“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

If my DH ever spoke to me like that, I'd firstly be very surprised, and then I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not my dad or my boss and he can fuck right off with his threats. No one should ever speak to their partner that way - it shows a total lack of respect and an expectation of obedience, which is a huge problem.

Is he controlling/dominating in other ways?

Basically, OP, abusive men dress the control up as 'care' because they know it's hard to push back against someone who only cares about you.

They believe that you would be unreasonable to reject or argue against their care and a lot of women do find it difficult for that reason becaise of course pele wprry on pccasion ablit the people they care about.

But the shutting down of conversation and the threat of a consequence etc is not worry.

It's obviously not the same but it reminds me of an old boyfriend's mum who used to tell me that her son only hit me becaise he loved so much. "If he didn't love you so much, you wouldn't be able to make him that angry! Just don't make him angry."

He's just worried about you because he cares. If he didn't care about you so much, he wouldn't be so worried. Don't do things that make him worry.

@Tallisker she will WFH on holidays so that she doesn't need to take annual leave. A lot of companies do allow it, but usually cap it at around 30 days so that it doesn't impact payroll taxes.

Nope, absolutely not. You don't need a babysitter, you're a grown adult and if you weren't with him you'd be doing all sorts of things on your own.

This would be an absolute red line for me, I've been with my partner 20 years but I am my own person.

There are a lot of red flags here. My husband and I take solo trips every now and then, it's lovely and we always have a lot to talk about once we're back.

Threatening someone and then saying it is not a threat... does not mean it's not a threat.

Are you able to expand on this 'blip' a little more. How often would he contact you when you started uni? Continuous phone calls/texts, threats to harm himself etc? Do you need to 'check in' with him when you go out with friends/family, does he sabotage things by 'feeling unwell' if you do anything without him?

He’s either jealous (doesn’t trust your reasons), controlling, afraid to admit he would miss you, over anxious, or just has a different view as to how things are once married.

Being highly independent myself I must admit that if a man told me he was planning what you are planning I would find it a bit strange. You can get spa / beauty treatments anywhere. So very hypocritical of me, I admit.

More talk to get to the bottom of his reasons maybe? How you see each other as partners and what that means?

But someone coming over all ‘protective’ of me would really irritate me.

It would be a huge problem for me personally, travel and exploring other places is very important to me. Before I met DH I'd lived and travelled in different places, and he is very different. But he has always accepted how i am.

Pre kids, I went to Albania by myself in a similar situation to you in terms of leave, did a few days in Tirana and then went into the mountains. It was 100% not his thing i guess but he was happy to hear all about it when i got back. If there'd been a question of 'allowing' or 'threats' i very much doubt we'd still be together.

ETA he is very protective by nature and i WhatsApped him to let him know i was ok each day.

So many red flags. He is trying to restrict you, he is threatening you and he is dismissing you as though you are his subordinate. If you were watching a TV drama and this scene played out on screen would you feel that the woman in the scene was safe….or would you be expecting this to be the start of a story of control and abuse? I know I would feel very uneasy for a woman in that situation.

‘I understand you are worried but your concerns for my welfare do not take priority over my desire to go if I wish. I am not a child to be told what I may or may not do and be threatened with “consequences” for misbehaviour and told to sit in silence as punishment. If you continue to behave in this controlling manner rather than work with me to address your fears whilst still enabling me to do as I wish, then I can assure you there will be consequences.’

Why would you WFH when you’re on a jolly? Would your work permit that?

And yes, your DH’s behaviour is a MASSIVE problem. How very dare he threaten you with sanctions if you go and forbid you from mentioning it again?

Even if you do go his words of veiled threats will ruin it anyway..
When I got home - a friend collected me from the airport as dh refused - he emptied my case in front of her checking my clothes for signs I had cheated...

How would you feel if you didn't go because of that conversation? If you're likely to feel resentful for not going and he's likely to be more than resentful if you do go I think you have problems..

I think you need to examine your relationship, does this sort of thing happen often, is he very dependent, have you possibly outgrown him.

You do need to discuss with him about why he's so adamant that you shouldn't go without him.

I wouldn’t like this at all. It doesn’t sound like he’s worried about your safety as such, and you sound like you’re used to travelling so I’m assuming it’s not the type of scenario where someone who’s been in a remote village for 50 years suddenly lands in NYC or similar!

Don’t let him stop you, it’s a slippery slope to not being able to do anything by yourself.

. My exh was similar and I was going as a relative's carer!.
Exh.
Just saying.

But I am at home a lot because I WFH so maybe this is just a bit sudden for him.

Seriously, OP, there is nothing at all wrong with you going away for a few days like this.

Why do you think it's sudden for him? Because he's used to knowing exactly where you are and what you're doing and he likes it that way? And now you're going to be out of range for a few days?

He's not a child whose mummy is going away for a few days for the first time and has never been separated from mummy before and so needs time to prepare and come to terms with it.

He's an adult male who likes his equally adult female where he knows exactly where she is and exactly what she's doing.

Caring is:
"I'm concerned about your safety if you go and I'll worry about you. I accept it's your decision though."
Controlling is:
"I forbid it. If you do it anyway I'll punish you in some way."

Your DH has said the controlling one.

I do think it is a bit unfair that you get to spend joint money on a holiday he can't go on, so I would make sure there is equal money available for him to spend on his hobbies/fun, even if that's not a holiday due to his annual leave situation. But that's a totally separate issue to his controlling behaviour.

That was a threat, do what you are told or there will be consequences! Also saying he doesn’t want to hear from you for the rest of the evening?? That’s like something a controlling father would say, icky as well as a huge red flag 🚩

Plan your holiday and reconsider your relationship while away.

I do think this crosses the line from protective to controlling OP. My husband is quite protective, he worries and I totally understand that because I can be a bit of a worrier as well, but he also understands that I am an adult and he would never tell me I can’t do something, or shut down a conversation with “I don’t want to hear about this again” because I’m not 6 years old.

I would absolutely not tolerate any of this: you’re an adult, just book it and enjoy:

Seems like it might be a trust thing in that he's worried you might cheat if you go away without him, and he's covering that with"concerns" about your safety, which is not great from him. Do you think that could be the case?

I don’t like the sound of him OP 🚩

I totally agree. It's definitely a threat. Telling OP that he doesn't want to hear anything else from her for the rest of the night sounds like a parent chastising a child.

He sounds like an absolute prick to me. You are not a child to be told what you can and cannot do.

This is more about him than you. I'd be booking the trip and hell mend him.

I would absolutely not tolerate being told I couldn't do what I wanted by my partner. Ever. My XH was controlling but I would not have accepted that from him.

Your life. Your body. Your choice.

Book it.

I also think you need to rethink your marriage. At the very minimum you need couples therapy.

I’m with the other posters. My late husband was very protective and worried a lot about me. But that would be shown by him googling a city I was going to and telling me about any areas where he thought I should be wary of. He wouldn’t have suggested I shouldn’t go. This seems to cross that line from protecting to controlling. Agree about not having children with him until you are sure this is sorted out.