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AIBU?

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Original poster

“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

387 replies

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 09:36

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

OP posts:
EggStation · 19/05/2026 16:34

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:17

Actually it's not really usual for couples to take holidays apart but you must know that, right?

Show quote history

In my world, it’s very normal for people to go away separately with friends, even after their wedding day! Most of us are celebrating silver weddings now and still do it ;-)

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:33

OP, I suspect that had you said in your opening post that you'd stopped him going away the earlier replies would have been very different.

EggStation · 19/05/2026 16:32

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 15:56

The truth is that if any husband of some of the posters here announced that he was taking himself off for a few days alone those posters calling the dh 'controlling' would be here complaining about it.

If my dh announced he was going away on his own for 3 nights without me for no good reason like visiting family, caring responsibilities, business etc I'd be like wtf?!

And so would the vast majority calling your husband controlling or whatever pop psychology nonsense is the latest thing.

Do you not see anything at all problematic with the language used? The threats, the talking down to the OP? Even if you think the premise is reasonable.

ThisCandidMintGoose · 19/05/2026 16:31

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:17

Actually it's not really usual for couples to take holidays apart but you must know that, right?

Show quote history

you live in a very small world if you genuinely believe it's not usual for couples to do things separately

because they ALSO have different interests (I only have 1 female friend who is interested in golf holidays for example, most of us .. don't want to go)
Not every holiday I take would fascinate my husband.

or because they have children and one of them stays when the other enjoys a bit of freedom. It's healthy to spend a bit of time away from the kids.

or because we like the occasional girl/ boy weekend and it would be inappropriate for the other one to tag along with the kids 😂

You'll faint, but I have a friend currently on a motorbike tour of Corsica with other friends while her husband is home with the kids. He rides, but it's her turn to have fun. Shocking but welcome to the real world 😂

BarbiesDreamHome · 19/05/2026 16:27

Ffs, having read your updste I think you both married too young and you've married the wrong person.

I don't endorse shagging sex workers in Amsterdam but you don't get to veto him going to Amsterdam as a preventstive measure. If hes going to "get messy" and you don't like that then you shouldn't have hitched your wagon to a bloke still that irresponsible. Some grow out of it, yes, but some never do it.

Frankly, as adults in your 20s, "expressing safety concerns" is ridiculous. Neither of you should be married to eachother.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2026 16:24

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 15:56

The truth is that if any husband of some of the posters here announced that he was taking himself off for a few days alone those posters calling the dh 'controlling' would be here complaining about it.

If my dh announced he was going away on his own for 3 nights without me for no good reason like visiting family, caring responsibilities, business etc I'd be like wtf?!

And so would the vast majority calling your husband controlling or whatever pop psychology nonsense is the latest thing.

No they wouldn’t, not without children / childcare in the mix. The OP isn’t proposing to leave the H with her share of any responsibilities.

Also there is a good reason to go solo - he has no annual leave yet so can’t join.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 19/05/2026 16:24

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 15:45

There’s only one way to find out!

Show quote history

I do think you need to be very careful with him. This is a huge red flag about his desire to control you.

Definitely make a point of going now. Act normal. Message him some lovely photographs. Call him after you back to your room in the evening.

And then when you get back, make a point of doing something independently every so often. Because if you allow him to start controlling you now, it's going to become a pattern.

godmum56 · 19/05/2026 16:20

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 12:18

To answer some pps, the age gap is he’s 5 years my senior so not insignificant but not so much that we’re of a completely different generation either.

We did end up talking about it a bit more and he said if it were him he would have had the respect to say (like he does when he has events on with the guys or work) “I’m looking at going away on x date, is that okay, have we got anything on?”. The thing is I didn’t have dates in mind yet so there was no point, and I actually did say it to him and he literally said “off with you”. He said that being married we had the respect to check if something is okay with the other and that because I said no way to an Amsterdam trip with the lads (perhaps stupidly, but he did mention the kind of unsavoury antics that go on) so that if I go on this trip I essentially can’t veto any trips for him either. I mean I will take responsibility as I wasn’t in favour of the Amsterdam trips as ironically I too am concerned for safety in the event of him drinking too much and hitting his head/choking on vomit, those are things I genuinely am concerned about. But ultimately it is his choice and those things could happen anywhere, and I said I doubt he was going to ask if it’s okay if he does on the couple of stag dos he has coming up next year. He said of course he’d check with me to see if it’s alright. Hmm So I suppose it’s a bit tit for tat now.

hmmm. That's a drip feed and a half. Are you seriously concerned about what your partner would do on a stag? Again, going back to my experience, my late husband used to go on business trips with colleagues, so no choice of company. I knew, because he told me that some of his colleagues did used to take advantage of the "hospitality" that was offered by the host company....this was the 80's/90's He and his less idiotic mates would take themselves off for a beer and a walk and I wouldn't have for one instant worried about him getting so drunk that he would choke on vomit. I mean you shouldn't have to embargo each other. Personally I could not stay with someone whose behaviour I couldn't trust, but if you felt you had to embargo him, I can see why he feels entitled to do the same. It doesn't sound like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:20

Love the way OP announces she stopped him going away himself to Amsterdam waa-ay after everybody called him controlling.

Drip feed? More like a torrent.

Cherrytree86 · 19/05/2026 16:19

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:17

Actually it's not really usual for couples to take holidays apart but you must know that, right?

Show quote history

@QuintadosMalvados

it’s no bad thing. I know lots of couples that do

Cherrytree86 · 19/05/2026 16:17

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 14:22

Reading the posts here, thanks everyone, just to clarify, there was no actual tangible trip to Amsterdam, this was a hypothetical and no I didn’t issue any ultimatum )although DH knows I am quite anti-drug personally) it was thrown out as a suggestion that one of the guys might have a stag in there and my response was essentially no chance , I know what state everyone would be in, which looking back wasn’t right either, I suppose the only edge I have is that I know what groups of lads do in Amsterdam and that my husband has form for throwing up and I can only imagine that it would be exacerbated if the booze was mixed with the other stuff and how typical lad culture everyone eggs eachother on. He said himself to my brother only the other day that it’s not a place he’d go with the guys as it would be too messy so I know what the expectation would be. But again I know that this can happen anywhere.But the difference is I wouldn’t say there would be consequences if he decided to go.

I can’t imagine him having the same concerns about me, he knows that when I go away with my friend we’re very similar and it’s usually dinner and a glass or two of wine and then back to our hotel, and without trying to be sexist, I think women tend to look out for eachother a bit more, and if solo I would naturally drink less so as not to have my inhibitions lowered.

But I think what surprised was how adamant he was at first yesterday (and not in a light hearted way like when I said no chance) that me not going was a non negotiable to him (emphasis on to him, I at my ripe age of my late 20s feel a bit too long in the tooth to be curbed). If there was an actual guys trip to Amsterdam happening and the logistics/activities were discussed then I think that would be a bit different and I’d want to know more about it and express any safety concerns first before instead of saying there would be consequences if he went.

@Samuelthespaniel

it was still controlling of you, OP…so he throws up in Amsterdam after too much drink, so what?!

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:17

ThisCandidMintGoose · 19/05/2026 16:14

really not.

I am the wife, I have kids at home, I just whatsapped my husband yesterday and it went like that:
Can't see anything on calendar, just checking if are you available for kids first week of June?
reply: yes
and I've booked my tickets to spend a (very) long weekend in Spain

I don't have any friend who needs a handhold or is not allowed to go away for a few days 😂. because you know, we're .. normal!

It must be so suffocating and claustrophobic to live with people like you, and have to present a good reason. You are his wife or his mother?

Show quote history

Actually it's not really usual for couples to take holidays apart but you must know that, right?

SorryWeAreClosed · 19/05/2026 16:15

Op, I've been in a position of having to elbow myself some breathing space. If I hadn't it would have chipped away at my belief in my capabilities.

He is being controlling and he is questioning your competency and he is hoping you will begin to question your own competency.

I hope you still go on your trip. It sounds like you are. I now go away wherever and whenever I want, just as it should be. It gets encouraged rather than questioned.

If you give up now it could be like this forever. We aren't the same people we were ten years ago and to some extent we do have to play catch up with who our partners now are. I'm sure it will be fine.

ThisCandidMintGoose · 19/05/2026 16:14

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 15:56

The truth is that if any husband of some of the posters here announced that he was taking himself off for a few days alone those posters calling the dh 'controlling' would be here complaining about it.

If my dh announced he was going away on his own for 3 nights without me for no good reason like visiting family, caring responsibilities, business etc I'd be like wtf?!

And so would the vast majority calling your husband controlling or whatever pop psychology nonsense is the latest thing.

really not.

I am the wife, I have kids at home, I just whatsapped my husband yesterday and it went like that:
Can't see anything on calendar, just checking if are you available for kids first week of June?
reply: yes
and I've booked my tickets to spend a (very) long weekend in Spain

I don't have any friend who needs a handhold or is not allowed to go away for a few days 😂. because you know, we're .. normal!

It must be so suffocating and claustrophobic to live with people like you, and have to present a good reason. You are his wife or his mother?

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:12

WhatterySquash · 19/05/2026 16:08

I think it is understandable to be pissed off when you have small/dependent DC and your H just buggers off all the time doing trips and hobbies and helps himself to all the child-free leisure time he fancies - and the women never gets any. And that does happen a lot, Ive seen it countless times on here and among friends.

But OP doesn't even have kids. Before DC I would go away without DP whenever I fancied and so would he - why not? Obviously you'd talk it over / plan it to avoid important dates or whatever, and it's normal to go go away together as well. But if I fancied something like a shopping weekend in London that would bore him senseless, what's the problem?

Show quote history

They'd be pissed off even if there were no children.
Yes they would.
In any case, if I read it correctly, she stopped him from going to Amsterdam.

Maybe it's just childish tit-for-tat rather than 'coercive control'.

Not great but far less worse.

WhatterySquash · 19/05/2026 16:08

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 15:56

The truth is that if any husband of some of the posters here announced that he was taking himself off for a few days alone those posters calling the dh 'controlling' would be here complaining about it.

If my dh announced he was going away on his own for 3 nights without me for no good reason like visiting family, caring responsibilities, business etc I'd be like wtf?!

And so would the vast majority calling your husband controlling or whatever pop psychology nonsense is the latest thing.

I think it is understandable to be pissed off when you have small/dependent DC and your H just buggers off all the time doing trips and hobbies and helps himself to all the child-free leisure time he fancies - and the women never gets any. And that does happen a lot, Ive seen it countless times on here and among friends.

But OP doesn't even have kids. Before DC I would go away without DP whenever I fancied and so would he - why not? Obviously you'd talk it over / plan it to avoid important dates or whatever, and it's normal to go go away together as well. But if I fancied something like a shopping weekend in London that would bore him senseless, what's the problem?

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 16:02

I hadn't even read about the Amsterdam trip before I typed, but I guess OP that you've proved my post to be true.

QuintadosMalvados · 19/05/2026 15:56

The truth is that if any husband of some of the posters here announced that he was taking himself off for a few days alone those posters calling the dh 'controlling' would be here complaining about it.

If my dh announced he was going away on his own for 3 nights without me for no good reason like visiting family, caring responsibilities, business etc I'd be like wtf?!

And so would the vast majority calling your husband controlling or whatever pop psychology nonsense is the latest thing.

WhatterySquash · 19/05/2026 15:54

I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own.

We’re married, we do everything together

if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat.

He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night,

Bloody hell OP this is a controlling abusive dickhead! Who does he think he is? My ex was an arse, but he knew damn well if he said I couldn't go on a solo trip I'd laugh in his face.

The threat one is the worst - he's not just threatening you he's also gaslighting you that it's not a threat. (Likewise the "I'm not restricting you" erm yes you are) If an H said that to me he'd definitely have a problem when I got back, in the form of a divorce.

I love a solo city trip and in case you are in any doubt there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that while married, especially with no DC. (IMO it's also OK if you do have kids, as long as it's reciprocated.)

Do you want to stay with this man OP? Does he do other controlling stuff?

ilikemethewayiam · 19/05/2026 15:52

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 15:45

There’s only one way to find out!

Show quote history

Not really! I would ask him to explain explicitly what he means by consequences and watch him squirm as he realises he has to spell out how abusive he intends to be. He’ll either show you his true colours or backtrack.

Original poster
Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 15:45

EggStation · 19/05/2026 15:34

OP. What would the ‘consequences’ have been? Did you ask him? @Samuelthespaniel

There’s only one way to find out!

OP posts:
EarthaKittsVoice · 19/05/2026 15:36

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 12:22

If she can see all she wants to after 5pm then she is happy. And so is her employer assuming she is not her own boss.

Show quote history

"If she can see all she wants to after 5pm"

Some of us work at companies that allow us to work our contracted 7/8 hour shift anytime/anyhow between the hours of 6am-8pm. (with systems updating overnight)

EggStation · 19/05/2026 15:34

OP. What would the ‘consequences’ have been? Did you ask him? @Samuelthespaniel

PersephoneSmith · 19/05/2026 15:33

I'm going a step further than other posters, I think your DH has effectively shat on your marriage.
I don't think there is any coming back from the threats, control and nastiness. Genuinely think you should consider this the end of your marriage.

MagicalBagPuss · 19/05/2026 15:33

My husband has difficulty, to put it mildly, in coping on his own but that is because he is on the autistic spectrum and he and other people don't really get on. Despite that I still go,away for a few days from time to time on a residential singing course or somewhere with a friend. It sounds as if yours does not have a problem with this. I wonder what the subtext is? Why is he trying to,exert this level of control, what is he afraid of? Go, call his bluff and have fun. Do the things you enjoy. As others have said maybe you need to rethink your relationship. Would he agree to couples counselling or would he think,that it would be all about you?