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Original poster

“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

387 replies

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 09:36

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

OP posts:
EarthaKittsVoice · 19/05/2026 15:31

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 12:18

To answer some pps, the age gap is he’s 5 years my senior so not insignificant but not so much that we’re of a completely different generation either.

We did end up talking about it a bit more and he said if it were him he would have had the respect to say (like he does when he has events on with the guys or work) “I’m looking at going away on x date, is that okay, have we got anything on?”. The thing is I didn’t have dates in mind yet so there was no point, and I actually did say it to him and he literally said “off with you”. He said that being married we had the respect to check if something is okay with the other and that because I said no way to an Amsterdam trip with the lads (perhaps stupidly, but he did mention the kind of unsavoury antics that go on) so that if I go on this trip I essentially can’t veto any trips for him either. I mean I will take responsibility as I wasn’t in favour of the Amsterdam trips as ironically I too am concerned for safety in the event of him drinking too much and hitting his head/choking on vomit, those are things I genuinely am concerned about. But ultimately it is his choice and those things could happen anywhere, and I said I doubt he was going to ask if it’s okay if he does on the couple of stag dos he has coming up next year. He said of course he’d check with me to see if it’s alright. Hmm So I suppose it’s a bit tit for tat now.

"I too am concerned for safety in the event of him drinking too much and hitting his head/choking on vomit, those are things I genuinely am concerned about."

Has he done this before??

ThisCandidMintGoose · 19/05/2026 15:27

EarthaKittsVoice · 19/05/2026 15:23

I'm not sure you understand the how the workforce has been and/or progressed over the last 20 or so years

The internet has allowed staff members (not just c-suite/CEO/directors etc) freedom and thankfully some of us grabbed it with both hands.

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geographical locations do matter still. You can't start working randomly in any country, it's a bit more complicated than having internet access.

EarthaKittsVoice · 19/05/2026 15:23

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 12:17

I didn’t expect her to justify it to him. At all.
I would to her employer. . And if her employer is fine with her taking a break ( and she might be self employed), and working combo then all is well. It sounded a bit like trying to do both things at once.

Show quote history

I'm not sure you understand the how the workforce has been and/or progressed over the last 20 or so years

The internet has allowed staff members (not just c-suite/CEO/directors etc) freedom and thankfully some of us grabbed it with both hands.

EarthaKittsVoice · 19/05/2026 15:16

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 12:14

No, I didn’t think he wouldn’t believe it.
I found it a bit unlikely. Sure people work flexibly. Some will work early in the morning, late into the night. But depending on where she goes will impact on the ability to link up with others time wise etc. It all sounds a bit unrealistic.

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When I put in a request to work abroad, my manager will look at what is required at work during the time I am requesting - just like with annual leave requests.

Not all of us work in roles which depend on interaction others, I work in data and my work is independent of my team. Not completely separate but we don't need to link-up with others time wise or throughtout our day.

A lot of employers trust their staff to do their work, which is why some of us WFH full time.

ThisCandidMintGoose · 19/05/2026 15:14

TinyCottageGirl · 19/05/2026 15:10

I don't think he reacted in the right way, but I think I would feel a bit upset if my husband wanted to go on trips without me whilst I stayed at home working and 'manning the fort'.
Maybe he just wants to experience these things with you?
I only did one trip solo and didn't enjoy it so we usually do one or two 'friends' trips a year and the rest we do together.
Could you go together on a bank holiday or he just genuinely doesn't fancy this city?
I don't condone what he said though, does he have form for behaving like this?

why on earth would you have an issue with your partner going without you?

It's the beauty of not being alone when you have kids, someone can stay with them, but there are no children here.

It's healthy to keep your independence - and the OP is planning on doing things he doesn't even enjoy.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 19/05/2026 15:10

I think this is very much about the Amsterdam trip, hypothetical or not. As you say he said a friend was thinking about going and you said 'no chance'. You set the precedent there. It sounds like you both have been controlling and that's fine for some couples but not others, it certainly wouldn't work for me. If you are changing things up and pushing for a more independent lifestyle you need to work with him. Remember if you go and do what you wants, then so does he. You can't say your worries or concerns are more legitimate than his. I still think you should go but you will be setting a new precedent in your relationship and you need to think about whether you can deal with that.

TinyCottageGirl · 19/05/2026 15:10

I don't think he reacted in the right way, but I think I would feel a bit upset if my husband wanted to go on trips without me whilst I stayed at home working and 'manning the fort'.
Maybe he just wants to experience these things with you?
I only did one trip solo and didn't enjoy it so we usually do one or two 'friends' trips a year and the rest we do together.
Could you go together on a bank holiday or he just genuinely doesn't fancy this city?
I don't condone what he said though, does he have form for behaving like this?

EverydayRoutine · 19/05/2026 15:10

Your DH is being worryingly controlling dressed up as concern. I really loathe the way some men claim they are being "protective," when in fact they are exerting control. It's depressing how many women have fallen for that nonsense. "Oh, he loves me so much, he's just looking out for me." Shudder. You're an adult woman going on a trip to an interesting city, you don't need to be protected by your big strong husband. 🙄

I wouldn't put up with the way he spoke to you. "I'm not restricting you, you just can't go on your own." Er, that is the very definition of restriction. The only thing I would say to that is, "I absolutely can and will go on my own."

As for his threat that you will face "a big problem" when you return? And he didn't want to hear anything else from you for the rest of the night? Just no. Hell to the no. No decent partner would issue threats and commands that way.

As for the Amsterdam trip, the fact that it was hypothetical and you were concerned about his actions/the actions of his friends, I think that is quite different. If you had said you were planning to get wildly drunk on your city break and go to a strip club, then your DH could make a case for saying he was uncomfortable. It still wouldn't excuse his threats and controlling behaviour, though.

AgnesMcDoo · 19/05/2026 15:05

As a grown adult you get to make these decisions by yourself and no one can tell you what you can and cant do.

Get your trip booked.

Northermcharn · 19/05/2026 14:57

Swiftie1878 · 19/05/2026 14:54

He said ‘I don’t want hear from you again tonight’?

Sorry… 😬🤷‍♀️
HUGE red flags all over this.

Exactly

Northermcharn · 19/05/2026 14:56

hotsoap · 19/05/2026 14:48

No, I don't see that part of him being abusively dismissive....the man sounds a bit ND ....they cannot take long chats over tension topics too well

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No. He said he 'doesn't want to hear anything else' from her for the rest of the night. Dismissive, and abusive.

Swiftie1878 · 19/05/2026 14:54

He said ‘I don’t want hear from you again tonight’?

Sorry… 😬🤷‍♀️
HUGE red flags all over this.

MajorProcrastination · 19/05/2026 14:54

I've been married 16 years and neither of us have ever had to ask permission for a trip away. I've never been away on my own (other than on work trips I guess) nor has he but I think that the vibe that he's saying you're not allowed to go until he is able to go with you or a friend sounds controlling.

We have 3 kids and married fairly young. Of course we let each other know about trips and when the kids were younger made sure there were no clashes but neither of us have ever stopped the other from anything because we trust each other. We have nice times together but we also have nice times separately.

Where are you going?

ConverselyAttired · 19/05/2026 14:52

hotsoap · 19/05/2026 14:47

Despite me having gone on few solo trips after being married and all this, your husband does not sound controlling to me but caring and protective...are you quite nice and pretty and he might be worried for unwanted male attention from others when you're abroad or being followed back to your hotel ...that sort of thing

So he gets to forbid her from going, does he? I wonder what all the folk on here think about the thousands of female students going to study abroad as part of language degrees every year. I moved out to France and Spain for 6 months each, completely on my own, renting a flat on my own, knowing nobody (you can just go abroad and register - this wasn't a managed exchange scheme). Yes you do get male attention but if I could deal with it age 20 then I'm sure late-20s well-travelled OP can.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2026 14:52

I think if you genuinely thought he would get involved in “unsavoury” activities in Amsterdam, you’ve got a problem in your relationship before this even started.

Now he’s engaging in “tit for tat” attempts to veto a trip that’s not really like for like, but it just underlines that this relationship isn’t in a good place.

hotsoap · 19/05/2026 14:48

Northermcharn · 19/05/2026 14:45

'He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night,'

Uhm this is the worst part of a sorry story. The rest of his questionable behaviour aside, what the hell is this way to speak to you? He doesn't respect you at all. awful man.

Edited

No, I don't see that part of him being abusively dismissive....the man sounds a bit ND ....they cannot take long chats over tension topics too well

hotsoap · 19/05/2026 14:47

Despite me having gone on few solo trips after being married and all this, your husband does not sound controlling to me but caring and protective...are you quite nice and pretty and he might be worried for unwanted male attention from others when you're abroad or being followed back to your hotel ...that sort of thing

Northermcharn · 19/05/2026 14:45

'He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night,'

Uhm this is the worst part of a sorry story. The rest of his questionable behaviour aside, what the hell is this way to speak to you? He doesn't respect you at all. awful man.

RedToothBrush · 19/05/2026 14:45

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 14:22

Reading the posts here, thanks everyone, just to clarify, there was no actual tangible trip to Amsterdam, this was a hypothetical and no I didn’t issue any ultimatum )although DH knows I am quite anti-drug personally) it was thrown out as a suggestion that one of the guys might have a stag in there and my response was essentially no chance , I know what state everyone would be in, which looking back wasn’t right either, I suppose the only edge I have is that I know what groups of lads do in Amsterdam and that my husband has form for throwing up and I can only imagine that it would be exacerbated if the booze was mixed with the other stuff and how typical lad culture everyone eggs eachother on. He said himself to my brother only the other day that it’s not a place he’d go with the guys as it would be too messy so I know what the expectation would be. But again I know that this can happen anywhere.But the difference is I wouldn’t say there would be consequences if he decided to go.

I can’t imagine him having the same concerns about me, he knows that when I go away with my friend we’re very similar and it’s usually dinner and a glass or two of wine and then back to our hotel, and without trying to be sexist, I think women tend to look out for eachother a bit more, and if solo I would naturally drink less so as not to have my inhibitions lowered.

But I think what surprised was how adamant he was at first yesterday (and not in a light hearted way like when I said no chance) that me not going was a non negotiable to him (emphasis on to him, I at my ripe age of my late 20s feel a bit too long in the tooth to be curbed). If there was an actual guys trip to Amsterdam happening and the logistics/activities were discussed then I think that would be a bit different and I’d want to know more about it and express any safety concerns first before instead of saying there would be consequences if he went.

I think your reasoning and what you said to him re Amsterdam was bloody daft and he clearly resents you and wants to punish you for it.

I wouldn't be happy with DH going to Amsterdam on a Stag Do with some of his mates. Others I'd be fine with. Not because of his behaviour, but because of his mates behaviour and how he'd end up having to baby sit them for being bloody irresponsible which would put him at risk. It really would depend on who he was planning to go with. But we'd have an adult conversation about it on those terms.

We have both been abroad before by ourselves and encourage each other to do so if the opportunity arises. So he knows this too.

Tbh it sounds like you both don't really trust each other and although apparently he's said he was ok about Amsterdam I wonder if he actually really would have liked to go and is just saying x, y and z to keep in with other social circles expectations.

His ultimatum, punishment over Amsterdam, and his sulking subsequently and the fact you don't appear to have come up with a particularly argument for saying no to Amsterdam strikes me that you have really poor communication between you and that over time is unlikely to improve unless you both acknowledge it and tackle it head on.

LuckyHazelFox · 19/05/2026 14:43

sweetpickle2 · 19/05/2026 14:39

How does that boot taste?

I work for myself and this week have taken a flight during 'work hours', worked from the airport, worked from the hotel bar and hotel room.

I have also previously worked at companies who have a specific 'work from anywhere policy' and who actively encourage employees to use it- when I was there I would work from the hotel room- then the second it was 5pm I could log off and have a cocktail in hand by 5.03pm. It's a fantastic benefit and I wish more jobs would offer it.

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So where are you going@Samuelthespaniel because of course no-one skiver while being tempted by a swimming pool under their apartment. Come on.

ConverselyAttired · 19/05/2026 14:43

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 12:18

To answer some pps, the age gap is he’s 5 years my senior so not insignificant but not so much that we’re of a completely different generation either.

We did end up talking about it a bit more and he said if it were him he would have had the respect to say (like he does when he has events on with the guys or work) “I’m looking at going away on x date, is that okay, have we got anything on?”. The thing is I didn’t have dates in mind yet so there was no point, and I actually did say it to him and he literally said “off with you”. He said that being married we had the respect to check if something is okay with the other and that because I said no way to an Amsterdam trip with the lads (perhaps stupidly, but he did mention the kind of unsavoury antics that go on) so that if I go on this trip I essentially can’t veto any trips for him either. I mean I will take responsibility as I wasn’t in favour of the Amsterdam trips as ironically I too am concerned for safety in the event of him drinking too much and hitting his head/choking on vomit, those are things I genuinely am concerned about. But ultimately it is his choice and those things could happen anywhere, and I said I doubt he was going to ask if it’s okay if he does on the couple of stag dos he has coming up next year. He said of course he’d check with me to see if it’s alright. Hmm So I suppose it’s a bit tit for tat now.

Oh. There you go then. He's sulking and has had this Amsterdam thing in his back pocket to use as a reason to sulk. Mystery solved

Witchonenowbob · 19/05/2026 14:40

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 14:37

Well perhaps it’s not expected but if I went on a city break I would definitely update DH on my plans for the day and if I went on a hen I’m sure it would come up in conversation the activities that are planned.

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It may well come up in conversation, but you wanted an upfront schedule for you to consider the safety consequences, like he’s unable to consider them himself??

Totally controlling!

sweetpickle2 · 19/05/2026 14:39

LuckyHazelFox · 19/05/2026 13:33

Talk about lots of you piss taking with not taking annual leave. So checking in times are done out of work hours. Yeah right as well as actual travel times. Everything that's wrong with WFH, particularly with the academics who don't live in the really world anyway. Notice the OP still hasn't said where she's going. There is no difference to the Amsterdam trip either as both are controlling. Double standards.

How does that boot taste?

I work for myself and this week have taken a flight during 'work hours', worked from the airport, worked from the hotel bar and hotel room.

I have also previously worked at companies who have a specific 'work from anywhere policy' and who actively encourage employees to use it- when I was there I would work from the hotel room- then the second it was 5pm I could log off and have a cocktail in hand by 5.03pm. It's a fantastic benefit and I wish more jobs would offer it.

Original poster
Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 14:37

JuliaRobHurts · 19/05/2026 14:33

Again that sounds controlling on your part, that he would need to run a list of logistics and activities past you.

My DH is completely antidrug. Can't stand the smell of weed and always clocks it in town centres and expresses disgust. He went on a lads trip to Amsterdam a few years ago. No interest in weed cafes but others on the trip did. There were a lot of mixed activities (i.e. half in weed cafe, others not, all beer tour at Heineken etc).

Perhaps this is the logisitics you're talking about but your DH has no reason to run them past you. You either trust his behaviour or you don't.

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Well perhaps it’s not expected but if I went on a city break I would definitely update DH on my plans for the day and if I went on a hen I’m sure it would come up in conversation the activities that are planned.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/05/2026 14:36

If you can afford it then fair enough. I meant I'd be frustrated if long term projects were delayed, due to possible savings being spent on yet another holiday (when there had already been several that year). Or if there was an imbalance with the other half spending overwhelmingly more on solo holidays excursions that I had spent.

I see what you mean.
I spend a lot of money on travel. It is my biggest expense. Apart from a couple of nights away DH hasn't been on a holiday since January 2025.
However that doesn't mean there is an imbalance. He spends a bloody fortune on cars, doing them up and reselling as his hobby and loves doing it. For him to go on holiday is taking him away from his passion. Fortunately we 'get' each other!