“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

"He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised."

This is worrying. So he thinks you should stop doing things just because of his 'feelings' when there is no negative impact on him that can be demonstrated objectively (you're not expecting him to partly fund this or cover some obligation for you while you're away?). Yet he can decide which of your concerns he is prepared to hear!!?

I've been married a very long time, am mid sixties with minor health problems (so more 'vulnerable' than you?) but am looking forward to travelling solo to several European cities in a few weeks. My husband encourages me - sometimes we travel together, sometimes we don't. We enjoy different things.

However, seeing your update about your relationship generally, is there any chance this caught him off guard and that he dug his heels in, in the heat of the moment? I'd talk to him about his response and focus on this more than the trip as it seems more important - how disappointed and hurt you were by his assumption that he had the right to tell you not to do something just because he didn't like it. Point out how you wouldn't dream of stopping him going off on his own for a hobby weekend just because you'd run out of annual leave to come too.

If he says he doesn't want to hear any more then my answer would be that if he wants the marriage to continue, he's not only going to have to hear it, he'll have to listen very carefully. There's a balance between taking care of each other and being kind & respectful whilst not allowing one person's unreasonable 'feelings' to dictate the life of other family members. I'd suggest he needs to recalibrate this balance before you think about children.

"Sit down together and discuss it and then come to a decision"
Why? OP made a decision: to have a city break.

You are a person in your own right (separate from him)

Yes, he is controlling. Tell him absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I am currently single, but if/when I date again I will be doing trips alone (hiking/city breaks)

I think he's worried about you being beyond his control, rather than being worried about your safety.

In your position I would be planning to leave, then you can do all the solo holidays you want without him threatening you.

I went solo travelling for a few days earlier this year. The conversation went along the lines of:
"I'd like to go here, would that be OK childcare wise with you"
"Yes great, its important you do this for yourself, you do so much at home, have a great time and don't worry about a thing".

You might look back one day on your life and realise how much you missed out on because of this man. While you are healthy, able, have the money and the time then you should absolutely do what you want to do with your life. Your years are precious.

Are you a man ? Because you’re presenting OP’s DH’s case very nicely. He’s exhibiting controlling and coercive behaviour and treating his wife as though she is a child. ‘I don’t want to hear anything from you for the rest of the night’ is no way to be speaking to someone who is supposed to be your life partner and equal.

Can you point out where OP either over reacted or goaded ? She made a perfectly reasonable suggestion. His response to it was unacceptable, and the fact that she’s posting here is very likely because this is the first sign of problem behaviour. So advising her to meet that response by considering whether she’s going to be happy in the relationship in twenty years time is utterly unconscionable when the reality is that if she continues as they are, in twenty years time she will either be divorced or reduced to an isolated nervous wreck, not allowed to do anything or go anywhere alone, terrified of upsetting him, and likely beaten regularly too.

The posters here advocating ending the relationship are very likely those who have experienced this behaviour, know how it starts, how it progresses and how OP will end up if she submits to it.

RED FLAG ALERT!

My DH used to do this to me. You're not doing that, and you're not going there. etc etc etc. Didn't last long, as I don't take too kindly to being told what to do. I did what I wanted and told him if he wanted a woman he could boss about and take control of, he should have married someone else.

I HATE people telling me what to do/what's best for me/how I should be doing this and that etc etc. I am my own person with agency and capacity, and I'm not a fucking child.

Well, id be going right ahead and booking it and just carrying on as if his threats were in my imagination tbh, thats how little his views would matter to me.

Bloody hell OP, this is quite sinister.
You might resolve it by asking to start the conversation again, saying that you have decided to go but you appreciate that he's worried and ask if you can reassure him on any particular points. Eg, if you are planning to stay in the more popular areas when out at night, or if you are taking a personal alarm with you, you can tell him that. You might even consider any suggestions he has for staying safe. But he's not in charge of you, you are not a child, and he needs telling that.

You overreacted and goaded him, ".

What did the OP say that was goady or an over-reaction? I re-read her post and I can't see it myself.

I go off and see friends and luckily can stay over in some houses, other times I am in a hotel and Dh worries about me because of the lone female in a hotel part.

But he has never threatened me, told me we must do things together and only together. He has never used something I do as an excuse to deliberately hurt me at a later date.

He isn't hurt that I go away, he just misses me and I miss him but I don't think he wants to walk around a quilting fair somehow and I would rather go with my best mate who loves sewing too but who sadly lives several hours away from me.

This is screaming red flags OP and you know it. This is the time to sit down with him and try to unpick his behaviour. It might be that he hasn't seen it for what it is, controlling and abusive.

Does Lundy Bancroft's book cover this? The book is called Why Does He Do That and it is available as a pdf online. It gets recommended on her all the time. Have a look.

Book it and plan it. Try to involve him in the arrangements. You will definitely know then if he is just a moany old prick or if he is genuinely concerned about certain areas in the city you should avoid etc. etc.

It will the big test. It has to be done, and based on his reaction to you going, you will have time away from him to assess your situation.

I cannot understand this thing about men not wanting their partners to go away without them. I'm sure they wouldn't hesitate to go away with the lads and wouldn't want their partner anywhere near them!

One of the strengths of a relationship IMV is the trust element. Think about that OP.

100% controlling. He's got you so conditioned to think you need permission that you're writing two paragraphs to justify here why you want to go on a solo trip. There's no justification required.

I think you have to go now that he's threatened to throw a paddy if you do.

If you don't go, he will be buoyed up to veto anything else he wants to stop you doing in future.

The threats have really left you no choice but to carry on. I hope you have a great time.

OP you said he told you if you went alone you would have a problem when you got back. Well I’m sorry but you’ve already got a problem and it’s him. This doesn’t come from a place of worry about you and your safety while you’re away. It’s simply that he doesn’t want you to go. He has no right to use your marriage as a reason not to go - you’re married, not joined at the hip.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

This paragraph above is the root of the problem. It’s threatening and controlling, and telling you he ‘doesn’t want to hear anything from you for the rest of the night’ isn’t a ‘bit patronising’ it’s insulting and very, very concerning. You’re not a child, you’re his wife - his equal. He clearly doesn’t see you as such and I’m sorry to say this would have me reconsidering the whole relationship.

Honestly sometimes I do wonder about the women on here advocating chucking in the towel as soon as a disagreement arises.

Do you love him?
Are you willing to put in the effort?
Would you be happy for him to go solo abroad for 4 days?

When first you mentioned the solo trip he thought you were joking and dismissed it. Then when you persisted he queried your safety.
Your persistence threw him!

You overreacted and goaded him, he overreacted and hit back with restrictions.

Sit down together and discuss it and then come to a decision. He may feel you’re growing away from him, he may be resentful of the money you’re spending. He may be insecure about your relationship. Who knows, but ask!

No one is perfect and the grass is not always greener.
Think, are you going to be happy in the relationship in 20 years time.

Of course go but accept he may be uncomfortable.
He may be just reflecting his insecurities onto you. Marriage is a negotiation, the key is, are you moving forward in the same direction.

Of course this is controlling and his 'warning' that if you do go, you'll have a big problem when you get back, is definitely a threat.

I would book your trip and tell him that you will indeed have a big problem if he thinks he can dictate where you go and what you do.

Even if you were doing a solo trip, as a woman to Kabul, the most he can say without being controlling is that he'd be very worried about you and he'd rather you didn't.

Anywhere fairly mainstream and safe, he needs to wave you off with smile and a kiss, and keep any irrational worries to himself.

Also, on top of th eoverall controlling behaviour, I'm gobsmacked at how casuall yhe threatens to punish you if you don't do what he says. You really do have a child-adult relationship here and that is NOT healthy.

I wouldn’t like the fact that he would have a big problem when you got back. Surely his concern is for your wellbeing so if you got back safe and enjoyed your break, what is there to have a problem with?

Yes, this. Sorry OP, he's saying it's all about your safety but there's more to it in his head. If it was just about your safety then the grown-up thing to do would be to have a conversation about what else you could do to keep safe while travelling alone but he's shut that down before you even start.

His reaction was really extreme. So it does sound as if he wants a friend with you to check up on your behaviour.

doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc).

This is also a bit dodgy - why do you have to be joined at the hip when you travel with him? Don't you go off and do your own thing while he amuses himself? DH and I spend most of our time together on holiday but if one of us wants to do an activity and the other doesn't it's not a problem to split up.

Agree!! this paragraph right here would changed the way I feel about him instantly. It absolutely is a threat, and I would be thinking long and hard about what this relationship is going to look like into the future and whether I want to stay in it.

Do not thank him for his ‘concern’!

It’s control and threats masquerading as faux-concern.

Not only should you go, OP, but you should use it as an opportunity to think hard about your relationship.

I wouldn’t like his attitude at all - red flags all over that. DH and I have been together 30 years and I recently went to India for 3 weeks by myself - DH was pleased for me. Helped me with the visa application because he wanted to, suggested a few places I might like etc. What exactly does your H think will happen for you to need him? I would try to find out his “fears” - but actually this would expose he is a controlling arse and not worried about you per se.

Just go. He is surprised and not interested in that city.

Thank DH for the concern and encourage him to help book safe accommodation. Don't worry about his unreasonable reaction. Send him a post card.

Is there something else as to why he doesn't agree with five holidays peryear? Are you both saving for a house deposit?

He is controlling. How he spoke to you and threatening you is a huge red flag. I’m married and dh and I have always done things together, things as a family (with kids) and then things on our own (with friends). I went away for a few days on my own last year to a European city. My friend joined me for the last 2 nights. I had a great time and dh didn’t say anything other than- have a good time and stay safe.