AIBU to think the system punishes hard working women during divorce

You need a new solicitor. I bought out my ex husband and he got 42% of the equity. My solicitor said that I was extremely generous and could have offered him less because I have majority care of the children. But he isn’t a high earner, we live in an expensive area and I wanted him to be able to buy a reasonable house so our children could stay.

Unfortunately I wished I had offered him less because a month after the payout he quit his job, now earns barely anything, and stopped paying maintenance. As far as I can tell he is spending the money on holidays, cars and basic living expenses so he will not be getting back on the property ladder anytime soon.

Get his agreement to no overnights formalised with a contact order ASAP. If he’s not having overnights, he only needs to house himself.

If it’s a short marriage (under 5/10 years) it’s not necessarily 50/50, especially for pensions or equity accrued pre-marriage.

I would be very cross if I was you OP. Of course he can rehouse himself on £120k. I'm with the pp who suggest you maybe need a fiercer solicitor.

Wel said 👏

Agree @Iris10000 . It was like this when my shitty ex-H bailed 23 years ago and it is really, really disheartening to see that nothing has changed since then. I went to court, as I literally couldn't believe how punitive it would be and all I can say is that is a bloody expensive business and I'm not sure I'd do it again.

Despite my ex-H earning more than me throughout his working career by a huge margin, he contributed way less than I did as the resident parent. He gave the CMS mandated small percentage of his salary, whereas literally every penny of mine went on keeping the roof over our heads, the DC clothed, fed, childcare paid for etc. By his own choice he saw them every second weekend and even that dwindled after time, so I did all the logistics and daily care of our children. He basically opted out of parenting completely and paid a tiny percentage of his salary. I even bought him out of the house, with the split being 55% to me and 45% to him and he fought me on that too, which if you think about what I put in over the next 18+ years and what he did is still a joke.

I do not understand how in this day and age it is possible for one parent to abdicate financial and parenting responsibility with so little recourse.

i Agree with others change your solicitor and get someone who will fight!

I’d love to know the rationale of the 24% of people who’ve voted that you’re being unreasonable, OP : people who apparently think that it’s “fair” that a father who walks out on his children and won’t even parent them both overnight (!) should be able to claim 50% of assets despite you paying far more of the costs of raising the children and doing over 90% of the parenting. And that this man who can’t cope with his own children overnight allegedly needs to be given far more of the house equity than he paid for so that he can buy a house the same size as you need to actually house the children, when he NEVER has both of his children stay with him anyway… the mind boggles, unless 24% of people reading the thread are sponging, feckless fathers!?

It’s an absolute joke. I was in this position a few years ago. I bought him out, he said he needed a 3 bed house to accommodate his children. I got a massive mortgage, he got his money. Did he house his children? Nope, barely any overnights. He shacked up with someone who had her own council house and kids. The money is being spent on a brand new car and many expensive holidays that my children do not go on. For the rare times my children stayed, they either slept in the sofa or in another child’s bedroom. I knew it would end up this way, but there’s just no mechanism to prove otherwise.

and I did have a Rottweiler barrister, but nothing can be done going up against a system so stacked against working mothers.

Pathetic isn’t it. OP should progress the divorce as fast as possible so that any ridiculous claims that he can’t adequately house himself with £120k when he won’t even have his children for overnight stays can be ridiculed and dismissed as the disingenuous nonsense that they are.

No, in many circumstances (not all) it is beneficial to someone who is the primary caregiver and NOT the main earner.

Per the OP the people who are really stitched up are women who are the higher earner and almost invariably ALSO the main caregiver.

I’m gobsmacked that he doesn’t want to look after his younger DC because it’s inconvenient to be woken at night!! Will that change?

Also, I don’t know how long you were married @Iris10000but your children are still young so perhaps not very long. In a shorter marriage the 50/50 presumption does not always apply obviously, there is more of a leaning towards restoring parties to the position they would be in if they had not married and each party keeping the assets for which they have paid. If you haven’t been married many years you should certainly not allow this feckless, lazy and irresponsible man who neither pulls his weight with parenting or financially to have 50% of everything. Please make sure you get a second legal opinion because your solicitor should be nipping this sort of nonsense like claims he can’t house himself with £120k in the bud. If he wants 50% assets then tell him he’ll need to be paying 50% of childcare costs and 50% of all of the children’s costs (food, clothes, school trips, clubs etc) and actually become a sufficiently competent adult to be able to parent both of his children at once.

Honestly, what a pathetic man to do what he has done, refuse to see both of his children at the same time then try to claim 50% assets claiming he needs to be able to house children whom he apparently cannot cope with overnight on his own!!

You’ll feel so much better though @Iris10000once you’re free of him and he can’t sponge off you anymore.

It is an absolute joke. I will be advising both of my children to think very, very carefully whether marriage is necessary. I hope they will make wise choices. Getting married was the most expensive mistake I ever made, and I’m watching a friend go through the same now. Never again!!

I had to change solicitor. I needed a Rottweiler.

I was the worker who brought all the assets in and he had all sorts of wild ideas including spousal maintenance.

Still choked me to have to buy him a house outright but as someone said, it’s how it works.

I used to laugh at that joke ‘Don’t get married. Just find someone you hate and give them your house and a car.’

and I did remarry!

Could you make it work if your nursery costs were lower? I’m wondering whether you could suggest giving him 50% but he is responsible for a percentage of nursery fees in addition to maintenance until your younger child starts school?

Change solicitor. You need one who will fight for you. Not one who can’t think past the way these things usually work.

The person with the biggest income loses out, whether male or female. That's the deal of marriage.

Ultimately, he is asking for 50/50 which is reasonable. The children are little, but it's very possible that as they get a bit older, he has them those 3 nights a week. Also you are, understandably, working 4 days currently, but you could move to 5 days in a few years. Your pension will be much larger than his as things stands.

He needs to be able to house the children on the basis that they will be spending nights at his, and not move too far away to accommodate it.

He is the one who could have asked for more. Your solicitor is kind to you. They could encourage you to go for everything, charge you £50k for it, for a judge to agree on what they are suggesting now.

I owned my house with a decent amount of equity when we met. He had no assets and moved in. Looking back, he was the classic cocklodger but I didn't see that at the time.

Over time, he started drinking more heavily and regularly beat me up. He then started beating my children up, so I got help and he was arrested and removed from my home. He was charged with assaulting us.

I filed for divorce. However due to the way the law works, he was entitled to a share of the equity in the house even though most of it had accrued before I met him.

I was ordered to either pay him a lump sum to cover his share of the equity or add him onto the deeds to be paid out if I later sold the house or youngest child turns 18 or if I remarried - whichever came first.

I re-mortgaged and paid him off to sever ties. I should have paid my mortgage off by now, but I'm still paying it off due to the lump sum I was instructed to give him.

It still really angers me that he hurt us so badly and walked away with a cash lump sum that I had to pay to him.

Set up against the person who is the primary care giver.

We assume that this will be the mother for .... cultural reasons?

I think you need a new solicitor that will actually do some harder work on this negotiation and advocate better for you.

You have a shit solicitor. Instruct him you don’t care what he thinks is “reasonable” you want to keep the house.

Your dh CAN rehouse on £120k - he only needs a flat with one bedroom if he just has one dc to look after. He can rent. He can get a sofa bed for the lounge on the two nights he has the 4 year old.

Your solicitor should be making the case that your dh has almost unlimited potential to increase his earnings as he is doing only 5.4% of the childcare of dc2 (albeit nearly 50% for dc1). That means you NEVER have a whole weekend to yourself to do important things like DIY or focusing on dc1.

What’s the arrangement for holidays and sickness? Make sure it is clear he’s responsible for dc1 on the sick school days following his overnight - he doesn’t get to deliver a sick back to you and bounced off to work.

You need a better solicitor. 60/40 should achievable especially where you are responsible for housing the children.

I am actually more incredulous that he can get away with not having the younger child during the week because he can't be arsed to do bedtime and get up if they wake in the night!!

Can’t he rent somewhere if he can’t afford to buy?

Are your children entitled to some free nursery hours as you work, I know you will likely still have to pay some top up.

He’s not comfortable doing bedtime and night wakings? He needs to give his head a wobble and grow up.

Absolutely set up against working women. I work full time my kids father hasn't seen her in 3 years. Quit his job so no child maintenance and he wants half of everything including the house. Lol