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Original poster

“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

387 replies

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 09:36

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 19/05/2026 11:39

That is controlling all over. So many red flags.

Lottie6712 · 19/05/2026 11:38

This type of reaction sounds very controlling and would make me feel really uneasy. My DH and I have been together for years and both taken solo trips and have only ever been supportive and interested.

CatCaretaker · 19/05/2026 11:37

Bonkers, before we had a baby i'd organise and book my trips, and tell him afterwards. His general response would be, 'perfect, I'll have the TV to myself'.

Mamalot88 · 19/05/2026 11:37

Good for you for standing up for yourself so well. You sound like such a confident and well travelled person, I am envious to be honest. I really hope you follow through with your trip. You mentioned you dont have kids, I do and I would be so proud if my daughter grew up to have this independence and confidence. This sounds very controlling of DH and I think he is just using the safety issue as an excuse to control and manipulate. I detest that phase "like talking to a wall" I think its the height of disrespect too say that to your other half. My husband said it to me once amd he won't be saying it again

ilikemethewayiam · 19/05/2026 11:37

So he still didn’t clarify what he meant by ‘consequences’ then?

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:36

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:33

Firstly, I think he was a bit anxious about you OP. Then I think wondered if he should be suspicious of your plans.
He doesn’t believe you will be working from the hotel for a start. Who goes on holiday but is also working ?
People do go away on their own. And you should be able to as well. But from what I can gather the way you have presented it to him and talked to him has got his back up massively.

But that’s his issue to deal with. The OP doesn’t have to soften him up or ‘tactfully present’ her plan to go on a short city break any more than she has to flatter him into agreeing to let her go out on Saturday night with her friends. It’s not his call.

His feelings are his to manage.

Mamalot88 · 19/05/2026 11:35

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills. Hmm

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

Good for you for standing up for yourself so well. You sound like such a confident and well travelled person, I am envious to be honest. I really hope you follow through with your trip. You mentioned you dont have kids, I do and I would be so proud if my daughter grew up to have this independence and confidence. This sounds very controlling of DH and I think he is just using the safety issue as an excuse to control and manipulate. I detest that phase "like talking to a wall" I think its the height of disrespect too say that to your other half. My husband said it to me once amd he won't be saying it again

catipuss · 19/05/2026 11:35

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:31

That’s one of the most outrageously stupid things I’ve read on here. He’s an adult, presumably with friends and family and a job. He can cope with his wife not being at home for four days. (DH is away in another country at the moment for fun. I was in another country solo for five days in January, and went away to stay with friends last month. This is completely normal for married people. We’ve also been away together with our DS.) He doesn’t get to veto trips on safety grounds — she’s going on a short city break, not parachuting into downtown Mogadishu in the middle of the civil war.

Of course she’s ’considering his feelings’, she just, quite rightly, thinks his feelings, on this, are ridiculous.

Show quote history

Some people can only see things from one point of view, not everyone is the same. Things that are fine for you may not be fine for someone else believe it or not.

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 11:34

Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills. Hmm

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

I'm glad you said you're going anyway, I really hope you do.

He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way

He gets worse. Now he's trying to make you doubt yourself and think "will I really be safe?" (even though you said yourself you've been flying solo and getting yourself about the capital since your teens!
Presumably as he thinks his other tactics aren't working "well" enough.
Don't listen to him.

Portugal1987 · 19/05/2026 11:33

Curious what exactly the "consequences" would be. Like you're a teenager!

Monty36 · 19/05/2026 11:33

Firstly, I think he was a bit anxious about you OP. Then I think wondered if he should be suspicious of your plans.
He doesn’t believe you will be working from the hotel for a start. Who goes on holiday but is also working ?
People do go away on their own. And you should be able to as well. But from what I can gather the way you have presented it to him and talked to him has got his back up massively.

Boxcan · 19/05/2026 11:32

I think it's both. He genuinely believes it's to protect you but society has, for centuries, used the idea that women need protecting (from the sodding men) to control them.

It sounds like he's OK for you to go without him, but not alone?

LowPowerModes · 19/05/2026 11:31

catipuss · 19/05/2026 11:23

Lots of different things really, he doesn't want her to go, he may not relish being left alone for several days, he may be worried about safety travelling around a strange city alone even if it is relatively safe, he does not like that she is not considering his opinion or his feelings. And saying she can do what ever she likes and it's nothing to do with him may be true, but is pretty hurtful if you are in a loving relationship.

Unfortunate words were said on both sides and one or both are going to be upset one way or another now, he will be upset if she goes, she may not enjoy it as much as she hoped if she knows he is stewing at home. She will be upset and resentful if she doesn't go and he may feel guilty for stopping her.

That’s one of the most outrageously stupid things I’ve read on here. He’s an adult, presumably with friends and family and a job. He can cope with his wife not being at home for four days. (DH is away in another country at the moment for fun. I was in another country solo for five days in January, and went away to stay with friends last month. This is completely normal for married people. We’ve also been away together with our DS.) He doesn’t get to veto trips on safety grounds — she’s going on a short city break, not parachuting into downtown Mogadishu in the middle of the civil war.

Of course she’s ’considering his feelings’, she just, quite rightly, thinks his feelings, on this, are ridiculous.

Iwanttobeafraser · 19/05/2026 11:31

how does he feel about you going out without him near home/work?

Does he insist on picking you up and dropping you off at all times?

Why is your safety "his responsibility"?

Is he much older than you? When you were at universitry separately to him did you feel you couldn't go out or party or do things without updating him at all times?

Original poster
Samuelthespaniel · 19/05/2026 11:28

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills. Hmm

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

OP posts:
Iwanttobeafraser · 19/05/2026 11:27

Mamalot88 · 19/05/2026 11:23

Sounds like this is coming from a place of insecurity/control. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him calmly one more time-its really important to me that I get to do this solo trip by myself for a few days. I would feel much better about going if you supported it. You have to trust me that I will put my safety first and am a confident solo traveller. And feck it then I would go anyway.

Insecurity and anxiety are often used as control tactics. if the insecurity/anxiety is real, that is somethign for the person experiencing it to deal with, not the people in their lives.

My irrational fear is of a late night car accident. If I had my way, no one would ever travel late at night in the car. needless to say, I woudl never ever ever tell DH he can't travel at night in the car. that's MY issue, and I have to deal with it.

SerafinasGoose · 19/05/2026 11:26

INeedAnotherName · 19/05/2026 09:45

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

Keep reading that to yourself. That is controlling and definitely NOT caring, it is coercive and emotional abuse. Look them both up.

That is exactly the passage that leapt off the page for me too. It bears requoting.

This is the problem, right here.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/05/2026 11:25

This is a sliding door moment in your marriage Op, what you deceide to do next will have consequences. If you agree not to go he'll know he can just tell you no and you'll give in, if you go regardless he'll see it as disrespect and you not caring what he wants. The question is, are you prepared to live a smaller life to sooth his insecurities?

catipuss · 19/05/2026 11:23

Lots of different things really, he doesn't want her to go, he may not relish being left alone for several days, he may be worried about safety travelling around a strange city alone even if it is relatively safe, he does not like that she is not considering his opinion or his feelings. And saying she can do what ever she likes and it's nothing to do with him may be true, but is pretty hurtful if you are in a loving relationship.

Unfortunate words were said on both sides and one or both are going to be upset one way or another now, he will be upset if she goes, she may not enjoy it as much as she hoped if she knows he is stewing at home. She will be upset and resentful if she doesn't go and he may feel guilty for stopping her.

Mamalot88 · 19/05/2026 11:23

Sounds like this is coming from a place of insecurity/control. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him calmly one more time-its really important to me that I get to do this solo trip by myself for a few days. I would feel much better about going if you supported it. You have to trust me that I will put my safety first and am a confident solo traveller. And feck it then I would go anyway.

Bryonny84 · 19/05/2026 11:22

I went to Australia on my own without my then husband. He didn't want to go, I had always wanted to go so I went. He was OK about it even though I was away for 6 weeks! We did eventually split years later but it wasn't about me going on holidays alone. If you're only going on a city break I don't see the problem.

ginasevern · 19/05/2026 11:19

"I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family)."

So he's presumably fine with all of that? It's just the solo trip that's sent him over the edge?

IAmBeaIDrinkTea · 19/05/2026 11:19

Oh, hell no! I love going away by myself for a weekend (in fact I am doing soon 😁) and no way would I be putting up with that shit!

He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own
Um... yes, he is restricting you. He's telling you you "can't" go by yourself.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised
Emotional blackmail, and telling you to be quiet for the rest of the night?! Who does he think he is?!
You're not a child.
Go. Don't let him set a precedent. What would he do if you did? "Big problem when you get back" 🙄
Like what? Call his bluff. If you don't feel you'd be safe doing that, then there's your answer to ditch him as he'd clearly be a wrong un.

SherbertsHerberts · 19/05/2026 11:18

Get out of this marriage. This will not get better.

If you don't go now, he knows his behaviour works and will ramp up. You'll end up never doing anything without his "permission."

If you do go, he will be a nightmare when you get back. You may push back and maybe you'll keep pushing back for a while, but what will happen is, one day you'll think to yourself, "I'd like to do this thing but it's not worth all the grief from him" and you won't do it. And then that will be your life.

It's the frog in boiling water situation.

This might sound like a dramatic extrapolation from this incident but the pattern is so common that those of us who have been in controlling relationships can see it a mile away.

notacooldad · 19/05/2026 11:15

I dont even know where to start with this one!
OK im 60. I have two children who are now adults. I have always had more annual leave than dh.
I love travelling whether its in the uk or abroad and have travelled solo since I was 19.
When the boys were in primary school I would sometimes have a long weekend away by myself if the boys were doing things with their dad that I wasn't interested in, eg farming stuff, car maintenance etc. I would get a cheap flight of skyscanner and use booking.com. I would face time them and we would all chat together about our day.
Dh would encourage me to go ''what else are you going to do, you'll just end up doing housework "
As they got older I would travel for longer going to places like Serbia, Uzbekistan and Albania ( before it became popular)

Not once has dh told me it would be an issue for our marriage. I am more adventurous and he is a somebody. He recognises that. The only time he was concerned was when I had planned to go to Belarus but I couldn't go anyway.

I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. He contradicted himself in one sentence!

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat
Yes, that definitely is a threat!

A husband should want you to shine and make the most of yourself. Your Dh wants to deliberately hold you back.
If he is genuinely serious about your safety what on earth does he think is going to happen when you are doing a bit of crafting?

To the poster that said Why would you WFH when you’re on a jolly? Would your work permit that?
We are allowed to work anywhere in the UK as long as we are working when we are supposed to be. Once we finish work our downtime is our own whether we are in York, Chester or Edinburgh!

But he makes it sound like you're going some where like Marrakesh - I wouldn't go solo there (and I've been around!).

and? What if she wanted to go to Marrakech. Its alright for her dh to limit her choices and and say where she can and cannot go. Doesnt she have agency and not allowed to think for herself. Its not my favourite place but I would go back by myself again.

Im planning on South Korea solo next year as Dh has a big project on that will keep him busy. He doesn't put travel restrictions on me because he knows I've done my research, knows that I know how to keep myself safe as much as I can. I am likely to face danger walking around certain sorts of my town at night than I am in some of the countries I've gone to solo and prepped for by looking into their laws and expectations of tourists as well as local scams etc.