“You’re not going on your own” - caring or controlling? AIBU?

I think you both used language which would have made the other angrier..
I think an adult conversation was needed, not you saying it was non of his business, and him saying he’d effectively sulk forever if you go!
I would leave things to calm then raise it again telling him that he has the gym to unwind and that this trip for you is you exploring your hobbies and interests. If his concern is you going alone and your safety then this is valid and maybe you could sit together and come up with plans to keep you safe. Or if this wouldn’t work, you present him with your strategies to stay safe.
i think to say if you went he’d remember it forever is very immature …. Like he can’t think of an adequate punishment right now.

Also telling you not to say another word all evening is extremely rude, how you’d talk to a child not an equal partner’

I don’t understand your point.
Your DH is working. Lots of people work in all sorts of locations.
But she said she can go away for a break and work all at the same time. I can only assume she means she works part time.

You keep saying this. Why not? My DH works all over the world from his laptop and doesn't just wander off for a beer at 2pm when he's meant to be in a meeting. Plus the OP's working arrangements are fuck all to do with her husband.

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

Alright then perhaps I should have simply said ‘how she talked to him about it’.

I don’t think she shouldn’t go. But first of all he was I think concerned, then a bit suspicious. And I for one don’t think she will be working and holidaying all at the same time either.

I wouldn’t be happy with this BUT I note you have not said the city.

there are some cities that are definitely less safe than others and my view might change eg if you said you wanted to go to downtown Mogadishu I’d be on his side.

My husband and I had words over the possibility of a solo trip (it was just an idea) yesterday and I think he may be the unreasonable party but I thought I’d ask in case I am genuinely missing something important here.

For context, married 4 years, no kids. Basically I brought up the idea of a city break I’d like to go on. We normally travel together with the exception of when I go on weekend trips with a friend or family or for work (which so far has only involved flying to a neighbouring country where I have family).

When I first mentioned it yesterday he essentially said “off with you” but his reaction later makes me think that this earlier comment was said because he thought I was joking. DH has no holidays left to take this year, I can WFH. I was considering doing a 3-4 night stay in this city and doing all of the things that I wouldn’t like to bore him with when we travel together eg taking myself off for a facial, some activities (think craft type things, etc). Great, I thought. I can WFH from the hotel and afterwards check out the landmarks, some shopping, etc. it would be my first solo trip in the sense that it would be the first time I’ve travelled alone purely for leisure for that amount of time, but I was looking forward to it and thought it would actually be good for my personal development.

Spoke about it again last night as I told DH about things that I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy doing that I was looking at doing in the city, and he said yeah but you’d need someone to watch your back there. I said I’m sure it would be fine, it’s a relatively safe city by any standard. He said “I’m not restricting you, you just can’t go on your own. Why don’t you wait til next year and see if (name of friend) can go with you. I said it’s not really the point, my friend might not want to go and I was particularly enjoying the prospect of going by myself. I

said I don’t see what it’s really got to do with you (perhaps this was wrong in hindsight). He said we’re married, we do everything together, to which I said that plenty of married people solo travel and he said “I don’t care, I don’t have to worry about them”. I said well ultimately it’s my choice and I have autonomy over my own actions.

He said that if I ignore his feelings then he’ll remember this for again and that we’ll have a big problem when I get back and that’s all he’s going to say, and that it’s not a threat. I replied by saying it does sound like a bit of a threat really. He said he didn’t want to hear anything else from me for the rest of the night, which also felt a bit patronising and like I was being chastised.

I should also mention that at some point in the conversation he asked why I needed to go away so often and I already go away 3-4 times a year with him and what’s the rush and do I want to just take a year out and travel or something and if that’s the case go off and do it (although I don’t see how that would be fine by him but a 3-4 city break isn’t, but anyway). I said that no, I don’t want to take a year out to go travelling and I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is, but he said the signs are there that I want to be away all the time. I do like to go away, but it’s not to escape anything as such, I really do just like to see new places and thought it would be a good opportunity. I mean, I don’t question why he goes to the gym 3-4 times per week. I don’t feel like it’s any of my business. But I think I should be allowed to explore my hobbies as well.

Sorry this was so long! But does anyone have any experience of this? Did you go anyway? Did you decide against it?

the way you have presented it to him and talked to him

There shouldn't be a presentation or talk to him!
You just say it like it is.
I booked a nice city break, a few days away for myself a few weeks ago on a whim.
Me - " I've booked to go to "This Place"
DH - "oh, ok nice. Have fun!"

That's it. Bloody hell, couldn't be doing with the stress of thinking I had to "present it" right!
Fuck that lol

Bonkers, before we had a baby i'd organise and book my trips, and tell him afterwards. His general response would be, 'perfect, I'll have the TV to myself'.

I just spoke to him and asked him to clarify that indeed he said we would have a problem and there would be consequences if I went. He said yes because I completely disregarded and ignored his views on safety. I told him that that was unacceptable for me and that he can’t decide for me whether I go somewhere or not and he said it’s like talking to a wall and that the amount of young women who have been targeted is unsafe and that I didn’t listen to him because he clearly said that if I find a friend to go with at least there’s two of us.

I did emphasise that I have been flying alone since I was 14 and getting about the capital city that I grew up in from about 12 so I’d be fine. He said I’m not street smart, I questioned in what way exactly? He replied “in every way” (this is despite things such as me pointing out common scams to him in cities we have visited eg the age-old shoe polish scam in Istanbul where I told my husband not to pick up the dropped brush as it was a known scam), navigating my way through the subway stations in Asia (which he was all too happy for me to do and actually complimented), learning a few phrases of the local language before we travel, etc so it’s puzzling how suddenly I’ve lost these skills.

I told him yesterday was appalling and he said he didn’t speak to me like anything and that he is responsible for my safety (I replied that I am responsible for my own safety). He said I’m making out like he doesn’t trust me, I said not at all. He said go then and he’s not talking about it anymore and that if I want him to care I’m not doing a very good job. I said indeed I would be going and always was irrespective of his views. So there’s that I suppose.

But that’s his issue to deal with. The OP doesn’t have to soften him up or ‘tactfully present’ her plan to go on a short city break any more than she has to flatter him into agreeing to let her go out on Saturday night with her friends. It’s not his call.

His feelings are his to manage.

Firstly, I think he was a bit anxious about you OP. Then I think wondered if he should be suspicious of your plans.
He doesn’t believe you will be working from the hotel for a start. Who goes on holiday but is also working ?
People do go away on their own. And you should be able to as well. But from what I can gather the way you have presented it to him and talked to him has got his back up massively.

Bonkers, before we had a baby i'd organise and book my trips, and tell him afterwards. His general response would be, 'perfect, I'll have the TV to myself'.