“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

Oh we'd have a problem right now if he thought he could tell me what I could and couldn't do. As for not wanting to hear any more from me? Too fucking bad, he'd hear plenty. Go nuclear and rip him a new one, controlling, patronising prick.

Just chiming in with PP - lots of red flags. Sounds controlling and disrespectful. At best, this needs to be nipped in the bud (if it can), at worst, you need to consider your future with him, and what compromises and unhappiness may be in store for you. You need to be you, and a healthy relationship shouldn't get in the way of that. In any case, please don't have children with him until you have figured this out.

Unless you've missed something important (e.g. it's Tehran) then I'd be seriously questioning this relationship. Using threats to control you is just abuse. Unless he comes back grovelling for his shitty language, I'd be out of there.

I wouldn’t like the fact that he would have a big problem when you got back. Surely his concern is for your wellbeing so if you got back safe and enjoyed your break, what is there to have a problem with?

I could understand his concern for your safety but he's presented it in a controlling and patronising manner, which I would not appreciate at all.

Huge red flags and I will put money on their being other red flags in your relationship that you haven't noticed yet and that more will develop.

You met him young... was he also very young or a bit older? Because ift he latter, that's a red flag right there.

"overwhelmed" by your family? Bollocks. That's a control tactic to get you to spend less time with them, be less influenced by them / less reliant on them so that you are only reliant on him. I bet he's not wild about you spending time with them one-on-one either.

You WFH a lot. How convenient for him. What happens when you do go into the office? How does he feel about drinks out with the team? Especialyl if there are men involved? Or do you find you don't do that much?

If you met young, I suspect it was easy for him to control and limit you as you were used to those boundaries. As you get older, and attempt to pull away or gain more independence, his control will ramp up. Things might "improve" for a while after you have chidren because you'll most likely naturally slip into the lead parent role, being at home etc. But it's still there, it's just the children are the control tactic.

When he’s saying you’ll have to watch your back, are you wanting to visit somewhere with quite a high crime rate? I’m only asking because he could feel anxious about the possibility of something happening to you as a solo female if so. It does sound controlling overall though and I would be inclined to just go regardless. I travel every now and then alone and most places are fine, you have to be savvy and streetwise obviously.

He sounds jealous, controlling and worried you're going to see more of life and realise you made the wrong decision to be with him

This is disturbing especially the threat about what will happen if you go. Please don't get pregnant, abuse tends to ramp up when that happens

He’s jealous

Mine would say "I don't like the idea of you alone there because xyz" if he felt like I could be in danger, but he would never say "you can't go alone".

It's the "can't" and the threat of him causing problems that's the red flags here. Can't suggests he thinks he can decide for you, and the threat is coercing you to do what he seems correct, so you're not having to deal with the problems.

My first husband was very similar. He however refused to travel outside the Uk but wasn’t happy for me to go on my own. Second time I went abroad without him he said he’d change the locks if I went. I went anyway. He didn’t change the locks. Other controlling and abusive behaviours were already there but got worse over the years and I left. Book the trip. Life’s too bloody short!

He sounds very controlling to me and I wouldn’t appreciate him threatening me. Is he much older than you?

Definitely go on your trip. He is not your boss.

When i first read your title, i assumed it was going to be a parent setting rules for their teenager.

He sounds quite scary to me tbh op.

Op, you really should re-evaluate this relationship. It’s not just the controlling behaviour around you travelling by yourself and questioning how often you go away. He is also telling you off, shutting down any conversation and trying to emotionally blackmail you. It all sounds quite toxic.

I’m a bit puzzled by this -
When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking.
’Off with you’ is a bit archaic, but generally means ‘clear off’ or even ‘don’t be ridiculous’, rather than ‘off you go, then’. Even ‘off you go’ wouldn’t mean ‘of course you should go!’ In this context it would be more like ‘well, bugger off, then’

Is he controlling in any other ways? Does he have issue when you go away with friends or socialise with out him? Do you feel like you don’t do things to keep the peace?
if he’s generally a good egg and you don’t normally have issues. It could be he’s anxious about you being alone and he’s managed it badly in which case I’d expect an apology and a discussion about how you treat one another.
Ultimately he can’t tell you what to do or threaten you/ ignore you when you don’t do as your told. That’s unacceptable behaviour. You absolutely should go on the trip and have to see how he responds to that . He sounds quite insecure but that’s his issue to work on it shouldn’t be your issue to manage

I think it massively crosses the line from protective to controlling, especially when he threatens you with making it difficult when you return and storing your solo trip for future arguments when things get bad. That is not normal behaviour.

Given your update about how HE didn't cope very well when you went to university, he sounds insecure. Does he want to keep you trapped within four walls?

Controlling and threatening to boot. I don't take kindly to that shit so I would absolutely do it anyway.

I'd probably lock away valuables and important documents first, just in case he pulls the great petty stuff. But it'll show you exactly what he's capable of before you waste any more time with him.

But he makes it sound like you're going some where like Marrakesh - I wouldn't go solo there (and I've been around!).

He might have been raised by a MNtter, who faints at the idea of letting their children spend a few hours in London even in their 20s so the idea of a lone woman gives him anxiety 😂

Either way, that's not your problem.

Being protective and insisting you spend enough to book a safe hotel and use safe taxis, or worried you would miss going without a friend would be one thing.

hes' being ridiculously controlling, and his threats would be enough to make me not come back.

Is there somehting else gong on with your rleationship.??

I also know that if I said to my husband, I'm taking a long weekend to go to x on my own as I want to do stuff that probably won't interest you. He'd be OK with it and get it.

But I probably wouldn't as I like spending time and travelling with him - and we'd be more likely to go together, do different stuff and meet up later.

OP do not tolerate this. Ducks in a row time methinks

This. 100%

Book the trip, get legal advice re divorce before you go and go and have a great time.

In fact, no. Just get legal advice and divorce the prick. It was a threat 100%. do you want to stay with someone who threatens you if they don't get their own way?

I am married, with 2 young DC. I have often said to DH I would like to do some solo travelling. He says fine, he would be concerned that I am safe but would never try stop me. I haven't gone yet. The last trip I took without him was a hen, but I stayed on for the day after alone and caught the last flight home.

I can understand you DH might be worried. But he does sound a bit controlling, he cannot tell you what you can and cannot do. You will most likely be in a city in Europe, with normal safety precautions like you need to take everywhere it will be fine.

Very controlling. Red flags everywhere

Well i am all for women acting like the adults they but the endless advice on here is women cant be let loose on theit own

And the low men bar used for everything, personally I say go for it a woman doesn't need to be treated like a little girl its weird