imagine him having the same concerns about me, he knows that when I go away with my friend we’re very similar and it’s usually dinner and a glass or two of wine and then back to our hotel, and without trying to be sexist, I think women tend to look out for eachother a bit more, and if solo I would naturally drink less so as not to have my inhibitions lowered.

But I think what surprised was how adamant he was at first yesterday (and not in a light hearted way like when I said no chance) that me not going was a non negotiable to him (emphasis on to him, I at my ripe age of my late 20s feel a bit too long in the tooth to be curbed). If there was an actual guys trip to Amsterdam happening and the logistics/activities were discussed then I think that would be a bit different and I’d want to know more about it and express any safety concerns first before instead of saying there would be consequences if he went.

OP posts:

ladycarlotta · 19/05/2026 14:20

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 12:18

To answer some pps, the age gap is he’s 5 years my senior so not insignificant but not so much that we’re of a completely different generation either.

We did end up talking about it a bit more and he said if it were him he would have had the respect to say (like he does when he has events on with the guys or work) “I’m looking at going away on x date, is that okay, have we got anything on?”. The thing is I didn’t have dates in mind yet so there was no point, and I actually did say it to him and he literally said “off with you”. He said that being married we had the respect to check if something is okay with the other and that because I said no way to an Amsterdam trip with the lads (perhaps stupidly, but he did mention the kind of unsavoury antics that go on) so that if I go on this trip I essentially can’t veto any trips for him either. I mean I will take responsibility as I wasn’t in favour of the Amsterdam trips as ironically I too am concerned for safety in the event of him drinking too much and hitting his head/choking on vomit, those are things I genuinely am concerned about. But ultimately it is his choice and those things could happen anywhere, and I said I doubt he was going to ask if it’s okay if he does on the couple of stag dos he has coming up next year. He said of course he’d check with me to see if it’s alright. So I suppose it’s a bit tit for tat now.

so he was in his 20s going out with a teenager? And dealing with it badly when said teen went off to university to gain a bit of independence? No, 5 years isn't a big age gap in general but at that point in your life it is definitely a difference in stages. For me that's also a red flag.

You sound like a smart and resourceful person. I wonder if as you get older and there's less of a difference in life stages, your partner is starting to reach for other ways to maintain the authority he might have had when you were a teen and he was maybe already a graduate, or in a career. It might be the dynamic between you is changing and he is panicking and trying to wield control in a clumsy and harmful way.

He might just have poor emotional literacy and need to build better skills to process and communicate this stuff; he might be a dyed-in-the-wool narcissist and a bully. I have no idea. But whether or not it's intentional, his current behaviour is controlling and that is abusive. Like he really might not be an awful person but that's not to say he doesn't need to work on himself. His response at the moment right now is misjudged at best. Be careful, OP, and keep hold of your worth.

Cherrytree86 · 19/05/2026 14:16

Babybirdmum · 19/05/2026 13:40

I’m going to provide a bit of balance here.
I think you wanting to go is valid.
I also think him not wanting you to go is valid.
I don’t like the choice of words he used, it comes across patronising.
However, there are certain trips I wouldn’t want my husband to go on either and maybe vice versa.
it sounds like your husband is normally cool with you going away without him which is his green flag.
Id ask him how much of a dealbreaker it is if you go, it sounds like it could be but at this point you will have to decide if it’s worth it. If everything is a dealbreaker he might be controlling but if this is rare that he doesn’t want you to do something it seems quite normal to me, like I said there’s some things I wouldn’t like my husband doing and I would tell him.

@Babybirdmum

like what? What wouldn’t you want your husband to do and tell him that?

TheHungryHungryLandsharks · 19/05/2026 14:15

You vetoed Amsterdam for him on the grounds of 'safety' and him 'choking on his own vomit and hitting his head.'

So I think you lost the argument before it even began - at least from his perspective.

Either way, I don't think adults get to veto holiday destinations on the ground of safety - a competent adult is more than capable (I would hope) of deciding whether or not they go on holiday somewhere. Even if that holiday is to Kabul.

notacooldad · 19/05/2026 14:10

Let's be honest loads of poeple enjoy new foreign places, city breaks etc. I'd be frustrated if DH, on top of 3-4 holidays with me each year, and several excursions with friends wanted to also go on several solo holidays.

Why would you feel frustrated though if you can afford it?

You have described how my life looks.
I take the view that you never know what's around the corner and would stop me doing things, eg Dh being ill, me becoming disabled etc. So make the most of your life while you can.

Dh's pov is why qould I spend time mooching at home if he is busy at work ( self employed) and working on a project with our sons.
I often get four or five days off in a row, especially over a weekend eg Thur Friday Saturday ( new week on rota) off Monday Tuesday. All my friends work Monday to Friday so why not travel and make the most of my time.

LettuceAndCarrots · 19/05/2026 14:09

JuliaRobHurts · 19/05/2026 13:44

Tbf it's OP that has been controlling. She said 'No way' to DH trip. What is 'no way' mean if not controlling behaviour? Sounds like OP isn't going to let DH boss her around.

So objectively DH is trying (unsuccessfully) to be controlling but OP herself has actively demonstrested controlling behaviour towards DH when the roles are reversed, so I think OP is getting a rather easy time from posters.

I would be interested to hear how many posters would actually be ok with their partner/DH disappearing on a solo holiday? I suspect not many (parental responsibilities aside).

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I would, and we have. I've taken our preschooler to Morocco and France without him, and he's had a solo holiday focused entirely on war history, which wouldn't have been possible with DC. I'm planning a solo holiday to study French for a week this year and have been on a bird watching trip and spa weekend without him. He's not interested in those things and it'd be silly to waste his annual leave on them. We have great family holidays to places that interest us both.

I'm sure I'd feel differently if he was off alone to the red light district / had a background of drunken lads holidays, and he'd feel differently if I wanted to go alone to Iran, but we're adults, we trust each other and support each other's solo interests.

Esmeraldathe3rd · 19/05/2026 14:06

My abusive ex who tracked my phone and vehicle without my knowledge and threatened to kill me if I left him still let me go on a weekend city break by myself... I did come home to the house and absolute bomb site though, granted.

Tell him you're going and he can throw whatever tantrum he wants but you're allowed to do things for yourself and he will only be punishing himself.

Over40Overdating · 19/05/2026 14:03

Controlling, gaslighting, manipulative, petty, insecure and emotionally immature. What a catch.

I know you’ve said you’re going @Samuelthespaniel but you need to be prepared for him to ramp up his passive aggressiveness, pettiness, threats framed as concern, gaslighting and if none of that works getting ill the day you are due to go.

Keep your passport somewhere he can’t find it and find a reason to be at a hotel near the airport before you fly, with your phone off.

Once you are away, direct him to friends and family or 111 if his health ‘deteriorates’.

longtompot · 19/05/2026 14:00

ThreadGuardDog · 19/05/2026 12:46

OP he’s talking about respect within the marriage and checking with each other - but isn’t that what you did ? You were thinking about doing this but didn’t have any specific plans, so mentioned it casually. What’s his problem - in the way that you brought it up, the words you used ? I ask because if his idea of being respectful is ‘off with you’ and ‘I don’t want to hear from you for the rest of the night’ you really do have a problem. OK, so you vetoed the Amsterdam trip, but l think that’s different in that there were legitimate concerns and he must have seen it from your point of view if he agreed not to go ?

If he’s got stag trips planned alone, what’s his justification for him being able to go, while he’s voicing thoughts such as ‘you’re not going alone’ when you essentially suggest the same thing. On a stag do with a load of drunken out of control mates, I don’t necessarily think there’s any safety in numbers, if you going solo is his concern.

Edited

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I agree. You didn't say I've booked, you said you are thinking of booking. The fact he has threatened you with consequences like you are a child not an equal partner in this marriage is not good.
@Samuelthespaniel How does he behave if you go out for an evening with friends locally?

Sodthesystem · 19/05/2026 13:59

I was on the fence until the threatened you.

Sorry but that would actually potentially be marriage ending for me.

I mean it wasn't OK for you to say "what's it got to do with you?" either. But him threatening to make this an excuse for any bad behaviour from him going forward is manipulative.

I don't keep pouty little children in my life. Certainly not one's that are manipulative. And certainly not as husbands. No way, game over as far as I'm concerned.

I suppose maybe there's wiggle room uf you know it was just an offhand statement and he would never actually follow through. But still, he can't claim he wants yo keep you safe physically when he puts you at risk emotionally. It's hypocrisy.

LettuceAndCarrots · 19/05/2026 13:58

I think that both of you should indeed run ideas like this break and Amsterdam past each other, to check there's no date clashes, financial concerns etc.

But I think both of you either can veto the other person's plans or not. There's a big difference between saying "these are my concerns, but I trust you and you can choose" vs "I forbid you from going and if you do I'll guilt trip you / punish you in some way". I don't think it's fair to say no to Amsterdam if you take umbrage at him doing similar.

Why not apologise for vetoing Amsterdam, and compromise by going alone this time to a different city that's safer, and discuss going forwards whether you get to veto or not. Ultimately surely the goal is for you both to find a solution together you're happy with going forward, rather than either of you forcing your way.

I don't think there's anything wrong with couples travelling separately. Personally I find giving each other freedom works best for us, but there are certainly places I'd suggest my DH reconsiders if he said he wanted to go to solo. If he had similar concerns I wouldn't dismiss them out of hand - but ultimately I'd make my own decision and he'd be fine with that.

JuliaRobHurts · 19/05/2026 13:57

LuckyHazelFox · 19/05/2026 13:45

Cool wives though innit.

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I suspect so.

Let's be honest loads of poeple enjoy new foreign places, city breaks etc. I'd be frustrated if DH, on top of 3-4 holidays with me each year, and several excursions with friends wanted to also go on several solo holidays.

It doesn't matter if you're not using up annual leave, you'll be forking out for several meals a day on top of sightseeing, souvenirs etc.

Unless you earn an absolute mint I think it shows a level of immaturity and lack of forward planning. "Live like there's no tomorrow" Well the problem is in most cases there is a tomorrow but you've p**sed away valuable savings.

igelkott2026 · 19/05/2026 13:56

Miranda65 · 19/05/2026 09:46

Also just to add that it would be very weird for married people to "do everything together" - and boring, too.

Agreed - you're still an individual and you should do things on your own.

My mum had a friend whose husband went to the lengths of sitting outside the loo while she was in there at a friend's party! Now if that isn't' controlling...I suppose she should be grateful he didn't insist on going in with her.

I've never gone away without my husband to a hotel but I've gone to stay with friends without him.

ConstanzeMozart · 19/05/2026 13:56

snowgirl1 · 19/05/2026 13:53

What city are you planning to go to @Samuelthespaniel? I think it would add some all important context - if you're planning to go to Tijuana, Mexico or Port-au-Prince, Haiti by yourself then it would put a completely different spin on his reaction compared to if you're planning to go to Brussels for the weekend.

Well, it wouldn’t really. If the husband sat down with her and started a sensible conversation about the possible safety issues in certain places, yes; but what he’s actually doing is manipulating and threatening her.

YouBelongHere · 19/05/2026 13:55

He reminds me of my Dad OP - I told him I was going to Poland by myself for a few days and he hit the absolute roof. I used to solo travel abroad a fair bit in my early 20's and it got to a point where he eventually asked me to just not tell him I was going because otherwise he'd 'just worry'.

My Mum would also worry but didn't get mad, she'd ask for the details of the hotel I was staying in and to stay in regular contact with her. Whereas my Dad's 'worrying' involved shouting, stamping his feet and then burying his head in the sand - not much has changed!

Being worried is not unreasonable. Asking you to take reasonable, sensible precautions is not unreasonable. Asking you to contact him daily while you're away is not unreasonable. Outright forbidding you, an adult, to do anything is unreasonable.

snowgirl1 · 19/05/2026 13:53

What city are you planning to go to @Samuelthespaniel? I think it would add some all important context - if you're planning to go to Tijuana, Mexico or Port-au-Prince, Haiti by yourself then it would put a completely different spin on his reaction compared to if you're planning to go to Brussels for the weekend.

Feis123 · 19/05/2026 13:52

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 13:46

Why? Don't you trust him?
I love going on mini city breaks by myself.

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I did not marry him to spend amazing city breaks apart from him. I want to share not only the drudgery of daily chores with him, but build some nice experiences too. If he suggested to me he was wanting to go on his own, he would have demonstrated that our bond was gone.

I travel a lot with work, we don't have enough time together, I think.